(Shut up, I know you do. We all did.) And guess what I found? A decent episode of Pinky & the Brain. Unfortunately, it's not the Godzilla parody episode, or the Winnie the Pooh parody. Nope, it's an original. Damn. Speaking of the 50s, I'm in a particularly old school mood (probably because of what I'm listening to at the moment). While I'm always in an old school mood, this time is a bit different, for I've beaten an Atari game. Yep, old school even for old school. The game? Air Raid. How did I beat it? Not by giving up (like in that ridiculously idiotic video), but by scoring 10000 points. I know what you're thinking, but that's harder than you think. Aliens/terrorists/alien terrorists are flying down from the sky, and you must keep them from destroying the buildings below you. Why? Because the president is in all of them. At once. How? By shooting them, you idiot. However, that's easier said than done, somehow. Often times, your bullets will go right through an enemy and miss them completely, even if you hit them dead on. Their bullets hit you perfectly, but yours don't always hit them.
             There are other problems, like a very unpolished HUD, but most of them are minor. Unfortunately, there are a lot of them, and they add up. For example, as the game goes on, your buildings will inevitably be destroyed. Good enough, but over time, combat also becomes really repetitive. It's good at first, but by the time you're defending that last building, you're gonna hang out around the left side of the screen and only shoot that one enemy. The graphics are also pretty crap, even for an Atari game. The city is covered in a purple haze, and the shapes are kinda basic. Sound also sucks, but what can I say? Oh, it's Atari, so I can't say much. But even for Atari, the game feels underdeveloped. If they polished it a little bit, maybe it would've been better. Then again, they knew the game wasn't that good; just look at how many copies they made! And the year they released it! So this is probably a very good reason not to buy a game just because it's rare. That in mind, I give it the Banjo Kazooie: Nuts & Bolts Award for completely obvious reasons.

             Also completely obvious: I've been beating a lot of Capcom games lately. (Hell, I plan to play RE2 next.) I don't mean to, I kinda stumble into them. Like Mega Man X4. I didn't know enough about Skullmonkeys, so I settled for Mega Man X4, a game I've already played. And the results were exactly the same as before. However, none of you know the previous results, so I'll have to come up with something new (unlike Capcom). Not new: how I start these damn things. The game is set immediately after X3. The world forms Repliforce, an army dedicated to making sure X4 never sucks as hard as X3 did. However, for reasons unknown to anybody, Repilforce decides to secede, or something. The game doesn't cover that too well, using it as a weak motivation for ass kicking. Paradoxically, the game takes things WAY too seriously, trying to form a fairly dramatic storyline. But that's kinda fucked up by one Capcom trend: bad voice acting. X sounds like a 12 year old girl, Sigma sounds....crap, and why do the Reploids have BRITISH ACCENTS!?
             Semantics aside, the game is somewhat enjoyable, even if it does fall victim to Capcom syndrome (see Street Fighter). One of the first things you'll notice is that the difficulty is not ball bustingly hard. Instead, it's average, like the rest of the game. OK, fine, Zero's quest is somewhat harder, but that's due more to crap game design. Rather than being able to select the weapon, you have to enter some inane button combo. OK, maybe that's a bit hyperbolic, but that doesn't change the problems with this system. You can't check how to perform these moves, some are awkward to use, and a few bosses just give you a crap upgrade. However, all of that is limited to the Zero portion of the game, so lemme address the entirety of the game. You still jump around levels, beating up bosses and taking their power in cannibalistic fashion, just like previous games. In fact, not much has changed between now and the other Xs. Some of it seems to be ripped directly from previous games, like your body upgrades and mech-vehicle portions. The original concept is good, but how many times can you play the same game over and over again before things get repetitive?
             However, there were a few changes, usually for the worse. The murderous difficulty of X3 was one of those changes, but again, this is for the worse. I feel like things got too easy, especially the bosses. They all break down into easily stratified patterns, and the series hallmark of weapon weaknesses only makes this worse. Some boss battles, like Jet Stingray, Frost Walrus, Split Mushroom, and Otaku Frog are easy enough for me to avoid damage altogether. This problems fixes itself near the end of the game, where enemy weaknesses aren't so easy to spot, but for the majority of the game, you're stuck with bosses as deadly as a spoon. So are there any good points to this game? Well, the graphics are pretty good, especially with the anime cutscenes. Say what you will about the shit voice acting, but the animation itself is detailed and vibrant. And because this is the PlayStation, the video quality is better than that of the Saturn version. Sure, you had to put up with Sony's "3D only" policy for a few years, but....no, no, it wasn't worth it, even with the decent music that is very easily recognized as Capcom PS1 era. Logically, this leads it to the Not Worth It Award. Now I know I end these blogs with a funny little dialogue sequence, but I'm not doing that this time. Why? Several reasons, the most important one being a total lack of ideas. If I had any decent ideas, I'd do them, but I don't. Besides, given that this is Giant Bomb and not my account back on GameSpot, you guys probably have no idea what a dialogue sequence is. So until the day I come up with a half-way decent idea, no more dialogue sequences. Just semi-funny game reviews that people complain are too long.

