By Video_Game_King 33 Comments
Super Street Fighter II: Turbo Revival( Oh, wait, not that old school.) Yea, I'm not referring to the type of old school that I do in all my blogs, anyway; I'm speaking of all those games on my list of manliness that, for some reason, have no number attached to them. The world must know how big their dicks are, and I plan to fix that over the next 62 games, starting with this game. OK, so I haven't beaten Super Street Fighter II Turbo before (there's no way I'm touching the 3DO just for two fighters), but I need gateway games. Besides, the music's good, even in the GBA version...sorta.
Well, I fucked up the original intro I was going for, having wasted it in one sentence, so let's go for the traditional approach. Let's go to the magical world of Street Fighter, where Mike Tyson's face looks Photoshopped, all of China vibrates like Cockzilla (wait, they got rid of that), and Britain has an aurora borealis. M Bison is starting this band called Shadaloo, and fighters from around are pissed that the idea is so fucking awesome. That much hasn't changed for a LONG time, especially since the story's mostly told through endings you could write on a napkin. In fact, the only new story stuff comes in the form of 5 new characters: Akuma (who wins matches by glitching before the fight begins), Cammy (a clone of Bison? Huh?), Fei Long (The Human Dildo), Dee Jay (I guess they were practicing their racism so they could get it right in RE5), and T Hawk (I thought he was Native American, but oddly enough, he's billed as Mexican). Their stories don't add much (but I won't really hold that against the game), and their presence only adds more questions, somehow.
For example, why are they all ripped from pre-existing characters? Why is T Hawk Zangief in a vestish thing? Why does Dee Jay feel like Guile with a T instead of an E? Akuma...OK, I understand Akuma, but why does Fei Long rock so much? The Human Dildo is a combo machine, able to punch the crap out of people six ways (and, disappointingly, ONLY six ways) to dead. In fact, that's one thing the game does really, really well: character variety. You have a combo builder, an anti-air tank (Vega is no longer safe, jumping around like an asshole), and a bevy of cheapo characters (basically anybody with a "tap punch to obliterate" move). Sure, they're not really that balanced (again, rapid fire moves will chip damage you into oblivion), but there's still enough variety to keep things interesting. Hell, it's on the GBA, which had to make multiplayer "interesting" as it is.
But again, I could (and at some point in the future, probably will) say all this about the original Street Fighter and all its After Years-esque clones, so let's transition to something much less esoteric than that last joke: the super moves. Charge up your super meter at the bottom by pulling off special moves (another reason to love Fei Long), and then unleash moves so powerful that you create blue shadow clones that...actually, they do absolutely nothing. In fact, now that I think about it, I mostly saved those moves for the end of matches, where they became sweet fatalities, of sorts; the rest of the time, I was just mashing the AI with the same punch. I don't really blame this on hard to use moves or anything, but the thick, thick AI. I'd usually let them get a hit or two in to prevent the glitchy summoning of Akuma, and they'd just fluster about, confused as to whether or not I deserved to be kicked. Vega would still jump around like an asshole, but that's about the only smart thing I saw from them. Play this with a friend, even if human intelligence is barely a step up from computer intelligence. I think you know where I'm going with this: the Misanthropy Award!
- A large cast of characters, now with duplicates.
- Super moves are fun addition, even if they're not needed.
- Best played with the friends you don't have.
Speedruns: pissing off game developers since 1993.
Comix Zone( Wait, why the hell am I playing Genesis music?) Oh, it's because this game was on the Genesis? That's not the version I beat for this blog; if the music was more accurate, it'd probably be something along the lines of this. The game was actually ported to the GBA in Europe (I guess somebody heard that the French love comic books and forgot that everyone else does, too), and oddly enough, it's a pretty faithful port. After all, the game still kinda sucks.
I can see that your minds have been blown, mainly because you're now glued to your keyboards. Let's start where I always start, simply because I've learned from that last part of my blog: the story. Somebody's drawing some comics when suddenly, one of his creations comes to life. Before he can realize that this is pretty much the exact same plot of a SpongeBob episode, he's shoved into his own work. This somehow works into his creation's (I understand his name to be Mortus) world domination schemes. Anyway, the guy has to escape the comic before Mortus can do what he wants. If you're looking for more story than that, you'd have more luck looking for it in that episode of SpongeBob. That's not to say that there's no story, but that it's ridiculously disjointed and unnecessary, like somebody forgot to explain half the plot. Either that, or it's trying to stay true to the comic book thing, even though comic books are good at telling their damn stories.
I know that that joke sounds just as disjointed as the story, but it's the only explanation I could think of. Just look at how well it sticks to the damn motif throughout the rest of the game. You can break the walls between panels (although why it's only the thicker ones is never properly explained), you jump from panel to panel (the one think I like better in the GBA version, somehow), your attacks summon the sounds of Batman, and remember that Mortus guy I mentioned earlier? Turns out he's an excellent artist, as he will summon a billion enemies Amaterasu style. Oh, and when I say a billion, there's a good chance that I'm speaking literally. You will spend about 240% of your game time killing enemies. I know that it's a beat-em-up, but when the enemies start lining up to fight, you know that you've gone too far. You have crossed a line where combat consists of crazy amounts of repetitive button mashing. No amount of different moves or items will fix this.
Oh, right, I forgot to mention that you can hold three items at any given time. Two of them will be some type of weapon (OK, explosives), and the other will be your rat. Why is this comic book writer carrying a rat? Is it some type of Ratatouille situation, where the rat is doing all the work while everybody else wants him dead? Eh, kinda: you release the rat at certain points (it's not exactly clear about when you use him) to help you solve puzzles and stuff. That's what I hate most about the game: the puzzles. No, it's not that they're ambiguous or that they're simple (they are, but that's not what I hate about them); it's that a lot of them require you to hurt yourself. Apparently, this artist guy has hands and feet made of glass, since every hit will damage him a little bit. I know that comic book writers don't see much combat, but I think one rule of game design is "don't make necessary parts of the game hurt you", especially with all the other shit you guys have pulled. There's no healing, no checkpoints, no continues, and only one life. I think this is the type of thing you can't fuck up; you have to set out to fail this hard. I'm guessing it's to hide the fact that the game is stupidly short (greater emphasis on "stupid"), but it doesn't work at all, since unless you turn the game off, you can continue from the episode you left off on, meaning you can (and I did) complete this game in an afternoon. That's why I give it the Family Circus Award for Crappy yet Short Comics.
- The combat consists of hitting the A button until something dies. Repeat until game is beaten.
- Puzzles consist of hitting things until something dies. Repeat until game is beaten.
- So short, it doesn't deserve a third bullet.