Remember? Net yaroze! 2/8

The bar has been set dangerously low.
I'm not talking about games 1-11. No, those games were pretty good. In fact- it makes me think about some of the games I called awful before. Blitter Boy is pure gold (I'm not joking, it's actualy a decent game) compared to the shit we're about to witness here. People- I'm talking about the worst Net Yaroze games, this is going to get bad. Now- the last game I've 'reviewed' on the 1-11 list was named "Gas girl". It was about a young woman fighting aliens with her farts. Even that was better than what's coming.
"Hover Racing" 
We start off with something above avarage. Ever played F-Zero? Yeah, this game is a clone of that game. But that's not a bad thing, the game's really awesome. I was kind of

 Ah, okay. Cool.
afraid to go on after I saw the 'help' menu, but what I've learned from Terra Incognita was that not every game SHOULD be translated into english. Or at least not by an automatic dictionairy.
Well, the game turned out to be addictive and had some good music. The graphics were pretty nice and I didn't get bored with it at all. There are some things that grind my gears though, like the fact that L1 makes you turn RIGHT and R1 makes you turn LEFT. Who thought this was a good idea? It's called Left 1 and Right 1, it's not like you can inverse the buttons. You can't expect this to feel natural to any living being on earth! The other thing is that picking a car somehow alters the difficulty. I'm not talking about the handling and
 IT HAS MUSIC! Trust me, that's really something.
speed- but I'm talking about the A.I. This game was insanely hard with one hoover car, but very easy using another one. They wereen't even that different!
Best racing game so far.
A pretty nice puzzle game. It's hard to explain the concept without seeing this game in motion.You controll a ladybug, and you have to get from point "A" to point "B" on the
 "Insects" is a pretty good title, but you'd have to play through the whole game in one sitting. No, thank you.
map. Nothing new here- but the thing is, there are these scorpions that really like you. It's kind of weird actualy, they're trying to get as close to you as possible, and they pick the shortest route to do so.  They don't kill you, they just get in your way.  If they're far away, then they copy your movements, so you're using them to push blocks into the water, and solve other puzzles. The concept's nice, but the graphics are terrible.

But, hey, it's a Net Yaroze puzzle game, I wasn't expecting miracles. Somebody interested in puzzle games would enjoy "Insects", but not for a very long time. And since it doesn't use a password system, I doubt anyone would have the patience to play through the entire game in one sitting. Too bad, cause it's level design is pretty darn clever.
"Nana Tan" 
 Remember that dark void on the edges of every road back in the 90's? Yeah, that sucked.
Most Net Yaroze games are not analog compatible. Which sucks, because if they were, then maybe the controlls in "Nana Tan" wouldn't suck ass! Well, it's not like this is the only thing that's bad with this title. This is a tank game. Okay, I'll admit, it's pretty hard to make a decent tank game,  and doing so without the analog support is damn near impossible. So yeah, I gave up after ten minutes. It's pretty bad. It's your everyday shooter, but with broken controlls, and an empty void on the edges of the screen (that you may fall into) which is kind of ridiculous. No, thank you.
"Cat Game" 
So I said something about the analog support, guess what? This game doesn't even work with the 'analog' option on. Great, that means it's awesome I'm sure. Ladies and gentleman, our first abysmal game! *Claps slowly*. Okay, okay, settle down. Writing about it can't do this game justice, it's so bad, it's.. I can't express how bad it is. i'm stuck. I'll show you how it looks like: 

