By SathingtonWaltz 3 Comments
Just to inform you all, I have absolutely no musical training or experience. I don't know how to play any instruments, and I can't read musical notes or anything. I'm thinking about taking some classes though...
XBOX 360: Pros
Movies are a wondrous thing, aren't they? They can inspire, anger, delight, or depress people. Merely a sequence of very fast moving still images that look awfully similar to the image directly before it, movies have dazzled a-many. But what i'm really going to be talking about are bad movies, and not just movies like The Strange Brew, movies that are actually kind of funny and quasi-watchable. I'm referring to the worst of the worst that are unwatchable in anyway, despite proper film techniques and budget. Obviously the worst movies ever made are ones that aren't lit well or the acting is so sloppy or other such bad that it doesn't even register as a movie. But i'm talking about movies that are completely visible, cost a lot of money to make, and lost a lot of money to show.
In this rant i'll be referring to a lot of bad movies in particular. You've probably heard me talk about some of them, but i'm not going to tell you about which ones they are yet, because I don't want to ruin the fun :P LOLLLERRERZ!!!111!!11!!!one one.
The main reason bad movies extremely irritate me is that for a movie to become a movie, very many amounts of people have to think that the idea of the movie is good. I am going to discuss the entire process of making a movie, and in between I shall pour steaming hot feces on these bad movies i was referring to earlier. But feces would actually make the movie better, wouldn't it?
Step one in creating the movie is of course, the idea, the script, called screenwriting. This is where the trailer for Blades of Glory lost me. Right when I saw Will Ferrell and Jon Heder figure skating together I had a time paradox. I wondered exactly where I was when that script was handed from the screenwriter to the film industry rep and the screenwriter actually said "Hi, this script is a good idea and totally not flaming idiotic crap." with a straight face, so i could go back in time and kick the screenwriter's teeth in. With a chainsaw. That's on fire. Just as a side note, Jon Heder, in case you don't know, is best known for his lead role in the popular movie Napoleon Dynamite. And just a hint for you Jon, stop making movies. Napoleon Dynamite should have been your last movie. I mean come on, Benchwarmers? What is wrong with you? That was like the worst idea since Gigli, and I'm afraid that I am actually kinda leaning towards Gigli on this one. At least there are people that were in Gigli that can get laid. And that's the only good thing i'll ever say about Gigli because i'd lean toward Gigli and then lean and fall the other way right onto a bed of spikes. Covered in acid. That are on fire.
So once a script is written, it has to be pitched. I have personally pitched an idea to a studio, and I can personally tell you, pitching a good idea is really tough. This step is what lost me on Kangaroo Jack, the horrible horribleness of putting a jacket with $50,000 in it on a kangaroo and chase it around for 45 minutes. I'm pretty sure in the real world if I pitched the Kangaroo Jack screenplay to real life humans, about 14 seconds into the pitch I'd have knife filled acid covered sticks of dynamite thrown at me by everyone. And yes, they'd be on fire too. The people, not... the... nevermind.
Then budgeting occurs. This is where a production company belts out all the cash and designates set costs, actor's pay, lighting costs, film equipment costs, etc. I just want to state right now that way too much money is spent on movies. Actors whine about not being paid enough to pretend to be someone else who may or may not be real. But obviously, it's not real. Waah waah waah, whiners. I pretend to be people all the time, like how i pretend to be a 5 year old boy when i'm IMing Michael Jackson. But I find that the best actors are people that aren't pretending. I mean how could you get better than Keanu Reeves playing Ted in Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure? Keanu Reeves is an airhead anyway. And what better directing is "just be yourself." It's easier on everyone. And easy is good for dumb people. Which is the target audience of movies like this.
Then there's casting, which is where I'll bring up my little favorite of these horrible, horrible movies, Gigli. Well, again. So what more can I say about the worst movie of 2003? There's just so many times you can beat a dead horse that's on fire. I'm not saying the casting was bad because they did a bad job acting. Don't get me wrong though, the acting was horrible. Well, from what I saw from the trailer, of course. I'm referring to the extreme misfortune of having to be in this movie. I'm talking about something like casting John Wayne as Genghis Khan. Just to have your name tied to Gigli is like being tied to a shark. That is made up of billions of tiny sharks. That's on... well, you know.
