The Final E3 Mystery: The testament of Irvandus

My previous E3 mysteries in the Firestarter trilogy:

  1. Guardians of Life
  2. The Eggs of the Hawk

I sat in my office, it was bright and sunny out, the wind blew through my hair, through the empty window, through the soul of my being. My assistant Alphonso was throwing sentences at me like a drunken NBA player "The mystery of the Davis City bank brake in!" I sighed, "It was obviously the dicks from Vinny Ville the cities are in the same city. He looked at his note book "The foreign demo wrecker!" I sigh again, "He will be doing donuts in the park two blocks down, I've already notified police." Alphonso continued his pointless list of mysteries for me to solve but it was all becoming clear, I was tired of E3 mysteries. I've delved deep, solved hard, and filled every hole of mystery this show had. Alphonso was still excited though, being my secret assistant he kept track of the troublemakers know as the bomb crew. Then it happened.

The phone rings, I pick it up. "Hello mister Irvandus" The voice is modulated and unintelligible. "We have a device of considerable power in our hands currently, and unless you do what we say we will tell George Washington about Time Travel, ruining any chance of Lincoln force from being created... or America but that's less important." Damnit they have the time belt. I shoot a look at Alphonso he starts to transcribe the phone conversation. "Alright then mister..." "You can call us W.C.B.O.P or BOP for short" I decided to play along. "Alright BOP what do you want me to do." He pauses for a second "We know that you are very skilled at solving E3 mysteries, well we have one for you." Well this is significantly less sinister than I expected. "The mystery is this, Garry Whitta was kidnapped by someone at E3 because of his knowledge of the release date for the second episode of Walking Dead. We want you to find Garry or what's left of him and then send him to us." "Alright BOP I'll play your game for now." The phone hangs up, Alphonso stops typing, the wind stops blowing.

(Insert many paragraphs of Irvandus and Alphonso going on adventures and interviewing people with the occasional funny joke or reference.)

The sky was pitch black, me, Will Smith, Will Smith, and Alphonso sit around a table on top of a building. Alphonso was easily being confused by the ruse of our guests, he had trouble telling them apart. "I've seen a lot of shit in the last two hours, one of you is going to tell me where Garry Whitta is." The one with reddish hair says "Hell no" or maybe it was the other, it's hard to be sure. "Look I don't have a clue where he is." I smashed my fist on the table, startling Alphonso, "Kojima said the Smith's know the truth!" Will Smith, the taller one says "Alright, how about we trade, you tell me why when I type in google, MW3 Faceoff, I see a chick giving a blowjob?" "Probably Google Image cache error, duh." He nods "Alright see if you want to find Garry you just have..." The sentence is never finished at that exact moment a kid wearing a Pink shirt materializes above the table in a flash of bad 80s special effects and stabs Smith with a knife. Their is a moment of silence and then the thin veil of peace is broken with a unified "What the fuck!" The kid than vanishes again. Will Smith then runs and jumps off the building to get to safety, anyone who has won a golden duder can certainly survive such a fall.

I turn to Alphonso, he is scared shit less. "Alphonso I need you to do me a favor." He nods. "What do you need?" I pause " I need you to push me off this building Alphonso." He is stunned. "What no man that's crazy." I grab him "Listen Alphonso! Will Smith was our only lead to finding Whitta! If you kill me I'll go to heaven, get the information and then find a way to get it to you!" He shakes his head "No way man, you won't come back." I turn to him "This is my last case Alphonso, it was going to be either way, don't let me down." Alphonso nods and pushes me off the building.

I wake up a week later in a hospital bed Alphonso is sitting there. " You fucking pushed me off a building!" "You told me too" "I was kidding, how would me being dead solve anything!" "I don't know you convinced me!" I sigh and lean back. "So what did I miss while I was out?" Alphonso looks from side to side "Well Garry Whitta was found dead, he was killed by someone yelling Kings for life. "Shit" "WCBOP was revealed but some damn kid detective, turns out they were the We Can Beat One Hundred Percent Corporation, they were searching for ways to beat one hundred percent." I shake my head "My career is ruined Alphonso. "Well sir their is one more thing...

Find out next E3! Not really though, Adventure or Bust will return next week. If you guys seriously want another one then you can go convince 343 to make a new trilogy.

