Fuck Ryan Davis.

Back during the ages when most kids would be going to school hanging out with friends, I wasn't. I couldn't. I was homechooled during the time most people would be in their 8th grade all the way up until I started taking classes at a local community college around the time most people were finishing high school. It left me with a lot of free time, and when I should have been doing Latin homework or some other nonsense, I was on the internet experiencing the specific brand of nonsense it had to offer. I was not a follower of Giant Bomb since the beginning, as I never was a follower of Gamespot and did not listen to the Hotspot until years after I should have. I came across a forum post on Facepunch.com about some dudes livestreaming the end of The Matrix Online and decided it would be a grand way to waste an afternoon. What I saw was nonsense, pure unadulterated bedlam. I loved it, it hit a very specific part of my brain that I didn't think other people had - the love of stupid bullshit. Some dude named Ryan was running around in an incredibly-laggy online game that I think I tried once years back but never put any thought into. Watching the incredible idiocy of Ryan's character getting gunned down at every corner, the dance parties in the streets and the final hand-holding on top of the skyscraper did it for me. These guys get it.

After that I followed this new website much more closely. Something called an endurance run of some dumb anime game that I would never play in a million years? Sure, I'll check it out. Persona 4 is now one of my favorite games of all time. A 3 hour long podcast talking about nothing but videogames? Why not, I said. I bring up dumb quotes from the bombcast daily that I'm pretty sure no one but I get. I consumed the content until I was blue in the face. I was homeschooled, with a single mom working all day and all night, every night. No car, no license, all my friends I had moved on and didn't have any cars or interest of their own to hang out with me. This silly little website molded into what my humor and personality is today. Just some dudes on the complete opposite coast of me with their ridiculous videos on video games, with the best-worst puns and humor formed what I am today. Now, I had some say in it too, but this silly website was a definite influence.

I'm not sure what I thought of Ryan in those early days. I loved his back-and-forths with Jeff about obscure Hip-Hop references that eventually led me into being a fan of the genre. It was great having him and Vinny making just the dumbest jokes on the dumbest topics that would make me laugh like a madman. He was abrasive, but jolly. He was aggressive but chill. He was cool, but rude. I never even met the fucking guy, he was a dude that lived on the side of the country that I have never been to and would never have to money to go to anyways. I wanted to go to PAX east or something sometime to see all the guys and their panel but on a college kid's budget that was and will be a pipe dream for a long while. Sure, I followed him on twitter and sent him the best-worst jokes I could come up with to see if I could brighten his day, and every once in a while he responded back with something that made my efforts seem irrelevant. I feel like everyone at this website contributed into what kind of guy I am now, along with other influences. Ryan's no bullshit but jolly humor that the likes of Carlin and Hicks couldn't compete with. Jeff's genius comedic timing that makes me want to try stand up as much as my comedian idols do. Vinny's complete insane humor that can never not brighten someone's day. Brad's mellow but calculated jokes that come in when you least expect it. It was great.

I started being more fun with people. I wanted to make people laugh like the people that made me laugh did. It's a hell of a thing to put yourself out there for the sole purpose of bringing light to someone's dark day, and this silly little videogame website did that - still does that. I started not giving a shit what negative things people thought of me, if I was too abrasive I would try to make them feel more comfortable but without sacrificing who I was. I didn't just want myself to have fun - I wanted others to. I was the guy that made the dumb easy joke that everyone thought they were too 'cool' to laugh at but genuinely loved cracking up to. I was the guy that at a college party instead of being a wall flower and hanging by myself, I got drunk off of the worst whiskey in the world and danced like a complete asshat to Lil'Jon's Get Low. I became a person that wanted everyone in the room to enjoy themselves, and depending on who you ask my attempts fall flat or they fly high.

All this, from some fucking guys in California that I had never met in my life. It's crazy even typing it out, but shit's the truth. I've seen other people write about how when you got Ryan's attention, you felt like you were in some cool kid's club. Even from the dumb jokes I sent on twitter which probably 1 in 200 got through from the time in the Magicka test stream when he bitched me out for telling him the keyboard/mouse controls when they were playing on gamepads, it was a joy. The humor of the many trainwreck streams where Ryan just soldiered on through was something to be seen. It sucks that Ryan's gone, but man the dude had so much goddamn fun. I strive to have as much fun as he had in 1 livestream in my entire life. Rolling with punches, being a complete trooper through shitstorms is something that only this website can do. The complete anarchy of the E3 livestreams, from insane stories and crazy guests and stolen equipment, the motherfucker just went on. Not only did he go on, he made it part of the joke.

I dunno, I never use this website's blog or forums anymore, not due to any particular reason just due to the fact that I'm a watcher/reader. So this seems so out of the blue for me, but I just got on my computer and started typing. I didn't have any bourbon to drink so I smoked a PDR 1878 Cubano Especial in honor of Ryan. I'm not sure if he was a cigar smoker at all, but that's just the way I felt to honor the dude. I'm not a crier, I don't really sob up for anything. Sad movies, sad songs, even some personal shit that arguably should make a robot like me show some emotion I just dealt with it in my own ways. But goddamn, my eyes still hurt after today.

I didn't actually have a plan when I got to my laptop. I just started typing. I guess I should probably stop eventually.

Fuck Ryan Davis.