Remember? Net yaroze! (Reviewing horrible games 1/8)

 Remember? Net Yaroze? You don't? Good. Run for your life.

It’s actually nettoyaroze (from japaneese "Let's do it!")- and that’s how I pronounce this development kit for the PS1. What is it? Well, nothing more than homebrew games of the old, like those Xbox indie games today. Sweet, sweet moonshine that turns into bitter vomit once you push the start button. I’m going to write a small review of these games, yeah I’m that masochistic. So I just downloaded the 83(!!) Yaroze games from the internet, and I'm going to play them using an emulator. Judge me not, these games were practically free back in the day, now they're nowhere to be found. I got my hands on some of them back then by buying the "Playstation Magazine" with demo CDs.

Well- thank the Lord that’s out of the way, let’s play our first stinker.

#1 "Terra Incognita"

I push the start button- choose a language with the select button (Japaneese or English, hmm..) and then I'm presented with the story:

He knows a rumer. Okay. The mesmerizing conversation continues.

 
You know, I've heard a rumer that this game is horrable. But do go on mysterious stranger.


Okay- this isn't going to be my whole review. But here are some highlights:
"You are still a coward guy."
 "But.. I am really scary."
"Well, I see. You keep eyes on this ship."
Wow. Awesome. Let's venture forward!
I come across a sign. I read it with the square button:

This is great. Already loving this game.  So let' me explain the game mechanics. It's a zelda clone. Well, okay- not exactly.
 TA DHAA DHAA DHAA!
But you lift boxes, throw bombs jump around, kill some enemies and- yeap, your energy is represented by hearts. And you collect heart containers- as seen on the right. You really do have to read all those great text entries. So awesome. The game's fun though. Compared to the crap we're about to go through- this is a gem. Anyhoo- you get 60 minutes to beat the game, just like in prince of persia, if you don't make it- the captain- so called friend of yours- leaves without you. Thanks.
 
 Zelda can suck it!
As I mentioned before- you use boxes. All the time. In fact- using boxes is key in this game. You can throw them on signs (cool), monsters, on other boxes (duh) and also, on your head. Yeap. Now that's what I'd like to see in Zelda. I kinda wish you could place your dick in a box, but- alas, this game is not M-rated. There are some monsters in the game (slime balls) and you can kill them with your knife. Yes, a knife- I won't call that thing a sword. It has no reach, and that's pretty much how the monsters kill you. Blue slime balls are the worst. So watch out for them, if you ever decide to play this game. Haha- right. Only kidding, so silly. This is joke, joke from old. 
 
The main antagonist of the game is unknown- and I have no intention of going through the whole game to find out his identity. I'm sure a great conversation takes place before the final battle, but sadly, I got stuck. It's not really my fault though. There was this sign that told me what I had to do. It said: "By riding on slime ball you can go across to where you cannot without it." Peachy. How do I do it? I jump on the slime ball? No, it hurts me. I stun it? Nah- you can't stun shit in this game. I don't know. I've tried to explore a different part of the island- but I got stuck again. I think I was suppose to stack two boxes on each other, and then place a lit bomb on top to make the jump, but I was too slow and I died. 
 
So, in conclusion- this is an awesome game. Mainly due to the charming story and skillful writing. Hahaha, kidding again, so silly.
 Yeah, I hate that movie too.

 
 
 
 
 
 

 
 
Next game: 
#2 "Blitter Boy: Operation Monster Mall"

 Just follow me to that van over here..

I don’t want to say much about this game. Because.. well.. it's weird. You collect babies. Yeah, caucasian and afro american babies. I don' t know why there are no asian babies there. Or maybe there are- it's tough to say, the graphics are.. well it looks like it was made on  the SNES. it's not that I don't like 16 bit graphics- but.. you know what, whatever. The game's awful. You collect babies, transport them somewhere, kill ghost that look like they were ripped straight from pac man.. I don't want to play this anymore. There's this one thing though.. it's kinda buggin' me. The main protagonist has a very familiar logo on his helmet, that- by the way- also looks familiar... well, it's only my imagination, I'm sure. Let's carry on.

 This upgrade will make the game so much easier.


