Blog Watch: GI Joe: The Movie!

Sitting down to this, I'm sure it's going to be pretty bad. Or at least ridiculous. I just thought I'd post my thoughts as I went through.
 
Opening scene: What the hell kind of accent is that? I think it's Scottish, I guess... I thought the section of "do you have anything else to say before we pass down punishment?" "yes i do!" was kind of funny though. Wearing metal masks of red hot pain on your face is unexpectedly badass though.
-Ah, the 'not too distant future'. A way to keep anything relevant by excluding dates. So even when the future actually looks like Mad Max, it's still the future from THAT, so it's still not there yet! Also see, the year 200x.
-Pointless slowdown count: 1
-Energy weapons are cool. They look pointlessly awesome, especially considering the ship they're being fired from doesn't.
-Those soldiers looks like they have tinfoil for armor. Don't know what kind of cloth that is, but it sparks well!
-Those are probably the best screams possible. It's like falling off a high cliff while being pelted with rocks an given an indian burn.
-SNAKE EYES FROM NOWHERE! GI Joe decided to pop in apparently. Way to be on the ball, assholes, you could have showed up earlier and prevented this movie (why oh why didn't you show up earlier?!)
-Wow, that arrow that just killed that person came from nowhere. Nice it exploded ON HIS FACE!
-Pointless slowdown count #2.
-Way to not kill the enemy, blackgijoeguy (this is where my lack of Joe knowledge is obvious). I'm going to just threaten about killing you because i'm such a NICE GUY.
-Damn, over act as much as possible, eh, Quaid?  Why do they need to state name and rank if he already knows all about them?
-Life like hair and kung fu grip joke. BWEEEOOOOO!!!!
-I'm sure no one's discovered a big metal door in the middles of a desert. No idea how there's no sand inside it when there's lots of it everywhere.
-SO MANY ACCENTS! I thought this was an American movie! I'm scared of other people's culture!
-Knowing is half the battle joke. BWEEEOOOOO!!!!
-In the future, everything's so advanced that even suitcases have holograms.
-Damn it, what IS that accent?! French?! Scottish!? Smarmy rich asshole?!
-GI Joe is a terrible name for any kind of military operation, really. Marines? Navy? Air Force? ...GI Joe. Sexist, too.
-Storm Shadow has the best accent. It's terribly stereotypical. When's he say 'flied lice'? Oh wait, it gets better, never mind. He just looks like he enjoys homosexuality.
-Wow, injected nanomachines magically form the Cobra symbol! So much knowledge that I never knew...
-Knowing is STILL half the battle! BWEEEOOOOO!!!!
-What is with this soundtrack? Aside from suckingness, that is...
-So if it's 4 years later, but in the not too distant future, is it still the future? Not too distant is like a few years so does that set it in the past? Is...is this movie now, then? Or is it more than not too distant and more in the middle-far future? This movie's deep!
-Real American Hero reference! BWEEEOOOOO!!!!
-Real life HUDs are very distracting. I wouldn't be able to do anything with them popping all over like 'hey i'm a giant holo-number!'
-What the hell is Brendan Fraser doing here!? Maybe HE should have been Duke!
-Smart talk from Scarlet! Feelings don't exist because they're not scientific! I get the feeling someone was so proud of that line of dialogue they started masturbating on the spot. Everyone was too scared to tell him it was crap.
-Holograms are annoying. If this teaches me nothing else...it's that.
-Why the hell does no one kill women!? Just make an all-women squad and you're UNSTOPPABLE.
-Wow, Ripcord realized extremely fast that his gun was sliced in half. Almost like he as an actor and he knew it was going to happen...
-Ooh everyone get's matched up with the person who's their equal. Two chicks, two ninjas, and the most pointless use of a suit that causes invisiblity ever.
-So nice Storm Shadow can just magically learn to do that jetpack. Maybe it uses a Mac OS?
-Oh, Mr. President, your ability to read the minds of terrorists is beyond even that of those you pay to do exactly that!
-Damn it, TWENTY years earlier?! That's 16 earlier than 4! And that was already maybe in the past of the future, which would be the present, or maybe the past of the past, or past of the present? The not too distant already happened by now? I didn't want to watch a historical set piece!
-It's nice of the stereotypical Japanese man to force his children to speak English. that way America doesn't have to read (as no one really knows how to read these days).
-When did Ripcord suddenly decide he knew everything? Talk about a random leap of logic that...has apparently gone nowhere so far. And how do they randomly realize that they're going to France? These people truly ARE super geniuses! Oh no, they were wearing Nikes? They must be based under the ocean!
-Standing a mere 2 inches from the building that just exploded is a good way to merely get your face scratched, not severe burns and death. Nice for the war to stop so they could have an emotional moment.
-Oooh! I wanna use lasers, lightning and centrifugal force to make a missile start to whistle and flash happily! 
-"I told you I'd kill him if he touched you!" "I heard you the first time" *look of shock, as though she just expounded equations of compound physics*.
-Yo Scarlet, hit that big ass ramp! *touches curb and flies 15 feet into the air*...even better?
-"Guys, you have to stop them!"..what were they trying to do before that? Running through the streets in accelerator suits to ask for a cup of sugar?
-Wow, that's 2 actual decapitations!
-Pointless slowdown #3!
-Wow, those bullets sparked on the tires! Metal tires?! 
-Pointless slowdown #4.
-Remember, kids, when someone explodes the back of your car, make snarky remarks at the now-dead driver!
-Okay, if you had an energy weapon with apparently unlimited shots, would you use a regular, boring old machine gun? Or would you just shoot that thing and get it over with?
-Pointless slowdown #5
-It's wonderful that Duke jumps into the enemy's wingless helicopter, smacks the killswitch, and then sits back with a smug look on his face so that they can smack his stupid, stupid face.
-Truthfully, I've never seen people fight with nunchucks like they were just swords or something.
-So...looking at a shadow suddenly makes it possible for people to figure out exactly where someone else was when all they know was the person's height and a bit of trigonometry when they don't know the time that this shadow was seen?
-It suddenly occurs to me that the movie states that some events happen 4 years ago. Not 4 years earlier, but ago, which means that it's 4 years before today, so we've finally figured it out! Existential quandary solved!
-REmember when the president was like 'they haven't made any demands! that means they'er going to use the missiles'? Now he's like "they launched the missiles! but they haven't made any demands! what's going on!?" I tink it means he's a dynamic character...
-So there was a floor that was pressure plated...anything larger than a quarter makes it go boom. So somehow Snake Eyes can walk on his hands and that doesn't do anything. Furthermore, there's things on the outside of the chamber that he could have walked on instead... odd...
-OUR SHIPS CAN'T HANDLE FIREPOWER OF THIS MAGNITUDE!!!!
-WHY THE FUCK WOULD SOMEONE MAKE THEIR SHIP ONLY UNDERSTAND CELTIC?! I'll just make sure that no one knows how to fire this missile now, wahaha!
-Why are super weapons so easy to destroy? One man gets disintegrated in the pulse laser engine and it all goes to hell.
-"when our master died you took a vow of silence. Now you will die without a word" So that's what vows of silence mean!
-I fail to see how this is the RISE of Cobra if 1 member is dead, 1 has gone all star-crossed lover for her ex lover, and bad guys never truly win when it's a summer popcorn movie.
-Also, that was a badass transition (a jet was flying and hit a certain position, and the movie immediately cut to the weird submarine in the exact same position. Blink and you miss it). Too bad it didn't cut to anything that would make the movie better...
-Detonate the ice pack!? But i'm using it to cool off my poor aching back...
-Pointless slowdown #6
-Snake Eyes is probably very sweaty. I hope he never takes that suit off...it would be like when you open a grave and the smell of something rotten comes out that you hadn't noticed before.
-Did you know that ice floats? It does this because its density is less than the density of water. To increase the density, though, one must merely explode it! The density raises and suddenly...sinking city.
-Destro looks like a street performer in San Francisco or something who stands around on a box making robot noises and dancing.
-"You and what army?!" is always the very worst thing you can say in any movie simply because...what are you, 6?
-Pointless slowdown #7
-So how is this the rise of cobra if only one is free!? He's only president, I doubt he can really help the other cobra...
-Oh, wow, black eyed peas over the end credits. ick.
 
