By Video_Game_King 18 Comments
Kirby: Nightmare in Dreamland( Don't think I'm becoming sentimental when I say this, but I have a special relationship with the little pink puff ball.) Hey, I warned you at the beginning of that sentence. Anyway, my first portable game ever was Kirby's Dreamland 2, and not only is it still my favorite Kirby game in the entire canon, but it's also the first game I beat. I didn't get the super cool kickass ending (hey, I wasn't King yet, shut up, STOP JUDGING ME!!!), but still, this was a big milestone for a kid who got stuck in the first room in Pokemon Red. The worst part was that I was considered smart, meaning-
Oops, went off on a tangent there. Moving back to this particular Kirby game, I think we all know the premise: a bulimic yet somehow still fat wad of bubble gum must travel a long and arduous road to retrieve a Piece of Eden. Why else would he split to three Kirbys after killing each boss? Anyway, along that long road, he must take down tough foes like a 9 foot tall penguin in a bathrobe, a tree whose very existence as a boss is a joke, and the sun and the moon. Let me repeat that last one just because of how utterly badass that is: YOU MUST DESTROY THE SUN AND THE MOON. This is how dedicated Kirby is: to save his land, he is willing to destroy all weather/ocean patterns, a major source of light/energy, and THE PLACE WHERE I LIVE! The coup de grace, though? He's the good guy! I can't imagine what the bad guy would do t-
Hold on, I'm getting word on the major plot twist at the end: Dedede is kind of a pussy. What the hell, the pink orb is more of a badass than the villain? What happened, did somebody replace all the sugar at HAL with diluted coke? There's just so much about this game that brings to mind the image of bored game developers drugging themselves for good ideas. Perfect example: sucking up enemies to gain their powers. How the hell do you even pitch that to a publisher or lead designer? Granted, the execution is great, but still, I want to know how many Jedis are working at HAL. There's a variety of power ups to suck up at any time, the amazing part being that they all work perfectly: each is easy to use, distinct from the others, and has a special purpose for each level. It's so rare to see a game concept work so perfectly. Hell, my only complaint, that they overlap a little, seems extremely nitpicky and petty.
However, what I can complain about is that the game is easier than writing an episode of Beavis and Butthead. I could write an entire walkthrough for this game in this paragraph: spend 30 seconds in level, go to overworld, repeat, occasionally pummel the hell out of a boss with your power-up. The only other strategy there is "dodge THEN pummel", but I expect you guys to have common sense (despite numerous proofs otherwise). I'm aware that anybody should be able to pick up a portable game and be able to play it within 2 minutes, but this isn't that: this is....actually, I don't know what the hell it is. Great, now I can't finish this paragraph. I blame it on you. Why? It's easy.
And just like that, back to Kirby. Despite complaining about Kirby being easier than a $3 hooker, I can see why they put it in: this game was aimed at kids. Yes, you can post that picture as much as you want, but I wanted my rants to have a bit of meaning behind them. Besides, it serves as a nice ending to this part of the blog, wherein I list off reasons that led me to that conclusion. Reasons like cute graphics/music, a pink character, the lack of major threats, and levels so short that you could beat an entire world in the bathroom all lead me to believe that this game is perfect for today's youth: the kind of youth whose parents shelter the crap out of them yet can't be bothered to fix their ADD or pay attention or actually parent the damn kid. So I give Kirby the Television Award for Being an Adequate Replacement for Real Parents. At least under Kirby, they're gonna learn a proper diet.
- Kirby is a puffy badass.
- He will eat you and steal everything that was ever you.
- That must be why it's so easy.
Wait, one of the related videos is FOX News on that very game. This can't be good. Please understand that this is a joke!
Batman: Return of the Joker( I know what I'm about to say is obvious to everybody everywhere ever, but Batman is awesome.) Oh, what's that? You don't agree with me? *breaks your jaw* That's what you get for messing with Batman. He's awesome, and so is everything he touches. If he wants a sequel to his game, he'll get it. Doesn't matter if that first game was a movie game, or if the movie itself didn't really get a sequel, he's getting that game anyway. Nor does it matter if the game's a bit forgettable, because you don't argue with the Batman.
He'll do whatever he wants, just like he does in this game. The Joker's returned from somewhere, and Batman decides that The Joker's face could use a bit more red face-paint. He doesn't need a reason why he wants to beat the piss out anarchists, he just does it. And he certainly doesn't need any excuses to do it in that 60s camp feel, either, bec.....look, I have to call you out on this one, Batman. I know you can't beat me up, mainly because I can just transform into you and have the most awesome fight in the history of ever, so let me get it out there: nobody liked the camp version of Batman. You may be badass, Batman, but Adam West certainly isn't. Yes, I know, the Noid thing, but this is also a guy who likes Sugar Smacks. By associating your game with something so unbadass, you've obviously took out the ass part, and I think we all know that it's the ass we love in a badass.
Now I know you've tried to make this game as badass as possible, Batman, but it simply didn't work. I appreciate the shooty gameplay, but your problem is that you didn't focus enough on the shooter part of your shooter. Instead, you had to dilute it with platforming elements, making ti feel less like you're being awesome and more like you're in a slower version of Contra. You're not getting a larger amount of people, you're getting less; the shooter fans will be pissed that enemies hide outside the screen's edges, always getting a free shot, and the platformer fans will be pissed that enemies always seem to occupy platforms, impeding their progress. What's that? You also wanted to get some of that shmup market?
Yea, I noticed that, but the problem is that I'm the only one who noticed that. It's so bland and the overall affect it has on the game is so minuscule that I have trouble understanding why you put it in the game in the first place. Let me see if I can find out why. What else do we know.....oh, your HUD changes during boss battles into a sort-of fighting game type thing. It doesn't actually do anything to the game, other than tell you just how much longer you have to hold down turbo B. The only exception is during the final fight with Joker Wily, where it tells you how much longer to dodge some easy-to-dodge attacks AND hold down turbo B. Wait, hold on, I think I have something: Contra-esque gameplay, random shmup levels, fighting game boss battle HUDs, beating people up in elevators: this game is having an identity crisis! Batman couldn't just use a movie as a base for his game, so he didn't know what to do. He combined a bunch of genres into this effort, but they all come across as weak and bland. Therefore, it gets the Platypus Award. Don't ask why.
- The Joker has returned, and so has the quality of the music and graphics.
- The quality of the game hasn't; it's just about 12 other games mashed into a mediocre 1.
- Piss easy boss fights.