(And by interesting, I mean "not hovering between average and crap.") An example of this (as if I don't give you enough per blog) is beer pong. What I don't understand is why they need an entire framework to get drunk. Why not play my favorite frat game: chug-a-log (chugging down an entire hollowed log full of beer)? Oh, right, because I'm playing a non-beer game: Master of Darkness. If you can't remember that, just call it Castlevania. Why? Well, this game is essentially Sega's version of Castlevania, down to every little detail. Hell, the main bad guy is still Dracula, and you still have to go to Transylvania to beat him up. However, rather than playing as ultimate S&M badass Simon Belmont, you play as the ironically named Dr. Social. Why is he beating up Dracula? A ouija board told him to. So we've established that the protagonist is crazy. Does that make the game any good? Yes, sort of. Like Castlevania, you get a main weapon and a sub weapon, each one capable of upgrades/switching.

(I speak, of course, of the game in this blog's video.) And which game would that be? Super Mario 64. I know what you're going to say. "Wait a minute, I caught you! Super Mario 64 was r-" Just shut up. Shut up, right there. You put more emphasis on the Super. And the 6. Because this iteration of the game is superer. Er. In all honesty, though, I wish this was a real game that I had beaten. Why? Because then I wouldn't be playing crap all the time. Crap like Soldier Blade. No, that's not fair; the game is good, if a bit on the easy side. I usually start things off by mentioning the story, but that won't work this time, mainly because story matters to shooters as much as you do in general. This game is a bit different, but not by much. There isn't much story, but there is structure for a story. I know it sounds confusing, so I won't dote on it for too long. In fact, this sentence ends that and begins the section on weapons. There are three weapons: laser (which is not total crap this time), standard gun, and wide shot. You can power them up and/or store them for later use, which allows you to use a super duper kamehameha-esque move later on. Everything about it so far is pretty good. The controls are good, the graphics are excellent, and for some reason, the music reminds me of Castlevania. But wait, I forgot the difficulty! This game is incredibly easy. I mean incredibly easy. You can tape down the fire button and never let go of the damn thing. There are a high amount of enemies on screen at any given time, sure, but your weapons have a stupidly wide range (even if it isn't the wide shot), and most enemies die with one hit. The health system doesn't help, even if it does sound like an improvement. Rather than dying immediately, you just go down one level on the power-up scale until you hit the base power-up. One more hit, and you're dead. Again, sounds great, but this makes the game incredibly easy, especially since collecting power-ups replenishes your health. I died a few times, but that didn't hinder me at all. Hell, the game threw lives at me like it was freaking Mardi Gras! Bosses are also easy, mostly due to the aforementioned reasons. They're beaten easily, using up your kamehameha-esque power-ups doesn't hinder you, and you're bound to have enough lives to survive ten of these guys. Sure, the game picks up the difficulty by the end of the game, but the damage is done. The game was too easy, ruining what could've been a much better game. So I give it the Krod Mandoon/Aneka Relationship Award. Yes, I watched Krod Mandoon. And I loved it. CHECK THE UPDATES.

