With an open mind and a heart as cold as a wampa’s teat, our valiant hero set out to explore the vast Frankelian world of Hello Kitty Online. The promises of Badtz-Maru boss raids and gold drop Tier 8 head-bows have enticed many to fall under the spell of this free to play MMO. Will our hero share their fate or will he bore of this experiment and do something worthwhile with his goddamn life? Only time will tell. Let me begin by assuring you that I am not now, nor have I ever been, a pedophile. (With possible exception of the time I hid under the bleachers to stare up Elizabeth RESERVED’s skirt in the third grade—though I too was underage and I’m pretty sure that isn’t permissible in a court of law. Shit! I have to look that up. What was I saying? Oh, yeah.) I’M PLAYING HELLO KITTY ONLINE NOW!
Are you aware that the download to install this game is 3 GIGS! That isn’t a typo, folks. Before I could begin this journey into the Rainbow Road inspired underbelly of Sanrio Town I was first required to download three gigabytes of Pochacco shirt textures and bubble fonts. To put that into a perspective we can all understand, that is the equivalent of 750 Chrono Triggers. I hate the future.
I then registered my character, AgentDeathKnife, and set out on the SanrioLand01-Wonderful server (in case anyone wants to guild up). After a brief tutorial I washed ashore in Sanrio Harbor and the fun really started. Well, perhaps fun isn’t the correct term. What do you call it when a bunch of anthropomorphic animidgets send you on countless fetch quests and trading missions for a similarly endless list of stupid incidental items? Sure, one could apply that same criticism for any MMO ( Warcraft included) but at least those items are reasonable trophies for a victory: a scale, a feather, a tooth. I spent twenty minutes this morning gathering “boxpig appetites.” Really, Japan?
When you aren’t fighting with the fact that your “attack” command seems susceptible to distance, direction, and pure chance before you can properly defend yourself against the tiringly cute “beasts” which roam the land you’ll spend your time slowly backtracking across large territories to harvest ridiculously designed plants and return their spoils to the simplest cell-shaded NPCs you’ll ever grow to tolerate.
Really, Japan? Three gigs? At this point I am so enraged by the bandwidth I have squandered that I would feel guilty if I didn’t give this game a “fair and balanced” review. In the meantime I am going to satiate my rage-on with walking around the South Dream Forest emoting large “sigh” animations over my head until this bottle of Nyquil kicks in.
Oh, and I’m a level six now. Check out my cool sunglasses (+2 all stats) and come back for more of whatever the hell this thing was. Logging out. 5… 4… 3… 2… 1.