So I'm told that today is apparently Valentine's Day or, in some circles, Vamulumtime's Day, or, as I prefer to call it, "That Day We All Need To Celebrate Our Love and Relationship Arbitrarily Even Though Every Day Should Really Be a Good Day to do That... Day." It's a time of year filled with lots of pretentious reserved dinner dates, bad, expensive chocolate, and, if you're lucky, conveniently forgotten condoms, leading to a soon-to-be-existent third member of the exclusive lovey-dovey clique to fall in love with by this time next year. Of course, this means it's a great day all around, even on a completely objective level.
At least, if you're an ORDINARY PERSON. A LAME ordinary person at that.
I'm told that this is what you'll look like at some point today. Oh, the things you'll do for love and (b?)romance! Luckily for me and potentially you if you agree with me, today does not have to be that sort of day. And why should it? There are already a lot of people celebrating it and the measly addition of yourself and maybe a lover, whether that be a real person, yourself, or a blow-up doll really isn't going to make the day noticeably better. So today I suggest that you join me in celebrating a different sort of day, one with which can all agree is more worthwhile and has a more specific purpose than Valentine's Day. Unless you skeptically (and rightfully) consider Valentine's Day to be that day the flower and greeting card industries conspired to make everybody broke for the supposed sake of love. Then our holiday can't win in such a skeptical regard, although it still ultimately and thankfully wins overall.
Today, I propose, is Almighty Comrade Satonaka Love Love Day.
Now you might be wondering what, exactly, an Almighty Comrade Satonaka Love Love Day is in the first place. This is understandable, at least if you're among the very few who can be deemed "the uninitiated." You see, Almighty Comrade Satonaka Day is the most important holiday of the year for the Vanguards of the Lunch Revolution, an organization for which I advocated tirelessly on this very site just a few short years ago. Contrary to popular reports on CNN, Sankaku Complex, and Jeuxvideo, the Vanguards of the Lunch Revolution is an organization still going strong, continuing to fight the good fight in bringing deflation to lunch room prices and freedom to those oppressed by those loathsome dictators we call "lunch ladies," or as we members prefer to wittingly call them, "lunch haties." (Not to be confused with the country Haiti. They're actually our number one ally in the fight against all non-Vanguard things!) Our group is so successful, in fact, that we even have a presence on Steam, which is the true indicator of legitimacy for any organization and not just a sad hub for TF2 addicts.
While cute, this still represents everything that we resent about the way you regular plebians celebrate this day. Of course, all I've done is explain the history and significance of Almighty Comrade Satonaka Love Love Day and not the actual mechanics of, you know, celebrating it. That, luckily, is so simple that even non-members can do it without much of a fear of getting arrested or scolded by their (actual?) lovers for scorning them. Essentially, all you do is yell at the top of your lungs just how much you love Almighty Comrade Satonaka, why you're devoted to her, and just what exactly you do to ensure that the flames of your passion are always lit, knowing full well that, like every member of the Vanguards of the Lunch Revolution, she must be a companion for all of the people and never actually romantically into you. She's is both everyone's wife (or waifu, if you're into that) and nobody's at the same time. But that's okay, since real love comes from having yours not being reciprocated! Anybody's who's gotten a restraining order and/or been on Dr. Phil for relationship problems can attest to this very fact.
You can do the actual yelling in any place, although Almighty Comrade Satonaka is only truly pleased if you do in front of crowded areas filled with couples lovestruck at each other's presence, feigning affection for the sake of maintaining social mores and convincing themselves that all the expensive stuff really, really is worth it for everything that comes at the end. However, for practicing purposes, I'll let you express your undying devotion to her here in this thread. Just make sure to actually go and do it in the real world, too. For example, every year I like to say...
"WITH FEET OF STEEL AND A STICK OF MEAT GUM, ALMIGHTY COMRADE SATONAKA HAS TAUGHT ME MORE ABOUT LIFE AND LOVE THAN MY PARENTS AND MOTHER THERESA COMBINED! MY DEVOTION IS INFINITE AND RELENTLESS, ALMIGHTY COMRADE SATONAKA! I LOVE YOU! I WILL PUNT TANKS IN YOUR NAME UNTIL THE DAY I REACH THE MAJOR LEAGUES! THEN I'LL DO IT SOME MORE!" Now it's your turn. Celebrate Almighty Comrade Satonaka Love Love Day in your own way right here and now! So long as Almighty Comrade Satonaka knows you're affectionate for her, any way is a-okay with her. Come on. Don't be shy. I know I just didn't scare you off and have, in fact, sold you on the superiority of Almighty Comrade Satonaka Love Love Day over bad old Valvolinetine's. My argument is, in fact, foolproof and has also convinced on the prospect of joining the Vanguards of the Lunch Revolution if you had not already done so all those year's ago, even if we're already brimming with members and can't hope to accept any new followers at this time. Even if your true heretical love happens to be for Yukiko, Rise, or heaven forbid, Kashiwagi, you should shut up and put up since all those ladies have days of celebration and devotion of their own, too. Legally, speaking, you are obligated to celebrate Almighty Comrade Satonaka Love Love Day anyway, so you really have no choice. Come one and come all! Let's count the ways that we oh so love our dearest Almighty Comrade Satonaka so!
