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HS21

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Shadowy Cabal Cast Ep. 5 - Mr. Hasselhoff, tear down that wall.

By HS21 39 Comments

 I was on a podcast with David Hasselhoff & Peter North.

 
  
 
    
 After a month long absence the podcast you never asked for is back! We recorded one before this with guests Axxol and HandsomeDead but it was lost due to the technical ineptitude of a giggly Englishman living atop a mountain monastery. No guests this week, just the regular crew minus one. We're joined by host Jazz, Billy Ray Cyrus aficionado TurboMan, homicide enthusiast GodlyAwesomeGuy (Bateman) and HS21 who sounds like he's underwater for the first 20 minutes. We talked about games a surprising amount. It was weird. 
 
  
 

   Download link here.
39 Comments

Vanity, Self Consciousness, Loneliness & Gullibility.

By HS21 45 Comments

Vanity      

 
    

 Friday night, spending it at home. Think I'll just stay in my room and log onto Omegle. Oh, let me take my shirt off first, where are my....ah there are my headphones! Let me place these around my neck even though I'm not listening to anything since they're not plugged into anything. But it'll tell anyone I meet on video chat that I'm into music. They'll probably think I DJ too, DJ's get a lot of tail I bet. I'll bet DJ's get girls back to their place and have them sit down on their big speakers so they can pump up the bass on that thing and have that girl ready to go. Wait, what was I doing? Oh right, no shirt, check, headphones not emitting any sound, check. Let me just move my chair in front of the door here just in case my parents try to walk in and make sure I'm all tucked in so that I don't get cold at night. My parents are so sweet, but masturbating sure is a tedious activity. Alright, Omegle....video chat commence. Can't wait to check out all the hot snatch staying in on a Friday night and logged onto Omegle.  
  

What's this guy thinking? A pretty girl staying at home on a Friday night and logging onto Omegle? What reason would a woman ever have for doing that? 
 
 
   
  Friday night and I'm on Omegle. That crazy bitch Becky keeps trying to drag me out to the clubs but I still smell like hair gel from that Guido that tried to rub his little boner on my leg while I was on the dance floor.  Besides, I'm kind of over holding that slut's hair while she vomits on my shoes. Ungh, why is there still a shadow on my face? I mean, I turned on this fucking lamp behind me, why isn't the light reaching the front of my face? That's so weird. I wonder if there'll be any cute guys on here? Not that looks are all that matters, I love a guy that makes me laugh and is good to me, so long as he has the rock hard abs to go with it. Fuck, The Situation is so sexy. I'd let him punch me in the face. Oh alright, the video chat is starting, time to look as uninterested as I possibly can and try to be the equivalent of a brick wall if a guy tries to have a conversation with me. I'm too hot for conversations anyway, I was made to be looked at obvs.  
  
   

Self Consciousness   

  
   
Chillin' in my room with mah buddy. Logged onto Omegle gonna have some laughs. Better hide my face in case the bitches tonight are out of our league. Oh my God dude, we're gonna get so many girls to flash us tonight. Staying in was such a good idea! You got your finger ready on the print screen button bro? Hey, are you fucking floating? Whatever, whatever, here it comes the video is starting. The fuck is this black screen? What bro? Aha, yeah, yeah, she's probably sitting in the dark cuz she like....fingering herself or some shit. Fuck dude, we didn't even say anything yet and this girl already can't help herself. Playas!   
 

Loneliness   

 
   
Alright, 6 episode back-to-back iCarly marathon done with, season 2 is cue'd up and downloading. Now it's time to get on Omegle, find a hot hunny and go to bed happy. Today has been a pretty excellent day so far if I do say so myself. I'll just...tilt this...webcam down. There we go. It's dark in my room and I'm wearing black so when I pull my dick out it'll look like it's floating in outer space. Fuck yes this is going to be awesome. I hope I get a blonde, this girl I have a crush on at school but never talk to is blonde. I'll just tell her to aim her webcam from the neck down and pretend it's her. Who needs to waste their time on a girlfriend who'll just drain them of money and time, I can just get my fix here from random sexy bitties. I'm not going to soak the pillow with my tears tonight, that's for sure. Probably.  
 

