There are countless people on the internet who love to tell you how to spend your gaming time. They love to tell you about their favorite videogames and board games and card games. What’s more they have monopolized the perfect formula for evaluating just about any experience: raw, objective evaluation based on a game’s intrinsic merits and technical proficiency. But why does the ideal review format need to be restricted to purely hobbyist games? Why are we not applying this format to the greatest games of all: sports? Countless children and adults pour endless hours of their lives into sports training and sports watching, but they don’t even know how many stars their sport of choice earned. They don’t even know if their sport is the BEST sport. Well I will not abide this lack of informed decision making any longer. I will review the sports I have played, ascertain their value, and express that value in the only way that matters: five star review scores. So to kick this thing off I’ll review football, the most popular sport in the United States.

Hardcore football is played with, at a minimum, two teams of eleven players who alternate between offense and defense. Each offensive team has four plays or “downs” to advance their ball 10 yards (9.144 meters for my un-American friends). If the offensive team succeeds, then they are rewarded with four more downs. If they fail, the defense takes control of the ball and the offensive and defensive roles are swapped between teams. However, gaining downs is simply the minute to minute incentive for each team; the overall goal of a football game is to score as many points as possible. Points are scored in a variety of ways, but the most conventional method is through the “touchdown.” A touchdown is achieved by advancing the ball to the “endzone” or outer horizontal boundary of the opposing team. Each touchdown is worth 6 points. All other methods of scoring are largely reserved for the most organized and hardcore of games. In fact, most casual games of football only utilize touchdowns, and they often feature teams of less than eleven members.

Stopping a player in hardcore football requires tackling him/her to the ground as quickly as possible. This results in many opportunities for injury and glory. Before undertaking in a hardcore football game you need to know that you might break a bone or two or suffer long term head injury. For those who are unwilling to risk their health on a children’s game, there are casual modes of play. Touch or flag football replaces the bone-crushing tackles of hardcore football with friendly two-hand touches or flag-snatching. Much like Rock Band and other casual games on the market, casual football is great for parties and gatherings.

Although the game can seem quite obtuse on first glance, with people running all over the place… then stopping… then running… then stopping, the game is actually not that complicated to understand. You see, football is a class based sport. Every player on each team either picks or is assigned a different class based on their natural physical abilities. People who are tall and can throw are quarterbacks (the attention grabbing stars of each team). People who are fast and coordinated are either running backs or wide receivers (the other attention getters). People who are tall and coordinated are tight ends (valuable, but all but the best are largely ignored). People who are overweight or otherwise huge are linemen (the tanks of the team, and just like tanks in any game their job is boring and largely thankless). Every player on both offense and defense has a class whose function is clearly defined and established. As a result, winning a football game requires every player to PLAY THEIR F***ING CLASS! If linemen start going out for passes or quarterbacks start running the game quickly degenerates into chaos, and an easy victory for the opposing team. On top of the physical handicap associated with cross-class play, there is also a huge skill gap between each position. You see, almost none of the positions in football have overlapping skill requirements. All of the time you spent practicing throwing as a quarterback does not translate as a wide receiver; all of the time you spent learning how to carry the ball as a running back does you no good when you have to block as a lineman. Therefore, football greatly incentivizes min-maxing one position for your entire playing career.

It is worth mentioning that playing hardcore football requires a hefty investment in money, as well as time. Although the sport seems to only require a ball, in truth once you buy a ball you can only play casual football. There are several other micro-transactions that you must make before you are able to play a full game of hardcore football. A helmet, pads, and cleats are a must for any REAL game of football and most players prefer to buy cosmetic items such as sweat bands and eye-black. An interest in football could easily cost hundreds of dollars to simply get off the ground, and that number increases exponentially if (when) you get injured.

Football can be a hugely fun game if played in a controlled and structured environment with full teams of players who know what they are doing. A full, well-played game of hardcore football can look incredibly stylish and the thrill of victory can be intoxicating. However, the largely physical assignment of roles can be a real bummer for those that find their body does not support the class they want to play. No amount of practice can turn a player who is 5’5 (165.1 centimeters) into a lineman in a competitive game. Although there is a bunch of strategic depth and reward to the sport at the highest level, the inherent monetary investment and injury risk is hardly worth it, unless you are skilled enough to go pro. The return on a pro career is huge and that incentive is one of the huge drivers that keep people entering the game, but the reality of the talent and skill barrier between pro and armature is hard to ignore. Casual games of football can strike a great balance between strategy and sanity, and I highly recommend them. Football is the US’s favorite sport for a reason, but I cannot recommend this sport without several heavy warnings. Fans of Rugby will love football.

2 Stars