This post is parody and is not intended to offend cite anything as fact. Feel free to join in and post your own reactions to games in 5 words or less!

Burnout Paradise - Awesome for the first week
No More Heroes - A gamer's game
Devil May Cry 4 - Fan service
Super Smash Brothers Brawl - Fan service to the extreme
Lost Odyssey - Best RPG you won't play
GT Prolouge - Best racing sim demo ever
Grand Theft Auto 4 - Stripped GTA we love
Haze - Worst shooter this year
Metal Gear Solid 4 - Overrated game. Great movie.
Ninja Gaiden II - Frustratingly fun
Battlefield Bad Company - Fun distraction from COD 4
Mario Kart Wii - No co-op? Worst. Kart. Ever.
Too Human - 10 years for this?
Fable 2 - Molyneux just stop hyping
Fallout 3 - Oblivion lite with guns
Left 4 Dead - Best game you over-paid for
Little Big Planet - Innovative, fun, soul sucking
Spore - More like bore (har har har)
Saint's Row 2 - What GTA used to be
Gears of War 2 - Bigger, Better, more emotional
Resistance 2 - Fuck single player, 60 players!
Red Alert 3 - Expansion pack imminent....
The Last Remnant - Shit
Animal Crossing: City Folk - Crack for kids and adults
Madden 2009 - *facepalm* more of the same...
NHL 2009 - Madden devs should take a hint
Sonic Unleashed - Stop the fucking gimmicks
Wii-Fit - Too fat? Too bad.

If you have been reading my blog, you might notice that I am in the process of playing The Last Remnant. About 5 hours in to the game and I can safely say this has been one of my most un-enjoyable RPG"s in recent memory. I am not sure if it was fan-hype or Square-enix hype that put this game in the public eye, or maybe it was the worldwide relase, but no matter the cause of it's hype, the game fails on almost every facet to deliver.

If there is one element in gaming these days that I have come to loath, it's linearity. Now I don't mind it in older games, and I don't mind it when it is well executed. But in The Last Remnant, it is more or less a crutch the game leans on. For example, after leaving the first city in an angsty-rage (how original) you travel to the next city. With no clue what you are supposed to do next, you walk around aimlessly until you find a quest giver with a red speaking box over his head. Don't even let me begin how hard it is to find this quest giver to begin with, but anyway, you go to the pub, take his orders and then it's off to the battle location. After completing his quest, he mentions that you should go back to the castle, so I go back to the first town and attempt to enter the castle. No dice, I try again. Nada. I try reloading the game. Nothing. I consulted a guide online, and nothing. After a good half-hour I go back to the second town and realize that I had to speak to a specific guard who will then trigger the event allowing me back to the castle.

Lame. The game couldn't fathom the idea of a player possibly breaking the line of events, or maybe even having a mind of their own. This is just an archaic design element that in 1995 would have been okay, but today its just cumbersome.  I understand having a chain of events, but making it so strict is just infuriating, especially when the game offers no hints as you wander aimlessly.

So far, this game has been horrendous and I've tried so hard to give it the benefit of the doubt. I'm done now.

*sarcasm below*

Animal Crossing...E for everyone...family friendly...full of loving characters willing to help you.

Or are they? This is the first AC game I have ever purchased and while the ESRB rating would lead you to believe this game is part of the Wii's family revolution, let me warn you, it is not. That's right, it is full of horrible horrible hidden messages. Allow me to entertain (hopefully) and expose this game that should be T or maybe even M.

Here's a few of the culprits that make this game more mature than it seems.

Tom Nook aka Capitalist Pig
Upon entering your village for the first time, you are casually greeted by a racoon, Mr. Tom Nook. He's sly, caniving and a loan shark. He offers you a house but then it becomes all too clear, he's really giving you a slave quarters. Nook immediately puts you to work in his story, Nook's Cranny, and bitches about how awful you are. He berates you for speed, quality and worst of all, he's cheap. I realized that Nook wasn't a helpful hand in my Animal Crossing town of "Dogville". No he is the resident Capitalist pig trying to bring down the working class with his fat cat ways. He even uses gimmicks to try and lure you to spend your hard earned bells. Giving you "points," for your purchases, but in the end, we all know what he's doing with that money. Purchasing more houses to "give" to other people starting out in Animal Crossing and then turning them in to slave labor.

KK Slider aka Hippie
The only thing this dog has been sliding is a bunch of doobies. Every Saturday you can have the "privalege" of hearing this dog's music in the Museum basement. I can only assume that he spends the rest of the week getting high and writing more songs with strange beats and animal voices. He's a horrible cross of Enya and a broken Kazoo. Anyone in the town who thinks he is a great musician is probably either A) a groupie or B) high. After listening to Slider play his music, he covertly sneaks his music in to your pockets without asking. What a jackass, what if you went to a concert and the opening act said "hey thanks for listening to us, just so you know, we loaded our EP on to your Ipod's while you were ignoring us." Thanks but no thanks you hippie scum.

