And not a single obscure game was blogged about.
By Video_Game_King 15 Comments
Excitebike
( OK, what the hell's going on?) How have I not beaten this game already? It's probably the seventh game people think about when they hear "NES." (Hey, Mario, Zelda, Metroid, and some other games already occupy the top spots.) What have I been playing instead of this? Apparently, games like Spriggan Powered, Bulk Slash, and Tail Concerto. Really? Huh? How? How did I skip this game for so long? It's so short that I could've knocked it out in an afternoon.
Review Synopsis
- No.
I'm sure you've seen this already, so let's just get it out of the way and see what game I have in store after this.
Classic NES Series: Excitebike
( Uhhhhhhhhhh...)Knuckles' Chaotix
( Well, I think I thoroughly fucked things up in this particular blog, so don't expect any non-obscure games soon.) Hell, let's list off all the ways I fucked up! First, I chose a game that gives me less material than an Atari game. ( No shit.) Second, you know that "I accidentally chose the same game twice" joke? Turns out I already did it...and fucked it up in the exact same way. Third, Knuckles Chaotix? I'm really pushing it with that title, aren't I? Who the hell has even seen a 32X? I'd say that this would be a reason to buy the damn thing, but for one game? I'm not kidding; this is the only good 32X exclusive (I said "exclusive" because adding Mortal Kombat II would be cheating.).Oddly enough, though, it seems like Sega doesn't want you to know that this is a thing. In this Sonic game, you won't find Sonic in the title, you won't find him in the game proper, nor will you find the X Hill Zone, Tails, the Chaos Emeralds, or anything remotely related to Sonic. It's like Sega knew what a piece of shit the 32X was and wanted to forget about it as quietly as possible. So what do you get? Well, Eggman has started an amusement park with Metal Sonic. Somehow, this is evil. Knuckles must venture forth and pretty much be a low-fi version of Sonic Colors. You know, the game where Sonic writing finally started getting decent? Hell, I could just use that blog here, dumb it down a little, and you wouldn't know the difference. For example, remember how the staff in charge of level concepts was just a tank full of manatees? Here, there really don't seem to be any major level themes besides "here's a boat" and "I don't know, something about a clock." The only unifying theme seems to be a confusing amalgam of shapes and colors to make you think you're on bad acid. (Remember that for later.) The weirdest part, though? The game still looks pretty good. The technicolor travesty is there to show off just how much color the system can pull off, and when you combine that with all the scaling the game does, it's almost like Chaotix was desperately trying to prove that the 32X could be the SNES. Every squish of the Combi Catcher thing is just another cry from the doomed hardware. So what does that make the polygonal special stages? Simply put: pained howls manifested as a mediocre Flash game.
OK, we both know what you came for: the partner mechanic thing. (Why am I starting all of my paragraphs with the letter O?) You know how I hated Dead Rising for tethering you to a dumb piece of shit for half the game? Guess how I feel about a game based around it entirely? What's that? I hate it? Beatings are obviously in order. Remember what I said about the speed at the end of the last paragraph? Having a partner hold you down oddly causes a lot of that, and a gimped spin dash just ensures said speed. The only flaw with it is that there's not a lot of motivation to use it. I'm already passing by loops and shit, so why should I pimp walk my crocodile until I rubber band to speed? Oh, I forgot to mention the characters: you have an armadillo that can wall jump like Meat Boy, an echidna that can climb walls, a chameleon that can run on walls...fuck. It's hard to base a game around switching characters about when they're all fairly same-y (or when you pick them (like everything in this game) through a lottery). The only unique one is Charmy, but seriously? Charmy? The fucking bee? Eff that. Anyway, I was going to complain about how you can't switch characters mid-level, but given that there are essentially only two of them, I'll complain about something else: the power ups. Wait, did I say "complain?" I meant "absolutely praise." Sure, you have the regular speed up and ten coin power ups, but like the rest of the game, the rest of the power-ups are completely insane. Want all your rings to stay together when you get hit? OK. How about you grow or shrink or whatever? Why the fuck not? Let's make this game Alice in Wonderland, even if it has zero effect on the actual game. And that's why I like (and don't like (somehow)) this game: all the insane confusion. This honestly shouldn't surprise you, as I'm the guy who played Cho Aniki and that Michael Jordan game. Never forget that.
Review Synopsis
- Graphically, this game stretched the 32X hardware; musically, it was OK, at best.
- Nothing about this game approaches anything resembling sense, and that's part of what makes it so cool.
- Remember how Dead Rising employed a "drag this asshole around" mechanic? Now imagine if somebody made it fun and enjoyable.
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