But you know what I hated? I'll give you a hint: it was a Genesis title. No, not that one. I've already explained why that game is awful. I'm talking about Chakan: The Forever Man. As explained by the title, you play as Chakan, the bastard son of Ranger Smith and Sally who can live forever. How did he get this way? Well, he challenged Death to a fight and won. So he already fits into the Sega line-up of unimaginable badasses, like Sonic and the owl from the latest NiGHTS. However, after gaining immortality, he soon found out that living forever sucks. So he finds a way to kill himself: kill a bunch of bad guys. How does that get him dead? I don't know. The point is that this game has an interesting concept, story, and direction. What does it do with that? Not many good things. You get to choose which levels you play, and while that sounds good in theory, it quickly gets ruined by trial and error gameplay. Certain levels require certain spells or weapons to proceed, meaning you have to die, go back to the central hub, and find out where the hell that one weapon/spell is. Hell, one of the first levels you can choose has the balls to pull this off! Not even Kefka could be that sadistic! Back to the weapons, you have the swords, the oddly-hard-to-use-hammer, the useless scythe thing, the "grappling hook," and the also useless axe. As you can see, the only useful ones are the swords, the hammer, and the grappling hook; all others are meant to gather space. Same goes for the spells. You collect potions throughout the game, and certain combinations create certain spells, like healing (this is the only way to do so), super jump, invisibility/invincibility (really, the same thing), and weapon upgrades. That last one's crap, though. They only affect the sword, they're all the same, and the only benefit is projectile weapons. They don't do more damage than your regular swords, so what the hell's the point? I don't really need help with the combat, though; the bosses are either hard (not often) or repetitive (very often). Most of them fall prey to predictable patterns like, "jump, jump, duck, dodge, roll, roll back, hit, repeat." This even carries over to the final boss, who's ridiculously easy if you have any of the aforementioned projectile spells. Speaking of which, the ending is a bummer, but what did you expect? The main character wants to die, of course it'll be a crapfest. This isn't Terranigma. So what's there to like about Chakan? Well, as I said, the concept is cool. Compared to other games of the time, this game was deep, dark, and....some other D word. The music is also...OK. Not good, not bad, just OK. The rest of the game is mediocre, mainly due to a lot of flaws that aren't much on their own, but add up. So I give it the Should Listen to its Protagonist Award. Now that brings up an interesting point: what reason would a video game character have to kill themselves? Seriously, is life t-

Chakan said:

You think it's that easy, being a video game character?

Being a video game characteris harder than you think. There's a lot of things we have to deal with.

Oh yea? How often do you have to deal with stupid fanboys?

And what do you think happens when people don't like our games? Just look at Sonic.

Really?....Well then, I guess I'll give him a few reasons. *runs off to beat the hell out of Sonic*

(Will not be found in this blog.) Seriously, I review games in this thing. Why would you expect me to comment profoundly on modern day politics? Because I have a humorous video on Obama's stance on the economic crisis? You obviously don't know me. In fact, the only reason I posted that video is because it provides a nice liaison into my next game: Power Strike II. How so? Well, this game takes place during the Great Depression,

Yes, what is wrong with you?

The Don has had problems with your latest video game choices, Your Highness.

Yes, why have you played so many Capcom games when there still many fine Mario games you have yet to touch?

How dare you speak me in such a tone, you insolent little shit! Assassinate the king, my goons. *goons shoot at me, miss*

Oh, what do you plan to do? Play some of that Sega backwash?

Damn straight, the man's gonna play some Sega.

You stay out of this, you neon methhead!

Like I have to listen to you, ya fat piece of crap! *calls members of gang to him, enters heated gun fight with Don Mario Clan*

(Even the music! Take that!) Well, not everything is Capcom. The video du jour is Sega, revolving around one of the best games of all time. That out of the way? OK, back to the Capcom. First game up is Shantae. Chances are you haven't heard of it (unless you're one of those guys in Guess that Game who constantly beats my ass with an iron rod), but don't worry, it's a good game. You play as the eponymous half genie (how the hell do genies breed?) on a quest to thwart the evil pirate Risky Boots. What's she trying to do? Create an evil tank using a steam engine! Talk about pure evil! DUN DUN DUNNNNN...

*heroes walk into simulated rooms* Hello, friends. I suppose you wonder what I'm doing here.

No, not really. Say, do you know where God is?

