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Sarumarine

Brad Shoemaker is a crystal lizard fiend.

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Professional Jerks: Characters You Love to Hate

A character who acts like an asshole is not a foreign concept to video games. Usually they're villains because they're so mean and petty they can't help themselves. But every now and then you come across characters who have perfected the art of being a total asshole. These are characters who commit atrocities with such enthusiasm and style that you can't help but admire their complete shamelessness. It feels damn good to hate them.

And the most important quality of a professional asshole: They never get their comeuppance. They have made karma their bitch, and no matter how badly you want to bring them to justice they skate on by.

Oh yeah, there will be spoilers.

List items

  • Roy Earle (from L.A. Noire) gets the top spot for giving me the inspiration to make this list. This crooked Vice cop bends the rules to buy expensive, terrible looking suits and red convertibles. He hits his women like he hits his night clubs: HARD. And he'll betray his partner for personal gain then turn around and perform a eulogy when the man dies.

    Like any great asshole, he avoids justice like a pro.

  • Waylon loves the apocalypse in Days of Ruin because he can finally admit the only thing he cares about is himself. He also loves fast planes, a slick pompadour, and a nice pair of shades. If a life of luxury is involved he'll execute any unarmed prisoner, chase down the better man, or flaunt any air force for petty reasons. Don't forget his catch phrase, "brother man" cause it's time for "Waylon to do some wailin'!"

    While good men die, Waylon flees to see another day. Like a boss.

  • Reaver is immune to karma. His list of crimes is extensive but he makes himself so useful that he can get away with anything. When he becomes a captain of industry in Fable III and a valuable member of the new King or Queen's court, he profits no matter what you do. It's not clear which way he swings, but the man can wear one mean top hat.

    Reaver goes the extra mile of not only avoiding punishment, but profiting from it.

  • Croco looks like a purple crocodile but talks like a 20's gangster. His hobby involves stealing from people who look like clouds and mugging plumbers. When he's not being an asshole, he sells decent items in the second to last dungeon like nothing happened. They also say he wears crocodile skin shoes and has no shame. All of these things are true.

    You might beat Croco up a few times, but he's still making a profit when everything is said and done.

  • The man with a pale face loves to make other people miserable. Whether it's destroying serene beaches (just because he can) or steamrolling villages with tanks (just because he can) or berating his subordinates (just because he can), it's clear that Adder will only be happy when everyone else isn't. That's why his lose portrait is one of the best in Advance Wars 2.

    But no matter how slimy Adder is, he escapes into the night to be a jerk whenever he resurfaces.

  • He might not be as villainous as the others on this list, but he's just as annoying. Tingle acts as a support character while making a mint off Link in several Zelda games. He goes as far as enslaving four other guys in Windwaker, dressing them like himself, and charging insane amounts of money to translate some crappy maps. What an asshole.

  • Dalton might come off as comic relief but the man knows a thing or two about being an asshole. When the magical kingdom of Zeal is deep sixed by Lavos, he takes to the skies like a king. He puts weapons on a time machine and lives to see another day when Chrono's friends take him out.

    The real kicker is that a bonus dungeon credits Dalton with starting a war that will kill the central characters of Chrono Trigger. Him. This guy. He actually one ups characters who can slay space parasites from nowhere.

  • Advance Wars seems to have a habit of including at least one asshole for each game. In Dual Strike, you get to know the high class but extremely vain Kindle. Why is she such a jerk? Because she wants to be beautiful forever even if it means reducing the land to dust. If her gratuitous French doesn't get you, her brutal CO powers that turn cities into slaughter houses will.

    A big a bitch as she is she gets away in the end, presumably to resume her posh lifestyle with a robot and a kabuki actor as servants.

  • Supposedly man's best friend, this dog loves nothing more than to taunt people who aren't good at shooting ducks. Never mind you're playing as the dog's owner who has the power over life and death as far as he's concerned. And even though you're armed with a weapon in the game, no amount of head shots will ever make their mark. The dog will always get off scot free.

  • Long Feng is a man who loves power. He prefers the "man behind the man" method of controlling things while passing himself off as the trusted advisor of a naive king. On top of using a secret police force to oppress an entire city 1984 style, he kills one of the teenage protagonists in the console version of Burning Earth and never answers for any of it. Slick.

  • Blake is one of the worst fictional police officers I've ever seen in a game. He makes Roy Earle seem high class with an itchy trigger finger, eagerness to put just about everyone behind bars, a total disregard for evidence or police work, and a rotten attitude no matter what he may be doing. And karma never comes calling for him. What an asshole. How does he do it?
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