And i think that sums it up. Better than Transformers 2 at any rate, this one could actually be construed as enjoyable.
I guess...
 
 
 
this is just an edit to remind myself that I should do other blogs, including an argument against embargoes and the idea that Sonic isn't as reliant on speed as everyone says it is.

10 Comments
11 Comments
Posted by Romination

Sitting down to this, I'm sure it's going to be pretty bad. Or at least ridiculous. I just thought I'd post my thoughts as I went through.
 
Opening scene: What the hell kind of accent is that? I think it's Scottish, I guess... I thought the section of "do you have anything else to say before we pass down punishment?" "yes i do!" was kind of funny though. Wearing metal masks of red hot pain on your face is unexpectedly badass though.
-Ah, the 'not too distant future'. A way to keep anything relevant by excluding dates. So even when the future actually looks like Mad Max, it's still the future from THAT, so it's still not there yet! Also see, the year 200x.
-Pointless slowdown count: 1
-Energy weapons are cool. They look pointlessly awesome, especially considering the ship they're being fired from doesn't.
-Those soldiers looks like they have tinfoil for armor. Don't know what kind of cloth that is, but it sparks well!
-Those are probably the best screams possible. It's like falling off a high cliff while being pelted with rocks an given an indian burn.
-SNAKE EYES FROM NOWHERE! GI Joe decided to pop in apparently. Way to be on the ball, assholes, you could have showed up earlier and prevented this movie (why oh why didn't you show up earlier?!)
-Wow, that arrow that just killed that person came from nowhere. Nice it exploded ON HIS FACE!
-Pointless slowdown count #2.
-Way to not kill the enemy, blackgijoeguy (this is where my lack of Joe knowledge is obvious). I'm going to just threaten about killing you because i'm such a NICE GUY.
-Damn, over act as much as possible, eh, Quaid?  Why do they need to state name and rank if he already knows all about them?
-Life like hair and kung fu grip joke. BWEEEOOOOO!!!!
-I'm sure no one's discovered a big metal door in the middles of a desert. No idea how there's no sand inside it when there's lots of it everywhere.
-SO MANY ACCENTS! I thought this was an American movie! I'm scared of other people's culture!
-Knowing is half the battle joke. BWEEEOOOOO!!!!
-In the future, everything's so advanced that even suitcases have holograms.
-Damn it, what IS that accent?! French?! Scottish!? Smarmy rich asshole?!
-GI Joe is a terrible name for any kind of military operation, really. Marines? Navy? Air Force? ...GI Joe. Sexist, too.
-Storm Shadow has the best accent. It's terribly stereotypical. When's he say 'flied lice'? Oh wait, it gets better, never mind. He just looks like he enjoys homosexuality.
-Wow, injected nanomachines magically form the Cobra symbol! So much knowledge that I never knew...
-Knowing is STILL half the battle! BWEEEOOOOO!!!!
-What is with this soundtrack? Aside from suckingness, that is...
-So if it's 4 years later, but in the not too distant future, is it still the future? Not too distant is like a few years so does that set it in the past? Is...is this movie now, then? Or is it more than not too distant and more in the middle-far future? This movie's deep!
-Real American Hero reference! BWEEEOOOOO!!!!
-Real life HUDs are very distracting. I wouldn't be able to do anything with them popping all over like 'hey i'm a giant holo-number!'
-What the hell is Brendan Fraser doing here!? Maybe HE should have been Duke!
-Smart talk from Scarlet! Feelings don't exist because they're not scientific! I get the feeling someone was so proud of that line of dialogue they started masturbating on the spot. Everyone was too scared to tell him it was crap.
-Holograms are annoying. If this teaches me nothing else...it's that.
-Why the hell does no one kill women!? Just make an all-women squad and you're UNSTOPPABLE.
-Wow, Ripcord realized extremely fast that his gun was sliced in half. Almost like he as an actor and he knew it was going to happen...
-Ooh everyone get's matched up with the person who's their equal. Two chicks, two ninjas, and the most pointless use of a suit that causes invisiblity ever.
-So nice Storm Shadow can just magically learn to do that jetpack. Maybe it uses a Mac OS?
-Oh, Mr. President, your ability to read the minds of terrorists is beyond even that of those you pay to do exactly that!
-Damn it, TWENTY years earlier?! That's 16 earlier than 4! And that was already maybe in the past of the future, which would be the present, or maybe the past of the past, or past of the present? The not too distant already happened by now? I didn't want to watch a historical set piece!
