By Video_Game_King 16 Comments
Assassin's Creed III( I find this part of the blog oddly appropriate.) After all, my last two Assassin's Creed blogs featured at least one Venture Bros. reference, so isn't it fitting that this one will essentially become one huge Venture Bros. reference? What? You don't remember Assassin's Creed III ever being released? I can understand, since Adult Swim Games isn't a big company yet. Wait, you don't know about THEM, either!? But they made Dethklok Band, Grand Theft Truck-Boat-Truck, and Aqua Teen Hunger Force: Zombie Ninja Pro-Am. Assassin's Creed III, like those games, is complete and utter crap.
Before I say mean things about how the combat is clunky or how climbing is now useless, let me iterate that the story is incredibly well told. I know that I've said this time and time again, but the dialogue here is absolutely impeccable, striking a perfect balance between Assassin's Creed angry drama and The Venture Bros sense of failure. Unfortunately, those last three words are a decent way to describe the entire story, as well. After loading his mind into a historical Virtual Boy, Desmond finds himself in the shoes of #21, the Monarch yelling at his fat ass. Apparently, The Monarch did something that pissed off The Guild big time. You're never told what it is, probably because the developers couldn't decide; it may have been 21 freaking out, Dr. Mrs. The Monarch Esquire III Jr of the Long Name letting some nip slip on a mission, or maybe it was just hiring those two f'ing creepy midgets dressed in turd costumes. In order to get back to the top of The Guild's list of baddies, you have to assassinate just about everybody. No, not just Guild guys, I mean EVERYBODY: to name a few, Captain Sunshine, Phantom Limb, Molotov Cocktease, David Bowie, Doctor Orpheus, EVERYBODY WHO HAS EVER EXISTED EVER. You'd think this would make for an experience that would cause explosive orgasms of pure joy, right? WRONG!!!
For several reasons, the first of which being that all those bosses make the game longer than War and Peace: The Morse Code Book on Tape. I wouldn't be against that if not for the format they chose: first, you have to listen to The Monarch moan about how The Triad pissed in his pool or how David Bowie's latest album was crap or whatever. Then, you have to drive all the way from your floating turd HQ to the (never directly revealed) victim's lair. When you finally get there, you have to gather information from some poorly-paid henchmen, and only after you've spoken with all the fish-themed guards on their breaks can you sneak into the base and assassinate your target. Do you realize how repetitive that gets? Probably, but there's one thing I don't see a lot of people pointing out: this is almost EXACTLY like the original Assassin's Creed. Why, Ubisoft? Why that one game to rip off? Everybody loved AC2 because it improved upon all the things that people hated about AC1. What the hell were you trying to accomplish here? Did some troll give you advice on being popular? Or did you get said advice from a lonely middle schooler who doesn't realize just how much his life sucks?
What makes me say that? My brain does, you might want to try buying one. It comes up with ideas like, "Hey, this game has more of an identity crisis than Cloud Strife." Case in point: the open-world gameplay. Remember how you spent a lot of time stealing from random people, stabbing minstrels in their smug faces, and scaling/running across rooftops to kickass techno? (OK, that last one was just me.) All of that survives, except for the scaling of the buildings. What could be so awesome as to replace the sheer fun of jumping off buildings and into specially magnetic hay? Answer: butterfly wings. I feel like the developers are just making up for how Da Vinci's hang glider made only one appearance in the last game, since you get the butterfly wings as soon as The Monarch shoves you out the cocoon. Sure, it's cool to fly around and shoot foes, but if I wanted either of those things, I'd buy Dark Void, or inject NiGHTS with steroids using a steroid gun. And then hand him the gun so he can shoot his foes full of manliness and then beat them with his own manliness. What's that? I don't have to fly? Oh, right, I can hijack any number of cars, run over random citizens, and pretend that I'm playing a weird version of GTA4 where my mom is watching, telling me how I'm a disappointment with each and every person I maim. Why she's watching me slam into random people and shoot down annoying comic book nerds is beyond me, but I just can't get her to leave the room.