It's 'horrable'. You think that's the stream, and you're suppose to catch the fish in the basket? Well, actualy, no. It's so absurd, it's hard to explain. The fish are falling through the stream to the bottom of the screen. If a fish touches the ground- you loose a life. Why? I.. I don't.. know. Now you're thinking- "Oh, so you move the basket? Catch the fish in the basket?" No. You can't move the basket. The fish bounce off of your head, and you have to bounce them in the direction of the basket. Ehh.. there's almost NO animation involved here. The cat just slides left and right, the fish barely move.. the horrendous music loops after 5 seconds, and the funniest thing is the game is preceded by three logos that take about thirdy seconds to disappear! Next game. . for the love of God, next game.
"Tan Tank"
Sounds very much like Nana Tan doesn't it? Well, as I said before, it's actualy good. Well.. saying it's good is a little too generous. It can be enjoyed. Again though- analog
 It looks pretty bad on the screenshot, but it looks even worse in the game!
support would do wonders to this title's controll scheme. Every button is used, L1 and R1 are used to turn the main gun left and right, L2 and R2 are used to deploy shield and fire homing missiles (The 'deploy shield' button has to be pressed at all times if you want the shield to work) X is used to fire the turret, square is used to fire the main gun.. well- you get my point. It's crazy. I'm not capable of using all these things at once. No human is. Or ever will be I'm afraid.
The graphics.. are bad. really bad. The music is nice, and it changes every 10 levels. There's something about this game that makes you go on, maybe it's the explosions, or maybe it's the fact, that you get better with time. You get familiar with the controlls, and start to kick ass. Still- I was unable to use the shield, and mostly I tried to keep the main gun centred, but maybe that's something that can be mastered as the game goes on. Sadly, it gets boring pretty fast. I've beaten 30 levels (29 to be exact) and got really tired of it. It was fun 'till then though, so I guess the game's not bad.
Not much to say about this game. It's like tetris- but your main objective is to match colors of the falling blocks. I'm a fan of this type of game, so I guess I'm a little biased, and shouldn't be listened to when I say- this game's alright.
"A Bob"
 Hit the square button to cut off the manticore's wings! Oops, wrong game.
This is a weird one. You tap the square button to speed up your bobsled, then you race for a while, but instead of a finish line- there's a big ass ramp at the end. You fly into the air, get out of the bobsled, play a mini game that consists of pushing the combination of buttons that is presented to you at the top of the screen, you open your parachute and land. Can.. can you imagine all of this without the help of a screenshot? The controlls are shit. The only part of the game that you can actualy controll the bobsled are at the race, but they're so jiggery you're constantly hitting walls. Can't say much more about this one.
 Kick, punch, it's all in your mind!
"Cart" "Bom!" "RC Race"
So- we've only seen one bad game untill now. Why did I say we're at the bottom of the barrel? Middlesex University. Those are the people that made these three games. Fuck them. Fuck those people. Why? I get it, you wanted to train your programing skills, but for the love of our maker, why did you insist on sending this pile of shit to Sony? I've put them all together here. All in one family grave. Let's blast them to hell zusammen, shall we? 

I could show you many screenshots, you wouldn't understand even then. There are two ambulances, controlled by two players. It's pretty much a tag game variant- who has the light can acquire points, by touching the opponent, you acquire the light. the points are these geometric shapes in the middle of these big green hills. No music. No sound. The graphics? Yeah, a pretty ground texture resembling a blood splattered pavement. This game is bad.
This game is even worse.
You can look at the screenshots. What am I saying? You're looking at the actual gameplay footage right there! If I don't press anything, this game looks like it was frozen. No animations. No- the flame on the lit fuse does not animate. Nothing animates. 
The point of the game is tu run around and play the game of tag. The landscape is endless. And the start button resets the position of the two bombs. There's no music, no sound, you have to make up your own rules, count your points or measure time. All by yourself, cause the game doesn't have any of this stuff. Is it really a game though? Can this be called a game? Well, I guess. If the Magnavox Odyssey can be called a video game console, everything can be called avideo game. 

Let's meet our next contestant:
RC Race
My God. This has to be the worst of them all. Okay, Bom! was worse. But this is pretty bad. Let's see.. It's a racing game. Again, calling it a game is a bit too much. It has some rules, a timer, a speed meter, so yeah, it's more of a game then Bom! But seriously, it doesn't have any music or sound effects, you know what, look at this:

Look at the draw distance! Everything is cut off by a big black wall- not only before you, but behind you too! This doesn't happen very often, most of the time the draw distance is better, and you're meant to fly through gates, yadda yadda yadda. I've lost my will to live.
Next game please.
 "Pushy 11b"

Our last game for today. And thank the Lord it is good. It is good, ladies and gentleman, it's actualy playable. Remember Sokoban? This is Sokoban. 100%. So, yeah, it's good,
 It's Sokoban. I like it.
(can't stress that enough, IT'S GOOD!), it has this awesome password system (passwords are people's names) and the graphics are pleasant. What else do you want? It's the perfect Sokoban game. The levels get more complex, I've came across these blocks that slide untill they hit something, and suprisingly, the level that introduced this, was really simple, so even someone who doesn't play games can take a swing at it.
 More to come!

