Mento's Alternative to E3: Day 03

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00 01 02
 

Mento

said (in the comments of the day 02 blog):

Oh, I can be very stubborn.  Tomorrow's attempt to distance myself from E3 2011 as far as possible: A list of consoles with awesome names. 

Let it never be said that I won't deign to take my sarcastic replies and turn them into real blogs. Real stupid blogs.
 
Super Nintendo - It's like your Nintendo, but SUPERfied. More buttons, more colours (two whole shades of purple if you're American!), more bits! Remember when people cared about bits? Well, this thing has a lot of bits! It does what Nintendon't, but Super Nintendoes! Righteous!
 
Mega Drive - Hell yeah! We're going to mega drive this shit right into the ocean with sheer awesome! Plus, all your favorites like Shining in the Dark, Shining Force, The Shining: The Game of the Movie, Shines of Rage and Shiny the Shinehog! Best of all, compared to NES or SMS all the graphics are super shiny! Blast Processing! SEGA!
 
Intellivision - You want a TV that will use its considerable intellect to grow resentful of the meatbags that abuse it so and plot to murder your family in your sleep? Intellivision, duder! You want to see rectangles fight some squares in deep space, or play a sport where a bunch of Lego fight over a box made of smaller boxes, or even make Ryan wince in a Pavlovian response to the very sound of your console's name? INTELLIVISION!
 
Magnavox Odyssey - You wanna take an odyssey to the groovy universe of barely playable silent Pong variants? MAGNAVOX that shit! STRAP IT ON!
 
Commodore 64 - Are you ready for something more gnarly than a Captain 32, but less mind-exploding than a Rear Admiral 256?! The Commodore will see you now! Games on magnetic tape that take ten minutes to load are the way of the future, dudes! Gag me with a spoon! 
 
Game Boy - You want to fiddle around with a boy that's game? Then Nintendo has the console for you! And also the phone number for the police! Bogus! Megan's Law!
 
Turbografx-16 - Oh fuuuuuck this shit just went TURBO! How tubular is that? Radical! "Graphics"? Snooze city! Too many letters! GRAFX is where it's at! HUDSONSOFT!
 
Sega Saturn - Named after a motherfucking planet! A planet with rings! You know who else loves rings? 360 owners! I mean, Shiny the Shinehog! See him save a bunch of birds in his most excellent adventure yet! Hope you like $300 Fighter games from Japan! Released in secret before anyone had a chance to promote it, because it was too awesome to contain! It eventually killed Sega as a console developer! SEGA! 
 
PlayStation - Play in a station! Get hit by a locomotive! Totally bodacious!
 
Xbox - DAT HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLO!
 

Man, I don't even know any more. I'm going to lie down.
3 Comments
4 Comments
Posted by Mento

Jump to other E3 Blogs:
00 01 02
 

Mento

said (in the comments of the day 02 blog):

Oh, I can be very stubborn.  Tomorrow's attempt to distance myself from E3 2011 as far as possible: A list of consoles with awesome names. 

Let it never be said that I won't deign to take my sarcastic replies and turn them into real blogs. Real stupid blogs.
 
Super Nintendo - It's like your Nintendo, but SUPERfied. More buttons, more colours (two whole shades of purple if you're American!), more bits! Remember when people cared about bits? Well, this thing has a lot of bits! It does what Nintendon't, but Super Nintendoes! Righteous!
 
Mega Drive - Hell yeah! We're going to mega drive this shit right into the ocean with sheer awesome! Plus, all your favorites like Shining in the Dark, Shining Force, The Shining: The Game of the Movie, Shines of Rage and Shiny the Shinehog! Best of all, compared to NES or SMS all the graphics are super shiny! Blast Processing! SEGA!
 
Intellivision - You want a TV that will use its considerable intellect to grow resentful of the meatbags that abuse it so and plot to murder your family in your sleep? Intellivision, duder! You want to see rectangles fight some squares in deep space, or play a sport where a bunch of Lego fight over a box made of smaller boxes, or even make Ryan wince in a Pavlovian response to the very sound of your console's name? INTELLIVISION!
 
Magnavox Odyssey - You wanna take an odyssey to the groovy universe of barely playable silent Pong variants? MAGNAVOX that shit! STRAP IT ON!
 
Commodore 64 - Are you ready for something more gnarly than a Captain 32, but less mind-exploding than a Rear Admiral 256?! The Commodore will see you now! Games on magnetic tape that take ten minutes to load are the way of the future, dudes! Gag me with a spoon! 
 
Game Boy - You want to fiddle around with a boy that's game? Then Nintendo has the console for you! And also the phone number for the police! Bogus! Megan's Law!
 
Turbografx-16 - Oh fuuuuuck this shit just went TURBO! How tubular is that? Radical! "Graphics"? Snooze city! Too many letters! GRAFX is where it's at! HUDSONSOFT!
 
Sega Saturn - Named after a motherfucking planet! A planet with rings! You know who else loves rings? 360 owners! I mean, Shiny the Shinehog! See him save a bunch of birds in his most excellent adventure yet! Hope you like $300 Fighter games from Japan! Released in secret before anyone had a chance to promote it, because it was too awesome to contain! It eventually killed Sega as a console developer! SEGA! 
 
PlayStation - Play in a station! Get hit by a locomotive! Totally bodacious!
 
Xbox - DAT HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLO!
 

Man, I don't even know any more. I'm going to lie down.
Moderator
Posted by Video_Game_King

Huh? Most of those names suck. Hell, most video game console names suck. Playstation sounds exactly like the fake name that bad TV shows make up when they make fictional video games ("Oh, you got the new Kill Blaster 9 for the Playstation? FUCKING AWESOME, BRO!"), and Super Nintendo Entertainment System has to be the most stereotypically-named console ever. Why not just throw "super happy fun time" at the end? Genesis and Saturn are cool, though, as is Odyssey, upon reflection.

Posted by Mento
@Video_Game_King: Well, with this blog I attempted to provide thoughtful, in-depth observations about why those names worked back then and now to a lesser extent, and how they were able to accurately reflect prevailing attitudes of the time of their creation, but your opinion is absolutely valid from the perspective of what we now expect of our entertainment media today.
 
You have to admit they're better than "PlayStation 100% All-Natural Health Yogurt" and "Nintendo Theremin Noise."
Moderator
Posted by bonbolapti

It's kind of funny how the whole Nintendo, Super Nintendo, Nintendo 64 naming convention is there and then the one system where they actually change it up is the Gamecube. (which friends and I nicknamed Lunchbox, I could debate it being a cooler name I dunno.) but now we're going back to that same kind of "hey this works" naming convention with the Wii and Wii U, and how ever many DS names there have been. 
 
You kind of have to either give sony props or be bored by the fact that They flat out call their system the Playstation. It makes it at least literally sound like a gaming system, but the direction they seem to be heading with their console, the next one ought to be called "MediaStation". Turbografx-16 was cool at the time, because it came out when everything was 8bit so they wanted you to know that in such a cool way (right?) The commodore 64, could have easily just been the Commodore but I guess they really wanted to point out how much memory the thing could hold.
 
I like how Atari named their consoles after animals. Things like Intellivision and Odyssey just really sound like they're part of that 70s era, I mean like they were only given those names because they sounded so groovy or something.
 
For some of these, why they came up with the names seems kind of neat, You can't really say that these names suck, becuase they're Game consoles, so they need to come off that way! Sure some may be trying to impress you, but others I'm sure are just trying to invoke what their system is all about.
 
...I hope I'm adding to this conversations fun a little, but I feel like I'm trying to give a history lesson.