May the Eleventh

The game: ACE Team's Rock of Ages

The source: User @teflonbilly (thanks!)

The pre-amble: Rock of Ages is a comedic action/strategy tower defense game in which two players compete to be the first to roll enough giant boulders with bemused expressions past the other player's defenses. The game is depicted as a series of contests between tortured Greek mythological figure Sisyphus and various warlike figures throughout history. I wish I could say that this is the weirdest game that Chilean developers ACE Team has made, but they also happen to be behind the Zeno Clash games.

The playthrough: OK, so Chrome crashed for the very first time ever and ate this entire blog. Can't say I'm super enthused to write all this out again. In fact, I dare say I'm as enthused to talk about my considerable distaste for the tower defense sub-genre of real-time strategy as Google is enthused to actually grant its browser some manner of data back-up in the case of catastrophic dysfunction. Perhaps needless to say after that last sentence, but all the amusing presentation and semi-historical references and silly boulder expressions can't exonerate Rock of Ages for its central tower defense core, a pervasive sub-genre I've frequently decried against profusely before now and am choosing to save you all from a second tirade on the topic. That you're controlling legendary put-upon figure Sisyphus as he repeats his strenuous actions for no appreciable reason beyond the amusement of the Gods isn't lost on me after this crash. Did I mention how much I don't approve of Google Chrome patiently waiting until this blog was complete before crapping its own proverbial bed? Because I'm happy to reiterate the tale many times as I vainly try to recall any of the multitude of witticisms I had previously leveled towards this otherwise blameless game.

I don't like Rock of Ages. It's a shame because it was a kind gift, but I'd be happy if I never had to launch an enormous boulder with the momentum and steering of a shopping cart filled with pumpkins down a sharp incline filled with gaps that could safely be hopped over had any of my desperate applications of the button assigned to that particular maneuver were ever acknowledged. Nor am I terribly eager to endlessly redistribute siege towers and catapults, the actual utility of which I have no earthly way of comprehending as the computer always seems to have comparatively untroubled jaunts regardless of what I place and where. I could stick around and watch it defeat me in real-time in order to glean its route, but that would be self-defeating in a quite literal sense.

Anyway, despite all my grousing about this game, much of it a repeat from a more innocent time when I didn't know the browser I was using could throw up in its own mouth without any explanation, it's not something which I'll summarily abandon. It does seem like the multiplayer, which at least involves another human opponent struggling with the same issues, could be a laugh and a half. Should I ever find myself inebriated and in need of some competitive insanity, the game will be patiently waiting for me in my Steam library. It's not like a libation or sixteen is going to impair my ability to steer that damned rock any further than is currently the case.

The verdict: Nooooope.