By melcene 29 Comments
Some people suck at video games, and know it. Others suck at video games and are completely blind to the fact. They might actually be geniuses at some genres or games, and just flat out suck at others. It's these latter types, the ones that are used to being good at what they play, that most often go through the Stages of Denial of Suckage. The following was inspired by watching my husband and a few of his friends play Blops this weekend. Only one of the friends hasn't grown up with the rest of us...
You sit down to play some Black Ops for the first time in the last week. Nothing seems to go your way though. None of your shots land, and the enemy always has the jump on you.
Stage 1 - Blame the other players
I think that guy just used a lag switch on me.
They're totally hacking.
Stage 2 - Blame the hardware/software
Okay, well it probably looks silly to say that ALL of the other players are cheating. Although some of them surely are. But it's probably the controller. I bet that's what it is. Or the batteries. This controller always did pull to the right. And did they nerf something in the game?
My batteries must be dying, my controller won't respond right.
I press the button to shoot and nothing happens!
Stage 3 - Blame your connection
So you changed your controller, put in fresh batteries, but things still aren't going well. Was that a little skip there? That must be it! It must be the connection!
I think I'm lagging. I'm pretty sure I'm lagging. I must be lagging.
Is someone downloading something?
Someone make sure the cable tv is working okay.
Someone call the cable company and ask what's going on!
Maybe I need a new wireless card/adapter/ethernet cable.
Stage 4 - Go harsh on your controller
At this point you're so frustrated that you're totally harshing on your controller and don't even realize it. We can hear you clicking that thumbstick from across the room, and we're surprised the triggers aren't stuck in a depressed position. Your friends, if any, instantly realize that you were one of those children who threw the controller as a kid.
Stage 5 - Swear. A lot.
Bullshit of this magnitude calls for lots of swearing, even if you don't normally swear. After all, none of this is your fault, and it is completely unfair that it's happening to you.
What a shit load of fuck!
Cowa-fucking-piece-of-dog-shit! This game is diarrhea coming out of my dick! This game is as appealing as a fucking ooze infested dirty fucking sewer rat shit! I had more fun playing with dog turds!
It fuckin' sucks, it suckin' fucks, it fuckin' blows, it's a piece of shit, and I don't like it!
Stage 6 - Yell AND Swear AND bust your controller.
Because surely, if one of these didn't work alone, they will work better altogether as one.
Stage 7 - Give up.
Fuck it. Maybe tomorrow you'll come back and pwn face.
*** Note that some of this may have been exaggerated. But most of this is based on real events. Names have been withheld to protect the privacy of those in denial.