By tokyochicken 2 Comments
I occasionally get the nagging suspicion that I actually suck at everything I try. Writing, singing, acting, there are a slew of activities, which I participate in regularly, that for some time I was under the impression that I was “alright” at. Then reality hits me like a giant cement-sac filled with cinder blocks and I come back from my high into the cold, dark world of self-realization. I reflect on what I've done and conclude that, holy shit! I'm not actually that great at what I just did. I thought that was awesome. But fucking hell, it wasn't.
This is why I attempt to stay humble with everything I do. People say I hate everything. People claim I'm bitter. I'm neither of those things. I'm skeptical. I'm skeptical because I need to be in order to exist. Without it, I would run around free with no pants on making a shit-mockery of myself. My skepticism is defence. If I don't keep the world in perspective, then shit goes haywire. I need to keep myself strapped down because if I don't, I'll never actually be good at anything. I have to tell myself I suck. Not because I want sympathy—no, people who do that are full of bullshit and probably made of it too—I do it to make sure I know I need to improve. I set the bar so high for myself in order to make sure I'm always trying to please my biggest critic: Moi.
Sure, I wont ever reach what I want from myself—I want to be perfect—but in the advent that I try to be perfect I will at least be decent. This is the truth for everything. If you try your hardest to be the best, you will never achieve it, but you'll be 10x fucking better than half of the schmucks out there who “don't give a fuck, brah” . In a way, after enough work, even if I realize I'm not the best, I'm complacent with the fact that I improved on some level. That's rewarding. Knowing that I did something and I am, again, decent.
Writing has been my latest focus. I just got a job at a SUPER SERIOUS VIDEOGAME BLOG OUTLET FOR SERIOUS JOURNALIST WHO WRITE SERIOUS STORIES ABOUT THE LATEST XBOX GAME. Okay, I'm being silly. We're a fun site and with a bunch of really cool people who don't seem to take themselves as seriously as many other sites do. Which is great, by the way. I've never felt so relaxed coming into a job as “the new guy”. I always imagined my first time writing for a site to be nerve-racking, but my editor was a really nice guy and helped me get the feel for stuff.
But back to what I was saying. Writing has been the focal point of my life for the passed month now. It has been for a long time actually, but now, it's been SERIOUS. I've always sucked at writing. Seriously. If you try hard enough to find my older blogs (You wont), you'll be disgusted by my abuse of the english language. But recently, I've managed to figure something out. Somewhere in my head things clicked. Apart of this was just coming from the fact that I pushed myself to be an adequate writer. All of my summer was spent reading, writing, studying syntax and grammar, and trying to learn something from the billions of style guides out there. And it finally paid off.
It's gratifying to finally feel good about my writing skills. Writing to me is similar to the cool table at a high school during lunchtime. You totally want to hang with the cool kids. There's that one kid who hangs out there all the time with the awesome Pontiac Solstus. And that girl with the pony tail who would never talk to you even if she was to be condemned to the fate of being stuck on a suspended elevator with you for the rest of her life. But you know, in your heart, that they will never let you sit there because you have a pocket protector, nerd. I have a deep respect for a bunch of writers out there in the world, to the point where I wish I could be just like them! But I know I can't because I'm not a good writer—well maybe things have changed. Writing is like that for me. I want to be a good writer like all the people I respect so much.
It was an bizarre feeling getting the job at Platformnation.com. They're not super big like 1up or anything crazy, but they're well known and have a good team of writers on board and somehow I landed a job to work alongside these people. Me. Some random-ass scrub from Canada. I don't feel like I'm a defined journalist or anything, but I feel validated for all the time I spend doing this. I feel as if I'm at the cool table now. Who knows, maybe if I keep writing I may go even higher in the industry. A boy can dream!
But I'm enjoying what I'm doing right now. And I like what all of this has done for me as a person. I'm still as lazy as before, but I'm marginally less of a slacker. Improvements are still improvements, like I mentioned above. Plus, I enjoy writing. It's fun. Everyone should try it. People see writing as a boring academic activity but I view it in a more recreational light (Probably because I'm a shut-in). It's entertaining to share ideas with the public and seeing a long list of your work pile up; feels very fulfilling.
Give it a try sometime. Write a blog post, a journal, whatever. You may find yourself a new hobby.
Wow, that sounded cheesy as all fuck.