Unconventional DRM

As part of Sweep's Blog Initiative I thought I would try something a little different. A blog in a style that I don't normally write. It's a parody in the style of a press release. I'm not used to this style of writing so it's probably going to be terrible. Feel free to tell me that. It's also very possibly libelous, so if you don't hear anything from me for a while, I've probably been arrested for slander or something.

SINGE-DANS-L'ABRE, FRANCE (September 17th 2011): Oobisoft Entertainment Ltd. today unveiled their latest Digital Rights Management initiative, following the huge success and fantastic public reception of their previous DRM systems. Their latest initiative promises to completely stop piracy and leave their products totally secure.

"We are thrilled to be announcing a brand new DRM initiative today that promises to deliver a number of benefits to both Oobisoft and gamers" said Sevy Tomelliug, CEO of Oobisoft as he took to the stage at Random Game Conference "It is a really simple solution to a much debated issue. All our future games will implement this system and will be purchasable either digitally from the Oobisoft website or from any of our retail partners including GameStop and Bestbuy. The purchaser then must travel to one of our many specially built gaming centres in order to play the game".

"For ultimate convenience we have three centres set up across the United States" Tomelliug continued "along with one in the Canada, one in the UK, two in the rest of Europe and one in Australia. We feel that this provides the ultimate convenience for all of our customers. The majority of our customers are within 5 hours travelling distance of a centre where they can play their game. It is suitable for gamers without an internet connection and even without the relevant console or a powerful enough PC."

"We understand it is a little different and some gamers who are more used to a conventional method may initially be against the change" Tomelliug said "but this method provides 100% protection against piracy and convenience for gamers. No more boxes full of games lying around your house. No more disks to misplace and get scratched. No more data to fill up your precious hard drive space. It is so much more convenient that it is a miracle that we are still only charging $60 for these games"

In order to play their games, gamers must follow these simple steps:

  • Purchase a license from Oobisoft.com or one of our retail partners.
  • Travel to their local, conveniently located Oobisoft Gaming Centre.
  • Fill in a simple 42 page form detailing all aspects of their lives.
  • Provide two types of photo identification, and two proofs of address.
  • Provide finger prints and DNA samples.

There then is a 14 day waiting period while their details are processed before customers can be admitted to the gaming centre and play their game. There is also a $30 processing fee for this to occur.

Gamers have already reacted favourably to this new DRM initiative. Interviewed outside the press conference, one video game fan said "I love it. Now I don't need to have my internet connection on all the time. I just turn up at the gaming centre, wait 14 days and I can play my game. Whoever at Oobisoft came up with this idea is a genius". When asked if he wouldn't rather have a traditional, DRM free boxed game or even a digital download he responded "No. I don't need that clutter in my house or on my hard drive. This is the perfect solution. Thanks Oobisoft!".

All of these systems are in place in order to prevent piracy and to provide the ultimate gaming experience for players. For the latest, up-to-date information on this and all of Oobisoft's products, please visit Oobisoft.com.

15 Comments
15 Comments
Edited by MattyFTM

As part of Sweep's Blog Initiative I thought I would try something a little different. A blog in a style that I don't normally write. It's a parody in the style of a press release. I'm not used to this style of writing so it's probably going to be terrible. Feel free to tell me that. It's also very possibly libelous, so if you don't hear anything from me for a while, I've probably been arrested for slander or something.

SINGE-DANS-L'ABRE, FRANCE (September 17th 2011): Oobisoft Entertainment Ltd. today unveiled their latest Digital Rights Management initiative, following the huge success and fantastic public reception of their previous DRM systems. Their latest initiative promises to completely stop piracy and leave their products totally secure.

"We are thrilled to be announcing a brand new DRM initiative today that promises to deliver a number of benefits to both Oobisoft and gamers" said Sevy Tomelliug, CEO of Oobisoft as he took to the stage at Random Game Conference "It is a really simple solution to a much debated issue. All our future games will implement this system and will be purchasable either digitally from the Oobisoft website or from any of our retail partners including GameStop and Bestbuy. The purchaser then must travel to one of our many specially built gaming centres in order to play the game".

"For ultimate convenience we have three centres set up across the United States" Tomelliug continued "along with one in the Canada, one in the UK, two in the rest of Europe and one in Australia. We feel that this provides the ultimate convenience for all of our customers. The majority of our customers are within 5 hours travelling distance of a centre where they can play their game. It is suitable for gamers without an internet connection and even without the relevant console or a powerful enough PC."