Remember? Net yaroze! (Reviewing horrible games 1/8)

 Remember? Net Yaroze? You don't? Good. Run for your life.

It’s actually nettoyaroze (from japaneese "Let's do it!")- and that’s how I pronounce this development kit for the PS1. What is it? Well, nothing more than homebrew games of the old, like those Xbox indie games today. Sweet, sweet moonshine that turns into bitter vomit once you push the start button. I’m going to write a small review of these games, yeah I’m that masochistic. So I just downloaded the 83(!!) Yaroze games from the internet, and I'm going to play them using an emulator. Judge me not, these games were practically free back in the day, now they're nowhere to be found. I got my hands on some of them back then by buying the "Playstation Magazine" with demo CDs.

Well- thank the Lord that’s out of the way, let’s play our first stinker.

#1 "Terra Incognita"

I push the start button- choose a language with the select button (Japaneese or English, hmm..) and then I'm presented with the story:

He knows a rumer. Okay. The mesmerizing conversation continues.

You know, I've heard a rumer that this game is horrable. But do go on mysterious stranger.

Okay- this isn't going to be my whole review. But here are some highlights:
"You are still a coward guy."
 "But.. I am really scary."
"Well, I see. You keep eyes on this ship."
Wow. Awesome. Let's venture forward!
I come across a sign. I read it with the square button:

This is great. Already loving this game.  So let' me explain the game mechanics. It's a zelda clone. Well, okay- not exactly.
But you lift boxes, throw bombs jump around, kill some enemies and- yeap, your energy is represented by hearts. And you collect heart containers- as seen on the right. You really do have to read all those great text entries. So awesome. The game's fun though. Compared to the crap we're about to go through- this is a gem. Anyhoo- you get 60 minutes to beat the game, just like in prince of persia, if you don't make it- the captain- so called friend of yours- leaves without you. Thanks.
 Zelda can suck it!
As I mentioned before- you use boxes. All the time. In fact- using boxes is key in this game. You can throw them on signs (cool), monsters, on other boxes (duh) and also, on your head. Yeap. Now that's what I'd like to see in Zelda. I kinda wish you could place your dick in a box, but- alas, this game is not M-rated. There are some monsters in the game (slime balls) and you can kill them with your knife. Yes, a knife- I won't call that thing a sword. It has no reach, and that's pretty much how the monsters kill you. Blue slime balls are the worst. So watch out for them, if you ever decide to play this game. Haha- right. Only kidding, so silly. This is joke, joke from old. 
The main antagonist of the game is unknown- and I have no intention of going through the whole game to find out his identity. I'm sure a great conversation takes place before the final battle, but sadly, I got stuck. It's not really my fault though. There was this sign that told me what I had to do. It said: "By riding on slime ball you can go across to where you cannot without it." Peachy. How do I do it? I jump on the slime ball? No, it hurts me. I stun it? Nah- you can't stun shit in this game. I don't know. I've tried to explore a different part of the island- but I got stuck again. I think I was suppose to stack two boxes on each other, and then place a lit bomb on top to make the jump, but I was too slow and I died. 
So, in conclusion- this is an awesome game. Mainly due to the charming story and skillful writing. Hahaha, kidding again, so silly.
 Yeah, I hate that movie too.


Next game: 
#2 "Blitter Boy: Operation Monster Mall"

 Just follow me to that van over here..

I don’t want to say much about this game. Because.. well.. it's weird. You collect babies. Yeah, caucasian and afro american babies. I don' t know why there are no asian babies there. Or maybe there are- it's tough to say, the graphics are.. well it looks like it was made on  the SNES. it's not that I don't like 16 bit graphics- but.. you know what, whatever. The game's awful. You collect babies, transport them somewhere, kill ghost that look like they were ripped straight from pac man.. I don't want to play this anymore. There's this one thing though.. it's kinda buggin' me. The main protagonist has a very familiar logo on his helmet, that- by the way- also looks familiar... well, it's only my imagination, I'm sure. Let's carry on.

 This upgrade will make the game so much easier.


#3 "The Incredible Coneman"

3D Pac man clone.  Really, nothing more can be said. Oh yeah, it stinks.


