By TwoLines 20 Comments
Remember? Net Yaroze? You don't? Good. Run for your life.
It’s actually nettoyaroze (from japaneese "Let's do it!")- and that’s how I pronounce this development kit for the PS1. What is it? Well, nothing more than homebrew games of the old, like those Xbox indie games today. Sweet, sweet moonshine that turns into bitter vomit once you push the start button. I’m going to write a small review of these games, yeah I’m that masochistic. So I just downloaded the 83(!!) Yaroze games from the internet, and I'm going to play them using an emulator. Judge me not, these games were practically free back in the day, now they're nowhere to be found. I got my hands on some of them back then by buying the "Playstation Magazine" with demo CDs.
Well- thank the Lord that’s out of the way, let’s play our first stinker.
#1 "Terra Incognita"
I push the start button- choose a language with the select button (Japaneese or English, hmm..) and then I'm presented with the story:
You know, I've heard a rumer that this game is horrable. But do go on mysterious stranger.
"You are still a coward guy."
"But.. I am really scary."
"Well, I see. You keep eyes on this ship."
Wow. Awesome. Let's venture forward!
I come across a sign. I read it with the square button:
This is great. Already loving this game. So let' me explain the game mechanics. It's a zelda clone. Well, okay- not exactly.
But you lift boxes, throw bombs jump around, kill some enemies and- yeap, your energy is represented by hearts. And you collect heart containers- as seen on the right. You really do have to read all those great text entries. So awesome. The game's fun though. Compared to the crap we're about to go through- this is a gem. Anyhoo- you get 60 minutes to beat the game, just like in prince of persia, if you don't make it- the captain- so called friend of yours- leaves without you. Thanks.
As I mentioned before- you use boxes. All the time. In fact- using boxes is key in this game. You can throw them on signs (cool), monsters, on other boxes (duh) and also, on your head. Yeap. Now that's what I'd like to see in Zelda. I kinda wish you could place your dick in a box, but- alas, this game is not M-rated. There are some monsters in the game (slime balls) and you can kill them with your knife. Yes, a knife- I won't call that thing a sword. It has no reach, and that's pretty much how the monsters kill you. Blue slime balls are the worst. So watch out for them, if you ever decide to play this game. Haha- right. Only kidding, so silly. This is joke, joke from old.
The main antagonist of the game is unknown- and I have no intention of going through the whole game to find out his identity. I'm sure a great conversation takes place before the final battle, but sadly, I got stuck. It's not really my fault though. There was this sign that told me what I had to do. It said: "By riding on slime ball you can go across to where you cannot without it." Peachy. How do I do it? I jump on the slime ball? No, it hurts me. I stun it? Nah- you can't stun shit in this game. I don't know. I've tried to explore a different part of the island- but I got stuck again. I think I was suppose to stack two boxes on each other, and then place a lit bomb on top to make the jump, but I was too slow and I died.
So, in conclusion- this is an awesome game. Mainly due to the charming story and skillful writing. Hahaha, kidding again, so silly.
#2 "Blitter Boy: Operation Monster Mall"
I don’t want to say much about this game. Because.. well.. it's weird. You collect babies. Yeah, caucasian and afro american babies. I don' t know why there are no asian babies there. Or maybe there are- it's tough to say, the graphics are.. well it looks like it was made on the SNES. it's not that I don't like 16 bit graphics- but.. you know what, whatever. The game's awful. You collect babies, transport them somewhere, kill ghost that look like they were ripped straight from pac man.. I don't want to play this anymore. There's this one thing though.. it's kinda buggin' me. The main protagonist has a very familiar logo on his helmet, that- by the way- also looks familiar... well, it's only my imagination, I'm sure. Let's carry on.
#3 "The Incredible Coneman"
3D Pac man clone. Really, nothing more can be said. Oh yeah, it stinks.
#4 "A Dog Tale"
Jesus Christ.. You know what- no. This game is so bad, I.. I won't get past the first level. I'll show you a screenshot of this 2d turd, and let's move on. Really, the controlls.. I know- it's homebrew but.. Argh! It's the WORST 2D platformer I have ever played. Hell- i've been more entertained by crappy cell phone games than.. Oh, whatever. Also- shouldn't it be called "Dog's tale"?
P.S.: Pro tip: The cacti are deadly.
#5 "Rocks n’ Gems"
Boulderdash clone. A pretty good one, but I never liked the original, why would I like the clone? Not for me. Moving on.
#6 "Total Soccer"
A top down view soccer game. I don't like soccer, I don't like this game.
#7 "Mah Jong"
Yup, it's Mah Jong all right!
#8 "Haunted maze"
Yeah, the name's terrible. But the game is.. good. it's addicting. Like a good flash game. Sure, it looks like total crap. Yeah, it's simple, and there's no story whatsoever. But- it's not broken, and it doesn't piss me off. So that's something. I've played through 10 levels, which is saying a lot. The concept is really simple- you run around avoiding zombies and collecting weird floating tokens. You collect all the tokens, an exit opens up, you leave- next level. A simple, but well done, arcade game. Nice.
#9 "Bouncer 2"
Was there a Bouncer 1? The controlls are terrible. They're not explained well enough- and you're left scratching your head. It sucks. The graphics are.. there are no graphics. It's like I'm playing Atari again. Oh shit, I named the screenshot amiga.. ah, whatever. See- taht's how much I care about this game- I'm adressing a screenshot mishap instead of reviewing this shit.
It's like breakout, only more complicated. No, thank you.
I'm greeted with a half-assed menu, and a giant title- Stonegate. Okay, at least it's trying to be original. I check out the "info" of the game. And there it is- a short note on the bottom of the screen: "This game isn't complete(...)". Awesome. He goes on to say he did not have enough time to complete it, yadda yadda yadda. Damn, this has to be awesome. At least something to laugh about! Let the battle of the titans comence!
#11 "Gas Girl"
You fart to kill enemies...
Okay.. okay, i'm done for today.
So.. eleven games reviewed.. 72 remaining..
I.. I'm going to lie down now.
P.S: Many horrable mistakes in text found, sorry, but better text has to be than Terra Incognita!
Seriously though- hope you had as much fun reading this, as I had playing these games.