A Boll of Poop: Volume 1 - "BloodRayne"
By turboman 13 Comments
A quick bit of preface, this is continuing my last blog of this style, possibly for a website I might be making. All feedback is welcome to whether or not you find this entertaining.
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I've been putting off this for far too long. I believe it is time for me to make an unfortunate decision, and watch every single movie that has been made by Uwe Boll. Mr. Boll is widely considered as the most hated man making movies today. Gamers hate him because he ruins franchises, and film goers hate him because he makes God-Awful movies. His movies are considered psychopathic, idiotic, perverted, and just plain laughable by most critics. He even created an event where he let film critics try to take out their anger and fight Uwe Boll in a boxing ring (unfortunately for those guys, he's a damn fine boxer).
So my question is, why does everybody hate this guy? A quick wikipedia search for our first movie, BloodRayne, should give you a few suggestions. In BloodRayne, Uwe Boll actually hired cheap prostitutes for a couple of scenes to keep the the film from going past the budget. Also, BloodRayne was licensed by only 985 theatres across the United States, eventually it was supposed to have shown at 2,500 after a couple of weeks at launch. That number was cut down to around 1,600 because Uwe decided to send prints of the movie to theatres that didn't license the movie.
Also, Michael Madsen (who's the second biggest star in the movie) went public and said that BloodRayne is "a horrifying and preposterous movie". Yes, that statement came from Michael Madsen, it's true that Quentin Tarantino comes around and saves his ass every ten years or so, but I dare you to look at Madsen's filmography list. He will do absolutely anything for money it seems, and there's really no winners throughout the list except for the two Tarantino movies.
| So here's Mr. Blonde himself, Michael Madsen. He's one of the leaders of a faction that's trying to take down Kagan (The King of Vampires). He is alongside Sebastion(Matthew Davis) and Katarin(Michelle Rodriguez). Side note: This movie is in medieval times, the only one who actually tries to dawn an accent is Michelle Rodriguez. It's not the worst accent in the world, but it's downright silly when she's trying to talk to Michael Madsen, who handles every scene in the movie like the check Uwe sent him didn't go through. Anyway, Madsen's character is looking for a woman that he heard about that is half-human, half-vampire. This lady might help them blah blah blah blah |  |
 | And here she is! My goodness, why are you drinking blood like you're some kind of a caveman? You need to pucker your lips up a little bit when you drink from a cup. That's the only way you are going to avoid getting that "milk moustache". Here, I'll give you one more chance to properly drink from a cup. |
| Oh My God... You are getting that all over your shirt now! I hope it's delicious, Fatty McFatterson. You're face looks like Hulk Hogan if he dyed his hair red. Actually, this is Rayne, the half-human half-vampire who hunts down and kills vampires that murder innocent human lives (*coughBladecough*). She is tracking down her father.... |  |
 | Kagan, King of the Vampires. Kagan is played by Ben Kingsley. That's Ben Kingsley as in Academy Award Winning actor, Ben Kingsley. How Uwe Boll was able to cast him is beyond me. Unlike Michael Madsen, Kingsley's track record is fairly solid up until he appeared in BloodRayne. Since this movie, he's been in The Love Guru... a film I'm sure I'll visit down the road. Kagan is the father of BloodRayne, and raped and killed her mother right in front of her... |
| Now you'd think that raping and killing a mother in front of her child would be evil enough, but there's a random scene in the middle of the movie where a guard introduces a young, scared looking girl to Kagan in his throne room. Kagan encourages the girl to come closer, and that he promised not to hurt her... |  |
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| Back to Rayne, she's on this mini-quest to find a magic eyeball that is supposed to help her in her fight against Kagan. What does the magic eyeball do, you ask? Shut up. It helps. Trust me. The magic eyeball is in this room that has multiple saws and arrows popping out that is impossible for any mortal human to get through. So how is Rayne going to get past this trap? |  |
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| She gets the eye and absorbs it (MAGIC!!), and is now immune to water. Good for her, I'm sure that will come in handy when she fights Kagan (it's never mentioned in the movie again). Now the monastery that is protecting her is being attacked by some of Kagan's army. This brings out some ninja priests to fight. Rayne also joins the fight, as does Michael Madsen and his goons. This gives Uwe Boll the chance to do what he does best/worst. Gory fight scenes! |  |
 | "Wanna see my crazy arm sword?" |
| "My Face!" |  |
 | "Is there something stuck between my teeth?" |
| Anyways, a bunch of stuff happens that really doesn't affect any of the overall story, and Rayne is now with the three people that were looking for her in the first place. Rayne explains how her life is worse than everybody else because her mother was raped and killed in front of her. Well, what a coincidence, because Sebastion's parents were murdered in front of him as well. This leads to both of those characters violently humping each other for some reason. The sex scene includes some boobies, possibly there just to award the audience for not leaving the theater at this point. |  |
 | Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa... I don't know what's going on in Sebastion's head, but from my perspective it looks like he's about to get a blowjob from a vampire. He surprisingly looks a bit more ok for it to happen than I would be. Unfortunately, Uwe Boll excludes the obvious blood sucking joke that I'm sure is in the script somewhere. |
| After giving that guy a blowjob, Michelle Rodriguez turns traitor, and gets hers in a lazy underwater fight scene. She gets a magic heart that makes her a better vampire than she already was (I guess...). Now Rayne has everything she needs to take on Kagan. |  |
 | There's a moment in the final fight scene where Sebastion is killed, and Michael Madsen is held against his will and is stabbed by Kagan. Well, he's not really held against his will at all. He just kind of stands there and looks at Ben Kingsley depressingly. At this point in production, it looks like Madsen is ready to accept death. Though there is a look of disappointment in his eye, probably because the sword going through him isn't real. |
| Rayne avenges the death of Madsen and Sebastion by stabbing Kagan with some kind of arrow, making him go all crazy and die... Does this mean the movie is finally over? |  |
 | Ah yes, the closing shot as we slowly zoom in to Rayne's face. Overall, this movie is incredibly terrible and boring and I have to say that.... wait a second... |
| Uwe Boll decided to shove in a slow motion collection of gory scenes that was not included into the movie. Shouldn't this be a DVD extra... or atleast during the credits? And man, these must have been out-takes for a reason, the shots are not even lining up right. Here's a scene of Rayne slicing somebodies gut open, except it looks like all of the blood is shooting out of his crotch. |  |
 | What the fuck is this shit? "Hey guys, you got me. You win, I lose. For Christ's sake stop hitting me!" |
| Ok, now this is getting out of control. |  |
I think if I could some up the movie in one picture, this would be it:
It's a very gory kill, and you can see that stuff like this highly entertains Uwe Boll. But you can clearly see the guy's legs right behind the prop. But does anybody actually give a shit about finding the perfect angle, or editing his legs out in post-production? Nobody that was behind the making of this movie actually cared about making a good movie it seems. Is this all Uwe's fault? No. Madsen does have a point when he says that he doesn't think this movie is any good, but he had no part in helping this movie to be any better, and the blame for this movie goes all around.
But hey, lets look on the bright side, nobody can say they had any kind of affection for the BloodRayne franchise before this movie anyway. And it's not like Uwe Boll can make a movie worse than this one. Right?