So way back when I first started this writing shindig I used to take requests from people, and one of these requests was “please play ‘Robot Unicorns Attack’”. So I did. I played the game, I suffered through the somewhat fantastic, mostly brain destroying theme song, and managed to churn out about 500 words on it.

Since I’m running out of ideas for my blog, I’ve decided to start taking review requests once more. Of course, because my friends are total douchebags, the first games that were suggested were QWOP and GIRP. Not being one to go back on my word, I decided to undertake this challenge, but do myself the favour of including them in a double feature. So here goes. Get ready to read the biggest load of crap ever written.

QWOP

What is it?
That’s a really bloody good question. In QWOP you’re a runner in the Olympics. Your aim is to run 100m, but because your team was severely under funded you’re going to be lucky if you get over the starting line. The Q and W keys control the runner’s thighs whilst O and P control his calves. Get the idea? If you don’t, then your brain is dented because it can’t be any simpler than how I’ve put it.

What I “liked”:

• The only thing I liked about this game is when you fail abysmally (which you do, constantly, because this game is pixel hell) the runner falls on his head with a satisfying crack. Or he splits his groin in half. Or falls backwards. No matter how you fail, it looks damn painful and bloody hell it feels good to know he shares the pain we go through by playing this goddamn game.

What I didn’t like:

• Everything. I didn’t achieve more than 2.4 metres and it shitted me right off. It got to the point where I hoped if I held down Q and W hard enough he’d split in half. But he didn’t. And that annoys me.

Final thoughts:

This game is annoying. So annoying I want to rip it out of my computer screen, light it on fire and throw it out a window. I hate the stupid runner and his shitty retarded legs. I hate his under funded Olympics team and everybody else on it. And I hope someone sets him alight with the Olympic torch.

GIRP

What is it?

You are some guy. Your aim is to climb up a mountain before the water level rises and you die. End of story. The handholds have letters on them. Press the letter and your little dude will try and grab onto them. If you get to the end you apparently get some sort of prize however I wouldn’t know, as I don’t have the patience to do such a thing.

What I “liked”:

• This game has an ending. It is apparently possible to finish this game.  I haven’t had such luck (if you can call it that) but it’s nice to know that you can achieve something by playing this game (apart from wanting to put a bullet through your skull).

What I didn’t like:

• I feel like if I say ‘everything’ again, it’s sort of a rip off. And, I suppose, I didn’t hate everything in this game. However what particularly annoyed me was when the handhold is clearly within the dude’s reach, and he just refuses to grab it. THE LETTER T IS RIGHT THERE DUDE. GRAB IT. FRICKIN GRAB IT NOW.

Final thoughts:

Don’t quote me on this, but I’ve heard that not even the guy who created this game can finish it. However he seems like the sort of person who licks the windows on buses, so that doesn’t surprise me in the slightest.

To sum up:

As much as I wish I could destroy these games, they’re strangely addictive. I feel like I simply must reach over a metre in QWOP, and knowing that there’s an end to GIRP makes it more frustrating that I can’t get to it. If I had to sum up these two games in a sentence, it would be this: At least Robot Unicorns Attack had a theme song.

Please Note: The title of this entry was what these games did to my brain.
Also: If you have a game you would like me to review, just let me know. I'm open to anything I can get my hands on (evidently, if I just spent my night writing about this crap)