By plainplease 16 Comments
To us, gaming is more than a simple pastime. It’s more than entertainment. We might not be able to precisely pin down exactly why games matter to us, but we aren’t playing around when it comes to games … well, we are, technically, playing around, but you get what I mean. We take games verious (that’s very serious, but we take them so serious that we can’t waste time with a bunch of extra words).
But, enough with all of that. We want to see the games. We want to see the Rolies. That’s just how we ... R-R-ROOOOOOOL-L-L-L!!!!!
[Cue Mortal Kombat techno ... What? ... We don’t have that track? And this is an obscure video game blog and not a televised awards show that doesn’t really make any sense? No matter ... roll on!]
Gamers and duders, welcome to the second annual Rolies--the first and only video game awards dedicated to the roll. Last year we handed out a bunsload of great awards to the best rolls in games: the Schwarzeneggerest Roll (Captain Titus of Warhammer 40,000: Space Marine), the Rickest Roll (Garcia “Fucking” Hotspur of Shadows of the Damned), and the Thunderest Roll (Cole MacGrath of inFamous 2) just to name a few. Some categories are back again this year, but we’re gonna knock your socks off with our all new categories in 2012--and those soon-to-be-knocked-off socks better get neatly rolled, not bunned ... we want to be very clear about that.
As always, we want to take a moment to honor Giant Bomb and the great community of users for making the Rolies possible. Here is what you guys at the greatest site on the planet have agreed is a suitable definition of the roll:
A roll consists of simultaneous vertical and horizontal movement of a body. There are several variations of a roll, and some vehicles are also capable of this movement.
So here we are again, ready to show the world what the roll is all about. The 2012 Rolies are here. So hold on to your butts ... we’re ready to roll.
[Cue music: “Picture Me Rollin’,” by Tupac ... Oh, right .... blog, not TV show. Okay, cue Rolls-Royce sponsorship banner ... No? Rolex either? Alright, let’s get this amateur hour over with then.]
The Tootsiest Roll
A roll is a roll. We know a roll when we see it. A roll is simple. It is elegant. A roll’s beauty is in its transience--it is here one moment, and then it is gone, just like that. But like Dustin Hoffman’s character in the classic film Tootsie, some rolls sort of waffle between two things. Sometimes we don’t know if we’ve seen a roll or if we’ve seen something else … something that seems to defy categories.
No. What we’re talking about almost doesn’t qualify as a roll at all. In fact, many of you might dispute its eligibility for a Rolie. But for its amazing ability to capture our attention and curiosity, Assassin’s Creed 3 takes the Tootsiest Roll for having the most confused roll of 2012:
The “Dude I’m So Totally Rolling” -est Roll
Max Payne. Here’s a dude so badass that we can’t even begin to sum up his badassery in a way that would do him justice. Rogue cop. Vigilante. Killer. A man out for revenge who will stop at nothing.
Also: BULLET TIME!
And this is a guy who knows how to roll. Rolling in slow motion. Rolling behind cover. Rolling while reloading. Max Payne is a veritable rolling aficionado. And his rolls in 2012’s Max Payne 3 did not disappoint fans of the series nor fans of the roll. But his combat roll isn’t what earned him a Rolie this year. For undoubtedly rolling balls on a cocktail of drugs and alcohol consumed in large quantities throughout the game, Max Payne in Max Payne 3 is your 2012 “Dude I’m So Totally Rolling” -est Roll.
Max Payne 3 is also this year’s The Multi-ballest Roll for including the most mid-roll actions.
The G-est Roll
The bravado one must posses to carry a G-roll (a wad of rolled-up cash, held together by a rubber-band and carried in one’s pocket) frightens most grown men. Carrying a G-roll says, “Y’all don’t want none of this. I carry a G-roll ‘cause ain’t nobody gon’ step to me. I’m unf--kwit’able.”
This attitude defines 2012’s G-est Roll. The roll in this game is so volatile that you actually have to earn the right to roll. Only the realest of the real can roll in this game. For making the roll a purchasable upgrade only available to certain classes, this year’s G-est Roll is Dragon’s Dogma.
