A GOD DAMN BLOG: Johns in Video Games

Abyssfull and I were having a conversation about names and John came up as the quintessential "man" name. You don't need much else to get your point across about your character if he's called John. John is a man's man. He likes to drink beers with the guys down at the pub and then leave with the prettiest girl at the end of the night. When his car breaks down, HE fixes it. He knows how to tie a tie and rock a suit but is never too "big" for a t-shirt and jeans. Sharks have a week dedicated to him. He speaks fluent French, in Russian. He never says anything tastes like chicken... not even chicken. He is the most interesting man in the... alright, so I got a LITTLE carried away there, but you get the picture. John is an awesome guy! And in tribute to such an awesome guy, I would like to recall some of the best, and worst (but in John standards, that's still pretty damn good!), Johns in video games!
 

1. John Marston

(SPOILER ALERT) Start this list out strong with the guy the majority of you were thinking of when you started reading this blog. If you've delved into Red Dead Redemption, I don't even need to explain to you why John Marston is such an embodiment of greatness. He is a man on a quest for redemption. He wants one thing and never takes his eyes off the mark. Now, admit it! You all cried when he was shot in cold blood! And don't you even try to deny that you groaned when you found out you had to play as his son, Jack Marston! His name is JACK! Jack is a boy, John... is a MAN.

2. Johnny Cage

Johnny Cage!!! This is the only man on planet Earth who can get away with putting a tattoo of his name on the front of his chest. This guy oozes cool. He's a Hollywood actor who actually does his own stunts and can actually kick some serious ass. He goes up against demons, humanoid reptiles, Tarkatan warriors, scantilly clad women, sorcerers, AND ninjas. He does all of this and does it with STYLE too! He's also the only man on the planet who can get away with punching another man in the balls. Hint: It's all in the name!

3. Master Chief

This guy's name is John?!?! No wonder so many people think he's the greatest video game character of all time! It was the name all along! I say we call him John from now on because when you say "John", Master Chief is implied.

4. John Hodge

This man is a disgrace to Johns everywhere.

5. Johnny Gat

This guy is violent. He's like a gun in human form. Next to that, his name is Johnny GAT. That's one hell of a coincidence! And when someone does something crazy, violent, and dangerous, they call it "pulling a Johnny". Every gun store owner knows Johnny by name, so if you ever need a tip on what gun is best to blow someone's head off, just ask Johnny!

6. John Madden

FOOTBALL!!!

7. President John Henry Eden

(SPOILER ALERT) Alright, so he's not who you expected. And he's also kind of a dick. But you can't deny that this John is a genius! He's the President of the United States of America for christ's sake! Alright, that's not the best way to start. I guess this John isn't really that great. It's also not hard to be a genius if you're a computer. He lied to a lot of people too... but damn it, this lying sack of RAM can give a great speech! U-S-A! U-S-A!

8. Johnny Sindacco

This guy was more of a hassle than anything...

9. John McCain

You may not agree with his politics, but the truth is, the man can dunk and sink 3s like no one's business!

10. Johnny Vincent

You knew there was going to be a Greaser on this list somewhere, didn't you? Well, this guy is a Greaser from head to toe! He may not stay cool like most Johns, so instead he completely loses it. Especially when you try something with his girl. He's your run of the mill Romeo except, instead of a stupid name like Romeo (along with talking skills and charm), his name is John. That pretty much makes up for all of his faults.

11. John Cena

Yeah, he's... ummm... Well, at least he stopped rapping!

12. Johnny Napalm

The cover boy for Guitar Hero, and back when the games were thought of as good too! He stayed with Guitar Hero through all of the good, and bad, years (even when they turned him into some sort of Wolverine/Demon hybrid) and I applaud him for that. The only thing I want to say is that I'm truly sad Guitar Hero had to take down a John with them.

13. Johnny Sasaki

What an embarrassment!

14. John F. Kennedy

JFK's on this list because of his memorable inclusion in Call of Duty: Black Ops' Zombies mode. If you could have chosen him as a character in Team Deathmatch or Capture the Flag, I probably would have owned the game for longer than I did. Moral of this story?  Call of Duty needs more Johns.

 
You know what else needs more Johns? The world.
14 Comments
15 Comments
Posted by MatPaget

Abyssfull and I were having a conversation about names and John came up as the quintessential "man" name. You don't need much else to get your point across about your character if he's called John. John is a man's man. He likes to drink beers with the guys down at the pub and then leave with the prettiest girl at the end of the night. When his car breaks down, HE fixes it. He knows how to tie a tie and rock a suit but is never too "big" for a t-shirt and jeans. Sharks have a week dedicated to him. He speaks fluent French, in Russian. He never says anything tastes like chicken... not even chicken. He is the most interesting man in the... alright, so I got a LITTLE carried away there, but you get the picture. John is an awesome guy! And in tribute to such an awesome guy, I would like to recall some of the best, and worst (but in John standards, that's still pretty damn good!), Johns in video games!
 

