By Video_Game_King 14 Comments
( I told you that it was going to be an odd celebration.) I like to use my X00 blogs as an opportunity for experimentation (maybe #300 will have video content), and for my 200th blog, I've obviously decided to try out some Let's Playing. What game will I suffer through?
(After reading a (read: the) Dirge of Cerberus LP, I really wish that Giant Bomb would allow me to align large pictures.) As that screenshot and the earlier parentheses directly state, this is going to be a screenshot LP. Anyway, Taboo's not a game, but a strange look at the realm of magic, or as the game puts it:
A time machine in an NES cartridge. Wait, what? You swindling bastards! I got this game thinking that it was a portal to the Netherworld. What's this time travel bullshit? Is it magic? Is it science? Is it both? Might as well delve deeper and find out. The first part of the game is a prompt for my name, so I might as well just enter that and...
Damn it! So close. I can only name two games where I've been able to fit my name in its entirety in the name screen. Of course, this means that I've played tons of games where I couldn't fit it. In those instances, I've always had a solution:
There we are. I find it odd that Taboo asks me for my birthday. After all, this is a psychic time machine; surely, it can figure out when I was born. But clearly, I suspended my disbelief (in a noose) and told the game when I was born. After creating a digital copy of my birth certificate, I get to ask the game a question. I think we all know what I want to know:
The King of Staffs? O Mighty King, prithee tell me: why hast I not known of thine Kingdom for so many a year? Surely, this ignorance of each cannot continue; with my ability to summon forth the power of video game characters from all of history, and your mastery of the time stream, an alliance between our two Kingdoms would ensure that nary an enemy could penetrate our great nations. But, of course, in my old age, I prattle on too much. Speak your mind unto me, O King of Staffs; lay down the cards and unveil unto me our futures!
You...you are bored with me, O Mighty King of S...Wait. These are my results. Yea, I'm pretty bored. Not sure what a significator is, or what the 4 of Cups means, but so far, so good.
O Benevolent Queen of Staffs, what the crap does your message mean? A charming business woman is preventing me from achieving my goals? Are you telling me that to achieve my true potential, I must abandon my Queen, to whom I've been married for 160 years? I shall not respond to your advances, temptress. I do not wish to risk future alliances with your Kingdom. Then again, given the last card, I think they both want me to divorce my wife. I must be wary around the Staffs.
So I like to argue a lot? I had no clue. I thought this was a time machine; when did this turn into a personality test?
What...what's a Nine of Staffs? Is it like a Duke or something? Your Kingdom confuses me, O King of Staffs. Anyway, the actual prediction isn't any clearer. What's a "distance past foundation", and more importantly, how can it wait for something if it has already happened? I think I figured out how Taboo works: the Staff Kingdom says confusing things and passes them off as predictions. You know, when they're not actively plotting my downfall.
I honestly can't tell what this is trying to tell me. A coin says that past events are going to pass an exam? Something about school experiences? My earlier hypothesis has yet to be overturned.
OK, this one just sounds too obvious to be of any use. Next!
So according to where I find myself (which I guess is this blog), or maybe the Ace of Staffs (which I guess is the Red Baron of the Staff Kingdom), I'm going to do future screenshot LPs? That seems to be a bit of a hasty judgment, but OK. Would anybody be interested in Treasure of the Rudras? It has magical swearing.
Again, unclear. First, I though that it was telling me of my view of others, not the other way around. Second, it's just plain wrong. If anything, people view me as an argumentative prick with a short fuse (it's only a dick joke if you think of it as such). It takes serious eye problems (IE blindness) to view that as "perseverance with confidence."
Again with the personality tests. I already know me, O King of Staffs, and I know that I don't fear that the number seven will abduct me in the middle of the night and have its way with me. That's just insane, Mystic Time Machine Cartridge.
Well, that was an excellent way to end this feature: by summing up the entire affair. Like the rest of it, this prediction is confusing and probably meaningless. So that's Taboo: The Si-
What the hell is this? I don't remember hearing about this. Why am I getting lucky numbers, and how the hell do they depend on my state? Eh, might as well go along with it.
My state is me, right? I mean, what else could it be? (I couldn't tell, given that somebody at Rare apparently just mashed on their keyboard and nobody else noticed.) Wait, I just realized something: I already told it who I was before. Why is it asking again? I realize that few NES games had battery backup, but this is a stretch. Alright, what are my lucky numbers?
Might as well test them out the only way I know how:
Fuck you, Taboo.