Take a look at your car outside. Imagine that you had to fill it with petrol everyday, no matter if you were going out in it or not. Every morning you had to take it out of the garage and give it a clean. Then clean out the garage as it had leaked oil all over the place. Once you polished the thing to within in an inch of its life it’s time to decide if you want to go out in it or not. If you do, you better go and get the seats out of the garage and fasten them inside the car. Then put your special car riding hat on, as well as your driving pants and clamber aboard. Unfortunately you can only drive at about 4mph so going long distances is out of the question. You can’t even go to the shops as there is a high chance that upon returning your car may have just driven off on it’s own accord. The only sensible thing to do is to drive around and come straight home again. Just one big loop. Once your back home, it’s time to unfasten the seats and get them back in the garage. Then give your car another clean, making sure to polish the wheel trims thoroughly. Top the car back up with petrol and place back in the garage.

Luckily enough we don’t have to do this. We have invented a machine that you just get in and go wherever you want to go.

So why do people still fuck around with these 4 legged money holes?!

I know all the horse lovers out there will defend their right to be on the roads etc and how lovely they are and how they have pretty eyes (the horses not the people), but it’s not that that bugs me. The whole process just seems so utterly pointless. You can’t go anywhere on your horse, you can only just go back to where you started, back to the stables with other horsey types who have spent all day shoveling, cleaning and going round in circles. It’s not even as if it’s a folly for the rich, as every one these days has a horse, or a stable where some other idiots keep their shiny ponies. Then after years of riding along the same roads and shitting over the road markings, the things knee goes and it’s bullet to the head time.

Just get a cat.

Please educate me and justify why horses are so great and should be allowed to trample lollipop ladies?

Answers on a postcard