7 Stages of Denial of Suckage

Some people suck at video games, and know it.  Others suck at video games and are completely blind to the fact.  They might actually be geniuses at some genres or games, and just flat out suck at others.  It's these latter types, the ones that are used to being good at what they play, that most often go through the Stages of Denial of Suckage.  The following was inspired by watching my husband and a few of his friends play Blops this weekend.  Only one of the friends hasn't grown up with the rest of us...
You sit down to play some Black Ops for the first time in the last week.  Nothing seems to go your way though.  None of your shots land, and the enemy always has the jump on you.    



Stage 1 - Blame the other players

You're much better than this.  It can't possibly be your fault that your game is going so badly.  The other players simply MUST be cheating to be getting over on you this easily.

They must be cheating!  
I bet they all have aimbots.  

I think that guy just used a lag switch on me.
They're totally hacking.


Stage 2 - Blame the hardware/software


Okay, well it probably looks silly to say that ALL of the other players are cheating.  Although some of them surely are.  But it's probably the controller.  I bet that's what it is.  Or the batteries.  This controller always did pull to the right.  And did they nerf something in the game?

My batteries must be dying, my controller won't respond right.
I press the button to shoot and nothing happens!
They totally nerfed shotguns.  That guy shoulda died in one shot.
Ohh no, maybe they made flak jacket work against shotgun spray too.
Only noobs use that fucking weapon, those fucking noobs.

Stage 3 - Blame your connection


So you changed your controller, put in fresh batteries, but things still aren't going well.  Was that a little skip there?  That must be it!  It must be the connection!

I think I'm lagging.  I'm pretty sure I'm lagging.  I must be lagging.
Is someone downloading something?
Someone make sure the cable tv is working okay.
Someone call the cable company and ask what's going on!
Maybe I need a new wireless card/adapter/ethernet cable.

Stage 4 - Go harsh on your controller


At this point you're so frustrated that you're totally harshing on your controller and don't even realize it.  We can hear you clicking that thumbstick from across the room, and we're surprised the triggers aren't stuck in a depressed position.  Your friends, if any, instantly realize that you were one of those children who threw the controller as a kid.



Stage 5 - Swear.  A lot.


Bullshit of this magnitude calls for lots of swearing, even if you don't normally swear.  After all, none of this is your fault, and it is completely unfair that it's happening to you.

What a shit load of fuck!
Cowa-fucking-piece-of-dog-shit! This game is diarrhea coming out of my dick! This game is as appealing as a fucking ooze infested dirty fucking sewer rat shit! I had more fun playing with dog turds!

It fuckin' sucks, it suckin' fucks, it fuckin' blows, it's a piece of shit, and I don't like it!

 

Stage 6 - Yell AND Swear AND bust your controller.


Because surely, if one of these didn't work alone, they will work better altogether as one. 


   
  

Stage 7 - Give up.


Fuck it.  Maybe tomorrow you'll come back and pwn face.




*** Note that some of this may have been exaggerated.  But most of this is based on real events.  Names have been withheld to protect the privacy of those in denial.
29 Comments
30 Comments
Posted by melcene

Some people suck at video games, and know it.  Others suck at video games and are completely blind to the fact.  They might actually be geniuses at some genres or games, and just flat out suck at others.  It's these latter types, the ones that are used to being good at what they play, that most often go through the Stages of Denial of Suckage.  The following was inspired by watching my husband and a few of his friends play Blops this weekend.  Only one of the friends hasn't grown up with the rest of us...
You sit down to play some Black Ops for the first time in the last week.  Nothing seems to go your way though.  None of your shots land, and the enemy always has the jump on you.    



Stage 1 - Blame the other players

You're much better than this.  It can't possibly be your fault that your game is going so badly.  The other players simply MUST be cheating to be getting over on you this easily.

They must be cheating!  
I bet they all have aimbots.  

I think that guy just used a lag switch on me.
They're totally hacking.


Stage 2 - Blame the hardware/software


Okay, well it probably looks silly to say that ALL of the other players are cheating.  Although some of them surely are.  But it's probably the controller.  I bet that's what it is.  Or the batteries.  This controller always did pull to the right.  And did they nerf something in the game?

My batteries must be dying, my controller won't respond right.
I press the button to shoot and nothing happens!
They totally nerfed shotguns.  That guy shoulda died in one shot.
Ohh no, maybe they made flak jacket work against shotgun spray too.
Only noobs use that fucking weapon, those fucking noobs.

Stage 3 - Blame your connection


So you changed your controller, put in fresh batteries, but things still aren't going well.  Was that a little skip there?  That must be it!  It must be the connection!

I think I'm lagging.  I'm pretty sure I'm lagging.  I must be lagging.
Is someone downloading something?
Someone make sure the cable tv is working okay.
Someone call the cable company and ask what's going on!
Maybe I need a new wireless card/adapter/ethernet cable.

Stage 4 - Go harsh on your controller


At this point you're so frustrated that you're totally harshing on your controller and don't even realize it.  We can hear you clicking that thumbstick from across the room, and we're surprised the triggers aren't stuck in a depressed position.  Your friends, if any, instantly realize that you were one of those children who threw the controller as a kid.



Stage 5 - Swear.  A lot.


Bullshit of this magnitude calls for lots of swearing, even if you don't normally swear.  After all, none of this is your fault, and it is completely unfair that it's happening to you.

What a shit load of fuck!
Cowa-fucking-piece-of-dog-shit! This game is diarrhea coming out of my dick! This game is as appealing as a fucking ooze infested dirty fucking sewer rat shit! I had more fun playing with dog turds!

It fuckin' sucks, it suckin' fucks, it fuckin' blows, it's a piece of shit, and I don't like it!

 

Stage 6 - Yell AND Swear AND bust your controller.


