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Jennacide

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Stuff I Get Obsessed With That Doesn't Totally Suck...part 1

By Jennacide 3 Comments

I’m addicted to many things; I’m not going to lie. I have an addictive personality and a short attention span, which means every week I become obsessed by something new and exciting. This week for example I love my Nintendo DS, potato chips, buttons and clocks. (Admittedly my obsession with buttons and clocks has been much longer lasting than a week, but you get my point.)
Another thing I get easily taken by is video games. I often find that a game will capture all of my attention for a week or two, and then I’ll move onto something completely different. This week I’m ashamed to say that I’m slightly more obsessed with facebook games than I’d like.

I wish I could say that I’m playing them simply so I can write about them, but that’s really not the case. Though a big part of playing those games is because they provide a successful means of procrastination, it’s also because I just want my hotel/restaurant/city to be better than everybody else’s.

But I figure, while this game has captured my attention, I might as well write about it. Maybe writing about it will make me realise how bad it is and stop me from wanting to play it. Or get me a whole lot more obsessed, and become driven to have the best building in the whole wide world. Either way, welcome to my new segment ‘Stuff Jenn gets obsessed with that doesn’t totally suck*’.

Hotel City
Hotel City isn’t so much a game, as a big waste of time. So I’m not going to be reviewing it as a game…but as an instrument of procrastination. In this application (see what I did there?) you build your own hotel from the ground up. Place your rooms; fill them with objects and decorations, and watch the money roll in. The better your hotel gets, the higher your rank goes. The higher your rank, the cooler stuff you can purchase. For example, I’m rank 27 (don’t judge me) and I just purchased my very own Garden Cupcake Café. Who doesn’t want cupcakes in their hotel?

Why it’s good
Keeps you coming back: This game runs on shifts. The longer you want your hotel to stay open, the more money you shed out so you can do that. But that also means your hotel is open for a longer time, earning more money and moving up in the ranks. Now if you’re anything like me and start your hotel on a four hour shift, you’re going to forget about it. Four hours is a long time, especially when you can be filling it with things like eating, or playing real games. Or eating. However, if you forget for too long, and your hotel stays closed for longer than it really should, you get punished. Roaches will infest all your rooms, costing you money to get rid of them. Playing the game is free, but forgetting to keep playing it will cost you. It’s just all part of how they keep reeling you in.

Another way they do this is by adding new items to the game every week. At the moment there’s a whole bunch of ice themed items to give your hotel some extra chill, or glitzy items to make your hotel stand out from the rest. I personally don’t care too much about these, since most of them require real money for you to purchase, and none of them fit into my own hotel’s theme of ‘nothing’. But for some people out there, I can imagine that the announcement of new Hotel City items is the highlight of their week.


I know some pretty sad people.

Friends can play and help each other out: The only thing better than wasting your time playing a stupid facebook game, is making your friends waste their time too. Hotel City takes every opportunity to ask you to publish something to the news feed, asking the people you know to staff your hotel, share in your success or give you items. They might have important assignments to get done, or better games to play, but who cares? Real friends help friends when their hotels are in need. Real friends spam friends’ walls asking them to work in their hotel. And real friends listen to friends when they say ‘This game is amazing and you should play it because then we can compete against one another’.

Real friends should probably realise it’s time to find new friends.

Healthy Competition: This application allows you to see all of your facebook friends who have hotels, and pay them a visit. If you visit them you’ll notice a bag of money sitting in their foyer which is yours for the taking. You’ll also have a good opportunity to suss out their hotel, and figure out how many more hours you have to invest into this game before yours looks better and earns more money. Because playing with your friends is one thing, but being better than them is something totally different (and much more important).

