I played through a little interactive piece of fiction called Depression Quest quite recently. I had been meaning to play it for a while, but kept forgetting to for whatever reason. I wish I picked it up sooner.

Not to be too dramatic or definite, but it helped me realize a few problems about myself. Things that have been making their presence known more and more the past few weeks. Namely that perhaps my frequent funks of attitude, my swings of emotions, the start-stop with my weight loss, lonely weekend nights where I push my friends away may not be from a desire to just be introverted, but actual depression. It's hard to explain and extremely personal. The internet is a wondrous thing however.

This sucks. It sucks knowing that something needs to be done and not doing anything about it. It's like there's a weight on my shoulders that won't go away no matter what. For a while I thought it was just burn out from school or work or something and would take time off my task to unwind. This only exacerbated the situation as I would become plagued with guilt about not working every second of every day. Then I would think of my friends who seem to have their lives figured out. My friends who can seemingly just make themselves happy whenever they need, who enjoy being around friends all the time and socialize easy. I resent them for that. They control their emotions and I can't. Maybe I shouldn't say 'can't'. This would turn into a spiral of anger and guilt and only result in my wasting of time not doing anything productive for hours and hours on end. I would load up a podcast and just putz around Crusader Kings II or Victoria II or something without paying any attention to both. The mere action of hands on a keyboard was better than sitting and mentally self-destructing. There were books I wanted to read, comrades I should have visited, games that I had time to complete, and homework that needed completing. I didn't do that last year and this year was only a marginal percent better.

It's like I know that if I sit down and force myself to play this game for a few hours I will have fun. I know that, but there's this pit in my stomach that says 'don't you have other more important things to do? What about the gym? Or your readings?' The sad or funny part is that in the end I'd do neither. Too guilt ridden to have fun and too exhausted to do any real work. It's this never ending back and forth where I lose every time. The answer seems so obvious. Just stop acting that way. Have fun, shut my thoughts down and set my nose to grindstone. That doesn't work with me when I'm in a really bad episode or whatever it's called. I can't just make myself think positive or act the right way. The mere thought of labor terrifies and infuriates me. That weight on my shoulder shuts me down and the pit in my stomach grows until it feels like there's nothing left of me.

No future. Making it through the day sometimes is really all I can ask for. Just try and get through without any major problems and it's successful. So much wasted time from this back and forth. Some days are better and I can say that I'm genuinely happy for whatever reason. Some are awful where I look out the window from the covers on my bed and wonder if anyone would care if I just stopped existing. These are rare however, but their very presence is not enjoyable to me.

At least now I know what my problem may be and can think about my next step. Quite honestly, this came out of left field a few months ago. I don't know if it was the harshness of the winter or my job going to complete shit, but my latest funk has been the worst I've ever had and it's still occurring. Looking around me at things in my life I wonder if they're truly mine. If my friends are my own, my family as well. I forget who I am, looking at myself in the mirror I wonder if that's really me. It's like there's this other person in my body going through the motions of my life saying things that I would say and doing things I would do. I don't even know the name of my doctor. I'm terrified of bringing this up with my mother or father. It's a pride thing, the thing that will kill me one day.

This is rambling, but I've penned all I want to say. There's still some more though. That baggage is my own for now. Depression Quest is really good though if you want to know what it may feel like to spend a weekend in alone because a pit in your stomach demands you be alone to wallow in self-pity.