I am dying

I went pee earlier and it burned. 
 Therefore, I am dying.  Goodbye Giantbomb, it was a fun ride.  Goodbye cruel world. 
 
Since I am dying due to the fact that one day while i am peeing, my penis will spontaneously combust and the fire will spread across my body, and I will catch on fire and run screaming down the streets. Before this happens, I have some shit I need to do.  So, I'm working on a bucket list.   
 
So that brings me to my question.  What is your bucket list, Giantbomb?  What shit do you want to do before your penis or vagina catches on fire? 
 

 This is what it looked like earlier. Except that tree was my dick.
19 Comments

The Blog of Destiny: A Reflection in 5 Parts (Choking Hazard)

ACT I: Motherfucking Devils, Crazy Dancing Bitches, and a Random Picture of a Dude In a Chicken Suit

  
  Yo: the devil?  He's a motherfuckin' liar. 
 
  
  I don't even know what the fuck to say about this.  Seriously.  What? WHAT THE FUCK. 
 
 
This still makes more sense than that last video. 
 

ACT II: What I've been doing <- Serious shit? 

 
I finished watching Band of Brothers on Christmas Eve.  Holy shit.  Just...holy shit, that was an amazing show.  And a perfectly satisfying conclusion. So well directed, so well acted, so well produced, everything about the series was just 100% pitch perfect.  And although not a movie, it's certainly better than any of its WWII movie peers. Currahee! 
 
Also, I recently watched Rocky II and Zodiac.  Rocky II was gangsta, Zodiac, if nothing super special, was an interesting account of the whole story, especially since I live in the Northern Bay Area, his old haunting grounds. 
 
Oh, and I got a new knife for Christmas.  I have a lot of knives. This one has a motherfuckin flashlight on it, and I'm gonna carry it as a backup in case the other two knives I carry somehow don't work, or, in case I ever need a flashlight and don't wanna carry my mini tactical one around. 
 

ACT III: Christmas Bullshit   

Yeah, so what I got for Christmas.  A knife as I previously mentioned, along with a bunch of other shit, but, instead of talking about that, I'm gonna talk about what I got from the community here!  I gave away 100 Humble Indie Bundles to Giantbomb users on Christmas, and in return, some people were nice enough to give me some pictures as gifts in return. 
  
Here's my haul. 
 


That's not all of them, but those are some of my favorites, and what I have the patience to upload. 
 
Thanks for the images all, you gave me some good laughs. 
 
 

ACT IV: Methane-feminines?! 

  
  This kid needs to be slapped.  For Real. 
 

ACT V: A NEW HOPE

 
You've heard that title before?  Nope, I don't think so.  NO YOU FUCKING HAVEN'T. 
 
Anyway, I'm looking forward to 2011.  It's gonna be a big year, for games, and I am super excited about all the great AAA titles that are gonna come out.  And I am also looking forward to another year on Giantbomb's forums.  Hopefully I can give away some more shit, not get suspended anymore, and make a name for myself.  I'M GONNA TAKE OVER THESE FORUMS. 
 
In closing, you're all great, and I'm glad to be part of a good online community like this, even if you are a bunch of fucking mooks sometimes, and I wish I could just slap you all.  But that's not the point.  I love you all.  Well not really.  I like some of you, and hate most of you.  But I'll lie to you to make you feel better.   
 
And, as a shocking revelation for the end of the year: 
 
 
 
 
 
I am not actually Robert De Niro. 
 
15 Comments

The Lazlow Show

Yo.  I've played me some GTA in my time, and I've loved it.  And I've thought the radio programs, ads, music, etc. has been extremely well produced.  I have also thought that the DJ Lazlow within it was hilarious. 
 
Well, coinciding with the release of GTA IV, after listening to Integrity 2.0, I thought that I had to look up this Lazlow dude.  Well, for those of you motherfuckers not in the know, he has a real life radio show, produces all the radio and ads for GTA, and does major audio work for all of Rockstar's games. His podcast, The Lazlow Show, has made me laugh some of the hardest I've ever laughed, in my life.  Yeah, that goddamned funny.  Horse meet rider funny. 
 
