If anyone has ever had the, er...pleasure of listening to me bitch about stuff, then you probably know that I have some trouble with sleep. I don’t know what it is, really. I guess I must have said something to piss it off, or cheated on it with a nap. Either way, whatever I did has guaranteed I don’t get a good night’s sleep all that often anymore.

One of my big problems is that once I hit the sack, my brain suddenly decides it’s time to make me crave foods I can’t have. Bacon, cupcakes, kebabs, thai food, you name it; if it’s tasty I’ll have a hankering for it at 4am. Thanks brain.

I’ve tried many different remedies to fix my sleep deprivation (though nothing short of stuffing myself senseless before bed will cure my cravings) but nothing seemed to do much good. Until one night one of my helpful twitter buddies suggested I try an ipod/iphone app called Pzizz. At first I was skeptical, but I figured, hey,  technology has never steered me wrong before! Plus it was recommended to me by the wonderful Nathan Cocks (as seen in Aussie gaming magazines Hyper and PC Powerplay, for my American readers), and when Cocksy says to try something, it usually either works, or is hilarious. And that was all I needed to give it a go.

There are two versions of Pzizz. One is used as a rejuvenation tool to give you an energy boost, and the other is used for deep sleep. I purchased the latter and used it that night. I cleared my head the best I could, put my mobile somewhere it couldn’t distract me and let the app do its thing.

In a nutshell:

The app starts with soothing sounds to set the mood; waves crashing, wind blowing, chimes ringing. Then a man’s voice starts talking to you, telling you that we’re going to work together to make the transition into restful sleeping. That’s all well and dandy, but as soon as he says “you might decide to let my voice wash over you”  he immediately stops being the lovely helpful narrator and turns into a Wolf Creek-esque backpacker murdering creep. But hey, there’s nothing like the water from the top end, so let’s just keep going shall we?

What I liked:

• When this app wasn’t scaring the pants off me (keep reading) I actually found it quite relaxing. Even though the narrator (if you can really call him that) had a voice like a seasoned paedophile, I have to admit that if I tuned him out and focused solely on the background noise, I became quite relaxed. In fact I found myself in such a calm, relaxed state of mind I had to continually fight off the urge to pee. To some people, this might sound like a bad thing, but really, if an app can make me need to pee, then I’m impressed. Who wouldn’t be!?

• The app put me to sleep, there’s no doubt about that, however the dreams it gave me were quite...odd. Because Cocks was the person that recommended this to me, I found my dreams often included him in some bizarre culmination of the app and my over-active imagination. For example, one of the ones I remember included Cocks surfing in the ocean...riding a dinosaur. Another one included him being caught in a belltower with the creepy narrator while Pyramid Head from Silent Hill tracked them down. Though these dreams were incredibly weird and somewhat disturbing, they beat the dreams I normally have (which are either frightening beyond all reason or just plain boring). So if nothing else, this app does provide some slumber entertainment.

What I didn’t like:

• The app uses a bell throughout the duration of the session; however it isn’t a lovely tinkly bell like you’d expect. Oh no, this bell sounds like something to symbolise that all hell is about to break loose. It reminded me strongly of the bell used in the Silent Hill movie, and that meant “get the fuck to safety otherwise your face is gonna get torn off by monsters.” Needless to say, every time I heard this noise I immediately thought that Pyramid Head was going to emerge from under my bed, and I became insanely afraid.

• Though Pzizz did succeed in putting me to sleep, it didn’t succeed inkeeping me asleep, which the Pierce Brosnan meets John Wayne Gacy Jnr narrator said it would. Before the app begins, you set a time for how long you would like it to go for. I always pick an hour, because I figure if I’m awake for any longer I might as well get back up and start gaming again. That being said, I have never been able to listen to the app in full; always falling asleep before it is finished. However, once the app is over and everything becomes silent once more, I am jolted awake by the loss of noise. Now maybe that’s just me being spaztastic, but suddenly waking up because the noise has stopped seems like the opposite of what a sleeping app should achieve.

Sooo...

If you answer ‘No’ to any or all of these questions, then this could be the app to cure your insomnia once and for all.

Do you mind being lulled to sleep by a man with a voice that sounds like he’ll gut you once your eyes are closed?

Do you have an overactive imagination that creates insane dreams on a regular basis?

Do you have a severe hatred towards iPods and iPhones?

Do you mind spending 8 aussie dollars on an app like this?

Do you often have night terrors, even without the use of a fear inducing app such as this?

Do you have a weak bladder?

If you answered nothing but ‘No’, then I’d recommend downloading Pzizz. If you had a few ‘yes’s’ in there, then hell, do it anyway for the lols. If you answered all of the questions with ‘yes’ then, well..Um. Nope. Thought I had a witty little quip there but I don’t.

Goodnight everybody. Pleasant dreams!