Then it's rehearsing, set building, and location scouting. Since this is the boring part I have nothing funny about, I'm gonna talk about something that's been bothering me for a long time now, which is The Hills Have Eyes. The Hills Have Eyes is the movie from 1977 about the family of miners that would eat and kill people that pass by. This was a horrible, horrible carcinogenic movie. It gave me cancer. And when I heard it was being remade, I hated myself just enough to go see it AGAIN. Some of you reading have seen it with me. The fact that it's a remake automatically made it -infinity in terms of movie quality. So of course, it's an insanely idiotic piece of movie. I'm surprise the atoms that made up the film didn't go on strike. You'd have to be a nuclear mutant to like this movie. Which, oddly enough, I think is the target audience too. I can only imagine what this sequel, an ORIGINAL idea, is gonna be like. I'm sure my face will peel itself off of my head just from watching it. It'll be that bad.
So anyway, next is the actual production, the filming. The proverbial "fun stuff". This is the most expensive part of the filmmaking, which for some reason is one word. Film making. The space bar will be phased out by 2010. Iftheearthisaroundthatlong. Trust me. That's the last revelation before the second coming.
"And thy space bar shalt cometh forth and dissipate in the winds"
Yea, I really had nothing to talk about with actual production.
Post-production is next, where i could potentially get a job, editing, special effects, etc. This stuff is really great and can easily be messed up. I mean come on, Ben Affleck still shows up in movies. He's like that microphone you see coming from the top of the screen. Modern film techniques have gotten better at editing Ben Affleck out of movies, which may explain why I haven't seen him in any movies in a while. Maybe if someday someone will just edit Paris Hilton, Trace Adkins and William Hung out of real life, they should get an oscar for best editing. I'd forge an oscar out of real gold myself to give to him. On fire. What?
Finally your heap of turd movie is finished and released. The distribution process, where trailers are made, commercials, posters, where the actual movie is released in cinemas where it crashes horribly on it's opening weekend, and other such destructive delusions of actual quality work. So let's tally up the actual people that have to like your crappy, crappy, movie idea shall we?
1-3 = script writers
1-4 = film industry reps/executivess
1-7 = main cast members
15 = director, executive producer, key grip, key grasp, best boy, Best Buy, etc.
20 = editor, visual effects teams, Photoshop masters, 3D guys
Wow. That's like 38 - 44 stupid people in charge of entertaining you when they have no idea what you like or what your interests are. Sounds like a pretty shady deal to me. This is one of those bad times where money is in fact, evil. "Blood" money that allows movies like The Hills Have Eyes of Blades of Glory to continue to exist and poison our culture and existence.
Finally as a homework assignment, I want all of you to think about this.
Blades of Glory was the best they could do.
Imaging the horrors of scripts that weren't as good as Blades of Glory.
I'm scared. And you should be too.
For those of you who know me, I despise idiots, despite almost constantly talking about them and how dumb they are. There are multiple levels of idiot, and I urge you lesser degrees of it and not step over the bounds of the worst kind of idiot, "hurt yourself and others idiot". I'm going to be talking about an idiot of this caliber today, and not only hurts himself and others, but hurts others of whom the others of him that he doesn't even know gets hurt. Yes, that's right i'm talking about Jeffrey Atkins, the hip hop "artist", the word artist being loosely based in the extremest fashion. But you would probably better know him by his stage name, "Ja Rule". The name Ja Rule comes from "J A" being his initials, and the "Rule" part coming from him being a narcissistic fuckface. You see, Ja Rule is a complete douchebag moron, but not the kind of douchebag moron that say Tom Cruise or Captain Crunch is. Captain Crunch may turn little children into his cereal in his commercial to taunt the police, but at least his cereal tastes good. I had no idea children's ground up bodies held such sugary goodness. Such is not the case with Ja Rule however, he is an anomaly. Ja Rule is the only idiot on the planet that I have ever seen that not only destroys himself, but destroys people that know the people he knows that other people know, sheerly because he himself is dumb. This all may be coincidental, but I have a theory of how it is in fact his dumbosity, not separate mishaps, that spreads to other people and cause them great misfortune in what I have dubbed "The Ja Rule Effect".