 
 
I started on a good episode...the midlife crisis episode, with playing Super Mario Bros. and taking it up the ass. 
 
Yeah, you read that right. 
 
Do yourself a favor and go download it, and give it a try.  If you can find that midlife crisis episode, that is an excellent one to start with.  Funny as fuck. 
 
http://lazlow.com/  
 
Without The Lazlow Show, I would never have known about this wonderful clip.  I was almost in tears when they were playing it and making fun of it on the show. 
 
  

   
Any other Lazlow Show listeners here on GB? 
20 Comments

A Memory

A slight hiss in the air, invisible gas escaping into the night sky in slow motion.  A single flame rises, and dances in the void. Singing hisses, speaking a language we cannot listen to, only hear; slowly, a sea, an orchestra of light across the world, as the flames rise one by one.  Under a brushed silver spoon, stained with the damage of a life of trauma; between two lovers, discovering love in the night; at the tip of a heartbroke man's medicine, a loaded gun taped under the table, bloodstains on the walls, slowly watching the world burn down. 
 
Then, as it started, they all dim out...all that remains is a single flame, reflected in the chrome of the lighter.  It slowly dances as the hand moves it toward the stub in his mouth.  The brown, flat remnant of what was once a cigar enjoyed by some richer man shifted slightly between his lips; the stubble on his chin marched as his skin slithered, as the motion of an army.   
 
CENTER ON TOP OF FLAME 
PAN OUT 
PERPENDICULAR TO GROUND, HAVE TWO FIGURES EQUIDISTANT FROM OFFERED FLAME IN CENTER 
 
[The man lowers his arm, slowly, a pensieve expression on his face; all fades to black and white with colored highlights] 
CENTER ON CIGAR AGAIN 
[orangeredremainsonlycolorinframeasallelseisblackandwhitecigarslowlyburnsout,smokerising no sounds except slight sound of the burning of the cigar stub] 
 
"They'll fucking kill you if they get a chance man i know this.  Man they're in charge of the fucking machines on the farms too.  The cops.  Fucking pigs.  I used to be one *MAKES ERRATIC MOTION WITH HAND* back in jersey you know.  Had to run from them all the way here man, all the way to san diego.  Can you...can you give me a light again?  fucking thing" 
 
The flame slowly rose in the black pupil of The Man's eye as he did as The Stranger requested. 
 
"Yeah, man.  Fucking unbelieveable.  They spy on you too, you know?  Kill you first time you get a chance.  You see that warehouse over there?  That's where they keep the satellite dishes.  Hey man, you probably think I'm crazy." 
 
"No." 
 
"Well that's where they microwave the fucking meat after they kill you man." 
The Stranger's eyes simply shift left to right checking the coast is clear. 
"They keep the ears.  Fucking cigar, can you..." 
 
 "Keep it."
 
"Oh, thanks, man.  I appreciate that.  Well, you probably need to be going.  Don't...don't fucking tell them.  Don't." 
 
The Man turned around and shrugged. 
 
"Not so crazy at all." 

12 Comments

A Toast to a Douchebag

For those of you not in the know, Kanye West's new album, My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy recently leaked onto the internet in its entirety and in a complete state.  Now you're in the know!  Also, you should probably know that this blog is a review of said album.  If you don't want to read that, fuck off or leave me a random or disparaging comment that will bump my blog, then fuck off. 

 ILLUMINAUGHTY?!
My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy is the best album of the year. 
 
 I got pink shades too
  Okay, got that out of the way.  Now, let me quantify that statement before I get labeled as some kind of Kanye West fanboy.  I fucking hated 808s and Heartbreaks.  I can respect attempting to expand as an artist...however 808s was a serious misstep.  Every song kind of ran together, and sounded the same to me after listening to the album.   
On the other hand, I loved Graduation.  Awesome album; along with Lupe Fiasco's The Cool, that was a strong year for hip hop.   
As for College Dropout and Late Registration, I liked both of those albums, but they are by no means in my list of favorite albums. 
 
But enough of the past!  On to the subject at hand, the new album.   
 
