By Video_Game_King 3 Comments
( And you know what that means.) Yes, the fight is over! "What fight", you ask. "You just asked for an ass beating", I reply, spanking board in hand. But because it's the season for giving (you an ass beating), I'll at least give you closure and tell you of my fight with Satan Claus. It was 11 AM, Christmas Eve. I was browsing the Internet, quite bored, with nothing to do. I went to Google (I wanted to find some things for my GOTY blog) and then noticed a message written on the bottom: "Ho ho ho! Follow Santa on Google Earth and Google Maps this Christmas Eve." "You now have an ally, Google Nation", I thought to myself. So this was where I went to Earth, guns a-blazing, shooting any fatass with a beard, right?
WRONG!!! I am a King, and I, of course, had a plan. At the time, he was converting the Russians and the Chinese, brainwashing them with their dark magics. I could have intercepted him in the Middle East, but there's the whole "language barrier" thing I can't get past. I checked my options, and then a perfect opportunity presented itself to me: New England! Of course! Those Pilgrims banned Christmas long ago, and better still, I discovered a town called Salem. Supposedly, they burned a lot of witches in that town. I said to myself, rather quietly, "Perfect. Experts in combating dark magics." Plans laid out before me, I waited. After all, I had the advantages here; the incarnation of evil only travels under the pall of darkness, and I live on the Moon, the land that watches the darkness from the void of space.
8 P.M.: I grabbed my crown, pulled my hood over my head, and placed the crown on my head. I was about to grab my magical scepter when one of the soldiers walked through the throne room. I suspect that he needed to go to the bathroom, for he seemed to be in quite the hurry. However, he had enough time to stop and ask me, "Sir King, you must not underestimate the Dark Lord Satan Claus. Shall I gather a small group of soldiers to accompany you on your quest?" "Why the fuck do I have a standing army", I wondered to myself yet again. Ignoring Private Pissed-his-Pants, I headed for the royal hangar and prepared the Royal Arwing for departure. Oh, the Royal Arwing, it was a sight to see. Embroidered in gold, a Mecha-Monarch mode for close combat, an emergency stealth mode, you should have been there!
By there, I'm obviously referring to Salem. I arrived at the town center at about 9:25 (there seems to be a one hour delay between the Moon and New England). Something was wrong, I could feel. It should have been night, but it was clear as day when I arrived. Satan Claus had beat me there, and he was winning over the local people. It certainly didn't help my cause that I literally seemed to pop out of nowhere (stealth mode). After scaring the locals, I announced, "People of Salem, do not fall for 'Santa's' lies! In reality, he is the harbinger of evil! Surely, you have felt his darkness permeating your town! Use the skills of your ancestors and drive that darkness away!"
Their only response was one of confusion: "What the hell are you talking about?" Satan Claus then stepped forward, alternating between his bone leg and his sword leg. His appearance was so horrifying, that it summoned ominous music in his wake! "Yes, what are you speaking of?", he bellowed from the dark corners of his very being, "You are quite obviously misled. I only wish to give these people gifts!" Satan Claus then reached into his bloody sack and pulled out a box with his skinless hand. "You cannot fool them!", I yelled before drawing my scepter and transforming it into a loaded Gunblade. Perhaps that wasn't the best idea; the people of Salem started panicking, and in the confusion, Satan Claus fled on his sleigh, leaving me a parting present: a small group of ELFs to kill me.
Now a note before I continue: the ELFs you know are not true ELFs. Instead of red-cheeked bakers, ELFs are formless foot-soldiers Satan Claus creates to do his dirty work. I could not even begin to describe them, partly because I left in my Royal Arwing before they had a chance to kill me. It's OK, the Salem people would summon their knowledge of banishing darkness sooner or later. I think. Anyway, it was not long before I caught Satan's dark chariot, driven by about nine dragons. "You'll have to do better than that", I yelled at the top of my lungs, knowing I'd regret it. And regret it I did, for Satan Claus sicked his Krampus on me. It landed with a thud on my Arwing, and immediately started beating the cockpit window with his rusty chains! Surprisingly, he broke through and set his sights on me! I quickly transformed into Simon Belmont and whipped the horrible beast. Unfortunately, that only tangled the whip with the chains, both of which fell into the forests below, leaving him only with his sharp claws.
I started transforming into just about everything I could think of, trying only to avoid being killed by this thing. Somehow, I must have kicked the steering wheel (yes, Arwings have steering wheels, get over it), because the Arwing was now upside down! The Krampus was now clawing every which way, trying to grab onto something. I did what any of you would have down: I transformed into Mario and stomped on his claws until he let go, falling to his death in what I assume was Georgia. But victory had not truly come, for it had all been a trap! Satan Claus used that time to get behind me, and Rudolph, the lead dragon, was ready to breath his crimson flame and burn me into nothingness. All seemed hopeless, but it was then that I remembered wise words from a friend long since dead: " Do a barrel roll."
I avoided the flames, yes, but only barely; I forgot that the Krampus broke open the cockpit window, meaning I was leaving a vomit spiral in my wake. That was enough to distract the dragons long enough for me to sneak behind Satan Claus' chariot and plug a few shots into it. That should have been the end of this tale, but he began launching fireballs at me, knowing they were too quick to avoid! They were, and we both crashed into a corn field in Kansas. The explosion of my Royal Arwing, when combined with the frantic last fire breaths of his evil steeds, set the corn field ablaze in a hellish inferno. Satan Claus emerged from the rubble of his ruined carriage, removed his sword leg, armed himself, and began walking towards me, not limping or hopping in even the slightest fashion. He then pointed his sword at me and asked, "Tell me, King of the United Lunar Kingdoms, why do y-" He made a mistake. I used that time to charge him as the form of Kratos, launching my blades at him.
He blocked my move and returned fire! All night, it was like this, a quick exchange of blows between us, my form shifting from one character to the next. Link for one blow, Sephiroth another, and yet another warranted Travis Touchdown! It was an exhausting night, but finally, before the crack of dawn, he fell to the ground, the final blow dealt as Sigurd. Finally, Christmas was free from the dark control of Satan Claus. Triumphant, I noticed that the fire never touched his sack of toys. The dark magic which led people to believe his lies was gone, the gifts inside were safe to the touch! I decided that I would take them as my own reward. It wasn't entirely selfish; besides, who wanted gifts drenched in the blood of innocent children? After digging through some crap, I found just the gifts I wanted! I found clothes, of course, but how do you think I absorbed all the blood? Beneath that, I found New Super Mario Bros! Muramasa! Brutal Legend! Darkside Chronicles! TWO Copies of Borderlands! 4000 Wii Points! A new TV! Oh, joyous day! Joyous day indeed!