By TrashMustache 27 Comments
I met her in a game we both love passionately. She was less good at it than me, but she was pretty damn good and learned fast. I kept encouraging her and she thanked me for it. She asked me to give her tips and before I knew it she insisted we talked on skype. I told her about my discomfort with it but she kept insisting. We eventually did and she talked about everything involving her life and traumas she experienced. She was in a state of crisis. I recognized this state as I had been there far too often. I just listened and eventually fell in love. So did she. We felt a strong beautiful connection. Seperated. Living far apart but connected. We started video calls and saw each other for the first time. It was magical. I never thought it would happen to me and thought she's the one I want to live my life with. A gamer chick, a pretty one, an intelligent and funny person. What could possibly be wrong here? She told me about her attention disorder, and it became apparent that she was very self involved and extremely stubborn. All of which she openly admitted to and for a good long while I was able to accept the way she was, my reasoning being that If you can't accept someone the way they are and try to fit them into your ideal, than it isn't love at all. Unfortunately, I wasn't treated with the same care.
She started leaving conversations randomly, gave signs that she wasn't doing well. One night (this being one of countless examples) she went out and got drunk, the next day I asked her if she had fun. she said "no". Constantly making me feel like something is wrong only to blame me for making such an assumption. I felt frustrated that I couldn't help her and I took her condition into consideration as much as possible. After a while i started feeling a void. Not the void of virtual miscommunication or the void of physical seperation. But the void of investment on her part. Which is her right, but then why tell me that she loved me and wanted to fly over to where I live and make a thousand promises? it became clear that I was the only one caring and worrying. One day a friend of her thought it would be funny to tell me that he was her boyfriend, when I asked her what was up, she just told me goodnight, she couldn't talk because of her internet. this sort of behavior increased. And when i got so frustrated that I said I couldn't handle this anymore, she turned it around and got mad at me for feeling the way I did.
Eventually, All I could conclude was that this wasn't gonna work out. She could not be decent enough to answer the simple question of whether he was her boyfriend or not. She later said she knew he was joking but she "couldn't tell me". Either way she didn't seem to feel any regret over keeping me in the dark with my doubts and hurt and said she though my reaction was embarassing. I removed her from my contacts and the game we met on. Until I calmed down and wanted to make it right. But All i got was a rant about how I had no right to question her. There are much more details to any such story. And she is not entirely to blame. But the point is it became more and more clear that she could not be reasoned with. Then she deleted me. As a final therapeutic message I sent her this. As this should make it easier to move on for me.
"thank you for deleting me. I did not quite appreciate the irony of what it meant when you said "I have attachement issues" when we first talked. I took it to mean you have a hard time letting go, but it seems only the contrary is true. If anything you ARE the issue. All of the things u told me in our first few weeks, the things that made up the fabric of my love for you. From the moment you came knocking at my figurative door and I let you in. You could not seem to deal with me populating the room with my own feelings. It seems you need the entire room and beyond just to function. There was never room for MY feelings, only yours.
And when It got the point where I wanted answers u gave me the lamest excuse in history about some data patch on your cellphone that didn't allow you to write certain things. lmao. that's like saying I can't solve a math problem because I dont speak french. If u send a message saying: "it is physically impossible to write a message to you right now" then it must be physically possible to do so. In other words you're a fucking liar.
Nevermind all the energy and time I spent listening to u, trying to understand u, trying to find a way to help u with my qualities (however few u think I have). Especially since the traumatic experiences u so clearly explained in our very first "real" conversation (a 10 hour affair), it baffles me that you are so devoid of refection. In your defense, maybe it is still to recent and you aren't allowing any sort of negativity (or more preciesly, you're idea of negativity) in. So that's why you shove all my best intentions aside to do the thing you excel at. Turning everything around to illustrate how much it hurts you with an absolute disregard of what led me to be hurt in the first place. And what led me to question your motives was based on very reasonable assumptions.
So next time when u beg someone to skype with u and lay it all on them, I hope u find the right person. Someone who slavishly obeys. or Maybe the next person will be as devoid of empathy as you. The ironic evolution of that particular scenario could be that whichever of you is the least manipulative, will end up hurt trying to please the other. If, in this scenario, the "inferior" party is you, than only then will u understand how it felt for me, trying to uphold this "relationship". I think you don't know what it's like to care. I think you have seen others do it and try to replicate it when u sense that that's what people do in a given situation. So in a sense, I think of you as disabled in this regard. learning is hard, hope u get there. Not for your sake, but for whoever's life you're about to poison next.
if there's one thing I wish, it's that I never met u. But I did so now i'm stuck with this annoying memory of whatever the fuck it is we had. But i guess a day after i removed you, you were glad, glad you didn't have to justify your behavior anymore. Now, you delete me realizing I am not gonna apologize. I guess it makes sense, alien concepts (like in your case:caring, regret, empathy; self-reflection) frighten us.
I hope one thing. I hope I completely forget u. Every single pixel of u. Every single word we ever wrote and every word we spoke. Every fragmented image of you I have. So much that if they would ever dig into the deepest parts of my memory they would never find a single trace of you. I don't blame you for deleting me. After all I did the exact same thing a few days ago. But there is a fundamental difference. Just like writing this message. For me these things are HARD TO DO. In the hopes that my brain will start removing and annilihating everything that leads back to you.
So why am I posting this on the web? Not out of some cry for attention but as a form of venting. We cannot let people eat away at our integrity like some sort of vial cancer. No matter how much they demand sympathy. No matter how much it kills you to let go and how empty it feels now. No matter how much it seemed like the stars aligned just so u could meet this pretty and intelligent person, that made you feel like she must have been the one. You cannot let yourself be manipulated until you only live for them. You may find what you think is the love of your life on a random server of an online game at any given time. It may be a fairytale, or it could be too good to be true. And for me it was, unfortunately.