Crouching Heroine, Hidden Princess

That's a pretty fruity title, I'll admit. Essentially, these are female deuteragonists who pretend not to be princesses (or simply don't realise their lineage) and it's always a big shock to absolutely no-one when the truth is revealed. It's a trope I've seen at least three times this year alone, which might be an indication that I should stop playing games with princesses in them.

Next week in butch Mento lists: Top Ten Most Adorable Unicorns.

(Also I guess there's SPOILERS. But they're really not. Also, between making this list and whatever year you the reader is in right now (2015? Maybe?), some bright spark decided Tetra and Sheik were alter-egos of Zelda and didn't deserve separate pages, so I've had to do some creative editing.)

List items

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  1. Ninja

  Perhaps the most obvious example, Sheik is a musical ninja from the future. He's also Zelda in not particularly subtle drag, though the game lets Link gaze longingly into her eyes a few times before revealing the duplicity. If I've learned anything from seeing Ocarina of Time and FF7 top every GameFAQs poll ever, it's that a little homoerotic subtext can go a long way towards endearing a game to a generation.

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  2. Pirate

  Because ninjas have been done, the heroine of Wind Waker is a pirate instead, defying all internet memes in the process. She's also Zelda again, but to her credit there's no deception here: She genuinely had no idea she was the last scion of a kingdom that's been under the sea for centuries. I mean, why would she? Fortunately for her, her freedom as a pirate queen is taken away, she's given an uncomfortable ballgown and is then trapped in a basement until the end of the game. Yay?

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  3. Marle

  Princess Nadia manages to stay anonymous for about an hour before Lucca reveals who she really is, which is just adding insult to injury after already McFlying her 400 years backwards in time. Once they see her uncanny resemblance to the former queen, the jig is up. That's right, she's actually Barle Regal.

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  4. Silk Fox

  But we haven't had enough ninjas and pirates yet, so here's an example of the former: Jade Empire's enigmatic Silk Fox. Who could this mysterious lady be? The missing princess we keep hearing about? Noooope.<br>

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  Noooooooooope.

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  5. Faris Scherwiz

  And here's another pirate, albeit an amnesiac one dressed as a guy. I wonder if every little girl deviates between wanting to be a princess, a pirate or a ninja when they grow up? Except pondering that sort of thing is probably what people get added to registers for.

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  6. Ashe

  Here's the fun thing about Ashe's brief tenure as "Amalia": It fools literally no-one but Vaan. Princess Ashelia B'nargin Dalmasca, which is her given name, a sneeze and her kingdom respectively, is ostensibly incognito to avoid getting the chop by the invading Archadian army. But the game doesn't take great measures to pretend it isn't her, especially since we just saw her wearing a crown in the intro cutscenes.

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  7. Aya

  This one might be a little bit of a spoiler, I guess, since there's nothing about the daredevil huntress Aya that suggests she's of royal blood. After freeing main character Capell from prison and fighting off his advances for half the game, she mellows considerably (but fortunately not enough to ruin the character) once the Liberation Force returns home to her desert kingdom and some bad shit goes down. She's one of the few princesses on this list able to pull her weight in combat more than the hero.

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  8. Calista

  "Lisa" bumps into Zael early on in The Last Story, during a large fireworks display. While doing her best Princess Jasmine impression by having no idea that you have to pay for things in a market, she's escorted around by Zael, runs from guards and shares a moment watching the shooting stars on a secluded terrace. Gee, I wonder if this game has a romantic subplot.

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  9. Estellise Sidos Heurassein

  Another one who acts too much like a princess to fool anyone, least of all the wily Yuri. Karol didn't realise, but then Karol's an idiot. Life as the Empire's heiress isn't peaches and cream though, which is why she wants to take the time to explore the world and show off facts from her expensive education every five minutes. She's probably familiar to anyone who's been to a college mixer.

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  10. Melia

  Melia is the heiress to her Empire too, something gleaned moments after the party meets her passed on a lawn (evoking even more college mixer memories for some of you, no doubt). Though when the player sees her for the first time, she's a girl in regal clothing being escorted by a cadre of knights who refer to her as "Lady Melia", so it's really not a stretch to imagine she's someone important.