Gullibility 


   
   
  No words are necessary.   
 
 
 
 
How much does a girl or guy's physical attributes weigh in on your thought process when considering if you're into someone of the opposite of sex? Almost everyone will say that looks are only secondary to personality but I know and you know that that's mostly untrue. The mindset changes with age for sure but if you're in you're 20's and bedding a different girl every week, you don't really care do you? I think Omegle makes that mindset really transparent. You go into video chat and if the person on the other side isn't as hot as you would like, you just click your way to the next "conversation". Almost no one does or even can do that in the real world and I think that's really interesting.  
 
The closest real equivalent to Omegle that I can think of is speed dating. You talk to someone for 5 minutes, write some qualities down on a little card and move on. Someone would typically write "Made me laugh", or "She's into the same movies as me". But they're also writing down on the cards in their head "Nice rack", "He has a great smile, big arms", or "Nice rack". The difference here is that even if the person can already tell that the person sitting across from them is not beautiful enough for an attraction to form, he or she can't just get up and walk to the next warm body. You're forced to endure the next 4 minutes of shitty small talk. 
 
In Omegle it goes "A/S/L?" followed by "(Made up shit)" then the guy will be like "Arghhh here's my dick (Sometimes...almost all the time it's already out anyways!)". That shit's called efficiency. Except in this situation, you're not sitting across the table from someone, they're sitting 500 miles away and you're sitting in front of the cold, dim, blue light of your computer monitor with your dick in your hand.  
 
Some people will bother putting up a front when they know other people are listening, claiming that inner beauty is what matters. But when you're young that's really not what you're looking for. You're just looking for the next set of naughty bits to rub against yours and it damn well better be attached to an attractive person. And if they have a great personality? That's cool too I guess. No real mind blowing conclusion here, people are horny fuckers and aren't looking for their soul mate when they're still young.  
 
What's more important to you at this point in your life? Physical or inner beauty? Be honest.
45 Comments

Halloween.

By HS21 55 Comments

Monsters running outside my house at night 
Illuminated by the aged and old street lights 
Across the street a witch flies on a broom 
So many children in their costumes
They run screaming, they fall and keep running 
I sit by the window silently shunning 
Their obnoxious behaviour as they go door to door  
Am I supposed to sit here and simply ignore?
 
I walk to my closet, my arm extends as it reaches inside
I told myself I would never do this again, well I guess I lied 
The handle of the aluminum bat is familiar in my hand 
Tonight's events will be outrageous and grand
I silently lace up my steel toed boots at the threshold to my home 
That's when I spot a child dressed up as Mario walking all alone 
 
I take off running and jump over my porch steps
I continued to run on a course to intercept 
The child who had noticed me and began to walk faster  
It was an act of futility akin to trying to outrun a natural disaster  
I gripped the aluminum bat harder in my hand and wound back
Hit the bag of candy out of his hands, it fell to the ground like a sad sack 
His expression was that of shock slowly melting to sadness
His eyes reflected back my look of madness  
Tears began streaming down his face  
I ran away and he gave no chase  
 
Halloween, a time when children go out in large numbers 
Did they expect me to stay at home and slumber? 
I'm 56 years old, retired and alone  
364 days out of the year I am stiff and sore and I moan 
But on Halloween I tear through the streets like a cyclone 
Making kids cry if they're without adult supervision 
Because I don't want to get caught and wind up on television  
Also because children are weak and rarely fight back 
And if they do, their bag of candy won't be the only thing I hit with my bat 
 

 
 
What's everyone dressing up as for Halloween? I'll be going as Mark Wahlberg as his character "The Courier" from Fallout: New Vegas. 
 
 
55 Comments

Shadowy Cabal Podcast - Episode 4 - Spin City

By HS21 104 Comments

I was on a podcast with Freddy Mercury and  Michael J. Fox.

 
   
   
This episode we've got the regular crew of assholes, HS21, Jazz, Deadglove, and Bateman. We're also joined by two special guests, Handsome Dead and Axxol! 
 