Damnit, don't you guys recognize me? Ryu, Rei, don't you remember me?

....McNeil?

No, it's me, Teepo! Don't you remember?

No. We forgot about you when we all decided to kill God.

Well, I'm not gonna let you kill God!

Fine, we don't need you anyway.

Come on, what about my kick ability? *starts kicking air* Oh, and I have dragon powers!

We already have somebody who kicks. Plus I'm a dragon.

Goddamnit, I'm important to the plot! *gets killed*

(But more about that at the end of this blog.) Like it says in the title. Warning: the results are shocking. Now then, onto the main event of the blog, and holy hell is it awesome! And by awesome, I mean big. First up is Einhander, a late 90's shooter made by Square. Square, the guys behind Final Fantasy, Final Fantasy Adventure, Final Fantasy: Mystic Quest, and Final Fantasy Tactics? Yep, the very same. And since it was on the PS1, they managed to sneak in a few CGI cutscenes. Honestly, did we really need them? There are only a few, and the graphics are already good as it is (lots of detail, decent animations, unique enemy design, etc.). Maybe for the story, but that's a big maybe. You play as Einhander, a ship caught in a war between the Moon and Earth. I liked the plot, given that you're a Moon shooter fighting the evil forces of the Earthicans, but the big plot twist that the moon men are evil pisses me off. I'd dismiss it as spreading horrible and untrue propaganda, but then I remembered something: NOBODY CARES ABOUT STORY IN SHOOTERS. All that really matters is the shooting, hence the title of the genre. So how is the shooting? Good, but the full potential is not realized. You can choose between three ships, each with their own distinct advantages. I chose the one that could hold a few weapons, but was stuck with a piece of crap peashooter. On the actual weapons, you can hold several at a time, depending on your ship. You have the vulcan, the wasp, the riot, and a bunch of other useless names (the only good one being cannon). None of them have any power-ups, but they do run out of ammo over time. Yea, you pick them up with more frequency than...something with high frequency, but keep in mind that you don't get any in boss battles, leaving you with a pea-shooter against Zog, Destroyer of Worlds. The only major change from other shooters is your arm, with very conspicuous Fruedian undertones. However, this doesn't really add much to the game; in theory you're supposed to shoot things above, behind, in front, below, slightly to your side, slightly not to your side, but only about two weapons actually change their behavior when you flip them with the arm. All others are EXACTLY THE SAME. If you think I hate the game, you're wrong. I like it, but it could've been sooooo much more. There was potential for a much better shooter, but the lack of power-ups really, really hurts the game. Sure, the graphics rock, but you only see it all within a few hours, and there's not much reason to go back. All that in mind, I give it the Mein Kampf Schadenfreude Herzog Zwei Award for Excellence in Randomly Choosing German Words for Your Own Purposes. That's what I do, I give games awards and things.

