Do you guys know what the best game in the world is? Fire Emblem: Seisen no Keifu?....OK, yes, but after that....After Katawa Shoujo....After Fragile Dreams....Aft-look, it's parenthood, alright? It's gotta be up there, and do you know why? Because there all of your actions carry extraordinary consequences. This is real life we're talking about. This isn't like any other game, where I feed girls raw monster flesh as an aphrodisiac or perpetuate the slave trade for my own material benefit. This is a child we're talking about! So instead of a more traditional review, how about I just tell you all the things I've learned as a parent? For example:

The parent/child bond is the strongest one in nature.

This is perhaps the most important lesson any potential parent would do well to learn, and it's also the earliest lesson in the game. I mean, it just hits you as soon as you start naming this girl. For me, it was too much. I was deciding every aspect of this person's existence, and she had no choice in the matter. From her name to her birthday to her blood type, every aspect of her very being was fixed without her knowing it. (Except her birth year. I guess that's one part I have no control over.) That's a scary prospect to consider, one that the inevitable march of time only makes more terrifying. I only barely felt that I was ready to handle such a large responsibility. Even before I knew my little Tsukiko Kinian, I was developing this profound emotional bond with her. It's truly amazing just how much emotional stress these very simple acts could put on me. That said...

Child labor is awesome!

I'm well aware of how utterly cruel and inhuman this sounds, but you want the best for your little girl, don't you? You want her to get the best education there is, right? Well, that costs money, and a lot of it. A week of religious studies alone will drain your already meager pockets. If you want to provide for this girl, you're gonna have to put her to work. For some reason. You'd think somebody who lives in an illustrious mansion and who can afford a butler's services (which I've never seen him being paid for, strangely enough) would be more than equipped to rear a child in relative financial comfort, especially given how the game only covers eight years out of this girl's 18 year life. But you'd be dead wrong. No employment for you, the busy single parent.

Instead, all the responsibility for your daughter's education falls squarely on her own shoulders. You decide what job she's gonna work and then watch (literally) as she's forced to do what you say. Who cares if she's utterly miserable at these jobs, accumulating stress instead of skills? Who cares if the earliest jobs pay next to nothing and do nothing to keep you out of debt? Who cares if this lack of skill actually prevents her from being paid, meaning that you've put your ten year old daughter through hard menial labor for absolutely no reason? A girls' gotta learn, doesn't she?

The best child labor, of course, will always be the kind that conforms to gender stereotypes. I mean that in the most literal sense possible. The best jobs in the game are often things like cutting hair, making dresses, cooking food, and tutoring children. No wonder my daughter grew up to become a housewife (and nothing else). Of course, once your daughter hits the age of consent, stabbing people becomes far more profitable, but that's too stressful for a fine young woman like her. Best to let her take on the less stressful job of monitoring a child smaller than herself and making sure they're educated in every subject matter known to man. But not science, because that shit makes a woman unattractive. If your daughter objects, too bad! For you see...

Children will accept almost anything you throw their way.

One of the best things about being a parent is that your children can never say "no". Yes, I'm aware that I alluded to it somewhat with my daughter's labor history, but it goes so much deeper than that. You decide what your girl studies in school, true, but you also decide what she eats, what she wears, what friends she has at the castle, and even what size breasts she has. Not based on any of her wants and desires, mind you, but based on what you specifically want to see out of this girl. I mean, why bother taking the time to make sure they're living a comfortable life when you can just feed them on $80 a month (Mr. Big Spender, you) and make them wear the same clothes for eight years straight? You know, despite the abundantly clear evidence that she's outgrowing these clothes on a regular basis. Oh, sure, you can talk to your child once a month (AND ONLY ONCE A MONTH) to find out what she thinks about everything you've been doing for her, but who says you have to act on any of that? You can completely ignore her pleas to study theology or to wear warmer clothes amidst the torturous summer heat waves, and she'll just take it all in stride with a genuine smile.

Of course, if she ever does display a negative emotion, there will always be those four words you can tell her to make sure she's gonna be alright: "You'll get over it." It's really amazing how quickly your daughter can move on past even the lowest moments of her young life. For example, did you forget to buy something for her birthday? The same birthday where she was puking her guts out from all the stress you put her through at the salon? Just give her a week of rest and she'll get over that severe emotional trauma right quick. There are no long lasting psychological scars in the world of Princess Maker. Just easily fixed tizzy fits. If she's really angry with you, she'll simply run away for a month. No big deal, really. Nothing to contact the police over or anything. Just give her a week's relaxation at the end of the month (you can only plan activities on a semi-weekly basis), and she'll completely forget what a stringent, terrible parent you've been to her. In time - in a week's time, perhaps - she'll be ready to learn the most important lesson a mature young woman can learn.

Card games are serious goddamn business.

