Video game news coverage works very much like other types of news, in that lots of things are reported on and most of it is pretty banal. I’ve taken the initiative and consolidated an entire week of news into one easily digestible roundup of the things that actually matter. I’ve also filtered out all of the advertising and promotion masquerading as news, which is why this isn’t a particularly long list.

07/10 - GTA V overtakes GTA IV in the UK

Just like you, the player, did for large parts of the game itself, Grand Theft Auto V (Five) has spent the last few minutes arbitrarily tailing its quarry with mind to inevitably overtake it and beat it to death with an unceremonious curb stomp.

Yes that’s right, in the Great Britain GTA V (Five) has outsold GTA IV in only THREE WEEKS. While it isn’t really news it is certainly impressive, and likely foreshadows a glut of similar stories covering the game’s laudable ability to infiltrate homes situated in slightly larger countries. Only time will tell.

07/10 - Kinect Sports Rivals has a long tail - reportedly visible from space

A man by the name of Eddie recounted a tale of another type of tail on the video game website Gamespot. Largely repeating the content of an interview conducted by someone else, Eddie shared the second-hand news that the company masquerading as Rare considers Kienct Sports Rivals to be a long term ‘player’.

“It will be sort of like Mario Kart” said a company representative, later admitting that the game itself won’t actually feature kart racing or indeed Mario in any way. However, considering proper Rare were in cahoots with Nintendo all those years ago, there is still ample time for backs to be mutually scratched and a Mario appearance-deal thrashed out.

08/10 - New video game doesn’t want you to forget it exists for even a second

Upcoming video game The Division will come packaged with a ‘second-screen’ that will allow players who aren’t playing the game to still play it. As preposterous as that statement may sound it is entirely based upon well-documented (computer) science.

The crux of the offering is the admission that The Division is a ‘proper’ game and so must be played within the confines of one’s dwelling. However, thanks to the Multiplayer Engagement: Second-Screen Enabled Tactics mode - dubbed MEAT SCENT - owners of the game can remain on the battlefield even when they are forced to leave the safety and comfort of the indoors.

Well, the player will actually be enjoying the game from a “simultaneous and asymmetric” perch above the battlefield, as they inhabit the cold, dead stare of an unmanned drone and its pre-pubescent operator back in ‘Merica. Unsurprisingly, no other details have thus far been released about the mode, though it’s pretty safe to assume what will eventually be available to players will be groundbreaking and in no way superfluous to the rest of the game.

10/10 - Saints Row IV DLC scheduled - doesn’t really make sense

A long time ago Saints Row: The Third was released. A slightly less long time ago a piece of downloadable content (DLC) called Enter the Dominatrix was announced for that game and then cancelled. In that piece of DLC players would have been trapped in a virtual world and forced to fight for their lives and sanity against foes hell-bent on their destruction. The content would have upped the ante considerably when compared to the game proper, and allowed players a superhero-like suite of abilities. Sighs were let out worldwide when the expansion was shelved.

That dream now lives on with the announcement and release of Saints Row IV. The game came out in August and fulfilled all of these once-broken promises.

But what about the EtD content that was already in development for the third entry in the series, wasn’t that simply rolled into the decidedly recycle-happy sequel? Clearly not, as publisher Deep Silver announced this week the release of EtD 2.0 for the game that supposedly became "a full-priced, full-length, high quality, connected" version of the originally proposed expansion.

I spoke to a bloke on the street that had this to say: “I don’t get it one bit. They already made EtD into a slightly bigger game and charged me three times the price to play it. Now they want to cut SR IV in half, put in some fifteen year old puns and sell it to me again? I’ll still buy it of course, but I effing hate Keanu, so I hope he’s not in it.” There you have it; popular consensus.

12/10 - Drunkard spills embarrassing and childish beans into the puddle of milk he was already crying over

Tragedy struck Saturday just gone when an ill-advised stroll along the internet ended in tears and almost universal derision. A local man was seen in the early hours airing his ‘personal issues’ in a very misguided public display of ‘despair’ and ‘inner turmoil’. This outpouring took the form of a confusing - almost nonsensical - list of rhetorical questions that often contradicted one another.

A passerby had this to say: “it was truly the most pitiful and unpleasant thing I’ve ever witnessed. I’m not quite sure if the fool was expecting the angry reception wot he got, but he right deserved it. Tit”

In a candid statement earlier today, the tit in question offered his sincerest apologies: “I would like to thank everyone for their inspiring responses to my narcissistic drivel; without the catcalls of stony apathy and ridicule I’d likely still be consumed by my selfish preoccupations. Cheers guys.”

13/10 - Comedic zombie-action-rpg-lite game will NOT be available in Germany

Tears were shed over the weekend when news surfaced that Dead Rising 3 won’t be available in Germany. Early reports that pegged the game’s high level of man-on-zombie violence as the cause have since been discredited. “It isn’t the game’s high level of man-on-zombie violence that we’re worried about”, said a representative of BPjM (Bundeprüfstelle für jugendgefährende Medien), the country’s entertainment software self-regulation body.

“The economy of Germany is based heavily upon the licensing of ‘Nazi Zombie’ intellectual property. We’re not saying that National Socialism has any place within a modern Germany, but we have to protect our assets whatever form they may take. We did enter into talks with Capcom to define a mutually beneficial royalty scheme - considering Germany theoretically owns the entire rights to the zombie half of ‘Nazi Zombies’ - but they regrettably devolved into petty squabbling.”

“We have therefore been forced, as a nation, to boycott DR 3 until an agreement can be reached between the German people and Capcom. Until the company formally recognises our ownership of zombies and every artistic endeavour associated with them, we will continue to take this moral stand.”

That’s it. Nothing else worth talking about happened last week. Let’s hope we’ll be given something better to work with in SEVEN DAYS.