#4 "A Dog Tale"

Jesus Christ.. You know what- no. This game is so bad, I.. I won't get past the first level. I'll show you a screenshot of this 2d turd,  and let's move on. Really, the controlls.. I know- it's homebrew but.. Argh! It's the WORST 2D platformer I have ever played. Hell- i've been more entertained by crappy cell phone games than.. Oh, whatever.  Also- shouldn't it be called "Dog's tale"? 
P.S.: Pro tip: The cacti are deadly.


#5 "Rocks n’ Gems"

Boulderdash clone. A pretty good one, but I never liked the original, why would I like the clone? Not for me. Moving on.


#6 "Total Soccer"

A top down view soccer game. I don't like soccer, I don't like this game.


#7 "Mah Jong"

Yup, it's Mah Jong all right!


#8 "Haunted maze"

 "Give me back that heart token, It was an anniversary gift for my girlfriend, also: Braaaains!"

Yeah, the name's terrible. But the game is.. good. it's addicting. Like a good flash game. Sure, it looks like total crap. Yeah, it's simple, and there's no story whatsoever. But- it's not broken, and it doesn't piss me off. So that's something. I've played through 10 levels, which is saying a lot. The concept is really simple- you run around avoiding zombies and collecting weird floating tokens. You collect all the tokens, an exit opens up, you leave- next level. A simple, but well done, arcade game. Nice.


#9 "Bouncer 2"

Was there a Bouncer 1? The controlls are terrible. They're not explained well enough- and you're left scratching your head. It sucks. The graphics are.. there are no graphics. It's like I'm playing Atari again. Oh shit, I named the screenshot amiga.. ah, whatever. See- taht's how much I care about this game- I'm adressing a screenshot mishap instead of reviewing this shit. 
It's like breakout, only more complicated. No, thank you.

 Avoid Net Yaroze games at all cost.


#10 "Stonegate"

 Warning: This game is a piece of shit. Just wanted to warn you. Go enjoy life. Don't play this grabage. -The Author

  I'm greeted with a half-assed menu, and a giant title- Stonegate. Okay, at least it's trying to be original. I check out the "info" of the game. And there it is- a short note on the bottom of the screen: "This game isn't complete(...)". Awesome. He goes on to say he did not have enough time to complete it, yadda yadda yadda. Damn, this has to be awesome. At least something to laugh about! Let the battle of the titans comence!


#11 "Gas Girl"

You fart to kill enemies...


Okay.. okay, i'm done for today.
So.. eleven games reviewed.. 72 remaining.. 
I.. I'm going to lie down now.
P.S: Many horrable mistakes in text found, sorry, but better text has to be than Terra Incognita!
Seriously though- hope you had as much fun reading this, as I had playing these games.

Retro Look: The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time *sob* *sob*

So what can I say about this game that you haven't already heard? The franchise started off with The Legend of Zelda for the NES in 1988 (or Zelda no Densetsu for the Famicom in 1986). It featured a boy named Link on a great adventure to save Princess Zelda from the evil Ganon by collecting pieces of an artifact known as the Triforce.
It wasn't a really convoluted plot- but the gameplay was groundbraking to say the least. You could go wherever you wanted to, buy items, explore dungeons, and so on.
 Then came Zelda II, four years later Zelda on the SNES- and finaly Zelda on the N64. And here we are- 1998, the game is called the best ever, and we just got our hands on this legendary piece of software! Only it's not 1998. Too fucking bad, the game may have been better then.
Now let me start by saying all of this is my opinion, bladitty bladitty bla bla bla. Now that that's out of the way: this game sucks balls. It sucks big time.
Playing the last two temples was like kicking myself in the nuts for fun. Clarification: I do NOT like to be kicked in the nuts. It fucking hurts. just like playing this game.
But let me start from the beginning. An innocent time in the game- when all you have is a fairy. Yes, a fairy named Navi. I.. *sigh*.. you know, these jokes are not funny anymore. Yeah, there's this fairy that's pissing you off, talking all the time, flying around, you hate her, so do I, let's move on.

 >>Insert Navi joke here

Retro Look: Super Metroid

 Retro look is something I thought of not long ago- maybe it was boredom, or maybe the fact that so many people praised old games that I've never played before.
I don't know. What I do know is that these games changed the gaming history- revolutionized the genre, were ahead of their time, and so on.
The superlatives never end. Best, greatest, prettiest. Well I'm here to test them out- without nostalgic feelings or bias. So let's jump into my first choice, Super Metroid for the SNES.