 
 
 
 
 
 
 
Next:

#3 "The Incredible Coneman"

3D Pac man clone.  Really, nothing more can be said. Oh yeah, it stinks.

Next:

#4 "A Dog Tale"

Jesus Christ.. You know what- no. This game is so bad, I.. I won't get past the first level. I'll show you a screenshot of this 2d turd,  and let's move on. Really, the controlls.. I know- it's homebrew but.. Argh! It's the WORST 2D platformer I have ever played. Hell- i've been more entertained by crappy cell phone games than.. Oh, whatever.  Also- shouldn't it be called "Dog's tale"? 
P.S.: Pro tip: The cacti are deadly.

 
Next:

#5 "Rocks n’ Gems"

Boulderdash clone. A pretty good one, but I never liked the original, why would I like the clone? Not for me. Moving on.

 
Next:

#6 "Total Soccer"

A top down view soccer game. I don't like soccer, I don't like this game.

 
 Next:

#7 "Mah Jong"

Yup, it's Mah Jong all right!

 
Next:

#8 "Haunted maze"

 "Give me back that heart token, It was an anniversary gift for my girlfriend, also: Braaaains!"

Yeah, the name's terrible. But the game is.. good. it's addicting. Like a good flash game. Sure, it looks like total crap. Yeah, it's simple, and there's no story whatsoever. But- it's not broken, and it doesn't piss me off. So that's something. I've played through 10 levels, which is saying a lot. The concept is really simple- you run around avoiding zombies and collecting weird floating tokens. You collect all the tokens, an exit opens up, you leave- next level. A simple, but well done, arcade game. Nice.


Next:

#9 "Bouncer 2"

Was there a Bouncer 1? The controlls are terrible. They're not explained well enough- and you're left scratching your head. It sucks. The graphics are.. there are no graphics. It's like I'm playing Atari again. Oh shit, I named the screenshot amiga.. ah, whatever. See- taht's how much I care about this game- I'm adressing a screenshot mishap instead of reviewing this shit. 
It's like breakout, only more complicated. No, thank you.

 Avoid Net Yaroze games at all cost.

 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
Next:

#10 "Stonegate"

 Warning: This game is a piece of shit. Just wanted to warn you. Go enjoy life. Don't play this grabage. -The Author

  I'm greeted with a half-assed menu, and a giant title- Stonegate. Okay, at least it's trying to be original. I check out the "info" of the game. And there it is- a short note on the bottom of the screen: "This game isn't complete(...)". Awesome. He goes on to say he did not have enough time to complete it, yadda yadda yadda. Damn, this has to be awesome. At least something to laugh about! Let the battle of the titans comence!
 


...
NEXT!

#11 "Gas Girl"

You fart to kill enemies...

 ...


 
 
 
 
 
 
 
Okay.. okay, i'm done for today.
So.. eleven games reviewed.. 72 remaining.. 
...
I.. I'm going to lie down now.
 
P.S: Many horrable mistakes in text found, sorry, but better text has to be than Terra Incognita!
 
Seriously though- hope you had as much fun reading this, as I had playing these games.
19 Comments
20 Comments
Edited by TwoLines

 Remember? Net Yaroze? You don't? Good. Run for your life.

It’s actually nettoyaroze (from japaneese "Let's do it!")- and that’s how I pronounce this development kit for the PS1. What is it? Well, nothing more than homebrew games of the old, like those Xbox indie games today. Sweet, sweet moonshine that turns into bitter vomit once you push the start button. I’m going to write a small review of these games, yeah I’m that masochistic. So I just downloaded the 83(!!) Yaroze games from the internet, and I'm going to play them using an emulator. Judge me not, these games were practically free back in the day, now they're nowhere to be found. I got my hands on some of them back then by buying the "Playstation Magazine" with demo CDs.

Well- thank the Lord that’s out of the way, let’s play our first stinker.

#1 "Terra Incognita"

I push the start button- choose a language with the select button (Japaneese or English, hmm..) and then I'm presented with the story:

He knows a rumer. Okay. The mesmerizing conversation continues.

 
You know, I've heard a rumer that this game is horrable. But do go on mysterious stranger.