Because surely, if one of these didn't work alone, they will work better altogether as one. 


   
  

Stage 7 - Give up.


Fuck it.  Maybe tomorrow you'll come back and pwn face.




*** Note that some of this may have been exaggerated.  But most of this is based on real events.  Names have been withheld to protect the privacy of those in denial.
Posted by ReyGitano

Fantastic blog, but I would have to imagine that in most cases, swearing comes well before assaulting your controller.

Posted by Azteck

There's a different method, it's pretty out there but it's pretty effective in most cases. It's called standing up and walking away.

Posted by yoshimitz707

#5 isn't really a stage for me. If I'm doing bad I will be constantly swearing.

Posted by EuanDewar

I tend to skip 1,2 and 3 and just swear uncontrollably, although never on mic. Nobody needs that.

Edited by X19

I blame the game for having PvP instead of dedicated servers... even though I don't know the difference.

Posted by abdo

I still can't believe how people can go so far as to break their controllers, all because of a game. I might curse lightly, or at most slam my fist on a table or something, but it's unhealthy to take games way too seriously. They're called GAMES, they're supposed to be fun. 

Posted by KaosAngel

This is how I feel when I play every KIngdom Hearts...those games are so fucking bad, and so fucking broken, and so fucking shitty...but I still fucking play them.

All of those things I can relate to with Kingdom Hearts, aside from the network stuff...I just blame the PS2 because the PS2 sucks.

I never beat BBS:FM, and I don't plan to.

Posted by Video_Game_King
@KaosAngel:

Then why are you so hyped for Versus XIII? And why do you own KH2FM+?
Posted by habster3
@yoshimitz707 said:
"#5 isn't really a stage for me. If I'm doing bad I will be constantly swearing. "
Same here.
Edited by Garfield518

 Well, in the case of Black Ops, it usually is the connection, because Black Ops has terrible hit detection, even when hosting.

So with a non-full connection bar combined with bad hit detection, some people will start to rage.

Edited by Wrighteous86

I'm a pretty good gamer and I'm a smart dude, but I am completely helpless when it comes to whatever part of your brain you need to use to solve sliding puzzles or rubik's cubes. I can play through all of Professor Layton, Onimusha, or Silent Hill without breaking a sweat, but the second a simple sliding puzzle appears in those games, I'm stuck for hours. My roommate isn't the smartest guy in the world, but I'll often have him come in and finish up the puzzle in about 30 seconds rather than spend 30 minutes screaming in frustration.

Posted by crusader8463
Posted by Ursus_Veritas

I don't know if it's because I'm british and self-deprecation is just what we do for shits and giggles, but I will always blame myself for being crap or not up to scratch before I blame the connection/controller/other players.


I will admit that I do the swearing a lot though, even when I'm doing well!
Posted by Yummylee

Is #5 like a paraphrased quote from an AVGN episode? ;P

Posted by melcene
@Abyssfull said:
" Is #5 like a paraphrased quote from an AVGN episode? ;P "
It was stolen from the movie (I didn't even realize there was a movie) because I can't remember word for word everything that was said and just needed something to fill in.  It sounded good :)
Posted by imsh_pl

There's also the "OMG Sentinel is op" and "Dude you can't beat toss the colossi are fucking death stars on legs" arguments.

Posted by KaosAngel
@Video_Game_King: The same reason millions keep buying COD and hating it every time.  -_-

Addiction.
Posted by KaosAngel

You know what game I really fucking hate playing online, Uno.

I never fucking win online.  I always fucking hated that cheating ass game on XBL...fucking cheaters.  First time I ever raged on a game...because of fucking Uno!

Edited by 234r2we232

I've been trying to beat the Extreme Challenge Rooms in Arkham Asylum.

I think I've experienced at least 4 of these D:
Posted by Enigma777

I usually just skip right up to #3.

Posted by MikkaQ
@rebgav said:
" Then there's those who aren't in denial, they know they suck;

Stage 1: I suck at this game.
Stage 2: I think I'm getting the hang of it, I just need to get more practice.
Stage 3: These other players are too good, I need to find the beginners lobby.
Stage 4: I just... how did... what the... oh for fuck's sake.
Stage 5: Fuck this game. Fuck it up its stupid ass. 
"
This is me for probably every fighting game I've tried to play online. I get to stage 2 by playing against my friends who don't own the game, then I go online and get whupped by everyone young and old. 
Posted by QuistisTrepe

In my case it's whining that I'm a grown up and I have to work for a living and I don't have all day to refine my pwnage skills, etc., when I know full well in point of fact that I do indeed suck.

Posted by QuistisTrepe
@KaosAngel said:
" You know what game I really fucking hate playing online, Uno.

I never fucking win online.  I always fucking hated that cheating ass game on XBL...fucking cheaters.  First time I ever raged on a game...because of fucking Uno! "
Not Halo, not CoD Black Ops, but Uno, Curious and curiouser.
Posted by Yanngc33

I've experienced all of these :/

Posted by melcene
@Garfield518 said:
"  Well, in the case of Black Ops, it usually is the connection, because Black Ops has terrible hit detection, even when hosting.So with a non-full connection bar combined with bad hit detection, some people will start to rage. "
I understand that there's nearly always lag.  But when if two people are using the same connection, even sitting in the same room, and one experiences "lag" and not the other, it's a little suspect.  :P
Posted by radar5

hilarious and accurate list!

Posted by VanderSEXXX

I admit i am guilty of #3 but thats because net service in my country is really horrible and thats really fact. #1 only happens when playing online shooters especially team based when the teams are noticably stacked (ehem ehem COD and BF:BC2) lol. #7 sometimes happens when its really not my day. :p

Posted by TheHT

To be fair, sometimes lag really is a problem...

...shut up, it's true. :P