pickassoreborn

His eyes stare into my soul.

Rez Trance Vibrator. That or the Arcade Aid poster currently hanging on my wall.
 
Can't be bothered to take photos, take my word for it. I do have these treasures!
 
Edit - I can be bothered, it seems.

GTA4 annoyed me somewhat for the aforementioned lack of checkpoints in missions - something I've become reminded of now my wife is playing through the game. Seems pretty lame to play through driving sections of missions again if you fail them - didn't they fix this issue with the DLC? I can't remember. Still, I'm hoping GTA5 has proper checkpoints.

It's Saturday afternoon and me and the good lady wife are shuffling with a shopping trolley through aisles of overpriced British foodstuffs. I pick up a bunch of Braeburn apples and slide them into the poorly-designed polythene bag, tie them up and drop them with a little caution into the corner of the shopping trolley. This is what we do every weekend - we go shopping for essential foodstuffs. Food, as you know, keeps the human race living and breathing. Can the same be said for electronic consumer products? I suppose it depends on how committed you are to the cause of new console launches.
 
Out of the corner of my eye I see a large cardboard display. It appears to be doing a good job attracting my attention, but I knew that as soon as I stepped foot into the store, That mock iPhone sheen, that glistening promise of a future solved with a simple yet shiny hinge allowing that shiny lid open and allow my eyeballs to be caressed by a world of 3D... without glasses! Did I just read that right? Pesky 3D. I am myopic not by choice. When I went to see Tron Legacy in 3D, I saw it with not one pair of glasses but two. Saying that, technically I will still enjoy 3DS's third dimension with these very glasses which allow me to type onto this monitor screen. Pesky 3D. Pesky glasses. Pesky Nintendo 3DS.
 
The wife has seen Nintendogs + Cats. Nothing attracts the female demographic of videogames more than cuteness and the sight of a hyper-realistic dog chasing after virtual frisbees even gets me thinking that yes. Maybe we do need a 3DS after all. Surely it's the answer to all our problems. All that economic meltdown can be easily forgotten with a truly immersive experience of herding a bunch of cute cats around a paddock. In 3D. Why the fuck isn't this thing in my trolley? Let's put these apples back, dear. We don't need them for nourishment when our eyes can be nourished.
 
The fact I wasn't one of the determined gamers queued up at midnight and eager to get their hands on this technology was damning evidence. I didn't deserve the 3DS. I used to be dedicated to my humble yet pleasurable pasttime, devoted and thankful to the worlds I got lost in and the characters I grew to love. I'm also older and wiser. That economic meltdown? That's a factor. There's more though. Early adoption. The early adopters of the world think for not a second as they slip out their credit cards with such skill and finesse from countless, repeated motion. People love shiny things, what other explanation can there be for such a rabid and hungry appetite? I grab the Black 3DS display box and stare at it, looking deep into that enticing sheen. It's immaculate. I can almost see my face in it.
 
I used to be an early adopter. I still bare the scars of owning a first-generation DS when Nintendo revealed the DS Lite. That first-generation DS looked like it had been put together by a hobbyist in the back of his garage. It was clumsy, ugly, impractical in sunlight... yet I loved it. Nintendo took a page out of Apple's aspirational rulebook and played me for a fool. What was even more foolish? I ended up buying the DS Lite as well. No wonder Nintendo dine on gold plates and drive around in flying cars powered by caviar juice.
 
The internet ruins everything. I look at write-ups of the 3DS hardware and I want to pat myself on the back, I really do; the 3DS has a terrible battery life, does it? 3-5 hours, you say? That's not even an average plane journey, is it? The 3D effect can give you a blinding headache? Really? Hmm. The more I think of not owning a 3DS, the better it makes me feel. I kid myself, of course. I read through one average 3DS game review after another. Yep, I know launch games are renowned for not being that good. I read on. What's that? The DS store and a variety of other things aren't available to use yet? How did Nintendo manage to get away with that? Loading times, you say? Loading times? On a cartridge? How is that even possible?
 
Yet there's that twinge of doubt in the back of my head. I know what it is, of course. I'm a married man who doesn't game as much as he used to. I'm not as enthusiastic in videogaming as I used to be. I've become jaded to all of the enticement, the sheen, the promise. I thoughtfully place the Black 3DS display box back onto the shelf.
 
There's food to buy.

" I look towards the past on the website as being the "glory days."