Okay- this isn't going to be my whole review. But here are some highlights:
"You are still a coward guy."
 "But.. I am really scary."
"Well, I see. You keep eyes on this ship."
Wow. Awesome. Let's venture forward!
I come across a sign. I read it with the square button:

This is great. Already loving this game.  So let' me explain the game mechanics. It's a zelda clone. Well, okay- not exactly.
 TA DHAA DHAA DHAA!
But you lift boxes, throw bombs jump around, kill some enemies and- yeap, your energy is represented by hearts. And you collect heart containers- as seen on the right. You really do have to read all those great text entries. So awesome. The game's fun though. Compared to the crap we're about to go through- this is a gem. Anyhoo- you get 60 minutes to beat the game, just like in prince of persia, if you don't make it- the captain- so called friend of yours- leaves without you. Thanks.
 
 Zelda can suck it!
As I mentioned before- you use boxes. All the time. In fact- using boxes is key in this game. You can throw them on signs (cool), monsters, on other boxes (duh) and also, on your head. Yeap. Now that's what I'd like to see in Zelda. I kinda wish you could place your dick in a box, but- alas, this game is not M-rated. There are some monsters in the game (slime balls) and you can kill them with your knife. Yes, a knife- I won't call that thing a sword. It has no reach, and that's pretty much how the monsters kill you. Blue slime balls are the worst. So watch out for them, if you ever decide to play this game. Haha- right. Only kidding, so silly. This is joke, joke from old. 
 
The main antagonist of the game is unknown- and I have no intention of going through the whole game to find out his identity. I'm sure a great conversation takes place before the final battle, but sadly, I got stuck. It's not really my fault though. There was this sign that told me what I had to do. It said: "By riding on slime ball you can go across to where you cannot without it." Peachy. How do I do it? I jump on the slime ball? No, it hurts me. I stun it? Nah- you can't stun shit in this game. I don't know. I've tried to explore a different part of the island- but I got stuck again. I think I was suppose to stack two boxes on each other, and then place a lit bomb on top to make the jump, but I was too slow and I died. 
 
So, in conclusion- this is an awesome game. Mainly due to the charming story and skillful writing. Hahaha, kidding again, so silly.
 Yeah, I hate that movie too.

 
 
 
 
 
 

 
 
Next game: 
#2 "Blitter Boy: Operation Monster Mall"

 Just follow me to that van over here..

I don’t want to say much about this game. Because.. well.. it's weird. You collect babies. Yeah, caucasian and afro american babies. I don' t know why there are no asian babies there. Or maybe there are- it's tough to say, the graphics are.. well it looks like it was made on  the SNES. it's not that I don't like 16 bit graphics- but.. you know what, whatever. The game's awful. You collect babies, transport them somewhere, kill ghost that look like they were ripped straight from pac man.. I don't want to play this anymore. There's this one thing though.. it's kinda buggin' me. The main protagonist has a very familiar logo on his helmet, that- by the way- also looks familiar... well, it's only my imagination, I'm sure. Let's carry on.

 This upgrade will make the game so much easier.


 
 
 
 
 
 
 
Next:

#3 "The Incredible Coneman"

3D Pac man clone.  Really, nothing more can be said. Oh yeah, it stinks.

Next:

#4 "A Dog Tale"

Jesus Christ.. You know what- no. This game is so bad, I.. I won't get past the first level. I'll show you a screenshot of this 2d turd,  and let's move on. Really, the controlls.. I know- it's homebrew but.. Argh! It's the WORST 2D platformer I have ever played. Hell- i've been more entertained by crappy cell phone games than.. Oh, whatever.  Also- shouldn't it be called "Dog's tale"? 
P.S.: Pro tip: The cacti are deadly.

 
Next:

#5 "Rocks n’ Gems"

Boulderdash clone. A pretty good one, but I never liked the original, why would I like the clone? Not for me. Moving on.

 
Next:

#6 "Total Soccer"

A top down view soccer game. I don't like soccer, I don't like this game.

 
 Next:

#7 "Mah Jong"

Yup, it's Mah Jong all right!

