Lately I've felt there's a hole in my life which I can't fill. I've been going through a hard time lately and nothing seems to be getting better; the problems last year, big as they were, were easy to understand and move past. The problems this year however have been seemingly smaller, but far more complex and harder to resolve. They linger on, a taunt to me, suggesting all my maturity in the last few years has faded. I feel like a child in the face of them and like maybe I'm not ready for this life.
Nothing I'm doing is filling this hole I feel. And it IS there, day in and day out. I seem mostly normal on the outside, but deep inside I can feel it, pushing on my lungs and heart, a constant frog in my throat yearning to just escape. I'm caught in this never-ceasing loop of performing mediocre activities as I drift slowly throughout my life. Is anything I do even important? I'll never accomplish everything I hope to. Life will never give me everything I desire. There is not time enough for it all.
And what is this, this work, this activity, this club, this movie to watch, this game to play, this book to read, this meal to eat? Do they even mean anything at all? What is the point of them? What is the point of life? It seems the point of it is to just disappoint. To do as much as you can in the fleeting time you have but regret everything you didn't do. To feel heart ache and feel you are mature enough to handle it, only to realize you are not. To drift and slide without any knowledge of what it is you do that is of real importance.
If I knew there was another life, I would be happy. If I knew there was enough time to everything I want to. If I knew it was all going to turn out okay, then I'd be happy. But it's not the way it is. And it never will be.
I added a person to my friend's list today. It's the shortest friendship I've ever had - within 5 hours he'd removed and blocked me, for seemingly no reason. Now it shouldn't hurt me. I mean sure he was cool and we got on and had played before through various other friends, but it shouldn't really hurt should it? Well it does! Which is something I can never understand.
I genuinely hate being deleted. Even if I haven't talked to the person in years, if I know that at one time, we were good friends, I'll never delete them, and in a way I expect the same. I keep a log of all my friends on my computer JUST so I can see who deleted me and then call them up and ask why and try to get them back. They feel like real friends to me and I try to be the best friend to them as I can too. It's a curse and a blessing to me, but in the end, when stuff like this happens it really does annoy me. I mean delete me, but don't block me. Or at least say you have.
So what do you think? Do you feel that online friendships are equal to real life or at least more evolved than mere anonymous flings? Do you get hurt when someone deletes you? Even if you were good friends? Even if you did nothing wrong? Have you ever tried to get a friend back or do you just let them go? Let me know your thoughts.
Thanks for putting out the Crash Course DLC for only 240 MS! That's awesome! However, could you please find me some people to play with on it which aren't a) retarded b) terrible c) betrayers d) quitters e) scaredy cats f) all of the above. And while you're at it, if you DO happen to put me in a team with these people, could you make sure that the opposition aren't a) really, really good b) c*ck suckers c) glitchers d) outnumbering us e) all of the above. Cheers!
And in regard to your achievements, I just wanted to thank you for resetting my zombie kills and mounted machine gun kills to zero so that I now have wasted several days getting those pointless kills and am now assured to never get those achievements. And thanks also for making it so that I cannot get private Versus achievements with a second controller, thus making me play with aforementioned team mates and opponents. You really have showed me how much you care for me.
Keep up the good work my love!
Regards,
Spawn Man.
Dear Left 4 Dead 2,
Left 4 Dead 2. What can I say my friend? Where can I begin? Thank you so very very much for basing a game predominantly on multiplayer action, and yet every time I search for a game online, you refuse to let me join it. I can only assume it is because you care deeply for me and that you don't want my heart broken in an online game. I understand now why you keep me from enjoying online multiplayer, so thank you. Very much.
In the same vein, thank you again for basing the majority of your achievements around multiplayer games. Without being able to access multiplayer and thus not unlock them, you have taught me to finish my other games more fully in order to get my gamerscore up. Thank you for teaching me so much!
And like my other lover, Left 4 Dead, thank you for making sure I can only unlock the bare minimum of achievements on my own with a second controller. You obviously want to tease me because you actually are red hot my love. And I am for you. But I suppose it will never be for the three of us. A mere fling. I can only give my heart to games which give me all of them, not a bit.