Simple: There is absolutely nothing to this game; all you do is click stuff. There’s no way you can screw up. And because it’s a flash game it’ll run on pretty much any system, whether you’re on the crappy school/work/uni computers or the awesome super computer you have at home. Not only does that mean that you can play it no matter where you are, but you can also play it no matter what mood you’re in. Bored? Click stuff. Tired? Click stuff. Sad? Click stuff! There is never a moment in your life where you can’t be clicking stuff. (Unless you’re not at a computer. Then you should probably read a book or something).

Why it’s bad
It’s a facebook application: No matter how different they try to be, facebook applications are pretty much the same no matter where you look. You do some stuff, spend some money, wait a few hours, then do some stuff, spend some money and wait a few more hours. It’s a never ending vicious cycle of useless point and clicking that you reap no rewards from. If you’re not completely bored out of your skull, then there’s a good chance staring at a wall will be more productive than five minutes of Hotel City.

It really is a waste of time: It doesn't matter how you twist it inside your head, you can’t make this application anything other than what it is; a massive waste of your time. It doesn’t teach you anything, it doesn’t give you bragging rights, it’s not something you can start a conversation about, and your real life is probably worse off for having invested your time into something so dumb.

No money= no fun: If you find yourself with no money in this game, then you’re pretty much screwed. You need money to build your hotel, decorate your hotel and run your hotel. Hell you even need money to open your hotel. So when there is no money, there is also nothing to do. A time waster should be something that can waste your time for hours on end, not suddenly become useless once you’re broke. And while Hotel City does bring some enjoyment (if it didn’t, I wouldn’t play it) it is extremely short lived.

Hotel City has not sucked away my brain completely. I still would rather be playing Final Fantasy than clicking away at a hotel for hours on end, but at the same time, this facebook game is the perfect little time filler for those short moments of boredom.

While I can happily admit I have invested way too much time into my hotel, I can also say that I realise I have invested way too much time into my hotel. And if you can play this game and know full well that it is a mega massive waste of your time, but still feel like you wanna do it anyway… then I see no problem with that. Happy clicking!

*Name open to change    
3 Comments

Cartoons and Video Games? Computer says... um, maybe

By Jennacide 19 Comments

Cartoons are the fabric of the universe. There, I said it. Cartoons are the life stream that flows through everything we do. When something happens that is slightly crazy, cartoons make it a daily occurrence. When a tragedy occurs, cartoons make it ok to laugh. When a heart gets broken, cartoons are there in all their colour to put a smile back on your face. And then there’s a whole bunch of other stuff they do, like entertain children and stuff. But the point is, cartoons are almighty.

Because cartoons are already so out there, crazy and amazing, some people think that it should be easy for them to be turned into video games, which are also out there, crazy and amazing. However they are WRONG. So many times when people try to make a good thing better they end up making a good thing SHITTY. However on the very RAREST of occasions, it works. And here are some of the ones where this is true.

Aladdin (Sega Megadrive)
Why it worked?
Because this game is awesome, that’s why. It’s a side-scrolling platformer where you control Aladdin through many of the locations that were present in the movie. The gameplay is simple; jump across ledges and kill bad guys with your sword or by throwing apples at them. You heard me; the Aladdin game was made in a simpler time, when bad guys died with an apple to the head and bonus levels were actually fun rather than being a mindless chore.

The game combined all the great things about the movie and put it together with the Mega Drive’s capabilities to create something fun for both children and adults. It was widely received at the time by fans of both the movie, and platformers in general. Even now it still holds up, despite the fact that it’s an extremely old game on an even more outdated console. But good games, like good Disney movies, never get old.

The Simpsons Game (Cross platform)
Why it worked?
The Simpsons is a cartoon that is almost older than me, and over their years of popularity they have churned out countless articles of merchandise, including a variety of video games. Most of them really sucked, but the most recent The Simpsons Game was one of the better ones to hit the market. The storyline was laughable and the controls made me want to rip my face off (I played the PSP version) but I could overlook all of that because the game carried with it the satirical humour of the television show.