As I write this, I am currently listening to the album.  In fact, I've been listening to it every chance I've gotten.  That's because Fantasy is a rare album...incredibly varied, stellar song production, equal parts cockiness and repentance, badass and vulnerable.  But Fantasy is always excellent. 
 
Beginning with the gospel singing and mean beat of Dark Fantasy, you can tell you're in for a hell of a ride.  Fantasy is an album that should be listened to the whole way through; it seems to have a sort of internal narrative.   
 
 Runaway is a movie worth seeing as well.

There is a  manic energy carried through the first half or so of the album in songs such as the aforementioned Dark Fantasy, the primal rage of "Monster" (by the way, Nicki Minaj's verse in this song is fucking insane), the cocky "Power" (I think everyone on the fucking planet has heard this song by now, but it still manages to be excellent), and, perhaps, most notably, "All of the Lights", a gargantuan, highly complex and multilayered, glorious anthem, with more celebrities featured in it than Fable III's voice actors.  
 Sexy
Unfortunately, during this first half of the album, this pace does occasionally falter, and the songs in which these occur ("Gorgeous" and "So Appalled") end up being the weakest of the album.  Though very solid, "Gorgeous" is a little too long without much variation on its theme, which it ultimately suffers for.  "So Appalled", despite being a very good song and featuring Jay Z, seems to be of a lower quality than the rest of the album.  These breaks in the action are not all failures, though...an incredibly serene lull occurs in "All of the Lights (Interlude)", consisting of the theme of "All of the Lights" played only by a string orchestra.  
 
After So Appalled, the focus of the album shifts from the shorter, more energetic songs of the first half to the darker, twisted namesake of the album.  We are greeted with the nigh-6 minute "Devil in a New Dress".  Much better produced and layered than the G.O.O.D. Friday version, the progressive guitar noodling and other touches make this a truly stellar song; and a darker song more focused on sex and relationships.  
 
Then comes Kanye's epic, "Runaway".  Nine minutes long.  That's a long ass time, in case you weren't aware.   
 
 Cool guys don't look at explosions.
But it fucking works.  Beginning with a single repeated key press on a piano, "Runaway" unfurls and expands into a truly emotional and the most epic song of the year (yeah, in the actual fucking original meaning of "Epic" before the internet ruined that shit).  The song slowly cuts away back to a single piano key again.  Then, Kanye's voice, so distorted by effects it's unrecognizable, begins to croon for 3 more minutes.  That sounds like some self righteous, boring bullshit on paper.  But Kanye fucking makes it work. 
 
After the somber ending of that song, we are greeted by some raunchiness and twisted fantasies in "Hell of a Life".  This is Kanye's lust...straight up, this is Kanye's song about sex.  And, it's fucking badass.  "I think I just fell in love with a pornstar." 
 
 This dude's got a hell of a voice
"Blame Game", a song about relationships, is similarly a high point of the album.  With John Legend's crooning, and a tinkling beautiful piano for backbone, it's a great song from the start.  But when Kanye's lover's cell phone calls him back accidentally, and he "hears the whole thing", things take a turn for the magnificent.  Everything except the very basic beat disappears, and you hear Chris Rock's conversation with Ye's girl.  Rock's dialogue would actually be pretty fucking hilarious...if it wasn't so poignant and harmful.  We've all been through relationship shit before...Ye really manages to connect with those hurt feelings. 
 
The grand finale, "Lost in the World" and "Who Will Survive in America" sample Bon Iver, and turns it into a crazy-exciting song that just makes you want to run, and hit something, and then hit something again.  Another amazing song (blog writing fatigue setting in now).  "Who will Survive in America" continues off the back of "Lost in the World".  It ends with a polite smattering of applause.  But Kanye deserves more than that for an accomplishment like this album.  Say what you want about Kanye, hate him all you want, but do yourself a service and listen to this album.  Even if you don't like it, it's hard not to respect it for the incredible high quality of it. 
 
So, let's have a toast to a douchebag.  Let's have a toast to a scumbag.  Let's have a toast to Kanye West. Let's have a toast to his masterpiece: My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy.
 
Five Stars
90 Comments

IT'S GODDAMN INFAMOUSBIG RAGE DAY MOTHERFUCKERS

YOU. 
 