You see, when Ja Rule was just a rookie assclown, he hooked up with Irv Gotti, the major record producer and became the frontman of his record label, "Murder Inc." Now i'll ignore the obvious red flags that a name like Murder Inc. brings up, and go on to say that ever since Ja Rule's terrible albums have been released year after year, I've imagined that being Hellen Keller would have to be better than listening to his incessant idiotic rambling. So by releasing his big load of sperm on his third album, "Pain is Love" he began collaborating with the latin american singer you all know, Jennifer Lopez.
She was the first (If you don't include Ja Rule himself) to catch the Ja Rule effect. She collaborated with him on remixes of her songs, "I'm Real" and "Ain't It Funny". Well, it's not very funny to me. Her first album "On the 6" was spectacular in my opinion and was a very promising beginning to her career. In an unfortunate time when I just happen to be about 13 when Britney Spears and Christina Aguilera came out on the abomination known as "TRL" Jennifer Lopez was the shining ray of hope of my complete and utter loserness. But I've grown out of that now and can look back and laugh. Then cry. And it's almost like Jennifer Lopez's career was shoved into the toilet by Ja Rule. So not only would her music career tank, but her marriages also. Ja Rule is cancer. So while Ja Rule is making his shitty records (six to date), Jen Lope is getting dumped left and right by her second marriage to backup dancer Cris Judd, and then she hooked up with our next poor, unsuspecting victim of the Ja Rule Effect, actor Ben Affleck.
J Lo met B Fleck on the set of the movie "Gigli". You all know Gigli. You may not have seen it but Gigli has been heralded "THE WORST MOVIE EVER MADE". Hellen Keller must be really laughing in her grave now. You can try to download Gigli on Limewire or something, but I'm pretty sure no one would have a copy or even admit they ever had a copy of Gigli. And even if someone had the Gigli data, I'm sure it's worse than any virus that you can accidentally catch while looking at the goat porn you love so much. And you DO LOVE IT, because the russians want you to. And furthermore, good luck finding a DVD software that doesn't refuse to play Gigli. But enough about that, the post-Gigli era for the two have been disastrous. Affleck is a terrible actor anyway, but before he had the priveledge of accidentally being in some pretty good movies like "Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back" and "Phantoms". But now he's just in utter dog shit such as "Jersey Girl" and "Elektra".
As all of this is going on, we venture back to Ja Rully Rule, and his albums are at a record low, Murder Inc. tanks, and it turns out that 50 Cent has won this battle. 50 Cent (I will probably never learn why he used this name) has been feuding with Rule for years because Ja Rule is a faker. And I take 50's side on this battle. Ja Rule is a faker. He grew up in a nice rich suburb in Hollis, Queens, New York City, and he pretends to have "street cred" by rapping about killing people and such. Now I recently discovered that 50 cent was not in fact shot 9 times, but shot at 9 times. Only 3 of the bullets hit him. 50 cent is a liar and also an idiot and even he knows to hate Ja Rule. 50's songs "Back Down" and "Wanksta" deeply illustrate how Ja is a faker and a loser douchebag moron idiot fucktard assclown. But Ja will be laughing in his grave when he dies (I wager to be very soon by the way) because of this Ja Rule Effect.
This trend will most likely continue as long as all of the aforementioned people are still alive, and I'm sure it won't be long until I catch the Ja Rule Effect from someone and have a hive of african killer bees get accidentally glued to my penis and have squirrells explode out of my face repeatedly. And it will be assured that I'll live through all of it, as to add to my pain and horror.
I walk through life and always wonder who actually thought that a black highlighter or a helicopter ejector seat was a good idea and how the fuck they sleep at night without choking on their pillow. It's that kind of person that makes me want to puke right into my own asshole. You know, I get up in the morning and succumb to the fact that I'm definitely going to run into this kind of person every single day.
Him-Dude, you know what sucked earlier today?
So I was recently playing Super Smash Brothers with my friend Jonathan and getting beaten as usual. You see, Jonathan is what I like to call a "that guy". You know, that one guy thats ridiculously better at a game than everyone else? The one guy that causes people to quit a tournament once they find out that "that guy" is going to be there? The guy that everyone loves to throw remarks such as "You have no life" at behind their backs? Well, Jonathan is a "that guy" at Smash Brothers.
Use your keyboard!
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