Forever yours,
Love,
Spawn Man.
P.S. Qualified ride? What is up with that my love? I rode a full health survivor until he died, and yet it was only 9 seconds until that happened? How can I go a full 12 seconds for you my love if you make this impossible? Do you not love me too my love?
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I barely made it to university today after spending over 2 hours playing Halo Reach last night. I foolishly decided I'd start a campaign mission on Legendary solo, in hopes of eventually unlocking the 'Monument to all your sins' achievement. Starting it only an hours before I had to sleep was a big mistake, so things were already looking bad for me, even if I didn't notice it myself.
I chose the level Nightfall on a whim and began. Holy f*ck the allied AI is terrible! Jun could barely kill grunts! And he'd stick so friggin' close to me that he'd attract all the elites to kill me. I was forever trying to push him off ledges to actually engage some enemies, but he just came straight back up like a retarded dog playing fetch. "No piss off Jun! Go away!" And then that was usually followed by the sound of an angry elite zealot. "Look Spawn Man! Look who I brought to play! He seems nice!" And then said elite kills me. Every. Single. Damn. Time.
So I barely scraped through it with Jun's piss-poor attempts at sniping, dying at least a bazillion times. Once I got the whole quick sniping down to a fine art, I could handle most of the lesser elites. So everything was looking up! I was super tired by this point because I'd been at the game for nearly 2 hours. I reached the point where you have to defend Jun from hunters etc while he sabotages the spire/pylon thingy and was relieved because I knew the end was near.
So I defend him and head off. I die a few times at the next phase and think of using Jun as a distraction while I snipe everyone else. Then I realize Jun ISN'T EVEN THERE! I search everywhere for him. Eventually I find him. AT THE BOTTOM OF A F*CKING CLIFF!! I try everything to get him to come back up, but he just sits there. Why the hell isn't he teleported back up to the top? Especially since I can't jump down there without dying. A hunter must of pushed him off - and since he's not a killable character, he doesn't die. So why hasn't Bungie thought of fixing this since there's no railing next to the pylon and hunters are notorious for punting humans across the place.
Another half hour and I pushed through it. I did have a minor melt down after realizing I just wasted 2 hours of my life and now would have to use every inch of my limited skill to finish the campaign. I threw a cardboard box at my floor and it gave me a huge paper cut on my thumb webbing, so I had to play the last sections with one and a half hands. Luckily, I found the wonders of the plasma pistol! And with that gem, which I wish I had remembered SOONER, I finally managed to finish the level.
All I have to say is crap. Holy crap. Legendary solo is going to be maarveelousss.... Sigh. : (
Well after saying I wouldn't upgrade for a while, I'm thinking of buying one of the new Slim Xbox 360's and giving my old Xbox to my dad, so we can play together. Since he's a wannabe gamer too... So, is there a way I can transfer all my old account details (Achievements, game saves, DLC, videos, game history etc etc) to the new Xbox without altering anything?
Secondly, could the new Xbox and the old one play together offline without a system link cable? IE, in separate rooms?
And would I have to buy arcade games and DLC again for the old Xbox if my dad wanted to play them? For example, I have Limbo. I transfer that (if possible) with my account to the new Xbox. Would my father be able to play that arcade game on his own account (obviously not with my stats etc) then or would he have to buy his own copy? Obviously this only counts for arcade games, not physical disc copies, since he can just insert the disc for that.
Before you start flaming, I haven't gotten too far into the game, but like you, I'm allowed my first impressions. First of all, there are some features which I like! The new forge tools and objects are awesome, as well as the graphics and some features. But for me, there is a heck of a lot wrong!
Firstly, I love forge mode. However! They got rid of the push/pull object feature! Honestly, WTF? You couldn't screw up forge if you tried, and yet they have! Instead of pulling/pushing the object away from you, you now only can move the camera! What's the point of that? Secondly, the BMR! Worst weapon ever! In all the Halo games I've played, the BMR is the absolute WORST weapon I have used. The problem is the expanding crosshair. With the BR you could basically snipe people across the map with it *Burst, burst, burst*. Now, you have to wait for the crosshair to close again and long range battles just aren't the same! Instead of fast paced combat it's more, *Burst, wait, Burst, wait, Burst, wait, Burst, wait, Burst*. And that's if you actually manage to hit your target all those times. And i guess it's not really a burst any more since it's a single shot.