 
Next:

#8 "Haunted maze"

 "Give me back that heart token, It was an anniversary gift for my girlfriend, also: Braaaains!"

Yeah, the name's terrible. But the game is.. good. it's addicting. Like a good flash game. Sure, it looks like total crap. Yeah, it's simple, and there's no story whatsoever. But- it's not broken, and it doesn't piss me off. So that's something. I've played through 10 levels, which is saying a lot. The concept is really simple- you run around avoiding zombies and collecting weird floating tokens. You collect all the tokens, an exit opens up, you leave- next level. A simple, but well done, arcade game. Nice.


Next:

#9 "Bouncer 2"

Was there a Bouncer 1? The controlls are terrible. They're not explained well enough- and you're left scratching your head. It sucks. The graphics are.. there are no graphics. It's like I'm playing Atari again. Oh shit, I named the screenshot amiga.. ah, whatever. See- taht's how much I care about this game- I'm adressing a screenshot mishap instead of reviewing this shit. 
It's like breakout, only more complicated. No, thank you.

 Avoid Net Yaroze games at all cost.

 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
Next:

#10 "Stonegate"

 Warning: This game is a piece of shit. Just wanted to warn you. Go enjoy life. Don't play this grabage. -The Author

  I'm greeted with a half-assed menu, and a giant title- Stonegate. Okay, at least it's trying to be original. I check out the "info" of the game. And there it is- a short note on the bottom of the screen: "This game isn't complete(...)". Awesome. He goes on to say he did not have enough time to complete it, yadda yadda yadda. Damn, this has to be awesome. At least something to laugh about! Let the battle of the titans comence!
 


...
NEXT!

#11 "Gas Girl"

You fart to kill enemies...

 ...


 
 
 
 
 
 
 
Okay.. okay, i'm done for today.
So.. eleven games reviewed.. 72 remaining.. 
...
I.. I'm going to lie down now.
 
P.S: Many horrable mistakes in text found, sorry, but better text has to be than Terra Incognita!
 
Seriously though- hope you had as much fun reading this, as I had playing these games.
Posted by Red12b
@TwoLines:  
OH MY FUCKING GOD! 
I had this demo disk as a kid, I still do, somewhere, How crap were these games, but back then we played it innit? 
That soccer game, I played that with my dad a couple of times, it was awesome. 
Posted by TwoLines
@Red12b said:
" @TwoLines:  OH MY FUCKING GOD! I had this demo disk as a kid, I still do, somewhere, How crap were these games, but back then we played it innit? That soccer game, I played that with my dad a couple of times, it was awesome.  "
Heh, well I don't know much about soccer, but it looked alright actually. The graphics weren't so bad, so I guess it's one of the better Net Yaroze titles..
Posted by SuperfluousMoniker

This is great stuff, but I demand a full review for Gas Girl! The gameplay elements are just so intriguing... Is she using it as propulsion to run faster in that screenshot? Never since Boogerman: A Pick and Flick Adventure have I been so enthralled.

Posted by TwoLines
@SuperfluousMoniker: 
 The gameplay mechanics are like a breeze of fresh air (?) in the video game industry. Did I mention you fight aliens? You do. You fight aliens with farts.
Posted by Meltac

Haha, these games looks like hidden gems!

Edited by HandsomeDead

I remember Net Yaroze. There were two games I used to play all the time. One was a rocket flying round through mazes and the other was called Rocks 'N' Gems where you had to run round a map collecting gems but if you ran underneath a rock, it would fall on you.
 
EDIT: Nice mention of Rocks 'N' Gems. So glad it's not just me that remembers it.

Posted by TwoLines
@HandsomeDead said:
" I remember Net Yaroze. There were two games I used to play all the time. One was a rocket flying round through mazes and the other was called Rocks 'N' Gems where you had to run round a map collecting gems but if you ran underneath a rock, it would fall on you.  EDIT: Nice mention of Rocks 'N' Gems. So glad it's not just me that remembers it. "
Yeah, it's pretty good, really. But I'm not a fan of Boulder Dash.
If someone is though, this game is worth a shot.
But my favourite game is yet to come..
Posted by Red12b
@HandsomeDead said:
" I remember Net Yaroze. There were two games I used to play all the time. One was a rocket flying round through mazes and the other was called Rocks 'N' Gems where you had to run round a map collecting gems but if you ran underneath a rock, it would fall on you.  EDIT: Nice mention of Rocks 'N' Gems. So glad it's not just me that remembers it. "
Rocks and Gems was awesome!
Posted by CandleJakk

Net Yaroze was fucking quality, some were stinkers, but there were some great gems too. Rocks and Gems, Total Soccer was amazing as well.