Mr. Resetti aka Nazi
Want to end the night, don't really want to save? Well if you so much as dare to hit reset or turn off your system, Mr. Resetti emerges from the ground and give you a "talking to," about your ways. Resetti spends his days underground, watching you eat, sleep and play. When the time comes, he is more than happy to let you have it. Sure he may be trying to help you, but then again, this is America ('Merica in some parts) and in America ('Merica) we have freedom to do what we want without an outside force telling us how to live our lives. So get out of my face Resetti you power-button nazi.

Kapp'n aka Worthless Bum
You know that guy who "used to be someone?" That's Kapp'n, or should we say, bus driver. Yeah apperantly he used to ferry you to your own private island, but now he's been reduced to just driving the city bus. The last time I took a city bus, the driver looked like he wanted to commit suicide. Can't Kapp'n though, talk about a demotion. And to make it worse, he won't shut up about it. Every time you get on the bus, he talks about how he missed out on his glory days. It's like having to take a car ride with Grandpa except you can't turn on the radio. He will regale you with how you shouldn't waste your time which is ironic because with each word that comes out of his mouth, he wastes yours. Maybe instead of spending his dying days was a bus driver, he could make something of himself. I thought the Wii was about trying to promote being the best you can be, not reminding them that one day they could be the shit, and the next, driving the city bus for a bunch of animals.

The Secret Club aka Gay sex palour
It requires 3,000 bells to enter with an invitation. It is in a dark alley way. Let your imagination do the rest.....ew...


So as you can see, AC: City Folk is full of mature themes. WIth that said, the game is awesome!
 

It's been somewhat of a busy gaming week for me. I'm currently playing the titular titles and I have only one week of classes left for the semester. So without further adu, some quick impressions of each game.

Russian war-bears? Tim Curry? Gina Carano? George f-ing Takei? Command and Conquer just seems to get better and better with each installment, and Red Alert 3 is no exception. Three well designed armies with unique units, a decent size campaign for each and then co-op play over PSN/XBL. The only issues I have so far are the lack of multiplayer options and the co-commander A.I. when playing solo.

The console controls are decent, but they seem somewhat cumbersome compared to previous RTS' on the 360. For some reason the developers made it more confusing to group units and the pinwheel selection tool isn't quite as effective as a simple list. While I prefer Red Alert 3's units and story, Tiberium Wars has the better set of controls.

Check it out if your a RTS junkie, but avoid the console versions if your PC can run it. The console versions are fine but honestly, do I need to explain?


How do you follow up the best game in your anime's history? Well you clone it with the next story line arc. If you're looking for any innovation in the newest 360 Naruto game, there isn't much to be found.

Take everything you know about Rise of a Ninja and then apply it to Broken Bond. It's a carbon copy with more characters (some clones) and a few improvements on the past games. One of the big additions though is the ability to play as Sasuke and follow his story which parallels Naruto's. Great news if your a big emo-angsty-Sasuke lover!

A few of the new characters include Akatsuki members Kisame and Itachi (Sasuke's older brother) and they are a blast to play with. You will also be able to control Tsunade, Jiriaya and fellow youngsters such as Shikamaru. The fighting engine is just as simple as the first games, but it's effective. You won't need to spend hours learning the move list and button mashing will make you the victor in more than a few fights. So far it's been a blast but if you're not a Naruto fan there isn't much reason to start playing now. My only hope is that the next game will skip the filler episodes and get right in to Shippuden.

Oh man, let me get started with this one. First off what is wrong with Square-Enix? The kings of JRPG-land seem to have taken a train ride through crap-ville. Now don't get me wrong, Last Remnant is not terrible, but about five hours in to the game, it's nothing special.

You play as Rush Sykes (awful name) who is searching for his sister whom was recently abducted. You wander on to a battlefield and get taken in by the King of the local city and his generals (yeaa.....) after falling in to a cave and revealing you have a hidden power (how original).

Predicatable storyline aside, the combat is unique combining typical JRPG style with strategy RPG elements. One grip is that you don't have total control over what attacks you make. A text box pops up asking if you want to A) Charge, B) Attack, C) Attack with Combat Art or D) Attack with Magic Art. You make your selection and then it's hands-off from there. So if you character unleashes a super attack that deals insane damage, there is no guarentee he will do it next time you make a selectoin. It's kind of a bummer, but at the same time you may be controlling anywhere from 10-20 characters at a given time. It could get pretty hectic selecting individual attacks for each person.

While the combat may be hit or miss with some, the technical issues that plague the game are pretty bad. Constant slowdown is rather annoying and even after installing the game on the HD, the problem wasn't resolved. Some of the textures aren't impressive, but the character models look nice. Sadly some of the characters are downright annoying to the point it's infuriating (looking at you frog people).

JRPG fans might enjoy the game just because it's a JRPG but if you're not keen on the genre, the Last Remnant won't be changing your opinion anytime soon.