"We understand it is a little different and some gamers who are more used to a conventional method may initially be against the change" Tomelliug said "but this method provides 100% protection against piracy and convenience for gamers. No more boxes full of games lying around your house. No more disks to misplace and get scratched. No more data to fill up your precious hard drive space. It is so much more convenient that it is a miracle that we are still only charging $60 for these games"

In order to play their games, gamers must follow these simple steps:

  • Purchase a license from Oobisoft.com or one of our retail partners.
  • Travel to their local, conveniently located Oobisoft Gaming Centre.
  • Fill in a simple 42 page form detailing all aspects of their lives.
  • Provide two types of photo identification, and two proofs of address.
  • Provide finger prints and DNA samples.

There then is a 14 day waiting period while their details are processed before customers can be admitted to the gaming centre and play their game. There is also a $30 processing fee for this to occur.

Gamers have already reacted favourably to this new DRM initiative. Interviewed outside the press conference, one video game fan said "I love it. Now I don't need to have my internet connection on all the time. I just turn up at the gaming centre, wait 14 days and I can play my game. Whoever at Oobisoft came up with this idea is a genius". When asked if he wouldn't rather have a traditional, DRM free boxed game or even a digital download he responded "No. I don't need that clutter in my house or on my hard drive. This is the perfect solution. Thanks Oobisoft!".

All of these systems are in place in order to prevent piracy and to provide the ultimate gaming experience for players. For the latest, up-to-date information on this and all of Oobisoft's products, please visit Oobisoft.com.

Moderator
Posted by EuanDewar

Cutting.

Posted by IBurningStar

I think it is kind of sad that this is totally believable. Good job. Would read again. 10/10

Posted by Toms115

3/5 stars. not enough drm.

Posted by rmanthorp

It's sad but true. It's crazy that amidst all this Ubisoft stuff that TrackMania 2 handles DRM in such a fantastic way. More games should do that.

Good read Matty :D

Moderator
Posted by YoThatLimp

Matty is the Onion for gaming? I like it.

Posted by MattyFTM

@IBurningStar said:

I think it is kind of sad that this is totally believable.

You know, as I was writing it at first it seemed far too believable, so I kept adding more and more layers of absurdity, and it still ended up being no where near as absurd as I envisaged in my head.

Moderator
Posted by Little_Socrates

I enjoyed this. I generally just don't make PC purchases from Ubisoft at this point, but, of course, everything seems to be fine with TrackMania 2; @manthorp, what's the DRM system on that?

Posted by Enigma777

Man those cats at Oobisoft sound smart. I wonder if they're hiring...

Posted by tourgen

I want DRM bullet points in game reviews. How is this not happening already? It is important information.

All console games - attempt to play the game with the network off.

All PC games - list out any 3rd party DRM or anti-cheat the game uses and any pertinent details: limited activations, online activation, serial code required, DVD-in-drive required, etc.

Up at the top, right under the rating score.

Posted by ArbitraryWater

I bet someone, somewhere in the games industry is thinking of a less extreme version of what you're satirizing, and that thought frankly horrifies me. In any case, nice write-up.

Posted by Jay444111

@tourgen said:

I want DRM bullet points in game reviews. How is this not happening already? It is important information.

All console games - attempt to play the game with the network off.

All PC games - list out any 3rd party DRM or anti-cheat the game uses and any pertinent details: limited activations, online activation, serial code required, DVD-in-drive required, etc.

Up at the top, right under the rating score.

I fully agree with this post in all ways possible. I would love it if reviews could start doing stuff like this.

Posted by damnboyadvance

This is our great future of gaming.

Posted by gbrading

Terrible thing is, Ubisoft would totally do this if they ever thought they could get away with it. :(

Posted by onarum

Pshh, that is totally crackable , all you need is 

  • a fake license
  • steal a couple bills from a random house (and use it's address to register)
  • take a couple of pictures with a fake mustache
  • lie in the 42 page form
  • grab some random guy's fingerprints and then cast latex molds of them to wear on your thumbs
  • genetically engineer your own DNA so they can't trace you back after you've played
 
Or you could just brake in a gaming centre with a tank or something.
 
HAH nice try Oobisoft.