1. John Marston

(SPOILER ALERT) Start this list out strong with the guy the majority of you were thinking of when you started reading this blog. If you've delved into Red Dead Redemption, I don't even need to explain to you why John Marston is such an embodiment of greatness. He is a man on a quest for redemption. He wants one thing and never takes his eyes off the mark. Now, admit it! You all cried when he was shot in cold blood! And don't you even try to deny that you groaned when you found out you had to play as his son, Jack Marston! His name is JACK! Jack is a boy, John... is a MAN.

2. Johnny Cage

Johnny Cage!!! This is the only man on planet Earth who can get away with putting a tattoo of his name on the front of his chest. This guy oozes cool. He's a Hollywood actor who actually does his own stunts and can actually kick some serious ass. He goes up against demons, humanoid reptiles, Tarkatan warriors, scantilly clad women, sorcerers, AND ninjas. He does all of this and does it with STYLE too! He's also the only man on the planet who can get away with punching another man in the balls. Hint: It's all in the name!

3. Master Chief

This guy's name is John?!?! No wonder so many people think he's the greatest video game character of all time! It was the name all along! I say we call him John from now on because when you say "John", Master Chief is implied.

4. John Hodge

This man is a disgrace to Johns everywhere.

5. Johnny Gat

This guy is violent. He's like a gun in human form. Next to that, his name is Johnny GAT. That's one hell of a coincidence! And when someone does something crazy, violent, and dangerous, they call it "pulling a Johnny". Every gun store owner knows Johnny by name, so if you ever need a tip on what gun is best to blow someone's head off, just ask Johnny!

6. John Madden

FOOTBALL!!!

7. President John Henry Eden

(SPOILER ALERT) Alright, so he's not who you expected. And he's also kind of a dick. But you can't deny that this John is a genius! He's the President of the United States of America for christ's sake! Alright, that's not the best way to start. I guess this John isn't really that great. It's also not hard to be a genius if you're a computer. He lied to a lot of people too... but damn it, this lying sack of RAM can give a great speech! U-S-A! U-S-A!

8. Johnny Sindacco

This guy was more of a hassle than anything...

9. John McCain

You may not agree with his politics, but the truth is, the man can dunk and sink 3s like no one's business!

10. Johnny Vincent

You knew there was going to be a Greaser on this list somewhere, didn't you? Well, this guy is a Greaser from head to toe! He may not stay cool like most Johns, so instead he completely loses it. Especially when you try something with his girl. He's your run of the mill Romeo except, instead of a stupid name like Romeo (along with talking skills and charm), his name is John. That pretty much makes up for all of his faults.

11. John Cena

Yeah, he's... ummm... Well, at least he stopped rapping!

12. Johnny Napalm

The cover boy for Guitar Hero, and back when the games were thought of as good too! He stayed with Guitar Hero through all of the good, and bad, years (even when they turned him into some sort of Wolverine/Demon hybrid) and I applaud him for that. The only thing I want to say is that I'm truly sad Guitar Hero had to take down a John with them.

13. Johnny Sasaki

What an embarrassment!

14. John F. Kennedy

JFK's on this list because of his memorable inclusion in Call of Duty: Black Ops' Zombies mode. If you could have chosen him as a character in Team Deathmatch or Capture the Flag, I probably would have owned the game for longer than I did. Moral of this story?  Call of Duty needs more Johns.

 
You know what else needs more Johns? The world.
Posted by Kyreo

I thought you meant bathrooms in games.  That would have been way more interesting.

Posted by MatPaget
@Kyreo: Literally just made that joke on Twitter! Great minds think alike!
Posted by luce

Where the FUCK is Johnny Bravo?

Posted by MatPaget
@luce: I did consider him, but I cut him with Johnny Storm! 
Don't worry! I've got mad love for Johnny Bravo, and he's #1 on my list of "The Most Inspirational Johns of the last 100 years"
Posted by PillClinton

Johnny Sasaki gets a free pass, though. 

Edited by MrKlorox

Fuck the "no curse words in thread titles" rule and its God-of-Abraham connotations. If I want to purchase alcohol on Sunday, I may.
 
edit: Damn site bugs. I had a neat afterthought pertaining to Saint John and John Doe for Master Chief, but damn if it isn't lost into the ether now.

Posted by FancySoapsMan

John Marston was cool but he was also kind of an asshole.

Posted by MatPaget
@MrKlorox: Actually, I'm set to go! They said I could say God Damn and it was fine. =] 
 
@FancySoapsMan
I never understood why people thought he was an asshole? He was just doing what he needed to do for himself. In the Wild West, anything goes.
Posted by MatPaget
@100_Hertz: Because he's a John!
Posted by heatDrive88

Disappointed that this is neither about bathroom toilets, or male prostitutes. Or a combination of both.

Online
Edited by MrKlorox
@heatDrive88: John is what prostitutes call their patrons. John is the ultimate generic name in the English language. That's also why they call unidentified murder suspects "John Doe;" as opposed to "Jane Doe". Then again I'm not exactly hip on the pickin' up male prostitute slang, so you might be right, too.
Posted by heatDrive88
@MrKlorox@xatmos: Then I am sadly mistaken, and still disappointed nonetheless.
Online
Posted by scarletsnake

Where the hell is Big Boss? His name is John as well.

Posted by Sploder

Johnny Gat, greatest John.