YEAH, YOU.  WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU READING THIS BLOG.  TURN OFF THE COMPUTER AND GET A LIFE.  YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT.  GO AHEAD AND CRY. 
 
FUCK ARE YOU STILL DOING HERE?  COMING BACK FOR MORE?  OR JUST TOO PARALYZED WITH FEAR TO MOVE? 
 
"Well, sometimes you just have to let your anger out, I suppose." 
 
DON'T TRY TO PSYCHOANALYZE ME, BITCH.  I'LL CHOKE YOU TO DEATH WITH A RACCOON AND SLAP YOU IN THE FACE WITH TYE-DYE TESTICLES. 
 
"This blog is gay.  You sound like a 12 year old."   
 
WHAT, YOU WANNA FIGHT, BITCH?  THAT'S RIGHT--YEAH, LET'S TAKE THIS OUTSIDE.  YEAH--NO, TAKE YOUR FILTHY HANDS OFF THAT KEYBOARD AND PREPARE FOR HAMMERTIME, MOTHERFUCKER.  I'MMA GROW WINGS AND FUCKING BEAST MODE ON YOU BITCH 
 
"Is this that stupid guy who always raps on the forums?  He sucks." 
 
BITCH I KNOW YOU DIDN'T JUST SAY THAT.  BITCH I KNOW YOU DIDN'T JUST-- 
OH YOU DID?  YOU DID, HUH?  WELL PREPARE FOR THIS.  THAT'S RIGHT, THAT'S A MOTHERFUCKING ROCKET LAUNCHER.  YIPPIE KI YAY  MOTHERFUCKER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 
 RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGE 
 
MAN I JUST GOTTA FUCKING PICK UP THIS GODDAMN CHAIR AND JUST THROW IT THROUGH MY FUCKING WINDOW AND THEN SCREAM AT THE TOP OF MY LUNGS AS I BEAT YOU TO DEATH WITH A SOCK.  YEAH, A FUCKING SOCK.  TASTE IT! 
 
FUCKING CAPS LOCK IS ON BABY AND I'M READY TO FUCKING GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA  

48 Comments

BEAST MODE

Yo, today I just feel like a beast.  I feel magical, like I could fight a serpent with my dick!  While I was on fire and overdosing on methamphetamines!  While vitamin deficient! 
 
I feel like I could be immortalized in song, sexier than HS21's dolphin.  I feel like I could fly, but not really. 
 
I mean, fuck, man, the glow on my keyboard is fucking blue! 
 
You know what rhymes with blue?  VVVVVV!!!!!!  Yep, that's right, this game is dope.  I beat it with only 2,000 deaths! 
 
Yes, you indeed read that right, friend.  2,000 deaths in 3 hours.  This game is brutal.  I'm preparing myself for the suicidal craziness of playing Super Meat Boy when it releases on PC.   
 
vvvvvv hasn't gotten near enough recognition.  It's a great game for 5 bucks, go buy that shit on Steam.  Super fun, and also reminds me of when games actually used to be hard (remember that?).  Also, the soundtrack is dope as tits on a stick. 
 
  
Why does this come up in Google images for vvvvvv? 
 
 
Also, as a guy pretty well versed in film, until today I had a rather embarassing gap in my knowledge: I had never seen A Clockwork Orange.  Well, no longer, my droogies.  I have seen it. 
 
It's a damn, damn good movie.  Nowhere near best movie of all time, though. 
 

 I want one of those eyelash things.  Fuckin dope.

 What did y'all think of that movie? 
 
Also, I command you with the power of De Niro to go buy vvvvvv.  NOW.
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Today's my birthday! You probably don't care! I don't!

Yep.  My 26th birthday today.  Gotta enjoy the last 4 years of my being able to be un-serious.  Y'all probably don't care.  I don't care.  But it's an excuse to make a blog, and I like to make blogs.  So I'm gonna make this fucking blog.
 
BECAUSE I CAN. 
 
And now to end this with a completely random image! 
 
 
 
So my question I ask you is, what is the worst present you've ever received?