But very rarely do they actually deserve the awards, given that none of my awards ever make sense ever. However, the next game actually deserves an award because of how good it is (I'll devote a section to that later). The game is, of course, Lufia II: Rise of the Sinistrals. Now we all have best games ever and worst games ever, but not really most average games ever. I have one, and it is called Lufia & the Fortress of Doom. Absolutely nothing about this game stood out other than how amazingly average it was. Natsume discovered this, and decided to create a sequel that fixed everythiing. Thus was born Lufia Syndrome, a disorder that would later strike series such as Killzone and Breath of Fire. However, it also had a twin called Lufia II: Rise of the Sinistrals, as I have already told you. The game starts off with the hero, Maxim, fighting monsters for pay. Lucky for him, there's an utter shitload of them swarming throughout the world of Estopolis. Rather than make enough money to earn the envy of local pimps, Maxim wants to figure out why there are so many of them, roping the hero into a world saving quest. The story itself is good, but not great; I feel like it could've gone into greater detail with all the events and locations and such. However, it does have many extremely memorable moments, like the big mid-game plot twist. I could spoil it, but I'll use an analogy. Imagine the ending to FF9. Now imagine the scene where Zidane is in the play and he casts off his robe. Now imagine him calling out Freya's name, running to her and embracing her in his arms instead of the Princess (now Queen). That's pretty much the huge Lufia II plot twist. Only with Lyn instead of Freya. Plus there's a fantastic ending, giving you reason to play past what you can tolerate (I don't know that, because I don't know you). Wow, look at all the space without mentioning gameplay. The battle system is more than the turn based exterior would lead you to believe. First, you have capsule monsters, little Pokemon-esque beings that evolve to higher levels when fed weapons and the lint in your pocket. Fine, they don't add much, given how they have the bravery of dogs, but the gesture is nice. There's also an IP system, and this works much better than the capsule monsters. They're like Limit Breaks, except you get more moves. One per piece of equipment, in fact. It's very interesting to screw around with new attacks and keep those that work. Besides, if you hate the move you're stuck with, just jam the weapon down a capsule monster's throat, they'll love it. However, the major part of this game is the dungeons. Each one contains about four or five puzzles to solve, and trust me when I tell you that they can be HARD. Don't be surprised if you run to an FAQ to find out how to solve that one puzzle you're stuck on. You'll have a few tools with you to solve each puzzle, and all of them (fire arrow excluded) are put to great and creative use. In addition, there's also a reset spell that costs nothing, meaning you can try over and over until you solve the puzzle. Add in the fact that you don't fight dungeon monsters until you touch them, and I think the game is in love with me, like that needy spouse who serves you breakfast in bed on your day off. This game is the very definition of a classic: it shows its age, but who gives a crap? That doesn't hinder it in any way, nor does it stop it from aging well. So I give it the Lower Top 20 Award. But wait, Dragon Quest IV is also there. Oh no, which gets the top spot? I know I haven't done this in a long time, but RPG BATTLE!!! First up, protagonists:


Maxim, a hardened combat badass


Noname, a silent cliche

OK, Lufia wins the first round. How about their most embarrassing moments, huh?


Ripping off FF5

Chapter 2

Ouch. Again, gotta hand it to Lufia. This is getting a bit huge. How about one Dragon Quest can win, hm? Their biggest flaws:

EXTREME GRAPHICAL GLITCHINESS.

The incredibly hard final boss.

Lufia wins, 2-1! It gets the coveted #11 spot on my list. DW4, you go to 12. Now this is not the end of the blog! Oh, no, I have a bit more for you guys. You're probably wondering why I look different, don't you? Well, another makeover. Let's go into detail about each and every little change, shall we?

Avatar

Well, there I am. Yep, that's me in the center, and the Chaos Emeralds surround me for no fucking reason. YAY, SWEARS! Moving on, what's with the crown? Go ahead, ask. *twiddles thumbs*

Profile thing

This one is a bit...random. I have transformed into Cloud Strife from Advent Children, and have been chased by dinosaurs. I was sent back in time, and must kill dinosaurs until I CREATE history. Oddly enough, it is very hard to find dinosaur sprites. I like the background, though. I did a good job with that.

Background....OK, I didn't do this one, but that's because I'm confused on what resolution to choose. If anybody can tell me the ideal resolution, then I'll do it.

Well, I ended this blog adbruptly. Might as well start something else. No, not THAT. I was thinking two more video game reviews. After all, I just beat two more games. The first is Castlevania: Legacy of Darkness, because Konami thought they could make their previous N64 Castlevania better by adding werewolves. Thanks for missing the point, Konami! However, there are other changes, like being able to PLAY as a werewolf. You play as Cornell, who ties with Sephiroth for the most prominent homosexual game character in video game history. Why? Well, besides looking at him, the guy skips. I automatically win that argument. Another argument: this game is unoriginal. It rips off both Zelda and Resident Evil, taking place in a medieval mansion filled with horror movie cliches AND a stupid female character who needs to be save from an old fart who never dies. The game even goes so far as to rip off the hallway in the original RE where you saw your first Crimson Head. But this is kinda beside the point (which, as I alluded to earlier, Konami missed). How does it play? Well, there's a good game here, but it's buried under several problems. For example, the combat sucks. Unlike the Belmonts, Cornell throws energy...spikes at his foes. It works better than a whip, but perhaps a bit too well. He doesn't need his claw attack (yes, he has a claw attack) or the traditional sub-weapons, since everything dies with a few whacks of your energy spikes. And it's not even normal enemies who die that easily, as most of the bosses are pathetic. Jump around like an idiot and throw spikes at them until they die. Dracula has a bit more strategy, but he's the final boss, so why should I give a crap at this point? Speaking of enemies, why are there skeletons on motorcycles, the game is set in 1844! Back to the game, control is also a bit of an issue. In order to pick things up, you have to press a button, rather than just walk over it. Any game that commits this crime automatically gets 3 points knocked off its score, and things don't get better from there. The graphics aren't that good (as you've already seen) and the combat is imperfect (as I've already mentioned), but there is light at the end of the tunnel. Too bad you can never reach it. The point I'm trying to make is that there's a good game to be had underneath all the flaws. I can imagine having fun with this game's mechanics if not for the myriad of flaws. So I give it the Whatever the Hell the Opposite of a Polished Turd is Award.