Happy Almighty Comrade Satonaka Love Love Day, fellow comrades! You'd best make it a fantastic one for your own sake and safety!
And if you actually happen to like THIS ONE for some reason, stop being different and love a real woman for once in your god damned life! 110 Comments
" I call today Official Forever Alone Day, but whatever floats your boat. Oh and Chie is amazing and yada yada yada sex yada yada yada steaks etc. etc. "
The idea that you would imply ALMIGHTY COMRADE SATONAKA, as she is properly called, would ever settle down and actually have sex with a person shows just how shallow your understanding of her and her teachings is. I call poseur!
" I call today Official Forever Alone Day, but whatever floats your boat. Oh and Chie is amazing and yada yada yada sex yada yada yada steaks etc. etc. "
The idea that you would imply ALMIGHTY COMRADE SATONAKA, as she is properly called, would ever settle down and actually have sex with a person shows just how shallow your understanding of her and her teachings is. I call poseur! "
I will have you know that my popularity is through the roof, which means my intimacy is incredible. Chie's just looking for a chance to get down and dirty with this.
" This thread needs more Yuki supporters, DOWN WITH THE SATONAKA REGIME, ALL HAIL AMAGI. "
I'll have you know that the Vanguards of the Lunch Revolution are still on good terms with Yukiko and the Boneless Taste Cuisine Brigade, as has always been the case since the founding of the Vanguards. Anybody who claims otherwise is a rogue element that is simply out to cause unnecessary strife and instability between the two noble organizations. Please, I implore you, stop before this turns into an all-out war. Delicious Mistress Amagi has her own day of celebration on March 14 every year, which just so happens to correspond with the (Japanese) plebian holiday of White Day.
" This thread needs more Yuki supporters, DOWN WITH THE SATONAKA REGIME, ALL HAIL AMAGI. "
I'll have you know that the Vanguards of the Lunch Revolution are still on good terms with Yukiko and the Boneless Taste Cuisine Brigade, as has always been the case since the founding of the Vanguards.Anybody who claims otherwise is a rogue element that is simply out to cause unnecessary strife and instability between the two noble organizations. Please, I implore you, stop before this turns into an all-out war. Delicious Mistress Amagi has her own day of celebration on March 14 every year, which just so happens to correspond with the (Japanese) plebian holiday of White Day. "
Yes yes, don't want a useless war going on.
I'm with Yukiko! This Yukiko though. Who is really just Mio cosplaying Yukiko.
" Delicious Mistress Amagi has her own day of celebration on March 14 every year, which just so happens to correspond with the (Japanese) plebian holiday of White Day. "
I always knew Yukiko was the dude of the relationship. :P
@Pepsiman: I'll stop spreading hatred and starting wars, but mainly because this shtick is freaking hilarious, I need to read through the original thread. *cough* all hail Amagi *cough*
@Skullo: Although we here at the Vanguards of the Lunch Revolution are most pleased to have Captain James Raynor and Raynor's Raiders join us in our constant fight against lunchtime tyranny, we request that you refrain from wanking in celebration of today until the alliance treaty has been formally signed and ratified, which should be soon. While the deal is almost done, we just want to ensure things go smoothly and that we have no last minute misunderstandings that could influence the course of our most joyous relationship. We thank you for your understanding and cooperation.
@Dalai: Are you really sure you want that? Think carefully now. Think. Carefully.
" @natetodamax: Nate, you have made a powerful enemy today. "
I'll back Chie as well. "
Yeah who doesn't want a girlfriend who'd enjoy wrestling with luchador masks on, dream or not? Plus I'd like to see ol' satellite face kick a tank. Oh wait, she can't! "
Chie can kick a tank because she's manly. But hey, if you're into sweaty manly women that's cool........
" @natetodamax: Nate, you have made a powerful enemy today. "
I'll back Chie as well. "
Yeah who doesn't want a girlfriend who'd enjoy wrestling with luchador masks on, dream or not? Plus I'd like to see ol' satellite face kick a tank. Oh wait, she can't! "
Chie can kick a tank because she's manly. But hey, if you're into sweaty manly women that's cool........ "
@Sleepy_Insomniac: Almighty Comrade Satonaka does not take it kindly when she is implied to be less than the number three. At the very least, she typically requests that she be 3.1 at minimum, although ideally a higher number is preferred, one that has no more than two additional decimal places attached. In this instance and this instance only, the Vanguards of the Lunch Revolution will forgive what appears to be an innocent slip-up. But please, keep these things in mind during future instances that require referencing her numerically.
111 Comments