What happened in this podcast: 

 Hour One: 


 

Hour Two:

  • Completely random shit which includes stories about a woman who got cancer from popcorn, a man stabbing people for his Chinese takeout etc. 
  • Handsome Dead's hate for "Frasier"
  • Hawaii Five-O
  • Historical accuracy regarding the sexual orientation of the cast of "300" and "Troy"
  • We somehow make playing the drums in Rock Band seem inappropriate
  • Whiny video game forum people
  • Ezio the pimp
  • AMAZING  Flintstones' joke
  • Jazz watched "Resident Evil: Afterlife" for some reason, it wasn't even in 3D
  • Handsome Dead watched a movie called "Red Scorpion"
  • "True Lies" for the Genesis
  • Let's talk about Dante
  • Why Handsome Dead has a copy of Infamous but no PS3
  • Our very first PS2, PS1 and N64 games
  • Apparently we're still talking about Dead Rising 2
  • "Scary" games aren't scary
  • Spelunky
  • I try to get Jazz to edit the podcast this week, but it didn't happen
  •  Feng Shui murders people
  • Story time with Axxol
  • Awkward goodbyes

 Download link here.
104 Comments

Like Discovering How to Masturbate for the First time.

By HS21 174 Comments

It's 5 days into October and it's already way too cold for my comfort. I'm sitting in my room and I've got my hands together, inbetween my legs, rubbing them like I'm making fire or discovering how to masturbate for the first time. I dislike the winter times, I used to love the snow. I recall looking outside my window during the first days of December and seeing my normal view outside almost transformed, as if a thousand angels from up above simultaneously climaxed and spunked all over my lawn and neighbours roofs.  
  
Cold, harsh winter days seems to make the general population where I reside bitter and unfriendly. In December of '05 I was waiting at my bus stop with a friend from school. We had both just finished our last class before winter break and she had invited me over for dinner the next day. We get on the bus and she seemed friendly enough, conversation came easily and we made Christmas present predictions. Her stop came first and as she gets up to walk down the bus aisle she turns to me and says, "See you tomorrow". I respond with, "Funny, that's what I tell a girl before I drop a paper bag over her head".  She must have been late getting home since she did not have time to laugh. 
 
I got home later that night and I had a message on my machine. It was her, "Hey [Omitted for Privacy], something's come up with my family so Christmas dinner has actually been cancelled, sorry". Understandable I remember thinking. The next night I had decided to go over to her place, just to be a friend she could talk to. I slogged through five feet of snow for 20 minutes and finally arrived in front of her house. The windows were lit up and silhouettes could be made out, drinking and dancing along to the music emanating from the house lit up by festive lights. It was like the scene in fucking 'Home Alone' when Kevin tricks the wet bandits into thinking that he is not, in fact, home alone. To this day I still do not know why she did that to me. 
 
That Christmas was spent doing things that an old person would do. Watching old, old reruns of 'The Price is Right' back when Bob Barker's face didn't look like it was being held together with make up, playing scrabble online and wondering how much time I had left in the world before the sweet embrace of death took me in my sleep. I was hardly the picture of youth back then, you know the type. A slightly effeminate 16 year old boy living in New Jersey. His interests include tight jeans, leaning his head against his window while it rains and taking pictures of his reflection in the bathroom mirror. That's what kids do now right? 
  
Ultimately I don't know why I wrote this blog. I guess my fingers were cold and I decided that typing for a bit might warm them up. Shit didn't work. But like all things I do here on Giant Bomb...I don't even know what the hell I do here, no clue where I was going with that. I wonder if this Christmas will be better than the one in '05? I'll have to get through Halloween first, and a blog about things that happened to me during previous Halloweens seems like it would have made more sense. But I've already typed all this shit out so no. What are the rest of you miscreants planning for this Halloween/Christmas? 

174 Comments

Shadowy Cabal Podcast: Episode 3 - The Fuck Bunker

By HS21 50 Comments

   I was on a podcast with Billy Ray Cyrus.

