By Sparky_Buzzsaw 4 Comments
Snarky here with your weekly dosage of coma-inducing funtasms, bringing it to you raw and dirty! This week I tell like it is, fool, with my look at the latest game to storm the nation - Let's Ballet, as well as my 11 Favorites of Everything Super-Omega Grand Poobah List.
I'll Ballet You Into the Grave, Mofo!
I'll be the first to admit, I hate ballet except when it's performed by hookers and porn stars. Seriously, you have not seen Swan Lake until you've seen Jenna Jameson and Tera Patrick up there shaking their money-makers. It's divine. So that's why I approached Newvie Soft's latest effort "Let's Ballet" with a great deal of skepticism and quite a bit of Jack Daniels.
Let me get this out of the way right now - this game will undo your belt, unzip your trousers, drop your boxers, and give you the greatest virtual blowjob you've had since Zork. It's that good. You will want to stick your dick in this game. I'm getting wood just thinking about it.
Let's Ballet is a classic example of virtual poetry. The graphics are easily on par with anything we've seen this generation (good luck getting it to run on your Amiga - these are SVGA graphics for realz). The fact that it requires the Wii balance board, the 360's controller, and the PS3's Blu-Ray remote all duct-taped together into one perfect gangbang of controllers might intimidate you, but don't worry. There are step-by-step instructions written on scraps of paper inside along with a free roll of duct tape to help you along. I highly recommend adding the optional Virtual Boy support. It just makes the game that much more in your face, which is what we all want as gamers. Well, that, and Olivia Munn dipped in caramel hopping up and down on a trampoline with a Popsicle in each hand, but that's just a given.
The game plays like a cross between Pitfall and Battlefield Bad Company 2, except with obvious ballet influences. You'll swoon to the music selections, too. Tchaikovsky (or as I like to call him, Tchai T) never sounded so amazing as when it's being performed with nothing but cowbells and Britney Spears doing vocals. I thought the addition of the snare drum to the proceedings was a bit risque, but like I said earlier, I'm not a professed fan of the ballet in general.
If I were to give Let's Ballet a rating, it would be "fucking awesome" out of 10 stars. You won't regret dropping the $2000 bones on this game. Look for it on store shelves anywhere malt liquor and pork grinds are sold.
Top Eleven EVER!
11. Vienna Sausages - You can add this shit to anything and make it delicious. I mixed them with motor oil, a deck of cards, some grass clippings from '02, and some Mad Dog, and boy howdy, was it delicious!
10. Cheap hookers - I love you, ladies, but I'm paying you to leave.
9. The taste of pennies - Oh, man, I could lick pennies all day. And sometimes I do!
8. People who make little commentaries at every possible moment during commericals, shows, and movies - I really respect your every opinion on every little thing you see. Seriously, I wish you'd talk every time some little thought pops in your head because it's pure gold every time.
7. The number 7 - It's a wacky, fun-living number. Definitely my favorite, and a hell of a lot better than that sneaky bastard 82.
8. Steroids - The magic little pills that could! I love to take them before I hit McDonald's so I can feel pumped up and energized when I'm slamming down six Big Macs.
7. Using "frak" in real conversations - Nothing nerdy or incredibly stupid about it!
6. Granny panties - I don't know why more porno doesn't feature these delectable underwear of choice. Ladies, don't just wear these when you're feeling lazy or at the point in a relationship when you no longer give a damn what your man thinks! Wear 'em all the time, says I!
5. 99 Bottles of Beer on the Wall - Best. Song. Ever. That's my joint right there!
4. Parents screaming at screaming children - Music to my ears!
3. Glittery vampire movies and novels - Because what the world needs right now is more blatantly homoerotic vampires. Death to masculinity!
2. Me - I'm awesome.
1. My schlong - Even more awesome than me? Little me!
What You Should Be Reading Instead of This
I hear there's a name circulating amongst the Biant Gomb faithful, someone loved and admired by all who converse with him. His words flow with grace and rhythm practically unheard of in this day of OMG's, WTF's, and "holy shit, did that guy's head just explode?" witticisms. His name? You know it. You love it. Sparky.
Happy April Fool's, bitches!