My favourite part of the game was the video game clichés. Every time you come across something that is typical to a video game, a little screen pops up and tells you which cliché you have come across, along with a witty little joke that makes you chuckle. Another thing I liked was the level design. Each level combined both elements of the Simpsons world, as well as qualities of various video game genres. It was nice to swap from level to level and be greeted with something different each time, rather than going through the same sort of stuff the whole way through.

The Simpsons Game is one that, whilst entertaining, has absolutely no replay value (unless you want to go through and find every single cliché you can). If you compare this title to other games of The Simpsons franchise, you’re going to be pleasantly surprised. Compare it to most other games of its type and you’ll probably end up being disappointed.

Rugrats Search for Reptar (PS1)
Why it worked?
I played this game for hours upon hours as a kid, and hours upon hours as an adult because this title works as both a game and an instrument for nostalgia.

You find yourself controlling Tommy and looking for pieces of his Reptar puzzle. To find them you do levels that are pretty much interactive episodes of the television show. The voices are the same as the cartoon, the locations are the same as the cartoon, and even the objects you can pick up and interact with you’ll recognise from Tommy’s room or playpen.
The game is big without being too big, and just different enough from the show to stop it feeling like you’re simply playing out episodes you’ve seen a hundred million times.

Aesthetically this game is nothing to boast about. The choppy 3d graphics were quite poor as far as playstation standards go, but at its heart, this game is fun. And for a children’s game, isn’t that all that really matters?
…
However, not every cartoon to video game experiment can end well, and in fact a lot of them don’t. The majority of these games end up being bargain bin fillers a few weeks after they’re released, because they relied too heavily on the characters on the cover rather than the game inside. So here’s a list of those games that tried and failed, and should probably stay in the bottom of the sale bucket where they belong.

Cartoon Network Racing (Nintendo DS/ PS2)
Why it didn’t work?
Cartoon Network is like god to me. I love cartoons. They teach me life lessons, and give me characters I can aspire to be like when I grow up. So you’ve gotta understand that something like Cartoon Network, which brings me nothing but goodness, smiles and laughter was something I treasured. You can imagine that when I realised there was a Cartoon Network Racing game on the DS I pounced on it and geared myself up for losing massive chunks of my social life to play it. Racing games are pretty much the only games I’m good at, so combine it with cartoons and my hopes couldn’t get much higher.

They also couldn’t get much lower than when I realised this game was crap with a capital OMGWHY?! Cartoon Network Racing tried to be something it wasn’t, and that was Mario Kart. It replaced the Mario characters with the favourites of the Cartoon Network cast and…that’s really where the positives end. After that they created tracks that were supposedly related to the characters, but really weren’t, and objects and power ups that required the creativity of a soggy tissue to invent. Then they took everybody who had a suggestion for making the game fun, and killed them with a brick.

This game isn’t really awful (I’m incredibly biased because of my somewhat creepy love for cartoons) but it isn’t that good either. The coolest thing about it is that you can unlock entire episodes of TV shows. But then again, I can just watch them on TV anyway. Kids who are actually kids will probably enjoy it a lot more than undercover kids like me, otherwise this is one to avoid.

Mickey’s Wild Adventure (PS1)
Why it didn't work?
Mickey Mouse may be a classic figure, but he is annoying. His voice is annoying, his face is annoying, and the tale of his life is annoying. Why I would wanna play a game about him, I don’t know. Why KIDS would wanna play a game about it when they probably don’t even know who Mickey Mouse is, I don’t know. So why do they keep making Mickey Mouse games? I don’t know that either. What I do know, is that I haven’t found a game with Mickey in it that I found even the least bit enjoyable. (Except for Kingdom Hearts. But that doesn’t count.)