57 Comments

Let's be serious, shall we? Reflections on life

PART ONE 
REFLECTIONS ON LIFE 
 
I sit here and reflect on my life.  My birthday's on the 24th; I'm turning 26; my birthday's a good time to reflect.  Following shall be a incoherent jumble of thoughts that are going through my mind right now while zoning out to Radiohead, Sigur Ros, and other trippy music. In other words, another weird blog from me.  What a surprise.
 
There's so many fucking facets to life.  But, you see, the answer is so simple.  And, that, of course, is the thing.  So many themes are constantly explored by cinema, books, etc. today.  Drug use, love, war, revenge, heroism, courage, justice, cowardice, death, etc.  But somehow, this all meshes into a single, coherent answer.  All the puzzle pieces fit together to illustrate an image that makes sense.  All this shit somehow makes sense. 
 
We all get tired with our lives.  Routine, performing the same actions in the same order.  Sure, maybe they're varied depending on your job, etc.  But we still all brush our teeth (hopefully, you filthy internet motherfuckers).  And society, it dictates that we too are puzzle pieces, that we all have a part to play, and that we must consistently perform our jobs in order for the big picture to consistently make sense.    
 
I love my job.  And I'm lucky in that regard.  But we all have our moments, whether we openly admit it or not.  Late at night, staring at the ceiling, thinking about life.  I know I'm not alone in that.  Thinking if this hamster wheel we continually run in is for nothing.  If at the end of our lives our goals and aspirations are so dead in us that the  most we can hope for is a nicely trimmed lawn, a fucking mathematical flower bed, a car with extra seats for the kids, a nice TV set, nice material shit.  All this artificial shit, this fucking perfect society of materialistic content, subdued shadows of our potential. 
 
And our goals that I speak of?  When you're a kid you dream of curing cancer, discovering life on other planets, true aspirations.  Then, as we grow older, what do we wish for?  Enough money in our 401(k)  to retire.  The leather seats in our car.  What happens?  At which point do we unwittingly decide to conform?   
 
What is truly human nature?  To be wild, feral, to have an ever changing life of chaos, danger, excitement, different shit?  Being a warrior?  Or is it rather to build a society, have leadership?  There are still warriors and sheepdogs in today's society, but they are rare.  So, like so many before me, I suggest that human nature too is a mirror of the larger picture; complex yet simple in a way we cannot understand.  We long for the excitement and primal chaos of the life of a warrior, yet cannot live without the comfort of an established society.  Even "tribes" of warriors have some sort of leadership.  There is a reason we have leadership today, because that is natural human tendency to have some form of government.   
 
So can we never truly be happy?  Are we doomed to always long for that which we can never attain, because our goals are conflicting?   
 
Some offer spirituality as a solution.  They say truly spiritual people such as the Dalai Lama have reached peace with themselves.  That they understand.  Understand what, though?  The "answer"?  So is it that we as human beings wish to understand that answer, but are unwilling to do away with the security and comfort of our regulated and shaped lives in order to attain it?   These Holy Men, what have they done?  Have they found "God"?
 
I don't believe in God as a single, omniscient entity.  I do believe, however, there is some sort of energy, of power in the universe.  Some force that shapes our lives, some force that...fate?  Do I believe in fate?  Well, let's examine coincidences for a minute.  Coincidences.  Movies have explored this theme, such as Magnolia.  Are there coincidences?  I personally don't believe so.  I believe that everything has a predetermined path, and we are all pieces walking through our predetermined lives as part of the larger puzzle.  So, yeah, I believe in fate. 
 
We don't like to think this, however.  We would understandably much rather be in control of our lives, our "destiny".   
 
And an idea emerges.  But I can't express it.  Because everything has already been said before.  My voice is silent, and my point is moot. 
 
PART TWO 
A DEVIATION INTO THE BIZARRE 
In this section I shall be freestyling prose.  Or, rather, writing the shit that comes to my mind, bitch. 
 
Neon sun rising above a house on a piece of paper.  The hand moves, shading it in in grey lead, diagonal strokes.  Location:  
 
Well, it's your house, you see.  A bird comes in through the chimney like Santa Claus.  It looks you in the eye and tells you a story.   
 
