Part One

The Citadel: Arrival

So here I am at the Citadel, some Prothean creation that was found by the Asari. Hey, can you tell I've read the Codex? When I first arrive, Udina (which is a very feminine sounding name) is fighting with the Citadel Council about something -- what happened on Eden Prime I suppose. Ms. Udina has a hissy fit and Neo tells me to meet him later at the Challenge Tower or as he calls is the "Citadel" Tower. Why name a building at the Citadel the Citadel Tower? It's much too repetitive... but I digress. I'm free to roam at this point and so I head off down the hallway and into another room in which I find two trunkless elephants and a masked ewok. I soon learn that the elephants are elcor and the ewok is a volcus. One of the elephants is behind a desk and I speak to him first because he seems official. I am correct for I find that he is the elephant ambassador. His speech is hilarious, so much so that I decide the elephants are going to be my favorite species. The other elephant is going through some emotional turmoil and I offer to help (although I neglect to listen to the actual complaint) and then the asshole ewok bitches about humanity. I leave with my head held high.

I wonder around for a while in the Embassy section, coming across things like an Asari receptionist, a hologram, and assorted knowledgeable people. Will the Codex be up for the challenge, because my brain has already exploded from all the history and culture lessons. At some point I cross a bridge and wonder into a building with some more Asari inside. I'm told that I can't get an appointment with some Asari chick that frankly I don't even want to meet with because I don't believe I have reason to, but then this special Asari oracle calls me into her office. She asks me to track down some guy who's talking shit about her. At this point, I think I remember the elephant talking about her. Things are coming together I suppose. So I'm off again to wonder around looking at statues, listening to holograms, and eventually finding myself in the market district. I don't buy anything because I haven't been playing the game long enough to know what the hell to buy. So I cross another bridge a look around some before heading to the Challenge Tower.

After an elevator ride during which my team is babbling, I arrive in the Tower and walk into the middle of an argument with some guy I saw at the Embassy and some other guy. After they're done freaking out, I talk to one of them, a Mr. Garrus. I like Garrus and decide that he is a total badass but I leave him to go talk to Neo.

The Citadel: Meeting

The Council doesn't like Geth, that's for sure, but Saren McDickface is fucking awesome because he's a "Spectre." So Ms. Udina, Neo, and Rufus can go kill themselves right now because no one is gonna mess with McDickface on the Council's watch. Also, the court system in the future has gone to shit because apparently eyewitness accounts aren't allowed as evidence. But after that debacle, Ms. Udina, Neo, and Rufus all meet up and I learn that Neo and McDickface know each other. THE PLOT THICKENS. Because Saren is a Spectre, he's untouchable, but I'm told to see "Harkin" or "Barla Von" about getting after him. As both names sound equally dumb, I pick one at random and head to a place called the "wards" to track down this Harkin fellow.

The Citadel: Poorly-lit Wards and Garrus

When I reach the wards, I find a creepy place with lots of neon lights. You can tell unspeakable things have happened here. I'm looking for a place called Chora's Den, a place I'm imagining as a bar with very low lighting and very sketchy people. On my way there, I'm attacked by some random guys. My team is yelling things and everyone seems to know why we're being attacked except for me. After that skirmish, I enter Chora's Den -- a sort of weird strip club in which all of the patrons gruffly tell you to fuck off. I suppose I can't blame them... why was I trying to initiate conversation in this place anyway? I find Harkin, a drunk asshole, and I'm eventually told to talk to my badass buddy Garrus. As I'm leaving, some Jabba the Hutt looking guys argue about some guy named "Fist." I talk to the bouncer but I don't need anymore trouble, so I leave.

I head to the Med Clinic because apparently that's where Garrus is. But of course instead of Garrus just sitting there having a nice chat with the Doctor, the Doctor is being threatened up by some thugs about a "quarian." The thugs take notice of me and Garrus proves his badassery by shooting a guy in the head. After a simple shoot out, I talk to the Doctor and she points me to this Fist guy, the guy I didn't want to get involved with. Then Garrus asks to join my posse and I'm ecstatic -- I've now got a certified badass with me. But now I've got to deal with Fist, so I'm off to Chora's Den. I bust in there and encounter a shit ton of fighting. I die at one point because it's all so hectic (I promise this isn't an excuse for just sucking). I finally get to Fist and he gives me some more information on the quarian. I decide to let Fist go, even though I see no reason to -- I'm just really stuck on being a good guy. I then leave and eventually run into the quarian and another fight.

The Citadel: Saren and the Normandy

After the fight, the quarian agrees to go see Ms. Udina with the information on McDickface. There is another Ms. Udina hissy fit before the quarian explains herself and plays some audio incriminating Saren. The clip also mentions reapers, which haven't been around for years and years. Neo thinks this will be enough to convince the Council that just because Saren smokes cigarettes and skips class, it doesn't mean he's the coolest kid in school. Then the quarian, Tali, joins the posse. I wasn't expecting that, but I think she'll be a great addition.

Another trip to the Challenge Tower results in Saren losing his Spectre status and humanity getting its first Spectre in the form of a man named Rufus. After some cutscenes, I explore the Citadel some more, completing what seems like a million side missions and then head to C-Sec. It takes me forever to realize what C-Sec stands for despite an explanation, confirming just how stupid I am when it comes to this game. Then Wrex, the Jabba the Hutt guy who had some major issues with Fist, somehow manages to join my team before I even know what's going on. Jabba is part of the posse now, I guess I'm cool with that.

It's now time to leave the Citadel, but not before Neo loses command of the Normandy because Rufus needs a pimped-out ride if he's going to be a Spectre and all. I chat with Neo about how much that sucks for his career but he's pretty cool about it. Then I'm in the Normandy talking to Seth Green once again and feeling like an absolute boss. I choose not to make fun of Seth Green's brittle bone disease because WHY WOULD ANYONE BE THAT MUCH OF A JERK? After exploring the ship a bit, I suppose it's time to check out this galaxy map and head to Feros, Noveria, or Therum...