-It's nice of the stereotypical Japanese man to force his children to speak English. that way America doesn't have to read (as no one really knows how to read these days).
-When did Ripcord suddenly decide he knew everything? Talk about a random leap of logic that...has apparently gone nowhere so far. And how do they randomly realize that they're going to France? These people truly ARE super geniuses! Oh no, they were wearing Nikes? They must be based under the ocean!
-Standing a mere 2 inches from the building that just exploded is a good way to merely get your face scratched, not severe burns and death. Nice for the war to stop so they could have an emotional moment.
-Oooh! I wanna use lasers, lightning and centrifugal force to make a missile start to whistle and flash happily! 
-"I told you I'd kill him if he touched you!" "I heard you the first time" *look of shock, as though she just expounded equations of compound physics*.
-Yo Scarlet, hit that big ass ramp! *touches curb and flies 15 feet into the air*...even better?
-"Guys, you have to stop them!"..what were they trying to do before that? Running through the streets in accelerator suits to ask for a cup of sugar?
-Wow, that's 2 actual decapitations!
-Pointless slowdown #3!
-Wow, those bullets sparked on the tires! Metal tires?! 
-Pointless slowdown #4.
-Remember, kids, when someone explodes the back of your car, make snarky remarks at the now-dead driver!
-Okay, if you had an energy weapon with apparently unlimited shots, would you use a regular, boring old machine gun? Or would you just shoot that thing and get it over with?
-Pointless slowdown #5
-It's wonderful that Duke jumps into the enemy's wingless helicopter, smacks the killswitch, and then sits back with a smug look on his face so that they can smack his stupid, stupid face.
-Truthfully, I've never seen people fight with nunchucks like they were just swords or something.
-So...looking at a shadow suddenly makes it possible for people to figure out exactly where someone else was when all they know was the person's height and a bit of trigonometry when they don't know the time that this shadow was seen?
-It suddenly occurs to me that the movie states that some events happen 4 years ago. Not 4 years earlier, but ago, which means that it's 4 years before today, so we've finally figured it out! Existential quandary solved!
-REmember when the president was like 'they haven't made any demands! that means they'er going to use the missiles'? Now he's like "they launched the missiles! but they haven't made any demands! what's going on!?" I tink it means he's a dynamic character...
-So there was a floor that was pressure plated...anything larger than a quarter makes it go boom. So somehow Snake Eyes can walk on his hands and that doesn't do anything. Furthermore, there's things on the outside of the chamber that he could have walked on instead... odd...
-OUR SHIPS CAN'T HANDLE FIREPOWER OF THIS MAGNITUDE!!!!
-WHY THE FUCK WOULD SOMEONE MAKE THEIR SHIP ONLY UNDERSTAND CELTIC?! I'll just make sure that no one knows how to fire this missile now, wahaha!
-Why are super weapons so easy to destroy? One man gets disintegrated in the pulse laser engine and it all goes to hell.
-"when our master died you took a vow of silence. Now you will die without a word" So that's what vows of silence mean!
-I fail to see how this is the RISE of Cobra if 1 member is dead, 1 has gone all star-crossed lover for her ex lover, and bad guys never truly win when it's a summer popcorn movie.
-Also, that was a badass transition (a jet was flying and hit a certain position, and the movie immediately cut to the weird submarine in the exact same position. Blink and you miss it). Too bad it didn't cut to anything that would make the movie better...
-Detonate the ice pack!? But i'm using it to cool off my poor aching back...
-Pointless slowdown #6
-Snake Eyes is probably very sweaty. I hope he never takes that suit off...it would be like when you open a grave and the smell of something rotten comes out that you hadn't noticed before.
-Did you know that ice floats? It does this because its density is less than the density of water. To increase the density, though, one must merely explode it! The density raises and suddenly...sinking city.
-Destro looks like a street performer in San Francisco or something who stands around on a box making robot noises and dancing.
-"You and what army?!" is always the very worst thing you can say in any movie simply because...what are you, 6?
-Pointless slowdown #7
-So how is this the rise of cobra if only one is free!? He's only president, I doubt he can really help the other cobra...
-Oh, wow, black eyed peas over the end credits. ick.
 