 
  
 Also this is a picture of TurboMan's car. He was podcasting using Skype on his iPhone while driving. 
 
  
 This week we're missing Bateman, he had to return some videotapes. Instead you get  a nice mouthful of Deadglove, a radioactive dose of Jazz, a smattering of TurboMan and an unhealthy amount of HS21. Shit we ended up talking about this time:
 
  • Rhombus. Retarded Square?    
  • TurboMan, robbed
  • John Madden's character progression systems and item customization
  • Spider-man: Shattered Dimensions & Spider-man 2
  • Deadglove talks about a book he read full of perverted/suicidal Japanese men    
  • The science of fucking your own clone  
  • Deadglove is crushed by the news of the death of Dr. Octopus    
  • Heavy Rain with move controls    
  • TurboMan tells the story of how he met Billy Ray Cyrus. Physical contact was made.    
  • Celine Dion    
  • European...song, something bullshit. Apparently it's famous
  •  Bayonetta gave Deadglove a shoulder cramp 
  • Jazz is going to help killers go free for a living    
  • Earth Defense Force, "The Room" of video games     
  • Metal Gear Rising and the "lore" of Metal Gear    (This is the blog by ZanzibarBreeze that Deadglove talks about) 
  • Deadglove's crazy friend that gives people shitty games and punches people    
  • Hideo Kojima hates women?
  •  Black people in Japan. Myth? 
  • MMORPG on the PSP?      
  • Ninja Gaiden 3    
  • Making breasts jiggle with motion control devices    
  • Heiachi    
  • Kings    
  • Vagrant Fucking Story    
  • And we play you guys out with TurboMan, Jazz and myself on the guitars         
 
 
   
Download link here.
50 Comments

I was on a podcast with James McAvoy.

By HS21 65 Comments

We've made another episode of the Shadowy Cabal Podcast and the Vatican has crossed off another one of the requirements for the apocalypse. Sorry. This week we've got Jazz, Bateman, TurboMan and myself.  
  

  
   
Download here. 
  
 
That Kevin Smith video that Jazz talks about at the end is here. The insane penis rage story with Peter Molyneux is here. 
 
O.K bye!
65 Comments

The people that make up the Giant Bomb forums. Part 2.

By HS21 164 Comments

Part 1.

 

 Relationship Advice Guy

 
         
A website where the majority of users are single, 15 year old boys is the perfect place to ask for relationship advice right? No? Well, what if you're a single, 15 year old boy asking other single, 15 year old boys for relationship advice, that's a smart move right? Still no? Well I guess that's pretty obvious to you then, it's just not as painfully obvious to relationship advice guy, or R.A.G. R.A.G is a simultaneous source of comedy and tragedy. Sometimes it's nice to take a break from video games and just enjoy reading about the desperate machinations of a forum user trying to ask out a girl he likes. Whether it be a high school friend, long time acquaintance or tutor, you can be sure that if he has to ask for advice on Giant Bomb, it's probably not going to work out. 
 

Writes overly long blogs about games he's played guy.

 
   
You know that game you've been anticipating for a long time now? You've read the reviews, played the game, and maybe even listened to a podcast or two where people discussed this game to death. You would think that you've consumed pretty much all the information that there is on the internet about  this one game right? Doesn't matter, overly long blog guy is here to tell you what he thinks of it. Odds are that you don't know overly long blog guy, that to you, he's just another faceless forum user, so why would you feel compelled to read what he thinks about a game he's played? Still, at least he included some pictures to go along with his 3000 word write up on Red Dead Redemption "The Inner Turmoil of John Marston". Sometimes overly long blog guy will even write about a game from a few years back, you know, just in case you forgot that 'Perfect Dark' for the N64 existed.   
  

 White Knight Guy

 
   

 God help us, someone on the internet is being poked fun at! The police have no jurisdiction here, and my computer is not nearly powerful enough to back trace the offender. Will no one help this stranger on the internet? Wait, over there, beyond the horizon of the second page of the forums, it's him! White knight guy! W.K.G can't just stand idly by while people don't take a thread seriously or make poorly thought out and terribly executed jokes about someone's mother. He's here to put a stop to all that, with his +4 shield against trolls, he leaps on top of his high horse giving him +2 mobility which allows him to move swiftly from thread to thread. He's the first and last line of defense against the next Giant Bomb forum personality... 
 