Hold on, something just occurred to me: shooting foes isn't entirely bad. In case you haven't caught on yet, you no longer stab enemies with swords 39 at a time. (If you have caught on, then why the hell are you reading this message?) Instead, you kill your enemies with one of three things: your fists, those stabby gauntlets, and enough guns to fuel a Latin American civil war. Oh, and random followers, a la the groups of AC2. Each one has their own specific use (and a stupid morality point system tied to them), also like AC2. However, unlike AC2, you'll only ever use one group: the Order of the Triad. I don't know how they scrounged the money for all these henchmen, but apparently they were able to get the best wizards this side of Hogwarts, since they can, with 100% accuracy, zap the opposition into the 5th dimension. Sure, they cost a lot to use, but you get so much of the stuff that you could use it as ammo for your weapons and still have enough to buy the Latin American country you just sent into civil war. The only problem with them (and all special groups, really) is that they refuse to enter anything that looks like a building. I don't know, I guess teleporting everywhere removes your ability to operate a doorknob.
So you're left with one option: sneak your way through using assassin skills passed down through many generations. OR you could just summon the wrath of a billion guys in bright yellow suits, ready to shoot down anything that even looks like stealthy. Doesn't matter if said stealth is really good on its own; nope, it has to DIE. I could have sneaked through, using Ty-the-Tasmanian-Tiger-(or-Arkham-Asylum-for-those-who-don't-know-what-a-Ty-is)-esque boomerangs, night vision/"ladies' locker room revealer" goggles, and subtle distractions in a strategic manner to walk through Baron Ünderbheit's run down hovel with a sense of satisfaction. I could have if not for the knowledge that butterflies beat everything. Except, oddly enough, guards in hallways, since they have this odd disability where they all view a confined space as an opportunity to play the world's tightest game of Red Rover. Fitting, then, that every assassination target has a 9-mile long hallway standing in front of them. Not fitting: I can't stealth kill them like I did in Assassin's Creed II. I can't sword-fight them, either, since chubby fists can't exactly defend against manatees.
Then how the hell do you defend yourself against aging pedophiles with a shitload of cash? (Not gonna do a Michael Jackson joke, since death does a lot to take the years off you.) Simple: you pull out a light saber and start slashing the crap out of them! You know, just like No More Heroes, only without any of the context, humor, or fun. And don't worry about any lawsuits in the future; Ubisoft made both these games, yet somehow managed to fuck up only Assassin's Creed III. Why? How the hell should I know? My best guess is that the crowded March calendar forced Ubisoft execs to make the Assassin's Creed series seem more like ultra popular games, presumably to sell more games. But instead of the super awesome mega game that exists only in the minds of the (hopefully detained) developers, we have a confused mess of a game that only manages to redeem itself with a kickass ending. I think you can see where I'm going with this: Cloud Strife Award. You are dismissed.
- Satisfying stealth...if not for the fact that any threat will die under the pressure of 80 henchmen.
- The gun-based combat is...OK, that's oddly satisfying. Decent job of bringing the series into a more modern setting.
- Everything else, however, makes you want to buy your own Animus so you can go back in time and kill the people behind this flaming turd.
The bears.....they've......they've learned to....use....tools! *rips off all clothes* THE COLD WAR IS REVIVED!!! THE END IS NIGH!!! *runs around, screaming of the Apocalypse*
Aladdin( You know what?) I'm just going to come out and say it: I'm getting a bit tired of this routine I've shoved myself into. Let me give you a minute to adjust to that. No. OK. It's not the games, since I've got a shitload of great games to blast through (and several mediocre ones, but whatever), and it's not the blogs, since I've recently found myself with awesome material like Prince of Persia and BioShock 2; it's me. I hope. You see, I'm going to let Bushwald Sexyface have a go at this blog, since he's wanted to teach the world of sexiness in video games for quite some time and the Queen got her chance back when Beat Takeshi drove me to insanity. I gave him this game as an opportunity and this is the result. Before I leave, let me remind you that people don't type in accents. If they did, Irish literature would be inherently fucked. With that, I present you with " The Bushwald Blog." * changes music, leaves*
Oy, what's this? I get to write a blog? Nice. Too bad it has to be on this Aladdin thingy. You know, I remember seeing this movie in the theaters, mainly because it's a great way to find those sexy single mums. Make em ditch the kid and....well, let's just say they've never had a friend like me. Anyway, that's all I remember from the movie. Lucky, then, that I shoved this game into Sega's foray into the ass enlarging market. Things start with our Genie friend sperming his way into our lives, showing us the story. First, Agrabah is a land where the horribly unsexy are swallowed alive by the desert. I'd call this ancient land my home, but unfortunately, they also have strict anti-sexy laws that have Princess Jasmine in fear of being arrested for having such a sexy ass. Aladdin, also having a sexy ass, wants to become prince so he can abolish such horrifying anti-sexiness laws. Or at least I would. That's about all I remember from the game; if I wanted to watch a shirtless guy hook up with some sexy ass...well, I'd watch myself as I left the theater to give a sexy single mum a mustache ride in the nearby bathroom.