Unfortunately, the next game does not have the benefit of being good beneath the flaws. The next game? Final Fight 2. Set after the first game (obviously), you play as Haggar and two other characters you've never heard of, all three on a quest to save Guy's mother's aunt's cousin's nephew's doctor's regular pizza delivery guy. So is there any urgency to their quest? I guess there is, but I don't know. Anyway, the first (and only) improvement over the last game is the setting: rather than being limited to a very crime ridden California beachside city, you travel all over the world, by which I mean Eurasia. All the stages are based on then-national-stereotypes, like Hong Kong being set in a karate movie, or Holland being a war-torn hellhole. You go from Hong Kong to Holland and back, beating up baddies in exactly the same way as before. I mean that literally, as almost nothing has changed from the last game. Sure, you get to choose between three characters this time (Guy and Cody replaced by Maki and Navarre from Mystery of the Emblem), but that doesn't change much, does it? You still beat up thugs until a giant arrow tells you to go somewhere else, repeating the process when the screen refuses to move forward. And the actual beating-up is still very, very repetitive. You only get one move and not a lot of weapons, and almost all the enemies can be killed with turbo punches. Then again, what did you expect? This is Capcom, the same company that thought the remedy to rehashing Mega Man game after Mega Man game with no changes was to do the same thing on the SNES, but with an X slapped on the end. And don't think that I'm saying this just because it's Capcom. Besides the lack of change I mentioned earlier, Final Fight 2 also ends the same way its predecessor did, right down to the big bad guy being pushed out of a window to his deaht. The game's also short and the characters play the same, so I don't know if that's a blessing or a curse. Other than that, there isn't much to say about the game. Seriously, I have nothing to say! The graphics remind me a bit of Street Fighter II, but that's it! I can't remember much about it, so I-oh, wait, that's something! The game isn't that memorable! That's something, right?...Anyway, I give it the Unfortunately Short Review Award.

And now, the big surprise I promised you. It may come as shocking: I'm joining Giant Bomb. Like a lot of you, I am a refugee from the GameSpot Badlands. However, unlike the rest of you, I ran away with some running away music. Bitchin', no? Now I know that some of my former GameSpot friends will most likely convince me to move back, but I've made up my mind! Hell, I've already started unpacking, finding out that there are several improvements here, like custom lists (even if a few games are missing), a competent review system, and a trivia system that proves how kingly I am. For all my GameSpot friends who will try to persuade me otherwise, too late. I've already started moving in, covering all m-

Queen said:

And you could probably help the rest of us unload.

Yea, but because their necks snap whenever they try to carry, well, anything, all the characters in this blog had no choice but to carry your crap in here. Including me.

The door, obviously.

No, the other door.

I guess you can count me.

That's exactly it.

And I would prefer that you not use my name in vain.

Is that a challenge?

(But not my first blog post ever.) I, like many of you, migrated from GameSpot for whatever reason. However, I'm sure a lot of you don't know me. OK, none of you know me except bizsumpark182, who is probably reading this blog as I type it. Weird. Anyway, instead of posting all my blogs over again and, you know, building a reputation, I'll just send you to my Gamespot profile. There, that should clear some crap up. Seeing as how I haven't beaten two games, there's not much purpose left in this blog. So leave! I have crap to do (like listen to the tunes of Final Fantasy VIII).