By MatPaget 14 Comments
Abyssfull and I were having a conversation about names and John came up as the quintessential "man" name. You don't need much else to get your point across about your character if he's called John. John is a man's man. He likes to drink beers with the guys down at the pub and then leave with the prettiest girl at the end of the night. When his car breaks down, HE fixes it. He knows how to tie a tie and rock a suit but is never too "big" for a t-shirt and jeans. Sharks have a week dedicated to him. He speaks fluent French, in Russian. He never says anything tastes like chicken... not even chicken. He is the most interesting man in the... alright, so I got a LITTLE carried away there, but you get the picture. John is an awesome guy! And in tribute to such an awesome guy, I would like to recall some of the best, and worst (but in John standards, that's still pretty damn good!), Johns in video games!
| 1. John Marston |
(SPOILER ALERT) Start this list out strong with the guy the majority of you were thinking of when you started reading this blog. If you've delved into Red Dead Redemption, I don't even need to explain to you why John Marston is such an embodiment of greatness. He is a man on a quest for redemption. He wants one thing and never takes his eyes off the mark. Now, admit it! You all cried when he was shot in cold blood! And don't you even try to deny that you groaned when you found out you had to play as his son, Jack Marston! His name is JACK! Jack is a boy, John... is a MAN.
| 2. Johnny Cage |
Johnny Cage!!! This is the only man on planet Earth who can get away with putting a tattoo of his name on the front of his chest. This guy oozes cool. He's a Hollywood actor who actually does his own stunts and can actually kick some serious ass. He goes up against demons, humanoid reptiles, Tarkatan warriors, scantilly clad women, sorcerers, AND ninjas. He does all of this and does it with STYLE too! He's also the only man on the planet who can get away with punching another man in the balls. Hint: It's all in the name!
| 3. Master Chief |
This guy's name is John?!?! No wonder so many people think he's the greatest video game character of all time! It was the name all along! I say we call him John from now on because when you say "John", Master Chief is implied.
| 4. John Hodge |
This man is a disgrace to Johns everywhere.
| 5. Johnny Gat |
This guy is violent. He's like a gun in human form. Next to that, his name is Johnny GAT. That's one hell of a coincidence! And when someone does something crazy, violent, and dangerous, they call it "pulling a Johnny". Every gun store owner knows Johnny by name, so if you ever need a tip on what gun is best to blow someone's head off, just ask Johnny!
| 6. John Madden |
| 7. President John Henry Eden |
(SPOILER ALERT) Alright, so he's not who you expected. And he's also kind of a dick. But you can't deny that this John is a genius! He's the President of the United States of America for christ's sake! Alright, that's not the best way to start. I guess this John isn't really that great. It's also not hard to be a genius if you're a computer. He lied to a lot of people too... but damn it, this lying sack of RAM can give a great speech! U-S-A! U-S-A!
| 8. Johnny Sindacco |
This guy was more of a hassle than anything...
| 9. John McCain |
You may not agree with his politics, but the truth is, the man can dunk and sink 3s like no one's business!
| 10. Johnny Vincent |
You knew there was going to be a Greaser on this list somewhere, didn't you? Well, this guy is a Greaser from head to toe! He may not stay cool like most Johns, so instead he completely loses it. Especially when you try something with his girl. He's your run of the mill Romeo except, instead of a stupid name like Romeo (along with talking skills and charm), his name is John. That pretty much makes up for all of his faults.
| 11. John Cena |
Yeah, he's... ummm... Well, at least he stopped rapping!
| 12. Johnny Napalm |
The cover boy for Guitar Hero, and back when the games were thought of as good too! He stayed with Guitar Hero through all of the good, and bad, years (even when they turned him into some sort of Wolverine/Demon hybrid) and I applaud him for that. The only thing I want to say is that I'm truly sad Guitar Hero had to take down a John with them.
| 13. Johnny Sasaki |
What an embarrassment!
| 14. John F. Kennedy |
JFK's on this list because of his memorable inclusion in Call of Duty: Black Ops' Zombies mode. If you could have chosen him as a character in Team Deathmatch or Capture the Flag, I probably would have owned the game for longer than I did. Moral of this story? Call of Duty needs more Johns.
You know what else needs more Johns? The world.