The Mickey Mouse game that’s stuck with me the most over my years of playing Disney games was the Playstation port of The Timeless Adventures of Mickey Mouse (which is called Mickey’s Wild Adventure). This game was a simple platformer where the levels took you through the different eras of Mickey. You go from 1928 Mickey in Steamboat Willie to 1990 Mickey in The Prince and the Pauper. This game sounded promising; I’m a huge fan of platformer games, and even though I was never a big Mickey fanatic, I was a child, and pretty easily impressed back then. But this game failed me.

You’d expect a kids game to be one of the simplest things to play, but this certainly wasn’t. And there was no tutorial either, meaning we just got thrown onto a steamboat and were expected to figure things out for ourselves. After spending hours trying to beat the very first level, I moved onto the next one, which was still insanely hard, even when I knew what the hell I was meant to do.

Kid’s games should be easy. Kids have short attention spans, and they cry a lot. So why would any game developer in his right mind create a game for a kid that’s going to do nothing but frustrate them and make them cry?

Simpsons Wrestling. (PS1)
Why it didn’t work?
The one fault I can never find with Simpsons games is the audio. Every Simpsons game I’ve played (and there have been a lot) have always gone to great lengths to get the cast from the TV show to voice the cast in the video game. Sure they only record about three different sayings that get played over and over again until you know every single one of them off by heart, but it’s still something a little different to listen to for the first half hour of each game.

Unfortunately, that is where my inability to find faults end, especially in The Simpsons Wrestling. This game is a true representation of a half assed attempt to make a mediocre game which relies on nothing except the yellow people on the front cover to sell it. And it works. I bought it, and a whole bunch of other kids would have as well. But just because something makes a lot of money, doesn’t mean its any good.

Not many people in the gaming world appreciated this game, and it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out why. The graphics are average, the gameplay is poor and the controls consist of little more than button mashing. The only thing this game had going for it was the audio track, and I can get the same thing by turning on my television. And that’s free.
…
Cartoons are an amazing thing. They are pretty much my favourite thing ever. So combine them with video games and it’s heaven for me. However, make a cartoon into a video game that sucks and it’s a tragedy to rival no other. Cartoons and video games both have no boundaries, but that doesn’t mean you should combine them. Put two cannibals in a room and one of them will still end up eating the other, despite their common interests. So do the right thing; protect cartoons. Say no to turning them into video games.    
19 Comments

Stereotyping is fun

By Jennacide 49 Comments


Disclaimer: I don't know a lot of people on this site, and so therefore they may not get my sense of humour. This is not meant to offend, only entertain. If you're offended by it, you're taking it way too seriously. Now enjoy! 
 
There are so many different types of gamers in this world. Some we’d kill to have on our team, others we try as hard as we can to stay away from. Either way, there’s no escaping the various types of people we find online. But at least after reading this, you’ll be able to identify them, and pick which to add to your friends list and which to block every single way you can.

The ones we DON’T like
The Kid
The kid is usually about 10-13 years old. He hasn’t hit puberty yet, and his high pitched voice destroys our ear drums. Instead of playing something age appropriate like ‘My Little Pony, the video game’ he’s on TF2 mic spamming and doing things wrong. Notably, the kid is probably a lot better at TF2 than I am, but that’s beside the point.
Why don’t we like them?
  • It’s annoying when they tell us what to do. I’m 20, you’re 10. Get lost.
  • It’s annoying when they’re loads better than you
  • It’s annoying when they’re mic spamming in the middle of the day. Shouldn’t you be at school?
  • It’s annoying when their brain hasn’t developed enough to understand words like ‘strategy’ ‘rules’ and ‘shut up and go away’.

 
The Griefer
Sometimes it seems like people exist in gaming worlds only to make your life hell… and this is probably true. Some people have nothing better to do with their time than hop online and ruin your gaming fun. Whether it’s de-buffing you every chance they get, having way too much fun with friendly fire or just plain getting in your way, these people like nothing more than ruining your day. These are griefers, they are like the plague, and they must be stopped.
 
 Why don’t we like them?