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Edited by Irvandus

My previous E3 mysteries in the Firestarter trilogy:

  1. Guardians of Life
  2. The Eggs of the Hawk

I sat in my office, it was bright and sunny out, the wind blew through my hair, through the empty window, through the soul of my being. My assistant Alphonso was throwing sentences at me like a drunken NBA player "The mystery of the Davis City bank brake in!" I sighed, "It was obviously the dicks from Vinny Ville the cities are in the same city. He looked at his note book "The foreign demo wrecker!" I sigh again, "He will be doing donuts in the park two blocks down, I've already notified police." Alphonso continued his pointless list of mysteries for me to solve but it was all becoming clear, I was tired of E3 mysteries. I've delved deep, solved hard, and filled every hole of mystery this show had. Alphonso was still excited though, being my secret assistant he kept track of the troublemakers know as the bomb crew. Then it happened.

The phone rings, I pick it up. "Hello mister Irvandus" The voice is modulated and unintelligible. "We have a device of considerable power in our hands currently, and unless you do what we say we will tell George Washington about Time Travel, ruining any chance of Lincoln force from being created... or America but that's less important." Damnit they have the time belt. I shoot a look at Alphonso he starts to transcribe the phone conversation. "Alright then mister..." "You can call us W.C.B.O.P or BOP for short" I decided to play along. "Alright BOP what do you want me to do." He pauses for a second "We know that you are very skilled at solving E3 mysteries, well we have one for you." Well this is significantly less sinister than I expected. "The mystery is this, Garry Whitta was kidnapped by someone at E3 because of his knowledge of the release date for the second episode of Walking Dead. We want you to find Garry or what's left of him and then send him to us." "Alright BOP I'll play your game for now." The phone hangs up, Alphonso stops typing, the wind stops blowing.

(Insert many paragraphs of Irvandus and Alphonso going on adventures and interviewing people with the occasional funny joke or reference.)

The sky was pitch black, me, Will Smith, Will Smith, and Alphonso sit around a table on top of a building. Alphonso was easily being confused by the ruse of our guests, he had trouble telling them apart. "I've seen a lot of shit in the last two hours, one of you is going to tell me where Garry Whitta is." The one with reddish hair says "Hell no" or maybe it was the other, it's hard to be sure. "Look I don't have a clue where he is." I smashed my fist on the table, startling Alphonso, "Kojima said the Smith's know the truth!" Will Smith, the taller one says "Alright, how about we trade, you tell me why when I type in google, MW3 Faceoff, I see a chick giving a blowjob?" "Probably Google Image cache error, duh." He nods "Alright see if you want to find Garry you just have..." The sentence is never finished at that exact moment a kid wearing a Pink shirt materializes above the table in a flash of bad 80s special effects and stabs Smith with a knife. Their is a moment of silence and then the thin veil of peace is broken with a unified "What the fuck!" The kid than vanishes again. Will Smith then runs and jumps off the building to get to safety, anyone who has won a golden duder can certainly survive such a fall.

I turn to Alphonso, he is scared shit less. "Alphonso I need you to do me a favor." He nods. "What do you need?" I pause " I need you to push me off this building Alphonso." He is stunned. "What no man that's crazy." I grab him "Listen Alphonso! Will Smith was our only lead to finding Whitta! If you kill me I'll go to heaven, get the information and then find a way to get it to you!" He shakes his head "No way man, you won't come back." I turn to him "This is my last case Alphonso, it was going to be either way, don't let me down." Alphonso nods and pushes me off the building.

I wake up a week later in a hospital bed Alphonso is sitting there. " You fucking pushed me off a building!" "You told me too" "I was kidding, how would me being dead solve anything!" "I don't know you convinced me!" I sigh and lean back. "So what did I miss while I was out?" Alphonso looks from side to side "Well Garry Whitta was found dead, he was killed by someone yelling Kings for life. "Shit" "WCBOP was revealed but some damn kid detective, turns out they were the We Can Beat One Hundred Percent Corporation, they were searching for ways to beat one hundred percent." I shake my head "My career is ruined Alphonso. "Well sir their is one more thing...

Find out next E3! Not really though, Adventure or Bust will return next week. If you guys seriously want another one then you can go convince 343 to make a new trilogy.

Posted by dudeglove

Posted by Harpell

I read it like it was narrated by Max Payne in the first game. It was amazing.