You heard it here first folks! Minecraft is slowly but surely becoming Minecraft: Modern Warfare Edition amongst my friends. It all began a month ago with the embedding of a pick axe in the back of a skull...

I hang out with some pretty cool guys online with Minecraft. I know it sounds like an oxymoron, but there you go. However, there is one kid no one truly likes. He's a bit of a c*nt. Okay, he's totally a c*nt. He's their friend in real life, while I'm only an online friend. As far as things go, I'm liked and respected between everyone. Except for this kid, who we shall name Tom for now. Why he is even their friend in real life is anyone's guess. He betrays people, ruins their creations, mutes strangers (myself included) and is a jealous little kid. No one hates this guy more than me. If he were to die in real life, I'd sleep a bit better. Cold and harsh though it may sound, Xbox LIVE is a large part of my life and he is seriously ruining it.

Now I'm sure you're asking "Minecraft? How can such a peaceful game be so divisive??". Beneath the guise of prancing sheep and colourful flowers, lies a darker turmoil. You're inviting trouble into your world whenever a friend joins. It's like falling back into someone's arms - you pray they don't break anything.

So one day I was mining along in a friend's world, possibly humming a tune. tom had just bought the game and was a total noob. He strolls in front of my pick axe. Instead of being a humble person and seeing it was an accident, he instead turns on me and kills me. Like an enraged toad, he is not entirely sure what he is angry at, but lashes out at the closest thing (me), a mindless drive to palm off blame and shirk self-responsibility. In turn I slay him with a sword. He drops about 3 stone pick axes. This in turn incites more retaliation as he apparently thinks stone pick axes are rare and hard to come by!

So I wait. Revenge is best served cold. After a few hours, him and my friend have been in their mine for hours. My friend returns to the surface with his stash, while Tom remains below with his. I launch my attack, trying to divert a lava flow into his tunnel. I fail and he once again kills me. I feign a truce through my friend and manage to sneak up behind Tom whilst he is trying to escape the deep cavern. It is then that I corner him and stab his bloated, fetid body with several blows from a pick axe. What drops is not too short of a treasure trove. Diamonds, gold pick axes, ingots, lazuli, obsidian, iron...

He tried to reach me, but I repel him once more. After this final kill, I run as deep and far as I can and dig. I build a chest, and I bury it. I do not mark the chest and I make sure it is very well hidden deep underground. I return to my home, Tom screaming he wants his stuff back. I tell him he stole my stuff so he's not getting his - if he wants it, he can go find it. Very childish and petty, but he started it, nyah nyah!

He then proceeds to destroy my house. Unwilling to budge, I watch as he destroys my home and everything in it. This trespass will not be forgotten. I try to sabotage the world by diverting a river into his house, but my friend gets annoyed and kicks us both from the game. Until next time...

Today was such a time. I entered another friend's world to see him cleaning up the remnants of thousands of cobblestones. I was told Tom had placed rivers of lava all over their houses and then water, petrifying the entire valley in stone. He refused to clean it up, so I helped my friend. For my work, he let me build a tower. A sh*t trade considering the clean up took little over an hour! But I built it none the less. All the way up to the stars. It was glorious. Tall, gleaming and bold in its design. But like the World Trade Centre, it was the pinnacle of human achievement, and thus, the target for terrorist attack. No sooner had I completed it had another player climbed to the top and raided my chests, stealing with wild abandon.

In retaliation, I not only stole his stuff, but I stole his chest. Retribution paid correct? Surely not he said! Tom reentered the world, despite being told he was banned. Immediately he sought a single reason to destroy my creations. The other player gave it to him when he said I'd stolen his chest. I returned from the forest to see Tom, my chest in hand, destroying the bottom of my tower. I pleaded with the host to kick him. But I was denied. And so began world war two...

I was lucky when Tom, like the blundering fool he undoubtedly is, fell from my tower and dashed himself against the ground. Out sprouted a whole raft of goodies. I gloated as I escaped gleefully with the loot, making sure he knew I was once again to bury this inventory as well. Far away, deep underground, I placed another chest, never to see the light of day again. I returned and saw that a kind of arms race had begun. At first iron swords, which I died several times to, then crude armour. Before long, we both had steel plate protection and carried swords of glinting metal. Across the tops of houses we battled. I had better equipment for once, and killed him again after he returned from mining. Diamonds and gold aplenty I took, but kept this bounty for my personal stash deep within my secret lair. Then I returned to find Tom had made diamond armour from the duplication glitch exploit. I was killed, my body falling lifelessly to the ground, my life blood sullied and pouring into the grass. This called for desperate measures.

Desperately, I searched for a trump card. I found it while raiding one of the player's rooms. TNT. Like a chemical warfare specialist, I tested the device on a lone hill. It made the hill not a hill. I was pleased. I gave Tom an ultimatum. Leave me walk in peace, or face a wrath unlike any other. He declined. To show a force of my power, I laid a block of TNT on the main bridge. He saw me and advanced. I had no choice but to destroy the bridge. In a dramatic explosion, the bridge was severed in two. He stood on the other side, his dim-witted mind contemplating what had transpired. I pitied his tiny peanut brain at that moment, for I knew he would die before I was through. Then... kicked. For simply rising to arms to avenge my needless murders, and despite my efforts to clean up the world after hurricane Tom swept through, I was removed from the game. I still have the TNT in my hand ready to go, but I fear I will never have a chance to use it...

So heed my story miners of all ages! If you are going to be playing with people, make sure you can trust them. Or at the very least, play on maps with them that you do not mind being destroyed. If you have no choice but to play with an assh*le, leave no weakness. Do not become attached to any dwelling or creation, for it will be used against you. Hide then deep underground and behind fake walls, traps and best of all, water. And if events do lead you to war, find their weakness, upgrade your arms and use any means necessary. Do not count on the host to always boot the other player.

This whole foray has of course left me jaded with Minecraft. I despise bullies and trolls. I hate unfairness. I never exceed the fair quota of revenge, but others enjoy dishing, but not eating, pain. What will happen next, I am uncertain. All I know is that Minecraft can be a dark, foreboding world with little escape from death and despair, so do not be fooled by the shiny blocks and happy tunes. There is malice in the caverns deep...