  • We become way too familiar with the Kick/Ban/Report button
  • Friendly fire loses all its humour and just becomes annoying
  • They’re aggravating, but losing your temper with them only means they’re succeeding
  • They’re douchebags. And nobody likes a douchebag

 
The Girl Gamer- Type 1
In my eyes, there are three different types of girl gamers. One of them is good; two of them suck like an anorexic at an eating contest. The first type of girl gamer is the one that practically gags for online attention. She’ll make her name SxcChick694eva or something equally ridiculous and make her avatar or character some super skinny, incredibly pretty girl. ATTENTION GIRLS WHO DO THAT: Nobody believes you. Everybody knows you’re probably a massive fat chick who comes home to family size microwave pizza and your cat Bootsy. You’re not fooling anyone. But nothing is more entertaining than delusion, so keep it up.
Why don’t we like them?

  • They’re annoying, plain and simple
  • They’re liars
  • They spend too much time looking for sexy avatars than getting good at the game they’re playing

 
The Girl Gamer- Type 2
This type of girl gamer is much more annoying than the last. This is the girl gamer who needs everybody to know that she’s a girl, and demands that she not be treated differently because of it. News flash: You’re stupid. Why not just keep your big mouth shut in the first place? 50% of the people online don’t give a crap about whether you’re a girl or not and the other 50% don’t believe you anyway.
 
Why don’t we like them?
Watching someone try and convince a group of people they’re a girl is pathetic. It’s like watching a fat kid convince his parents he didn’t eat the last cookie from the cookie jar as he dusts crumbs from his hands.

  • She’ll say ‘don’t treat me different’ and then get shitty when you shoot her in the face.
  • She’s tarnishing the names of GOOD girl gamers everywhere
 
The Basement Dwelling Neck Beard
These are the gamers who are reaching their 40’s and consider freedom moving from their bedroom to their mother’s basement. They haven’t moved out of home, and probably never will until they meet a basement dwelling troll woman. These guys find it incredibly rude and inconsiderate when you can’t make every single raid time, no matter how extreme they get. FYI neckbeards, not all of us have issues with leaving the house. Some of us even like it. Maybe when you’re thin enough to get through your doorway, you’ll realise that you like it too.
Why don’t we like them?
  • If you have a social life, you’re pretty much the worst traitorous scum in the world to these people
  • They’re always online, which means playing a game without them is pretty much impossible
  • Because they play games 24 hours a day, their view of reality becomes warped and weird.
  • They’re unhealthy, and there’s a good chance they’ll have a heart attack in the middle of a raid. Not cool.

 
The ones we DO like
The Closet Gamer
This is the guy who makes his uber gaming skills his best kept secret. Being called a nerd or a geek is pretty much the worst thing that could ever happen to this guy. However, more often than not, the closet gamer kicks ass. The quiet ones normally do. The only flaw is that if his friends find out about his gaming habits you’ll never see him again.
 
Why we like them?

  • They’re awesome skilled.
  • They’re quiet, and they don’t bother people
  • They’re happy to just play the game

 
The Girl Gamer- Type 3
The last type of girl gamer is the one that kicks your ass. All of us have got a certain type of game we’re really good at. For some girl gamers, FPS’s are as easy to win as getting up in the morning. For me, racing games are what I’m good at. I suck at shooting games, and my temper is too short for fighting games, but there’s no way I’m going to lose a race to anybody. (Except for the people who are better than me.)
 
Why we like them?

  • They’re really really good
  • They don’t pester you with useless girl crap
  • It’s nice when a game isn’t a total sausage fest

 
The Pro
In everything you do, there’s going to be someone who’s better at it than you are. In the gaming world, this is the pro. No matter what game he plays, he’s gonna own you at it. He can’t play sport to save his life, and if you ask him to add up some numbers he’ll probably draw a blank, but when it comes to games, he’s the king.
 
Why we like them?