 

Forum Asshole Guy

 
   
 W.K.G's arch nemesis, forum asshole guy, or F.A....right. A forum asshole comes in a few different flavours ranging from subtle to obscenely obnoxious. A subtle forum asshole specializes in back handed compliments and small jabs which come in quick succession. However, an obscenely obnoxious forum asshole prefers starting the show with a show stopper. Divorced parents? Recently diseased relatives? Perfect, forum asshole can use this. After a couple of uppercuts from him, he retreats into the night, not to be seen until he returns once again, you know, when his ban is uplifted after a few weeks.  
 
 

Overly Critical Guy

 
   
 You know that off hand remark you made in some thread a day or two ago? What's that? You don't even remember because it was just some blurb that you spat out while you were talking to someone on the phone? Well let overly critical guy remind you. He's noticed some very disturbing things in your post. You forgot to capitalize the first word in sentence three, you've misused the semi colon half way through your post and the wording is just awkward. Oh, it's not over, that was just his critique on the technical aspect of what you wrote. Just wait until he tells us all what he thinks of the actual content of the post that he so graciously edited.  He doesn't agree with your statement, he believes you've made several wrong claims, your hair sucks, you look like a piece of shit, you're going no where in life and everyone hates you. Man, he really thinks that game should have been 4 out of 5 stars instead of 3 out of 5...  
 

  

  Relationship Advice Guy, Writes Overly Long Blogs Guy, Forum Asshole Guy.



 ... 
 
 I've been both sides of relationship advice guy. I've given advice , but I've also needed it . I've written overly long blogs , usually about what some would say is pretty stupid shit,  and some might even argue that I'm forum asshole guy (Seriously, that was a tribute).  
 
 
 
 
 Edit: Maybe you don't fall under any of these categories, put up your own description of your forum persona. Pictures are nice. 
164 Comments

The people that make up the Giant Bomb forums. Part 1.

By HS21 239 Comments

New Guy

 
    
New guy is new to the forums. He says that he's been watching all the Giant Bomb videos and the Endurance Runs since day one, but he's only now made an account. His first blog tells us something to the effect of: "Hey guys, this is my first blog here on Giant Bomb. I don't really have much to write now, but I hope I can post some more blogs in the future and I look forward to being a part of the community here!"  That was his first and last blog post. Oh and I think he reviewed some XBLA game, he gave it three stars, you don't care. 
 

Sad Guy

  
   
Life as he knows it, sucks. There's nothing to look forward to and his past is a scattered collection of painful memories, missed opportunities and regrets. He does what anyone in his position would do, go to a video game forum and share his excruciatingly personal stories with the Giant Bomb forumites. To the outside observer, this would seem utterly pointless and is quite possibly a cry for help. The outside observer is correct. Unfortunately for him, nine times out of ten, instead of being greeted with genuinely useful advice or a kind word, he's met with the next Giant Bomb forum personality... 
 

Cool Story, Bro....Guy 

  
   
He's just clicked on a thread in the forum. He reads the contents of said thread and puts his hand to his chin. Unable to think of anything even remotely worth saying he does what he's always done best. He responds with his favourite three word retort "Cool story, bro". What has he accomplished by doing this? Nothing. It wasn't funny or amusing in the least, no one thinks that he's funny or amusing in the least, and he's wasted everyone's time. He'll do it again though.  
 

I Flagged Your Post Guy


  
  
You've written a post or a blog on the forum which may or may not deserve being flagged. Here comes 'I Flagged Your Post' guy. Not content with simply flagging your post and moving on, for some reason he feels compelled to tell you that he did, usually with a post consisting of one word, "Flagged". What does this accomplish? Absolutely nothing, but he wants to rub your nose in it anyway. He's the oil that keeps the gears of the forums moving. Without him the Giant Bomb forums would grind to a halt and decay into a mess of trolls and racists running amok unopposed. Except that this isn't true, but hey he thinks it is.  
 