 >>Tuh duh duh duh Tam dam dam dam Tuh duh duh duh<<


Metroid is a franchise that started in the early days of Nintendo Entertainment System. Metroid on NES (which I'm also going to play) was an amazing game- it's open ended level structure was unlike anything else on the console.
It didn't have the fancy-pants Zelda save system- but it did "save" us from frustration of starting all over by using a password system.
"Us" as in "You", I never saw a metroid cartridge in my life (although I did play NES as a child). 
Then came the Gameboy version, it established Samus' look and from what I've heard, it's also a great game worth checking out.
Finaly metroid appeared on SNES. Super Metroid (not enough "Super " games on the SNES- let me tell ya..) came out in 1994.
It was established as the best metroid game ever- it created speed runs and transformed Samus into one of Nintendo "mascots"- right next to Link and Mario.
So lets play the game I like to call- "how long can you play without looking at a FAQ?".
Here's what I call a "BALLLS" moment. 

The "Wall Jump" was the first thing that got me stuck so badly- I had to look for a YouTube video instructing me on the matter.
Here's how it goes. You're exploring the map, looking for a way to progress through the game by using collectied power ups.
You stumble upon a suspiciously unprotected power up. "Well.. this doesn't happen everyday. Oh joy." You run up to take it and..
"What the hell? Ghost floor? You've got to be kidding me! Well whatever. There's a save point- I'll save and get back up there somehow.."
You save and move on only to discover.. it's a dead end. With some little picolo-moguai monsters jumpng from wall to wall. Etacoons or some shit, I don't know.
Let me tell you- I've spend two hours looking for another exit- in what was a save point, a corridor, and this dead end room.
You had to learn the "Wall Jump"- which, I can honestly say, ain't as easy as it looks. Another half an hour passes- I'm finaly out of that hell hole.
Old games are much much harder than what I remember them to be.
The rest of the game ran smoothly. It was basicaly the same thing over and over again. You search for a place that you can access, you expolre it, find a power up,
head back, and look for a place that you can access with your new ability. Standard metroidvania gameplay, pretty straightforward but enjoyable. 
The graphics are really nice, there are several different enviroments- like a fire/lava enviroment, water enviroment, crashed space ship and so on.
The music is terrific. It's just out of this world, it's a big part of the atmosp..
I'm stuck again! For fuck's sake! Can't a man enjoy this game without looking for hints? Care to guess where?
 You have to break this tube with a power bomb. Really cool.. but fucking insane, how was I suppose to figure it out?! 
There was a time when people had waaay too much time on their hands. Or were children. Same thing.
Where was I?
Oh yes- the music's awesome. And the last "dungeon" is really memorable, you don't fight many enemies, but the scripted battles are really something.
Too late for a spoiler alert? The game's been out for 10+ years so I guess there's no sense in doing that. You fight a giant metroid that sucks your life juices,
but stops before you die. What the hell? Apparently this metroid's Samus's.. baby.. something. Should've played the previous games in the franchise I guess.
Anyhoo- it doesn't want to kill you, then helps you at the Samus vs Mother Brain cat fight. The game has a great ending with the whole planet blowing.. up.. 
So.. Why? Why would anyone do that ? Why killing the mother brain makes the planet blow up? Didn't the space pirates think this through?
Or was this Mother Brain's doing? I bet it was her- that damn cyclops bitch.. 
Well the game ends, and if you finnished it really fast you get to see Samus in a bikini. Right. Because when for a change the main protagonist is a woman
you have to make her wear a bikini. That's your reward. For completing the game really really fast. *sigh*. Well that aside- I had a blast with this game.
It lasts for about 9 hours (first playthrough) and it's insanely addictive. The story is really weak, evil jellyfish used as a wapon, typical B movie Sci-Fi bullshit.
That's what we get? I guess that's not what one wants from Metroid. Gameplay is the core of this game, and I can understand why, even now it's suprisingly pleasant to play it.
So there you go- to anyone that didn't play this yet- I'm pleased to say it's worth it. Two thumbs up, and onto my next game..
Legend of Zelda the Ocarina of Time for the N64.
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