And you would have, too, you greasy nerdling, you. That's more than I can say about this Aladdin fellow. Had he seen that little kid, he'd give the little bloke some monkey bread before running away. That's all he does in this game, you know, is run away, usually from the Anti-Sexy Police Force of Agrabah. All you do is make him jump occasionally, making sure he does not impale his crotch on nearby rocks. Or smash his super sexy face into those same rocks. Good thing, too, since I disapprove of running from your problems. That's right, ladies: the only running I approve of is running straight into a woman. Which is why I find the sneaky jumpy parts of this here game oh so sexy. They remind me of Prince of Persia, and we all know how sexy that game was. Oh, look at this here thing. It's got this weird voice coming out of it, denying just how sexy that game is. Well, weird electro-voice, why don't YOU point out something unsexy about shirtless guys infiltrating castles with metal sexy so they can rescue a princess trapped in her room? Eh? What now, weird electro-voice?
Eh, it won't talk to me anymore. Whatever, I ain't no fan of that stuff. And I certainly ain't no fan of making this Aladdin man jump. The poor guy just refuses to do what I demand of him; he's harder to control than that brat I had to abandon so I could get alone with that mum of his. But, like his sexy mum, this Aladdin game is incredibly easy. Just run from mustaches with swords, sneak around mustaches with swords, and throw rocks at mustaches with swords, and before you know it, you'll be giving that Princess mustache rides of your own. Wait, the weird electro-voice is back, and it is telling me that this Aladdin fellow doesn't have a mustache. Thank you, weird electro-voice. See, that's why I don't care for this game: a severe lack of mustaches. They couldn't even have a mustache level in it, like those other games with the same name. Weird. Well, I should probably wrap this whole thing up for that king bloke. I think he hands out awards in his pantless blog feature, but why should I do that for this here game? It doesn't deserve no award. It can't give tongue like that mum I met back during that Aladdin film. Boy, did she deserve an award. In fact, I'm giving her the Bushwald Sexyface Seal of Approval. Wear it proudly.
- Now you, too, can return sexiness to a time when people were at their least sexy.
- But your main guy, Aladdin, loves running away from the forces of the unsexy. This does not make him sexy. Not at all.
- What happened to the mustaches?
A third thing( Well, this is the 100th blog, so I thought I'd do something special.) Oh, replay old games for your sake? I gave you that opportunity and you fucked it up royal. Also, I didn't have time to review another pizza, so none of that. No, this is going to be a bit more weird: I have a few gift cards I know I'll never get the opportunity to use. However, they do have one thing in common: I can use them as sacrifices in a dark voodoo ritual known as online shopping. So, suggest unto me what to buy, since I'm a massive attention whore:
Kingdom Hearts 358/2 Days: I actually planned on buying this a little while ago, but I was playing Phantom Brave at the time, which turned me into a 10 foot tall vagina. In the time it took me to unvagina myself, it went out of stock. So, do I wait for it to come back, or...
God of War 2 & Watchmen: This is weird. Seeing God of War III commercials is reminding me how cool the original was, so I'm thinking of the sequel. What about Watchmen? What about it, that comic book rocks. Or....
Anything on GameStop for $4: Oh, or anything on Target.com that goes for $60 (shipping included). I'll let you disappoint me. It gives me an excuse to punch you in the baby-makers.
So make your move, people! Which one shall I get? I'll tally up your votes at the end of this blog and will most likely ignore them for quite some time. Also, a pointless contest: I have an extra code for some avatar crap for Final Fantasy XIII. It's girls only (no, I'm serious on that), so I'll gear this towards girls, sort of: show me your favorite game with a massive pair of boobs. Interpret that how you will, I'll judge when this blog dies.