A few buddies and I went to see a fan screening of The Lord of The Rings trilogy recently at a university theatre. We devised this list as a way of making the the experience more fun:

1. Stand up halfway through the movie and yell loudly, "Wait... where the hell is Harry Potter?"

2. Block the entrance to the theater while screaming: "YOU SHALL NOT PASS!" - After the movie, say "Lucas could have done it better."

3. At some point during the movie, stand up and shout: "I must go! Middle Earth needs me!" and run and try to jump into the screen. After bouncing off, return quietly to your seat.

4. Play a drinking game where you have to take a sip every time someone says: "The Ring."

5. Point and laugh whenever someone dies.

6. Ask the nearest ring-nut if he thinks Gandalf went to Hogwarts

7. Finish off every one of Elrond's lines with "Mr. Anderson."

8. When Aragorn is crowned king, stand up and at the top of your lungs sing, "And I did it.... MY way...!"

9. At the end, complain that Gollum was offensive to Ethiopians

10. Talk like Gollum all through the movie. At the end, bite off someone's finger and fall down the stairs.

11. When Shelob appears, pinch the guy in front of you on the back of the neck.

12. Dress up as old ladies and reenact "The Battle of Helms Deep" Monty Python style.

13. When Denethor lights the fire, shout "Barbecue!"

14. Ask people around you who they think is the next "Terminator" sent from the Middle Earth of the future to assassinate Frodo Baggins.

15. In The Two Towers when the Ents decide to march to war, stand up and shout "RUN FOREST, RUN!"

16. Every time someone kills an Orc, yell: "That's what I'm Tolkien about!" See how long it takes before you get kicked out of the theatre.

17. During a wide shot of a battle, inquire, "Where's Waldo?"

18. Talk loudly about how you heard that there is a single frame of a nu de Elf hidden somewhere in the movie.

19. Start an Orc sing-a-long.

20. Come to the premiere dressed as Frankenfurter and wander around looking terribly confused.

J.K. Rowling is a dirty, dirty woman who is making a fool of us all.

Purely in the interests of science, I have replaced the word "wand" with "wang" in excerpts taken from the first Harry Potter Book: Harry Potter and The Philosopher's Stone. Let's see the results...

Excerpt 1.
"Why aren't you supposed to do magic?" asked Harry.
"Oh, well -- I was at Hogwarts myself but I -- er -- got expelled, ter tell yeh the truth. In me third year. They snapped me wang in half an' everything.
A magic wang... this was what Harry had been really looking forward to.

Excerpt 2.
"Yes, yes. I thought I'd be seeing you soon. Harry Potter." It wasn't a question.
"You have your mother's eyes. It seems only yesterday she was in here herself, buying her first wang. Ten and a quarter inches long, swishy, made of willow. Nice wang for charm work."
"Your father, on the other hand, favored a mahogany wang. Eleven inches. "
Harry took the wang. He felt a sudden warmth in his fingers. He raised the wang above his head, brought it swishing down through the dusty air and a stream of red and gold sparks shot from the end like a firework, throwing dancing spots of light on to the walls.

Excerpt 3.
"Oh, move over," Hermione snarled. She grabbed Harry's wang, tapped the lock, and whispered, "Alohomora!"

Excerpt 4.
The troll couldn't feel Harry hanging there, but even a troll will notice if you stick a long bit of wood up its nose, and Harry's wang had still been in his hand when he'd jumped - it had gone straight up one of the troll's nostrils.
He bent down and pulled his wang out of the troll's nose. It was covered in what looked like lumpy gray glue.

Excerpt 5.
He ran onto the field as you fell, waved his wang, and you sort of slowed down before you hit the ground. Then he whirled his wang at the dementors. Shot silver stuff at them.

Excerpt 6.
"Yes," Harry said, gripping his wang very tightly, and moving into the middle of the deserted classroom. He tried to keep his mind on flying, but something else kept intruding.... Any second now, he might hear his mother again... but he shouldn't think that, or he would hear her again, and he didn't want to... or did he?

Excerpt 7.
Something silver-white, something enormous, erupted from the end of his wang. Then, with a sigh, he raised his wang and prodded the silvery substance with its tip.
"Get - off ' me!" Harry gasped. For a few seconds they struggled, Harry pulling at his uncleâ??s sausage-like fingers with his left hand, his right maintaining a firm grip on his raised wang.

Ok. Now I'm a great fan of the Harry Potter series, and Mrs. Rowling is a brilliant author. But one cannot ignore the notion, with definitive proof, that J.K Rowling is a dirty, dirty woman who is making a fool of us all.