If it wasn't for the forge sh*t and expanding crosshair I think I wouldn't have as much of a problem with the game as I do, even with other minor problems such as over-powering jetpacks and lack of sufficient quitting penalties. So the game which is supposed to be my favourite for a while, is now my most frustrating. I might get used to it, but so far it is not anywhere near what I expected. Maybe once I play through more of the campaign and get used to the controls a bit better I'll warm up to it.
Why did I have to pre-order Halo Reach at a store SO far away from my bus route? Now I have to wait until Saturday before I can get a ride with someone to get it! Listening to everyone I know go on about how awesome it is - well it's driving me crazy! I cannot WAIT to get my hands on the game, but primarily for the new and improved Forge mode. If you are my friend, you know that I would've spent about 1,000,000 hours playing in Forge, creating castles, mazes and other cool maps (which were actually quite popular!) and to hear all the new features in Reach's Forge is so good to hear. The number of hours I'd spend rotating walls perfectly and still screw them up some how is endless.
CANNOT WAIT! Forget my university assignments, I wanna play all week!
Gosh! Going through a major achievement slump here people! How else am I going to make my life feel meaningful without that little beep and pop up every time I do something in a game? My life is so devoid of feeling accomplished and respected and significance that the numbers beside my gamertag are the only thing keeping me from the edge!
Basically what I'm trying to say is "WHY ARE YOU SO DAMN EVIL LIMBO AND WHY AREN'T YOU UNLOCKING SERIOUSLY...?" 12,000 kills in Gears of War and still no Seriously... and I'm stuck on Limbo. Again. So tiring having to go ALL THE WAY DOWNSTAIRS to look on the YouTube walkthrough! I'm so desperate to finish both of them and get some other achievements, because there really is some truth to my first paragraph. I dunno, it makes me feel kinda special unlocking something. Lord knows no one else appreciates me.
I was up until 6:30 am last night and I'm writing now at 11 am the same day. Suffice to say I'm tired and a wreck. This will be one of the only off-topic blog posts I write, but it was inevitable because I have nowhere else to talk.
Yesterday was a disaster for me. A business client shafted me, a friend ditched me and then, I got demoted. I help out at a local youth centre, running activities etc. I've been there a while but haven't been progressing up the ranks as much as I'd have liked. The other week I was finally promoted and allowed to be in charge of a small group of kids to help them sort out life issues. The only problem was that I had to co-lead it with another guy, who is only 17.
This week, he is sick. And next week he's busy. So you'd think, "Hey, I'm a co-leader, if he's away I'll just run it without him?" Riight? Well the youth centre manager thinks not. He's going to merge the group with another one while this teen is away. And I just have to ask why the heck for? Supposing I'm a trusted, valued member of your establishment, why the hell can't I run it? I'm perfectly capable of running a few youths without an annoying 17 year old. What does he have that I can't do?
So yes, it was a perfect cherry to top of the cake of the day, which, by the way, was made from a big steaming pile of dog turd. I don't fit in a lot of places, and I had thought this was the place I could find a group to belong in. Now that's in jeopardy because if I know myself, this frustration will fester and eventually devour everything good. So I can either be truthful to the manager and say "Hey dude, WTF?" or leave. I'm not someone who sits there and takes shit and says nothing.
So obviously with this on my mind, I couldn't sleep. At about 1 am I went on LIVE and downloaded the arcade game Limbo. Fortunately for me, it was very easy to play and took my mind off everything. I'm really enjoying this new class of arcade game they're bringing along. The ones which are deceptively simple, interesting and fun. I'm looking at you too Trials HD. I'm currently stuck at an area with a couple of lifts and a crate, but I'm going to look online and hopefully find a solution.
Well any thoughts? If you want to mock me, insult me for being pathetic or anything else, go ahead. Take a shot. I already feel like crap and whatever you say couldn't make a difference. Maybe I just don't belong anywhere. Limbo.
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