There were a boy and a girl.  Young.  They played with each other every day.  And they grew up.  They grew closer.  Clumsy school romances.  Friends, lovers.  Older still.  They make love.  Two Kindred souls in the world.  Two against the world. 
 
But somewhere, something changed.   
 
You suddenly notice a cut on the hand.  A single drop of blood onto the drawing of your house.  The bird starts bleeding from the eyes. 
 
Some evil entered.  And suddenly, there was something more important than the other to the boy and the girl.  There was something more important than their love for each other.  
 
Bone begins to poke from the hand's fingers.  Blood pooling on the paper 
 
They fought.  Yell, scream, throw shit at each other.  Cry, make up, and every day the same fucking pencil shading sun rises, and the eraser stroke moon sets. 
 
Ants begin crawling out of the hand, swarming on the hands, a dark moving mass. 
 
And one day the fighting stops.  But not because the evil was gone.  But because the girl and the boy were resigned to the fact.  They bought a nice house in the suburbs, close to the public school for when they had kids.  Bought a nice little minivan.  Last weekend, they bought a couple fucking plastic tubs of the identical fucking conformist flowers from the hardware store when they were on sale.   
 
And you look down, and they're your hands.  Skin sagging, liver spots.  You grab a mirror and look in.  Skeletal face and dead eyes look back at you with no emotion.  Blood has smeared the drawing of your house, and you look down at it.  A picture of a graveyard.   
 
And you realize it never was a nice house, but rather a grave the whole times.  A place for you to forget about your dreams.  A place to go and slowly die, working your 9 to 5.  A place to go and slowly eat processed food until because you become fat and soft.  A place to blow your brains out with the pistol you bought last week from the store, after you kill your miserable family and their dreams along with yourselves. 
 
Just like everybody else. 
 
And you sit in a moment of silence for your lost dreams, your lost love, your lost potential, your lost intelligence, your lost strength, your lost leadership, your lost job, your lost life, your lost soul.  A moment of silence. 
 
And a single gunshot rings across the dark void, a lucid sound in the darkness.  And you finally understand.

3 Comments

Humbly Fumbledump: New Vegas, Vaginas, and New Vaginas

Yo dawg. Este blogerino is, uh, how would you say, el boring-o, so in order to make it more interesante, I'm gonna escribe this bitch in El Spanglishio and some nonsense talk.
 
This semana I've been playin' me some Fallouterino, of the New Vegas variety.  Man, this game is el fuckin superbo.  Man, I been clockin' in the hours on this female dog, whoooey!  Let me tell you, this game surpasses every expectation-ino.  El Falloutero tres is one of mah most beloved games of all timerino, and Vegas of the New is way better than that merda!  Damn, son.  Just beat that shit ahora.  All in all, I clocked in my savegame at about 22 horas, but I'm gonna have to meander back to my last saving of el gamerini and explore me some more wasteland. 
 

 TERRIFYING VAGINAS!
 VAGINAS CON DENTES!
Before my mind was blown into fragments like a chili cheese dog, I caught meself up on some games that I had never completion-inon-ed, and some games I wanted to play anew, ese.  And the one thing I noticed, these games were rife with vaginas!  Man, it was a veritable infestation!   I went back to el Spacio Muerta, back to the point where I could never beat.  I play for a bout five minutes...BAM!  Giant vagina monstererio.  Man, this was the most vicious vagina I've ever seen in my whole vida.  Man, I don't ever want to fight no vaginas like that, no siree!  So to calm my senses and make my soul at rest, I pop in some Borderlands-Patrol, like Jack Nicholson.  Shootin' dudes in el face never gets old, and is good for the spirit, right?  NO!  GIANT VAGINA MONSTERS!  Man, it's a fucking conspiracy!  Illuminati-o in this motherfucker! 
 
And speaking of las vaginas, I am a huge pussy.  I'm trying a second playthrough of New Vegas on hardcore mode right now, and man, dadgummit, I'm trying to be evil.  But I'm just such a kind hearted motherfucker that I can't bring myself to be evil!  I can do it in the Massive-Effects, why not here?!  
 
Cheerio, amigo!
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