To Ryan. I never met you, but I loved you.

When I first got the news I couldn't really believe it.

I was actually on the bathroom, using my phone to check my twitter and I saw Alex's tweet regarding Ryan's death. I was shocked. I was not alone in the house so it was all I could do not to scream out of my lungs, I just kept uttering the word "No" over and over, as the grief came upon me, denial was setting in.

I actually couldn't believe Ryan was gone. It was such an alien thought, such an absurdity that my mind refused to accept it. I think that, at the same time I feel so close to the Giant Bomb crew - from spending so much with them - that I actually consider them my "friends", it was this sort of an "ethereal" relationship. It felt like they were immortal, a constant.

And, in a way, they have been. So much has changed in my life since I started following Giant Bomb, but they were always the same, always a constant. I went through some rough emotional times and the fact that they were always there to make me laugh, forget a little about the things that were troubling me, was so meaningful to me. I always had somewhere to run away to.

I don't think I actually got to the anger stage, I kinda jumped directly to depression. I usually have a lot of trouble crying, but I cried so many times today. The funny thing is that those tears gave place to smiles, laughter and back to tears again. Today I truly had an emotional rollercoaster. Going from seeing everyone else reacting so strongly to this - Jeff's tweet about the situation (link) and Johnny V's last picture with Ryan were specially powerful to me (link) - and, at the same time, reminiscing some of Ryan's greatest moments has been a very wild ride.

It feels weird. Crying over the death of someone you've never exchanged a word in your life. I guess this is the toughest part of it, there is no one "in the real world" to share this pain with. No one that will understand how fucking shitty and sad I feel right now. The community response though is amazing to watch. Not only here on the site but all over the internet, it's beautiful to see how fondly everyone remembers Ryan and how sorely he'll be missed.

In the end, I'm grateful for the whole Giant Bomb crew, for what they do, for the countless hours of entertainment, joy and laughter they've brought to me over the years. I fear for the future, now that my constant has been so hardly shaken, but I love you guys, and I hope to watch/listen you for a long long time. I'll keep this hanging on my room for a while.

My "half-mast" flag

Good bye, Mr. Davis. It's been one hell of a ride.

5 Comments
5 Comments
Edited by Tarsier

same

Posted by vince_kupo

Fuck fuck and fuck again. I feel like that too man and I hate this. Ryan was really someone special, he was like a close friend even though I never met him. Seeing him go will leave a huge hole in my heart. I miss you M. Davis, you brought a lot of joy in my life.

Posted by KaramonD

I told my wife last night how upset I was about this. He was so young, one day older than my wife. Her response, "what the hell is a podcast."

I feel ya.

Posted by hippocrit
@karamond said:

I told my wife last night how upset I was about this. He was so young, one day older than my wife. Her response, "what the hell is a podcast."

I feel ya.

Even though my wife isn't into games, I often shared the bombcast with her because I knew she'd like Jeff, Ryan, Vinny, Brad, and Patrick. So when I told her the news, she was almost as shocked as me. I'm glad I've got her support, even though this isn't her world. I wish you had the same- try sharing a little with her; the bombcast crew's personality transcends the material.

See you in video game heaven, Ryan Davis.

Posted by Koolaids_Back

I never thought I could cry so much for someone that never knew my name. I don't have many friends, but the Giant Bomb crew has always been more than enough to keep me out of the gutter. I always thought they were an untouchable force of pure good in the world. I'll miss you Ryan. God dammit I will.