Fuck Ryan Davis.

Back during the ages when most kids would be going to school hanging out with friends, I wasn't. I couldn't. I was homechooled during the time most people would be in their 8th grade all the way up until I started taking classes at a local community college around the time most people were finishing high school. It left me with a lot of free time, and when I should have been doing Latin homework or some other nonsense, I was on the internet experiencing the specific brand of nonsense it had to offer. I was not a follower of Giant Bomb since the beginning, as I never was a follower of Gamespot and did not listen to the Hotspot until years after I should have. I came across a forum post on Facepunch.com about some dudes livestreaming the end of The Matrix Online and decided it would be a grand way to waste an afternoon. What I saw was nonsense, pure unadulterated bedlam. I loved it, it hit a very specific part of my brain that I didn't think other people had - the love of stupid bullshit. Some dude named Ryan was running around in an incredibly-laggy online game that I think I tried once years back but never put any thought into. Watching the incredible idiocy of Ryan's character getting gunned down at every corner, the dance parties in the streets and the final hand-holding on top of the skyscraper did it for me. These guys get it.

After that I followed this new website much more closely. Something called an endurance run of some dumb anime game that I would never play in a million years? Sure, I'll check it out. Persona 4 is now one of my favorite games of all time. A 3 hour long podcast talking about nothing but videogames? Why not, I said. I bring up dumb quotes from the bombcast daily that I'm pretty sure no one but I get. I consumed the content until I was blue in the face. I was homeschooled, with a single mom working all day and all night, every night. No car, no license, all my friends I had moved on and didn't have any cars or interest of their own to hang out with me. This silly little website molded into what my humor and personality is today. Just some dudes on the complete opposite coast of me with their ridiculous videos on video games, with the best-worst puns and humor formed what I am today. Now, I had some say in it too, but this silly website was a definite influence.

I'm not sure what I thought of Ryan in those early days. I loved his back-and-forths with Jeff about obscure Hip-Hop references that eventually led me into being a fan of the genre. It was great having him and Vinny making just the dumbest jokes on the dumbest topics that would make me laugh like a madman. He was abrasive, but jolly. He was aggressive but chill. He was cool, but rude. I never even met the fucking guy, he was a dude that lived on the side of the country that I have never been to and would never have to money to go to anyways. I wanted to go to PAX east or something sometime to see all the guys and their panel but on a college kid's budget that was and will be a pipe dream for a long while. Sure, I followed him on twitter and sent him the best-worst jokes I could come up with to see if I could brighten his day, and every once in a while he responded back with something that made my efforts seem irrelevant. I feel like everyone at this website contributed into what kind of guy I am now, along with other influences. Ryan's no bullshit but jolly humor that the likes of Carlin and Hicks couldn't compete with. Jeff's genius comedic timing that makes me want to try stand up as much as my comedian idols do. Vinny's complete insane humor that can never not brighten someone's day. Brad's mellow but calculated jokes that come in when you least expect it. It was great.

I started being more fun with people. I wanted to make people laugh like the people that made me laugh did. It's a hell of a thing to put yourself out there for the sole purpose of bringing light to someone's dark day, and this silly little videogame website did that - still does that. I started not giving a shit what negative things people thought of me, if I was too abrasive I would try to make them feel more comfortable but without sacrificing who I was. I didn't just want myself to have fun - I wanted others to. I was the guy that made the dumb easy joke that everyone thought they were too 'cool' to laugh at but genuinely loved cracking up to. I was the guy that at a college party instead of being a wall flower and hanging by myself, I got drunk off of the worst whiskey in the world and danced like a complete asshat to Lil'Jon's Get Low. I became a person that wanted everyone in the room to enjoy themselves, and depending on who you ask my attempts fall flat or they fly high.

All this, from some fucking guys in California that I had never met in my life. It's crazy even typing it out, but shit's the truth. I've seen other people write about how when you got Ryan's attention, you felt like you were in some cool kid's club. Even from the dumb jokes I sent on twitter which probably 1 in 200 got through from the time in the Magicka test stream when he bitched me out for telling him the keyboard/mouse controls when they were playing on gamepads, it was a joy. The humor of the many trainwreck streams where Ryan just soldiered on through was something to be seen. It sucks that Ryan's gone, but man the dude had so much goddamn fun. I strive to have as much fun as he had in 1 livestream in my entire life. Rolling with punches, being a complete trooper through shitstorms is something that only this website can do. The complete anarchy of the E3 livestreams, from insane stories and crazy guests and stolen equipment, the motherfucker just went on. Not only did he go on, he made it part of the joke.

I dunno, I never use this website's blog or forums anymore, not due to any particular reason just due to the fact that I'm a watcher/reader. So this seems so out of the blue for me, but I just got on my computer and started typing. I didn't have any bourbon to drink so I smoked a PDR 1878 Cubano Especial in honor of Ryan. I'm not sure if he was a cigar smoker at all, but that's just the way I felt to honor the dude. I'm not a crier, I don't really sob up for anything. Sad movies, sad songs, even some personal shit that arguably should make a robot like me show some emotion I just dealt with it in my own ways. But goddamn, my eyes still hurt after today.