The Pelvicest Roll
A roll, when done right, is sexy. It deftly combines a violent, aggressive, and powerful maneuver with one that is elegant, subtle, and graceful. In that balance, there is a potent recipe for sensuality.
But other games bypass that elusive interplay with animal magnetism and just shove suggestiveness right down your throat. For getting us all up off the couch and shaking our sexy asses, the Pelvicest Roll of 2012 belongs to Just Dance 4.
The Schwartzeneggerest Roll
Only the fiercest roll has even a chance to earn this next award. This category is saved for those rolls that simply get the job done. For this game, the roll is the answer. Need to get behind cover? Roll. Need to dodge some bullets? Roll. Need to run? No you don’t. You need to roll.
(caption: the Schwarteneggerest Roll has deep roots in gaming history: True Lies)
Rolling Ballsest Roll
If you have friends who ever say, “Dude, I’m, like, totally rolling balls right now,” you might want to think hard about how you are choosing your friends. Ecstasy is a dangerous drug.
But the Rolling Ballsest Roll isn’t about popping mollies. This award honors the video game that made the best use of one of the rolliest of objects: the ball. For being the best game that featured a ball, this year’s Rolling Ballsest Rolie goes to NBA 2K12.
As fans of the roll, we really take notice of a good roll. Like connoisseurs, we like to taste a good roll, revelling in its intricacies and delicacies. A good roll is meant to be appreciated and reflected upon. But, as rollos--as we like to call ourselves--we can fall into the trap of thinking that any game could be better with a good roll.
But this is not always the case. Sometimes a game comes along in which every gameplay feature was executed so flawlessly that it simply didn’t need a roll. In fact, sometimes a roll, in all of its wonderful flavors, can bloat a game with complexity. Sometimes a developer’s choice to leave the roll out does more for the idea of rolls than if they had crammed it in where it wasn’t needed.
For being the game that most closely executed the spirit of the roll without actually including the ability to do a roll, this year’s Unravellest Roll goes to Borderlands 2.
Drew A Barrel Roll
This one is for the duderest of the Giant Bomb duders. We were all entertained with hours of great video and podcast content here on Giant Bomb. For fans of the site, the Giant Bomb crew talk about games in a way that makes them cool, interesting, funny, fun and so much more.
But some of the best moments on Giant Bomb come from where you’d least expect it. For instance, 2012 likely be remembered as the year of Drew taking us, Vinny, and Dave on a number of entertaining and thrilling rides into the sky in a feature series called Flight Club.
Because it provided us with some of the most bewilderingly hilarious video moments of the year, this year’s Drew A Barrel Roll goes to Digital Combat Simulator: P-51D Mustang.
Music and video games. Just saying those two things together sets our minds racing through our memories.
Memorable moments in gaming music from games like Chrono Trigger or many of the Final Fantasy games still hold up strongly against the amazing soundtracks of the games of the World of Warcraft and Mass Effect series of today. But a good licensed soundtrack can go a long way... just ask anyone who remembers Rock ‘N Roll Racing.
For melting our faces in 2012 with a killer Rock soundtrack, this year’s Rock-n-est Roll goes to Lollipop Chainsaw.
Mary Lou-est Roll
Every year, there is that one roll. That one roll that, above all others, rolls the roliest. It rolls so goddamn good that we all have to pause just to absorb the absolute wonder of the moment. This roll gets it. This roll gets us. This roll rolls. It’s perfect.
For being everything we want in a roll and more... for being a roll that inspires us to keep rolling... for dreaming to roll and then rolling its heart out... for making the Rolies possible, this year’s best, Mary Lou-est Roll goes to Kingdoms of Amalur: Reckoning.
Rolies 2012 Wrap-up
There it is, folks. Another great Rolies in the bag, all rolled up and ready to pack it in for next year. We all hope you enjoyed this strangely endearing homage to the year in video game rolls. There are lots of great rolls to look ahead toward in 2013. So keep playing games, keep coming back to Giant Bomb, and keep rolling.
[*Cue Limp Bizkit’s “Rollin’”]