  

Not so secretly a girl.

 
   
She just wants to be treated like one of the guys. She doesn't want any special attention and she most certainly does not like the fact that her inbox is filling up with creepy PMs from people she doesn't know. Or at least that's what she says. One has to wonder, if she's getting so much unwanted attention, why doesn't she just change her profile picture? Why did she pick a username like "GurlGamer<3" and why does her picture gallery look like Facebook. It just seems weird that for someone wanting to remain incognito, she sure does preface all her posts with "Well as a girl..." a lot.  
 

Smart girl that blends in with the rest of the community because she's not starved for attention.

  
  
 Information unavailable. 
239 Comments

Sup, I'm 8.

By HS21 31 Comments

 You:  Sup, I'm 8.
Stranger: sup! I'm 7
You: Don't even lie to me.
You: I'm so over that.
Stranger: I aint lying
Stranger: I so aint :D
You: Listen, you child impostor. It does not sit well with me at all that you try to pass yourself off as someone younger than they really are in a vain attempt at "connecting" with someone my age.
 Your conversational partner has disconnected.  

Stranger: Horny?  
 You: Very 
 Stranger: Cyber on msn? 
 You: Show me a pic first 
 Stranger: Don't have one but I wanna be fucked 
 You: Listen, I'm 8. I'm not about to engage in sexual relations online with someone I've never even seen before. 
You: Try that shit on a 13 year old, alright?
 Your conversational partner has disconnected.   
 
 
 Stranger: hey 19 m here..wanna see me cum on web cam? 
 You: Ignoring the fact that I am but 8 years of age and have yet to develop a sexual appetite, especially not for things as devious as this, but you're a stranger on the internet for Christ sake.
  Your conversational partner has disconnected.  

Stranger:  21m here  

 You:  8 year old male here.  

 Your conversational partner has disconnected.

Stranger:  Heyyy

You:  Hello stranger, I hope you're in a better mood than I'm in right now.

Stranger:  I love dick

Stranger:  so yes

You:  That's a bit graphic for my age, but alright.

Stranger:  are you under 18?

You:  Will you stop talking to me if I am?

Stranger:  that probably means yes

You:  Listen, I'm really mature for my age.

Stranger:  that's what they all say

Stranger:  and middle school kids are having sex now, so i'm sure that wasn't too graphic for you

You:  When I'm in middle school, maybe I too will partake in sexual intercourse.

Stranger:  haaaaa, so you're trying to tell me you are in elementary? right

You:  I'll have you know that I read at a ninth grade level.

Stranger:  mhmm, it is possible but i'm not buying it

You:  I'm not selling anything. I'm just looking for good conversation to go with my cigar and glass of brandy.

Stranger:  why are you in a bad mood?

You:  Well, it's relevant to the topic we're discussing actually. People here are constantly asking me for my asl. And when I tell them that I'm 8, they immediately disconnect on me. It's proving to be quite hard to make friends here.

Your conversational partner has disconnected. 

  
 

 You:  My life sucks.

Stranger:  mine too

Stranger:  boring and sad

You:  What's wrong with your life?

Stranger:  it isn't going anywhere..

You:  Why not?

Stranger:  same old crap all the time, i feel like i need to get away from here..

You:  Why don't you do that?

Stranger:  i can't just leave...where would i stay...where would i go?

You:  Life should be an adventure. Take risks.

Stranger:  so i'm suppose to live on the streets...?

You:  I don't know, all I know is that I'd trade places with you anyday.

Stranger:  what? whats wrong with your life?

You:  My former best friend Robbie stole my slingshot. He told me that if I tell my parents, that I'd be a tattletale, and that the punishment for tattling is banishment from the tree house (Which I helped build!). It freakin' SUCKS to be 8, I can't do anything.

Stranger:  wtf

Stranger:  are you fucking serious right now?

Your conversational partner has disconnected.

 

   

   

31 Comments