And i think that sums it up. Better than Transformers 2 at any rate, this one could actually be construed as enjoyable.
I guess...
 
 
 
this is just an edit to remind myself that I should do other blogs, including an argument against embargoes and the idea that Sonic isn't as reliant on speed as everyone says it is.

Edited by dbz1995

I loved this movie. Its a 14 year old imagination of sex. Is that grammatically correct? My mind is at a blank.

Posted by JonathanMoore

It's... just horrible.

Posted by Romination
@JonathanMoore said:
" It's... just horrible. "
@dbz1995 said:
" I loved this movie. Its a 14 year old imagination of sex. Is that grammatically correct? My mind is at a blank. "
It's amazing that my only two comments are the exact opposite ends of the spectrum, while i'm more in the middle... interesting *marks results for further social experimentation*
Posted by ZeForgotten

As a mediocre action flick.. It's alright. 
As a G.I Joe movie, it should die a slow and painful death. With bunnies.. eating cats.. 

Posted by Hailinel

All I can say about the movie is that it didn't rape my childhood as painfully as it could have.  At least it used lube first.

Posted by Romination

yeah, it's basically not terrible, but not great.

Posted by GunstarRed

I dunno I was thoroughly entertained... It was about as stupid as the Joe cartoons. It amuses me that  while film/game/entertainment  websites seemed to throw a bunch of abuse at it a lot of the G.I.Joe fansites really embraced and enjoyed it.... 
 
theres an episode in the cartoon where timberwolf dresses like boy george.....
Posted by Romination
@marioncobretti: That's probably the biggest problem then, I don't really have much fondness in my memory for GI Joe. I got nothing in my heart for it because I had the Game Boy Donkey Kong game and I didn't need anything else until I discovered Pokemon
Edited by CitizenKane

I have yet to watch this movie and don't intend to any time soon.  Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen was enough to satisfy my horrible-over-bloated-budget summer flicks.

Posted by deusdigit

I Didn't care for the movie mainly due to the horrible dialogue. But they did a great job dressing up Joseph Gordan Levitt as The Doctor.