Last week I finally bought Super Smash Bros. Brawl. I've been ignoring the game for the past eight or nine years or however long it's been since release, but with the impending death of Nintendo Wi-Fi Connection and the upcoming release of Super Smash Bros. for Nintendo 3DS and Super Smash Bros. for Wii U, I figured it was time to finally play the game. I'll try to play online while I still have the opportunity, and I'll hopefully improve my skills. It's been a few years since I last played Super Smash Bros. Melee, and I'm probably pretty rusty. I will spend three weeks playing this game, and then it will disappear forever no longer work online.

Day 1: The First Day

I start the game and connect my Classic Controller Pro. The Wii Remote would also work, but I want something closer to the GameCube controller I'm used to. I guess I could buy an adapter that allows me to use a GameCube controller as a Classic Controller, but that's just an obstacle to me playing this game so stop suggesting these ideas guys.

I want to try losing first to get a sense for how I improve, so I select the Nintendo Wi-Fi Connection option. My friend code is 3311-9172-6672. I can now enter my profile name. It's not really clear what this is used for, but who am I to say no. Names are limited to five letters. I fumble with the T9 keyboard until the name ANDY appears on screen.

I have the option to spectate a match, but since I prefer to get my ass kicked first I select a "basic brawl". This is referred to as a "quick brawl with someone, somewhere". My first match proves to be full of lag and I eventually get disconnected. I try a second match, and managed to get two KOs and four falls. I need practice, but that's what these next three weeks are for.

I play Classic mode as Link and beat Master Hand. Suddenly Marth appears! We brawl for a bit until I activate my Final Smash and kill him. Now I can play as Marth, just like old times.

In the Character Roll Call I shot 78 out of 85 targets. So uh, are there credits elsewhere in this game? In previous iterations this is where you'd shoot the credits. They aren't here and I don't know where they are

.I head to the coin launcher to use up the coins I've earned. I get a Cyndaquil trophy and a Chikorita trophy, as well as Jill, Peppy and Sukapon stickers. I don't know what a Sukapon is, and it isn't in our wiki.

Day 2: Let's Subspace

Today I'm going to play the Subspace Emissary. I select Normal difficulty because I don't know what I'm doing.

Apparently Peach and Zelda are running an illegal fighting league, and Mario and Kirby are the combatants. The game allows me to select which of the two I want to play as. After Mario kicks Kirby's ass some weird robot spirits come in and we have to work together to defeat them.

Oh no some bad guy appears. He Team Rockets Mario into space and then he kidnaps Peaches Geldof and and Kirby has to save them both. At least that's what my day 2 notes say. I don't believe it either.

After successfully defeating Petey Piranha, Wario appears and blows up the entire stadium. There are no survivors.

End of stage 1. Back to the map I go. Oh, there's a map. This mode has a map, you guys. So then I go into stage two, which stars Pit. He finds Mario and the two of them team up and fight crime together, just like they did in the old days.

Day 3: Tetris Attack

I start with some singleplayer brawls. I encounter Celebi for the first time. I don't know why it's important to explicitly point this out, but the game explicitly pointed it out to me and I feel I have a duty to pass that explicit pointing on to you.

Then I check out the sound test and discover the Tetris Type A music. Awesome. I didn't know they included any Tetris-related content this game. I enjoy that music for a while, and then enter the stage builder and create a stage based on the Soviet mind game. There are tetrominoes all up in here. It's cramped and hard to knock opponents out of, and it would be a great stage to inflict large amounts of damage on if characters weren't constantly holding on to ledges. Oh well.

Day 4: We Like Ike

Oh no, I forgot to adjust my Wii U's clock for Daylight Saving Time. I'll get to that by the end of the week I'm sure. But man, DST. What a load of shit.

Building on what I learned yesterday, I create a level dedicated to building up damage. The top of the stage consists of two large conveyer belts, with two donut lifts in the center. Beneath that is the fully walled area where the fighting takes place. Only when an item falls on one of the donut lifts is there an opening through which a combatant can exit the stage. Until then it's all about building up damage.

Trying out the level Ike achieves peak damage of 461%. I should have checked how much damage I inflicted on the others as well, but I wasn't thinking of that.

Also, love the chants when a particular character is doing really well.

Day 5: Never Playing This Game Again

I copy and edit yesterday's level, reconfiguring so there's only one donut lift. Now it should be more difficult to escape. I set a thirty minute timer and select my custom stage.

So here's what we learned today. It turns out the maximum amount of damage you can inflict is 999%, this game is terrible, and I never want to play it again.

Day 6: Playing This Game Again

Today on The Subspace Emissary, Diddy Kong and Fox McCloud have to work together to defeat Rayquaza and put an end to Bowser's reign. But Bowser was just a shadow clone trophy imposter! Then the real Bowser shows up and tries to shoot our heroes with a shadow arrow. They manage to escape, but for how long?

Also, I managed to unlock Sonic the Hedgehog today. Snake soon?

Day 7: Playing What Again?

I load up Super Smash Bros. and go into 1P mode. I've only beaten the game with one of the default characters, so I decide to tackle the rest. I bring the remaining characters through the stages and face off with Master Hand. Not a huge fan of this game. And maybe it's because I played on easy, but it didn't even unlock any new characters. It's still just the default eight characters and Jigglypuff.

And that's it for week one. See you guys next week, with another Super Smash Bros. Brawl update for you to not read.