yesterday she broke up with me. We sat down, she said these horrible words, and we both cried and told each ther what a wonderfull person the other one is despite everything. Then she packed some more stuff and left.
And even though i knew 100% that this was going to happen...i still feel way worse than anticipated. It is so hard to see all these "advantages" that some of you guys are talking. Even this job seems so...unimportant right now. The girl i loved for 7 years who is also my best friend and closed advisor is now gone and i feel like i lost a huge part of me. Especially on the road ahead that i now have to walk without here...i'm very scared about being alone.
Next week, i will take this job. I will start looking for an apartment in that new city. I will stay with my family over chistmas and hang our with some friends on new years. It will be rough around this time of the year to be alone...but there might be no time of the year were getting dumped isnt rough after 7 years.
...but this sadness and loneliness....it seem almost unbearable to just "keep on going" like some of you said.
But it is nice to know that I'm not alone in this situation...
I'm sitting here, crying, while reading this much support and unterstanding from all of you. And we havent even met...
Sorry i cant adress any of the many questions you guy had, but most of you were spot on anyway with the stuff you said. I really dont know what to say to all of you except for: "Thank you all from the bottom of my broken heart!"
It is true...i should take this job. These last 3 years of unemploymend and getting my applications rejected one after another...my self esteem was (and kinda is) incredibly low. And this affected my relationship quite a bit. If the relationship to my gf was alright i felt good, if not (which it was for most of the time) i felt like shit and the whole world was against me while I am alone.
I even started with a psychotherapy (my gf too) to get rid of some of my issues within our relationship... and sometimes i asked myself: "Is this how a relationship should be?"
@dagas said something that i still have in my mind since i read it: "A relationship should be like polishing the ship to keep it shining, not like you have been working hard to cover up holes in the ship to prevent it from sinking all the time." I think this sums up the last 15 Months pretty good. She's comming over in an hour and i'm really scared for this moment when she sits across the table and starts talking. The reasons why i'm scared should be obvious...except for one thing. After reading all of you guys telling me to get the job and move away, i got scared in a totally different way: What if she comes over and wants to try it again? She will defenitly not move with me cause she got a very good job right here. This relationship will especially not work when I'm working 9 hours/day + 2 hours commute(when i keep living together with her). But i dont know if i'm strong enough right now to tell her that im taking the job no matter what. This is an incredible opportunity, but there is such a huge hole in my chest....such an emptyness that only she can fill right now... I'm 29 and worked for 7 years on this relationship...i'm scared to not find someone like her again. And all this work....was it for nothing if in the end it didnt help?
And my brain knows what the right thing to do is, but my heart...part of me now kinda hopes she makes it easy for me and breaks up...and the other part is shaking from sadness while even writing this sentence...
I just now one thing 100% sure: "The world is changed. I feel it in the water. I feel it in the earth. I smell it in the air."
Thank you again for all of your support...really... thank you
The GB-Community must be the most amazing set of random strangers that anyone can find on the internet.
So...tomorrow is the day. My girlfriend will break up with me. I'm 100% sure.
To fully explain this situation i would be writing for the next two hours because 7 years dont just suddenly end without a long and complicated story and many mistakes on both sides. But i will try to hit the important parts:
It's been over a year after my last blog post and things havent quite turned out as i wanted... From the day we moved together things got harder and our whole relationship became a lot toughter. More fights, more arguments, but also inbetween more intimate and closer. I started to loose my need for "being alone" a whole lot and began to enjoy her close everyday company. It took some time and tears...but now it's seems it came to late.
Right from the start of us moving together i got pretty distand torwards her, cause i thought i was not ready. After the first few months, which were incredibly hard for her, she almost broke up with me in March. But i got my shit together and started to change...for her and our relationship. But like i said it seems like my efforts were too late.
I think she doesnt love me anymore. At least not enough to be together with me. Something broke in our relationship within the first 6 very hard months of us moving together: She cried often and i was too selfish and couldnt handle her sadness and needs. And now that i am like she always wanted me to be (her words) she cant fully commit to our relationship anymore. She is convinced i will change back to my old self as soon as she opens up again. And i cant do anything to show her that thats not gonna happen. The close i get to her and show her how much i love her, the more she moves away from me. But if i move away to leave her room, she starts to believe i'm back to my old self from the time we moved together.
My whole life is turned upside down right now. After 7 years she is almost gone and today i got a very good job offer after 3 years of unemployment that i need to move to another city for. And i cant even tell her about it and see her proud and happy face. I dont know what to do. I want this job but im scared to take this new and hard path without her by my side....
I really do love her, but i'm also very used to her and afraid to be alone...
And now i'm sitting here in our appartment, afraid to go to bed cause tomorrow she will come over (she is sleeping at her parents for a week now) because she wanted to talk for one last time.
Like last time i just wanted to get this of my chest. But last time i got so many good responses and feedback that i wanted to try this again.