I think this proves that all kids are little shits,

 Let's face it. There was a time where there was the daddy of all controllers. All those misty-eyed years past, we remembered when Sony swaggered into the console market with an undeniable confidence. They brought us fresh, new experiences of futuristic roller-coasters, roundhouse kicks and sideways-screeching cars garnished with as many manga speedlines as you care to imagine. All this required a controller which didn't suck. Looking back on the history of the humble controller, I bear the scars and muscular pain from wrestling with the Atari 2600 controller. The NES controller is classic for sure, but ergonomical it most definitely not. A need was there and Sony delivered - lo! Here is a controller for the ages. A controller to tell your children and grandchildren.
 
The Dual Analog Controller.
 
The daddy of the DualShock and DualShock2, this was the humble piece of plastic that allowed me to navigate those chevron-adorned meanders so precisely. The confident glow of the Analog LED almost made me feel I was part of the world I was pretending to inhabit. Good controllers melt into the fingers. You hardly notice them unless they vibrate at the appropriate times. Aha! That'll be where the aforementioned DualShocks come in.
 
I don't remember many vibration-inspired experiences in my time playing videogames, but that bit in Metal Gear Solid with Psycho Mantis asking you to put your controller down and making it move through the power of telekinesis? It wass hard not to utter a George Takei "Ohmy". Finally, a controller I could quite happily play with until my  arthritic bones are dust. I would never, ever leave this controller. Nope. Never.
 
Cut to October 2005. I am driving a bright red Ferrari around the most photorealistic representation of Tokyo I've ever laid my eyes on. There's a gathering throng around me waiting to play Project Gotham Racing 3. No dice, losers. I'm in this experience and i fucking love it. This controller is sweet too. Soon after, money changed hands and I staggered back home with a box of Xbox 360 and continuing the racing from the comfort of my own sofa. The 360 controller is everything to me. It's my new favourite thing. I could kiss the designer of this thing. Surely he has wrestled with those very same controllers of the past and experienced the DualShock2 enough to give us all the human interface device of the future. Show me his face, I will put up framed photos of him in my house.
 
Cut to June 2007. I'm smashing those framed photos off my walls and shouting at the controller which once brought me so much, but like so many things - fallen at the last hurdle. Pac-Man Championship Edition's menu music is happily gurgling away as I stare with grim intent at the one thing which had got me in such a state. The one thing I didn't have to use when screeching around photo-realistic street corners being entertained by the click of Kudos.
 
Hello, 360 d-pad. You plastic whore, you.
 
They got so many things right with the 360 pad. The triggers are perfect, the analog sticks have just the right amount of give to them. Those bumpers which appeared to not be as forgiving as the DualShock shoulder buttons soon became the new way to tap through weapons and menu screens. That d-pad though. It mocks me with its flagrant blending of two geometric shapes. Circle into cross does not go. Nope. Try it on puzzle games like Bejeweled 2 and you'll soon see how control suddenly becomes an abstract, a total disconnect. I didn't want to move there, d-pad. I wanted to move there instead. What's that? I failed again on Finity Mode and it had nothing to do with my ability? Grr.
 
This is even more painfully obvious in the utterly flawless Pac-Man Championship Edition DX. I've not been so addicted and angered by a game in recent times; the addiction is that tried-and-tested gameplay mixed with a twist of pure ingenuity and a slowly-growing conga line of ghosts. The pain is not being in complete control of that iconic yellow disc. It's frustrating beyond belief when you miss yet another turn - Pac-Man DX is all about precision and knowing when to turn at the right moment. On the earlier levels, it's great. When the speed is ramped up to maximum, it's totally chaotic.
 
I collapse into a heap surrounded by my smashed up house staring at that one piece of useless plastic which cost me an impressively high score. One of the best pieces of menu music in the history of menu music still doesn't distract me from my stupor. A startling realisation sets in that maybe I bought Pac-Man DX for... the wrong console? Surely not. As if on cue, a DualShock3 saunters out from behind a curtain and giggles to itself. I think this part was all a hallucination-fuelled state from my ordeal, but I'm not sure. I stare at it and I swear an expression forms onto its hard casing. A smirk. A grin. It knew it had the right stuff from the very beginning - one of the best d-pads in controller history.

Ryan for me. He commands authority. I also think Ryan and Jeff have had a history of bare-knuckle fist fights; Ryan won them all.
 
Also he's killed a man.