What? Card games are a major milestone in every father/daughter relationship. You know how it is: you take your daughter out into the wilderness one week and let her brutally murder brigands and cat people (I think there were cat people) for little discernible reason. Normal father/daughter bonding. At least, that's the only reason I can think of for going out on these "camping expeditions", because good luck finding anything else. None of it's very fun (hell, God himself disapproves of this shit), and the tangible awards are pretty much non-existent. All you really accomplish is giving your child a sick, unquenchable bloodlust that will follow her for years to come. And this isn't even getting into the pugnacious attitude your daughter adopts when she realizes that somebody in town might share her talents.

Now I'm aware that some of you may find this material objectionable. Hell, some of you may consider me a monster for raising my little girl in such a lax, hands off manner; sending her off to work jobs she is barely equipped to perform properly; calculating her every action in terms of a set of numbers, like some cold parental calculus. In fact, some of you may readily assert that beneath the saccharine veneer of Princess Maker lies a cold, heartless game focused on crafting another living being according to your own whims, turning their emotional well being into a vexing obstacle rather than a goal in its own right. Well, to that, I say....................uh..........

As bad as this is, it can't possibly compare against what's to come.

Let that preface what nightmares may come. How do I even come upon this shit? Probably by the same method this game was made: gallons of alcohol and regret. And much like an encounter with me, an encounter with this game will leave you confused, disgusted, and slightly aroused. Don't let the cute and innocent art of man milk lies a dark and psychotic game. It blankly asserts that life is an absolute hell, jumping from one chaotic moment to the next. And it doesn't even know it's saying that.

But, as I just said, Daibakushou doesn't initially look that way. At first, it's just a simple board game. You spin the spinner, move forward a few spaces, and repeat that over the course of a few boards until the game ends. You can also buy items to mess around with other players or put yourself at an advantage. Sure, that sounds flat and a little uninteresting, but what's so offensive about that? How about framing the game with an allegory for life? That's what the game is really about: living your life how you want to, or, to be more precise, according to whatever the game throws your way. Think about it: this game is suggesting that you have absolutely no control over your life. None whatsoever. You just spin the wheel, hope you get lucky, and go forward exactly that number of spaces. You can't plan for anything or choose your own path in life; it's all decided for you in advance. Your only choice is the occasional branching path that convenes on the same goal. How utterly nihilistic. Certainly doesn't help that God's there to give his seal of approval to all this.

Oh, but it gets worse from there. It gets so much worse. Just about any time you land on a space, it increases one of three stats: health, charm/looks, and luck. Let's ignore the fact that luck as a number in games has always been a really fucking stupid idea, because there's something more important about that set-up. Namely, did you happen to notice anything missing from that framework? Maybe happiness or fulfillment? Apparently, those aren't even important enough to consider over the course of your life. Instead, it's all about the....what's the focus in Daibakushou Jinsei Gekijou, again? I've played two sessions of it, and I'm still not terribly clear on how it works. I don't even know how you win at this game. Whichever stat is the highest wins? Except maybe money has something to do with it? I honestly have no clue. I'd say it's all luck, but I didn't manage to win with that stat, so I don't even know what to think anymore.

And it's not like the game itself is fun enough to compensate for these shortcomings, either. Then again, that much should've been obvious from my descriptions. What about "roll the dice, move forward without any tactical consideration" sounds fun or enticing to you? To be fair, though, there are items you can buy at shop spaces strewn across the board, and they can lend a sense of chaos that actually works in the game's advantage. Are you behind the rest of your peers because you transformed into whatever the fuck this happens to be? Just bust out some lightning so that they can't move for a turn, and then get on an airplane so you move three extra spaces (which, in this game, is a lot). It's just the type of asshole party fun that a game like this thrives on. Of course, you can only get these items from shops, and getting to those shops is a matter of pure luck, so it's a tad difficult to hold items in the game's favor.

Not like the "fun" moments (like Ol' Man Milk up there) the game throws your way. They appear much more frequently, and....no, it's still really hard to hold them in the game's favor. Most of them place your character into some weird situation like watching old people drown or fulfilling some poor hippo's wildest sexual fantasies. Unfortunately, they're not outrageously weird; just mildly dumb. Entertaining for the first few seconds you see it, and maybe for a short time after that as you try in vain to put the pieces together, but not funny enough to keep you playing for very long. So what will keep you playing this game for very long? Not a whole lot, honestly. Even if you can look past all the terrible implications in its premise, you're still left with a shallow, simplistic board game that's only going to last an hour of your life. At best, the game's mildly entertaining; at worst, it's flat and misanthropic. Of course, I could've just posted that Bro Breastfeeding picture and let you come to your own conclusions, but.......why didn't I do that?

Review Synopsis

• Hey! Do you want a game that reminds you of how cruel and indifferent life can be, and how nothing you can do will ever change that fact? Well, here's this thing.
• Of course, learning that lesson involves essentially rolling dice until you die of old age. Somehow, somebody considered that to be fun.
• Also, the art style's mediocre.