I keep finding myself struggling with the right way to describe how I'm doing, how I'm feeling, what's going on inside my own mind. Finding the words, the right words nonetheless, to explain to others, and sometimes myself. Suffering from a mental disorder is the worst thing in that way. Suffering from more than one mental disorder at the same time is thousands and thousands times worse, and I would much rather break both my legs, just so that I could point at a casket as an explanation to why I can't be there and do what I'm supposed to do whenever I'm asked to do something that is expected from me.
I'm constantly anxious of being judged by others. Not only by my actions and what I believe in and say, but also by the lack of my actions, by the lack of communicating with my peers. I get anxious when I'm about to talk or trying to come up with something to say. I get anxious when I'm talking because I've yet to see and/or hear the reaction. So I stay quiet. I isolate myself.
I also get anxious because I stay quiet and when I stay quiet for too long. And it's even worse when I get selfconscious about my own ongoing behavior. I keep feeling ashamed of my own behavior, the lack of communication. I keep blaming myself for what's going on and for how I feel, and for not doing anything about it. Or at least that's one of the many things I'm worried about people are thinking; that I'm not even trying.
Every day is a struggle. Every morning I just want to go back to sleep, disappear back into the subconscious state of mind I just woke up from. Every night I just want to stay awake, keep away from a subconscious state of mind that against my own will keeps reminding me of what's going on. If I fall asleep I also have to wake up and face a new morning, a new day of worrying. Every day I'm longing for just being around people, take part in conversations, share my thoughts and listen to what they have to say too. Get away from myself and my self inflicted loneliness. Every day I feel extremely anxious whenever I am around people. I keep counting the hours, minutes, seconds until I can get away from the spotlight. The spotlight that's not even pointed at me. Why would there ever be a spotlight pointed at me? I want there to a spotlight pointed at me, I don't want to stand in the dark. I don't want a spotlight to be pointed at me, I don't want to be exposed.
By just looking at it from afar it just seems to lack everything what logic is. It doesn't make sense, not at all. Being in the middle of it all however, doesn't make it make more sense either, but the main difference is that everything that's wrong with this behavior seems logical in the most wicked ways....even though it's not logical at all.
And I'm also having trouble deciding if being this self aware of it all is a good or a bad thing. Objectively the most logical answer would be that it's extremely good. Being aware of the problem is a huge step in the right direction. But for some unexplainable reason it makes me even more anxious knowing so much about all the nuts and bolts of it all. Sometimes I wish I didn't find psychology to be an interesting subject, even though it's the very thing that has given me the most insight in life overall.
A mental trip twelve years back in time. I think the biggest impact was when a good friend of mine one day, as if from nowhere , said he no longer wanted to hang out with me . He thought it was tedious to have to spend time with someone who for years has been subjected to bullying by older students at the school . And when it was also time for us to be upgraded to high school was it apparently even more relevant to actually get the relationship we had on a wider distance, even if we were studying in the same class those next four years.
After this event, I can now see a slow but sure fall in my social skills. I had more difficult to dare to make contact with new acquaintances , even though we seemed to have much in common. Daring to trust new people suddenly became much more difficult . Something I had not experienced before, at all. I used to be a very open person who cared about everyone in his presence, who always gave the new people more chances to make their first impression.
It affected not only relations with new friends, but also how to handle strong emotions such as love. Daring to show that I liked another girl a lot had not been a huge problem before. Sure, I was not always straightforward, but I dared to always give subtle clues that I was really interested in that person. But it also went down, in a much higher rate than you might think.
What really made the most painful about the love in my early teens was when a girl I was interested in for a longer period of time found out that I was in love with her. She began to also give me subtle signals back. One day she began to send little notes in class, and put finely written letters in my locker. I answered of course her messages, in the belief that everything that was written staid between her and me. As you may have already figured out by now is that she shared the details with others. Too many other people. In the end, everybody knew what was going on, and what had been written by her was more or less just a very entertaining game with my emotions at stake. Nevertheless, she was rather kind to me afterwards, but her way of humiliating me in front of large parts of my classmates took a hard beat on my heart, and even more so on my mind.
When it was time to start high school, my social skills hade fallen so close to the bottom I've ever been. I was very difficult to deal with , and it was clear how people didn't really know how they should behave around me. Nevertheless, I was given a lot of new opportunities from some individuals who seemed to have some interst in getting to know me better. It took over a year, almost two years before I felt reasonably comfortable with my newfound friends. I'm still amazed at how these amazing people even could deal with me, how they actually held out for me to improve myself. Just the fact that when I almost dropped out of school during the last semester, they I asked me to at least participate in the exam events.
I'm still after all these years very greatful to all of those of stood up for me back then. Without them my life could have ended or at least been a lot worse than it is as of today.
Okay, here's the thing. Two of my xbros, also known to me as great friends, where hanging out playing some Dead Space 2 and fiddling around with a Kaossilator a couple of week ago. As they where making progress through the game and with some new interesting tunes, they decided to make an album with Kaossilator made music, with song titles inspired by CoD4, Dead Space, love, colors, space, zombies, Duke Nukem and pure awesomeness.
And as of today, February 14 2011 the day of love, the whole world can finally listen the mysterious tunes made by this awesome duo. Download it for free here 12 minutes of pure psychedelic awesomeness! ENJOY!
Poop Back and Forth (0:25)
McMillan’s Ass under a Truck (he’s in pain) (1:19)
I've been a fan of the Pokémon games for as long as I can remember. Experienced a couple of entertaining adventures, engaged a lot of link battles, made rare trades, discovered (almost) all secrets. Oh man, Pokémon are great games. So great that I many times thought of how epic it would be if it became an online game someday. There's been many attempts to make an online game out of it, most of them where in text web browser style, others in java or flash. A couple of weeks ago I found out that there's actually a new great attempt to make an computer based online Pokémon game. I googled it and found Pokémon World Online.
This looked really interesting so I signed up for the open beta and downloaded the game client.
But at the time being their server where down for maintenance, and would be so for a few more days. I then forgot about the game for some time, and today I recalled something, for some reason, that PWO may be up and running again. So now I've have begun a new chapter in my Pokémon experience, which seems to be a really enjoyable one.
But the highlight of the night was the premier-gig of a band called Frayed Ends. One special thing about this band is that some of my friends are in it. Here you go, the epic, exclusive videos from that gig. Yeah I know, poor quality videos, but it's still good enough. Enjoy!
I just want to say I really love this verse. It totally gave me goose bumps (something I've longed feel when playing a game for some time now) when I heard it. You who played so far into the game knows what I'm saying.
"Through the woods a girl came sadly. Something broken in her chest. She had dared to love another. Alas, no better than the rest.
Up my path the girl came gladly. Something opened up my doors. I longed to stop her bleeding heart. And so I called her to my shores.
Those you trust will hurt you badly. Something now I'm sure you see. So drown your tears in me, my dear. As you drown, my dear, in me. "