I didn't actually have a plan when I got to my laptop. I just started typing. I guess I should probably stop eventually.

Fuck Ryan Davis.

I just got out of a Starcraft 2 game that made me hate a certain hard-shelled animal. Turtlers. You know them, the RTS guys who don't actually like fighting. They're pacifists in a world of death and destruction all around them. They stay holed up in their little base, making turret upon turret, massing an army Napoleon would be envious of. "Let's add a few of these, a few of these and a few of these" they say while they make the most expensive units in the game, researching the best tech and building every building imaginable. But when it comes to actually fighting they say "No way, man". 
 
Before I say anything else, I just want to make one thing clear. I'm fucking awful at Starcraft. Beyond terrible. I get my ass kicked by dudes in Copper (even though I think they're just Silver players who didn't do very well on their placement matches). I'm not bad as Brad, but I'm still pretty bad. But I want to learn. I watch replays of competent players doing clever things with units I would never use, studying their moves. I watch Day[9]'s stream because he's awesome and knows a FUCKTON about Starcraft. I would like to get better. 
 
Let me set up the scene for you, Protoss vs Protoss on some map I don't remember. I do the usual pylon at 9 and scout his base. Don't see anything out of the ordinary and sneak a pylon in the back of his base for shits and giggles. Fast forward into the midgame and I have the usual 2 expansions and I've scouted him quite a bit. I see a stargate, a TON of cannons and a really strong army protecting the front of his base (sentries, stalkers, zealots, but a shitload of them). So I thought hey, maybe he hasn't protected the back of his base, so I sneak a phoenix in the back of his humble abode and take a look see. No cannons, but that will change.
 
Fast forward to the endgame. I've got quite a big army, with stalkers, zealots, sentries, 2 colossi and a few void rays. I'm feeling pretty good about the situation, thinking hey, what could go wrong? 
 
I bring my shiny new army over to his front door and find 3 Carriers, a MOTHERSHIP, a shitload of sentries, a shitload of stalkers, dark templar, high templar, archons, zealots, EVERYTHING. So I back my ass up out of there and regroup. I get a few more void rays and head back and see if I can get in the back of his base while he's focused on protected his front. No dice. 
 
SUDDENLY, CANNONS! EVERYWHERE!
 
This guy was turtling like hell and I wouldn't be cracking his shell anytime soon. And now he's doing something intelligent, scouting me! Well, he tried. I shoot down is poor little observer, and see the shimmers of his dark templar on the way. You're about 20 minutes late on the scouting, buddy. So while his dark templar are getting killed by my zealot force guarding my front, I move my main army to his front door again. I had a plan. If I could take out his mothership and maybe some of his carriers, that would be a huge economic loss for him. I underestimated him. 
 
Tons of anti-air, everywhere. I was able to take out his mothership and one of his carriers, but the rest of my army fell to his mighty turtley army. While I was building more units at my base, delaying the inevitable, I just wanted to scream "KILL ME! DO IT! YOU HAVE EVERY UNIT IN THE FUCKING PROTOSS ARMY! JUST KILL ME ALREADY", but alas, I opted to do something I still feel shameful for. I ragequit. 
 
I'm not the type to ragequit. I don't like taking video games - entertainment - that seriously. But this happened in a chain of losses from competent players, that actually killed me in a way that I thought was satisfactory. I could learn while watching a replay of someone 2 gate rushing me how I should of countered that. If someone sneaks a proxy pylon in the back of my base, I will be on the lookout for another one in future games. But when someone beats me because I just couldn't take it anymore, I don't like that. I want to get better at this game, watching a replay of some dude turtling me won't help me. 
 
 
On the other hand, what might help me is analyzing what I should have done. Let's think about this for a minute, when I got in there and killed his mothership, what did I do? I stayed there. I took the punishment. I shouldn't have. 
 
If I were to pull my forces back, and build an army to counter his now weakened super army of death, I may have prevailed victorious. But I didn't. I let my void rays fall. I watched my zealots die. I could have pulled back, I could have built a bigger army. I knew he wouldn't attack me, since he hadn't took the imitative and done an offensive push at all in the game. He just scouted, and waited for me to ram my army against his clearly superior army, like He was playing tower defense and he just got to the last wave - me. 
 
I guess it's good to think about that match. I don't blame him, though. I used to be a turtle in other games. I liked the security of my base, being able to push out when I felt I could end the game. But the thing is, you can't turtle in starcraft 2. I've seen better players than me crack a turtle's shell like he was eating a pistachio. Every other match I was killed legitimately, whether it be because I was behind in resources and when my opponent pushed, I was just outnumber. Maybe it was because I wasn't expecting the zerg to get out those zerglings so fast and I had no defense. Maybe it's because I didn't expand. But after watching replays like those, I learned something. I learned what not to do. 
 
I suppose I can say I learned something with this match too. Instead of learning what not to do because I did something bad, I learned what not to do because my opponent did something bad. A player more superior to me would crack him. 
 
All in all, I've calmed down. I have experience against a super turtle, and I hope that knowledge will help me in the future. Turtles still suck, though.
 
 
Also I'm totally just blogging here for that quest, even though I've just written something longer than I have ever written before, I know no one will read this. Cheers.