By Video_Game_King 13 Comments
Bullet Candy 3D or Bullet Candy Perfect or whatever the hell they're calling it now.( You know, if this game was actually called "Bullet Candy 3D or Bullet Candy Perfect or whatever the hell they're calling it now", I'd totally believe it.) There are about three or four versions of this game floating around the Internet aether, but after playing this game, I don't see a lot of reason for this. Are four versions really necessary for people to get this game? Apparently, yes, they are. I can't find any sales numbers, so I'm going to assume that I'm the only person who has played this game. Combine this with the fact that I got it in a free giveaway a while back, and that means this game made no money. Shame on you, gaming community. This game is awesome.
Wondering why I put emphasis on the word "game"? It's mainly because this is a purely gameplay game. No story or anything to ramble on about for an entire paragraph. Normally, I'd say something like "even Yars' Revenge had a story (there's this guy named Yars, and he wants revenge)", but the game does enough other cool stuff that I let it slide. "Like what", you ask? All the other things in this blog, you hasty ass! You know, outside the weird achievement stuff (I didn't get this through Steam, yet it still has achievements, for whatever reason) and how the mouse slows down a bit on start-up. That would be a game-killing flaw if it actually persisted, since this is a dual stick shooter that you control with the mouse and keyboard. Predictably, the results work really well. It's easy to move around the screen, collecting spiky power-ups and shooting things who only exist so that you can kill them (remember, no story). Obviously, they don't like living a life whose only purpose is to die, so over the course of the game, they get more complex, gaining abilities like "spawn more enemies" or "fill up the entire screen with so many bullets that you can count each individual frame." Unfortunately, they still die quickly, which is my way of saying that this game is really easy. I was able to finish the game in about ten minutes and I didn't lose a ton of lives in the process. Even when I did lose lives, though, I didn't lose a ton of progress; enemies came back with the exact same amount of health as before, and all I got taken away from me was my easy to win back triple shot. (There's only one power-up.) I'd say that the score focus makes things harder, but I didn't see a lot of problems racking up huge scores.
So why do I love this game? Just look at it. No, look at it. Look at all those colors! I'm pretty sure that it covers parts of the visible spectrum of light that science hasn't discovered yet. It's like my eyes are getting gangbanged by every known color...in a good way, mind you. Did you get all that? Now put it all in motion. I'm not sure human eyes could handle such greatness, which probably explains the sales numbers, maybe. That said, here's a video that will (hopefully) blind you. However, there is one thing that the video will not show you, at least in detail: the explosions. At the end of each wave, every shot explodes into purple goodness. I know it sounds like a minor point to bring up, but it's so awesome seeing the screen fill up with so many explosions. Now you see why there are so many bullets on screen at once: to populate the screen with even more explosions. It's a shame that it doesn't offer any type of score bonus. Then again, there are already waves dedicated to collecting a bunch of points, so I guess that makes up for it. In fact, go out and get this game now. Right now. Finish reading this, read the thing on JESUS or whatever, comment, then go back in time and get this game for free. Not sure why you're so hypocritically cheap, but whatever's necessary to get this game, I suppose.
- Simple shouldn't mean easy, but somehow, it still does. Simple still triumphs, but still...
- It's like LSD for your eyes (not the oddly tame LSD; the actual LSD).
- Wait, am I oscillating between long blogs and short ones? How?
U...uh......o.......w...w......WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK IS THIS!? WHAT IS THIS HORRIFYING MONSTROSITY!? MY EYES WILL NEVER BE CLEAN AGAIN!!!
JESUS: Kyoufu no Bio-Monster( I don't think any of us will be the same after witnessing the horror.) Am I referring to Chickenhead's head? Somewhat. But that doesn't change the fact that we need to do something about...that. Hey, I know: religion! Maybe the proud traditions of peer pressure and insanity will help us forget terrifying furry robo-pedophilia. Actually, I've already played this game (that much should be obvious, given that I've already written this entire blog), and it won't help me forget the terrible things we've witnessed. There's barely any Jesus in it at all, so how will it help me forget demon chicken sex?
So if it's not about Jesus (maybe the fact that it's completely capitalized should have been a dead giveaway), then what the hell is it about? Well, the year's 2157, exactly three years after Avatar. Mankind got their asses beat by the residents of Ferngully, and they don't even have any unobtanium to show for it. Might as well fly up to Halley's Comet and use the gas as f...Could you at least try to be relevant to Christianity game? I realize that this game is Japanese (long story short: Japan told Jesus he could go fuck himself, and Jesus hasn't gone anywhere near Japan since), but that's no excuse. You guys are known for things like Pinocchio with an ass gun and obsessing over the Cheetahmen, a game that has in no way seen a Japanese release or translation (seriously, why is it so popular in Japan?); clearly, you can do better than this. Hell, Jesus isn't even the "I'm friends with dumbasses and assholes" Jesus, but a base on Earth or something. So what exactly is the game about, again? Focus on the rest of the title. Specifically, the Bio-Monster part. Apparently, it used the gas or whatever to sneak onto the ship going to the Comet, and then proceeded to kill everybody on board. If that sounds hard to believe, keep in mind that there's more story to be had. The alien can also evolve Pokémon style (because Pokémon are terrifying, right?), pull off predictable plot twists, kill people by pricking their fingers (despite being built up so damn much, this plot point is never explained, so I'm forced to assume that he's giving everybody hyper space diabetes), and is weak to cold. Wait, that last one's too reasonable. How about we make him weak to music? That's not massively stupid or poorly implemented, right?
Wait, what type of game is this, again? I forgot in the middle of all that bitching about how the cast is only large because they need that many characters to kill. Oh, now I remember: it's an adventure game. For those of you thinking of Snatcher or Policenauts or Famicom Tantei Club: Part II (not sure why), cast those thoughts aside, because Jesus isn't nearly as good as any of those. Remember how the puzzles in those games were actually pretty decent and solvable? (I know you don't, but can't you pretend for once?) Not so with Jesus; instead, prepare to wander around a lot, clicking every single option you have in the vain hope that you'll progress through the game. In fact, a few of the puzzles actually require that you bullshit around, probably because Enix needed to pad out the only three areas in the game. Not sure why, though. After all, the game's already long enough with the utter lack of direction. What, you solved a puzzle? That doesn't mean you'll get any hints as to where to go next. Again, just bullshit around and hope that it helps. I imagine part of the problem is that all of your options aren't immediately clear, mostly because the game hides irrelevant options in what I imagine is streamlining gone ironically wrong. Perfect example: the first puzzle of the game is to give everybody their ID cards before you can board one of the ships. You don't know how many characters there are, or the number of cards you have, so your only hope is bullshit. In fact, you only unlock one of the rooms necessary to complete the puzzle after you've spoken with the doctor twice, because she knows where they are, despite not giving any hints that she would know where they are. Did I mention that this is the first puzzle in the game? Or that the one-speed text moves so slow that I just hit the fast forward button on my emulator like crazy so I wouldn't have to put up with the mediocre translation for as long as I would have otherwise? Fuck this game.
- I think Jesus saw that this was a sub-par rip-off of Alien and decided that he wanted none of that.
- Your main weapon against the beast is "wandering around until plot happens."
- If you haven't caught on, yet, this game sucks.