  • There’s nothing better than having someone really ridiculously good on your team
  • Their skills are the same across any genre of game
  • They’re usually very helpful. They’ve done the levels you’ve done a million times before and aced them every time, so they’re quite willing to show you how to do it.

The Temper Tantrum
These are the people that have no patience, or tolerance for losing. If they or their team isn’t winning, they will throw a fit. And usually, this is hilarious. Sure you’ll probably cop an earful of obscenities, and somehow it’s going to be all your fault that they didn’t win, but really, when somebody gets that angry over losing a game or dying, there’s nothing you can do but laugh.

Why we like them?
  • Losing sucks, we all know that. But what will make you feel better is listening to this guy scream until he’s blue in the face and telling yourself ‘well at least I’m not that guy’.
  • They come up with the most creative insults. Nothings gets the creativity flowing like white hot anger
  • It’s hilarious. There’s just no denying it. And sometimes after 3 hours of playing a game and losing, you need something to make you laugh.

So there you go. Placing all your online friends into one of these categories will probaby make your gaming life a whole lot easier.

 
Have I forgotten one? Let me know!
   

49 Comments

Nintendo DS; hot water bottle, giver of hugs, forgotten friend

By Jennacide 10 Comments

Whether you’re hung over, sick, or just plain depressed, video games are always going to be there to make you feel better. But normally when you’re feeling crook the very last thing you wanna do is get out of bed, or off your comfy couch. The other day when I was feeling sick I found myself missing my DS. I haven’t picked up that console since I ran out of things to do on Pokemon Soul Silver and currently it’s sitting on my bedside table collecting dust. It makes me feel bad, because my DS and I have had some good memories.

The DS is the perfect console to play when you’re sick, because it’s the only one that can give you a hug (well, it can sorta close itself around your wrist… which is more comforting than nothing at all). It also has such a wide variety of games on it that no matter what sort of sick you’re feeling, there’s always gonna be something to aid you.

When I’m ill I turn to puzzle games. I even bought myself a little puzzle book before I realised that I’m a 21st century kid, and should be doing everything electronically. Simple games like CrossworDS are good to play, as they stimulate your brain just enough to stop it from turning into mush, but not enough to overwork it and make it leak out your ears.

A puzzle game with a bit of a twist is Scribblenauts. I thought this was the most amazing thing ever invented until I got absolutely stuck on a level (which I still haven’t beaten to this day). In this game, you’re placed in a level with the aim of reaching the star at the end. To reach it, all you have to do is enter words into the game to conjure objects to aid you.
For example, if there are enemies in the way of the star, you can type ‘gun’ and blow them away. Or you can type ‘boulder’ and stick them between a rock and a hard place. Or like the picture, lure cops away with donuts (the circular doughy goodness is always a fail safe plan). There’s almost no limits to what you can do, though you get points based on how creative you are, so try to think outside the box.
Playing this game when you’re feeling like crap will probably make you feel a lot better, as there are a fair few laughs to be had. However if you get stuck, it might be better to take a break than persist with it. Throwing a temper tantrum when you’ve got no energy doesn’t sound like the fast track to recovery to me.

Keeping your brain alive isn’t always what people wanna do when they’re sick… or healthy for that matter. For these sorts of people, perhaps one of the RPG games on the DS is more your style. Nothing shuts off your brain better than immersing yourself in a world that isn’t your own. Your sniffly nose and sore stomach cease to matter when you’re searching for the king in Dragon Quest, or battling against the elite four in Pokemon. RPG’s are also massive time sinks. I know I invested well over 100 hours into Final Fantasy Tactics A-2, so chances are if you start up one of these games you’ll be better before you finish it. So just play it really fast!

The Nintendo DS is something of an underrated console, but I’ve never been more grateful for it than when I’ve been sick. And the multiplayer modes for some of the games are hilariously fun, so once you’re better, you can go harass your friends to pick their DS’s back up again too. Or just dump it back in the drawer you found it in until you fall ill again. Either way.    

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