By Video_Game_King 41 Comments
Eets: Hunger. It's emotional.
(And so goes...)...Wait, something's off. There's no way something this low-key could make it into the Humble Indie Bundle. Let me just check something really quick. No, turns out that it's not part of the Humble Indie Bundle. It's part of the "some random Desura code " was handing out" Bundle. So goes another game in that Bundle, and let me just say right now that it was quick. So quick, in fact, that I beat it before I even got the damn code to unlock it, because that's what happens when you travel faster than light. Where was I going with this? Oh, right: Eets is like premature ejaculation. It feels really awesome, but it's over far too soon.
Sort of like this blog, since there are no major story elements to talk about. (That's for the next part.) Yea, there are some pretty obvious hunger themes, and the game couldn't look more like an early 2000s Flash game if it tried (it really is eerie how on-the-nose it is with that), but really, that's about it. So what's that leave us with? The gameplay, which is pretty much Lemmings except you're eating puzzle pieces for unexplained reasons. I know that makes it sound a bit simplistic, and while it definitely is a simple game, give it some credit. It does a lot with that simplicity. You have to worry about robots and gravity and deliberately pissing off your poor little...uh...bunny thing from The Simpsons. OK, you don't have to worry about those all at once until the end (with emphasis on the words "worry" and "end"), but it still manages to do some pretty cool stuff with these various elements. And it does such a good job of introducing these various elements, too. Believe me: this game will absolutely make sure you know how to use, say, explosive mine carts, even if it takes all of five levels. That way, it can be completely certain you'll exploit the sort-of-strange physics in very stupid ways. Actually, you won't be doing that for a lot of levels. Instead, you're going to spend most of your time playing by the rules and figuring out the best way to get Stupid Bunny Thing from A to B, almost like it was a competent puzzle game or something.
And then the game's over. That's it. No more game left to play. It's really amazing how quickly the game goes by. Yea, there are a ton of puzzles, and they are challenging when the game says that they will be challenging (I probably should have mentioned that this game has a pretty decent difficulty curve to it), but what it neglects to tell you is that even at its most challenging, a puzzle is going to take about three minutes to solve. So do the math: even with around 90 puzzles, you're gonna finish the game in about 45 seconds. (There's a reason why I asked you to do the math.) That's including if you 100% things, too (don't know why you'd do that, given that there's no reward for 100%ing the game); just beat the game, and the ending screen (as in "the singular ending screen that's kinda hard to complain about, given the effort and everything") says "hey, did you think about maybe completing all those other puzzles?".
Actually, while I'm on that, I might as well mention the post-game content, since that could potentially fix all this. I say "potentially" because it clearly doesn't. Otherwise, I wouldn't be writing this massive wall of text. Let's see...what is there....a sound test mode, but it's just sound effects. Not much there, I guess. next up are the achievements. Not Steam achievements or anything; just in-game achievements you can get over and over again. I feel that about sums up the situation, so let's move onto the third and final thing about post-Eets Eets: the level editor. I can't say much about it, since I never bothered using it, but what I can say is: really? Is there a rabid Eets community out there that would make this a worthwhile feature? Again, it could be pretty damn good for all I know, but what good is a level editor without a strong community? And what good's a game without post-game content? Oh, wait: the actual game content is still pretty damn good. Never mind. Carry on. Business as usual.
- Gotta say that it hits all the right puzzle notes...
- ...in about this amount of time.
- And there's absolutely nothing to do after that.
Damn you, Persona 4! Damn you and your magical ability to make me want shit! Perfect example: I don't even know what this anime is, and I'm certain that the anime (both) has been done with for some time now...but I still want to watch this, for reasons I don't entirely understand. Such is the power of Persona 4.
Tomba 2: The Evil Swine Return
(And s...there's no way this can be part of any bundle.) In fact, I think it's just a game. What game is it? You mean the huge, stark white (or black, for the one person using the alternate color scheme) text didn't give you a hint? Well, let me tell you what it is: Tomba 2, which is to say Tomba 1. They're pretty much the exact same game, save a few details I'll exaplin when I get to them. So what to expect from this blog? Well, probably what I did in my last Tomba blog (probably including my general opinion of the first Tomba), only without the evitable creation of a monstrous evil (why did I not evit? WHY WAS I SO CARELESS AS NOT TO EVIT!?).