Posted by TwoLines
@CandleJakk said:
" Net Yaroze was fucking quality, some were stinkers, but there were some great gems too. Rocks and Gems, Total Soccer was amazing as well. "
Sadly neither of them is for me.
One was a soccer game (bleh) the other one was a boulder dash clone.
And yes- I agree, not all of them are bad. There is this one Net Yaroze title that qualifies as one of my favourite games of all time.
But more on that subject later..
Posted by FlipperDesert

I remember playing Terra Incognita, Blitter Boy and Rocks 'n' Gems all the time, hahaha. I don't remember Gas Girl though, what the fuck?

Posted by Scooper

When you get to Gravitation make sure you get a friend over and a few beers. It's one of the best multiplayer games ever. Had soo much fun playing Gravitation with my buddy back in the day.

Posted by TwoLines
@Scooper said:
" When you get to Gravitation make sure you get a friend over and a few beers. It's one of the best multiplayer games ever. Had soo much fun playing Gravitation with my buddy back in the day. "
Sounds like fun, I'll make my buddy play all of those these awful, awful multiplayer games with me.
He'll be glad there's at least one decent game in that pile of excrement.
Posted by Scooper
@TwoLines said:
" @Scooper said:
" When you get to Gravitation make sure you get a friend over and a few beers. It's one of the best multiplayer games ever. Had soo much fun playing Gravitation with my buddy back in the day. "
Sounds like fun, I'll make my buddy play all of those these awful, awful multiplayer games with me. He'll be glad there's at least one decent game in that pile of excrement. "
It's super simple. It's like Lunar Lander or something but you race around a bunch of tracks in a triangle spaceship and you can do 2 player races or 2 player deathmatch. Me and my buddy would just go into 2 player races and kill eachother for a while or hide in some corner while the other tried to come in and kill you. If you put it on deathmatch the game's over too fast because you die all the time from flying right into walls and stuff. It's just a funny game. Sometimes you'll hear a little noise signifying a powerup just spawned somewhere, some powerups seem to do absolutely nothing and some are overpowered as shit but it's hilarious racing to em and then chasing eachother trying to get eachother dead. We pissed ourselfs laughing playing that game for way too long.
Posted by buzz_clik

Back in the day, I got a cover disc on some Playstation mag or other that had a buttload of Net Yaroze game which had numbers 1, 2, 3, 5, 6, 7, 8 and 9 on your list. I actually quite like Blitter Boy, though!

Moderator
Posted by TwoLines
@buzz_clik said:
" Back in the day, I got a cover disc on some Playstation mag or other that had a buttload of Net Yaroze game which had numbers 1, 2, 3, 5, 6, 7, 8 and 9 on your list. I actually quite like Blitter Boy, though! "
To each his own, I liked Terra Incognita and Haunted Maze.
Samus collecting babies and killing Blinky, Pinky, Inky and Clyde in the process is just too weird for me though.
Posted by buzz_clik
@TwoLines said:

" Samus collecting babies and killing Blinky, Pinky, Inky and Clyde in the process is just too weird for me though. "

Heh. If that's too weird for you, then I suggest you never play this, this or this.
Moderator
Posted by trophyhunter

You know if your going to review bad games and then give them bad scores. There really is no point at all in you doing it.
We already know they are bad games.

Edited by TwoLines
@trophyhunter said:

" You know if your going to review bad games and then give them bad scores. There really is no point at all in you doing it. We already know they are bad games. "

Some of them are good.
Besides- Terra Incognita was hilarious, and I wanted to share with y'all some of hat awesomeness.
 
 @buzz_clik:  
I'll totaly play these now.