Speaking of monstrous evil, Tomba still hates those fucking pigs. Don't believe me? Look at how the game begins: with Tomba fucking up some pig shit. (And getting a wedding invitation from Jesus, apparently. No, it's never explained in any detail.) Unfortunately, he's the protagonist for the game, so the world bends and twists to make him a good guy. In this case, it does so by snatching his girlfriend for no particular reason (I'm not sure it's ever explained why she was captured, but whatever), giving him a reason to do something that needs no reason. Oh, and evil pigs have cursed the land or something, and Tomba has to pull a Majora's Mask on it. Look, the story itself isn't important to the game; instead, how it's told is what's important. Now what the fuck does that mean? Basically, it's my awkward and cryptic way of saying that this game feels a helluva lot like a European cartoon. First, just look at it. The only thing separating it from Asterix is a mountain of copyright issues. Second, the voices. Now I could be lazy and just tell you that European accents make it European, but I'm not a lazy person right now. Instead, I'll just say that AND how the voice acting is all over the goddamn place in terms of quality. There are the characters who are pretty successful at what they're trying to achieve, like Tomba's new sidekick Slightly
Less Annoying Coked Out Navi and Pete Motherfucking Puma, and those who don't, like the Tranny Water Pig or the German sculptor who isn't very enthused about being German. Oh, and the mice have Brooklyn accents, because why the hell not? Not that I'm complaining or anything; it lends the game a unique, schizophrenic sort of charm, like it's the one video game you could get away with playing in French class.
Wait, I think I forgot something in all that TinTin talk: this is a game. It's Tomba, only twice as much. Now remember how the last Tomba game involved you wrapping your dick around a pig's skull in order to kill it? That's still in here, and it's still kind of a pain in the ass. If you aren't dead on with your predatory pounce, the game will reward your sexual deviancy with one less hit point. This may not sound too bad, but when you're wearing an anti-gravity suit that slows your descent to nothingness (more on that in a bit), it can be more difficult than need be, especially when it's your main (IE only) way of killing things. Yea, there's magic, but it's not explained entirely well, the game takes its sweet-ass time actually giving it to you, and there's never really any reason to use it, so clearly, this isn't the best of tools in your tool-holding thing. (Did you honestly expect a King to be) Wait, tools? Doesn't that imply that there are other tools? Actually, this is one of the game's stronger points, as there's a shitload of equipment to collect over the course of the game. Remember what I said earlier about an anti-gravity suit? That's one of the tools in your tool thingy, and it makes getting through the levels pretty damn easy. I'd complain about that, but two things: I'm all for easily navigable levels (more on that in a bit...again), and there are enough reasons in the game to switch up suits anyway, reintroducing some of the challenge that I explained away a few sentences ago. Maybe you need to swim, or maybe you need to talk to pigs (yes, that's an actual thing); both of these necessitate another suit entirely. But don't think the game's entirely about a pig-hating caveman furry. There's also the hammer (for hitting switches), the ice boomerang (for putting out fires), the hookshot (for hookshotting), th...
Actually, now that I think about it, Tomba isn't about ear-fucking a bitch before tossing her at the nearest wall in sheer disgust; it's about the levels and the navigation, both things that it does pretty damn well. Before I go any further with it, I feel the need to explain the name of the game:
Tomba 2: The Evil Swine Return 2.5D. The entire game is presented in 2.5D intersecting plane sorcery or whatnot. Sure, there are two towns that give you full 3D navigation, and the graphics are fully 3D (and kinda slow and stilted, in areas) but other than that, it's 2.5D levels, and I wouldn't have it any other way. My god, it does a lot with this simple concept. I'd call it "what happens when the level designer spills uncooked spaghetti on the design doc and is too lazy to clean it up", since that captures what the levels feel like best, but I feel like it doesn't do the design enough justice. After all, there's some actual thought put into how the planes intersect and interact, especially when it comes to all the power-ups just thrown about the stages. At times, it can be kinda confusing (like when planes act like giant invisible barriers), but for the most part, the levels are pretty easy to navigate. I'd add something about quests, since those are also Tomba 2's big thing, but haven't I given you enough reasons to play this game? I have, right?....OK, quests: there's a lot of them; they can do some cool stuff, like mini-games and puzzles and whatever; they turn the game into a long Metroid-ish affair. Is that enough for you? It fucking better be.
- Imagine if somebody made a game based off Le Petit Prince. Now stop thinking of Super Mario Galaxy, because I'm trying to make a point, here.
- Good news: there are tons of ways to murder pigs. Bad news: a lot of them involve humping said pigs.
- I want to say something, but I'm imagining Klonoa trying to get it up with Samus Aran. Excuse me while I insert these earwigs into my nose, hoping they'll remove the offending thought.